hanahaki (花吐き病)
/'ha-na-ha-kI/

1. a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love.

❀

When Kongpob was young, his cousin would always bring him to the garden. It's full of carnations, daisies, valerians, snapdragons, and snowbells that his aunt spent all mornings to take care of.

"P'Fay, why do you like flowers?" young Kongpob asked while they were sitting in the middle of whites and yellows.

Being also a child and having no other answer, Fay smiles, gives him a daisy, and tells him sweetly, "They're pretty."

Kongpob took the flower and stared at it. Starting that day, he believed his cousin and thought flowers are pretty too.

But the white petals aren't pretty when they are scattered on his bathroom floor, stained with his own blood.

❀

The first symptoms came around a week after his rejection.

"Hold on, P'Arthit. You are mad at me."

"No. I'm not mad at you."

"If you are not, why don't you talk to me?

Could it be that day? That I didn't answer your question?

If you really want to know, I can just tell you now.

I don't know when it happened.

I don't know how it happened.

We're both guys.

But I really can't stop my own feelings.

P'Arthit, I always wanted to tell you... that I—"

Arthit really didn't say anything. He just hung up before Kongpob completed his confession. But, it's pretty clear Kongpob was rejected, his love, unreciprocated.

He initially thought it was just a cold. He tried to combat it with capsules and cough drops, but as days went by, the coughing was just getting worse. 

Then, he thought of his P'Fay and the orchid flowers that killed her. 

❀

Kongpob expects his own to be carnation, yellow to be exact.

Yellow carnation means rejection.

It suits him after all.

However, one morning, he wakes up with a tight chest. It's like something is gripping around his ribs. He goes straight to the bathroom and coughs to no end. The first petals that flew from his mouth and landed on his bathroom sink were small. There are four. They were white.

They aren't carnation.

They are daisies.

Daisies mean loyal love.

Kongpob can't help but laugh after his realization. He will stay loyal to him, even after rejection. And for what? 

For death to take him too.

❀

The following weeks, Kongpob tries his best to still go to school, but with a lot more bathroom breaks than before. His friends notice it, especially his best friend M.

"Are you sick?" M asks him.

"Just a cold."

M nods, but he wishes his best friend would tell him his problems. Keeping an eye on him, he continues telling Oak about his new character in the game they're playing, Scarlet Flower.

❀

On some days, Kongpob finds it hard to hide the flowers. He cannot always go to the bathroom whenever he needs to cough. He starts bringing large bandanas instead of handkerchiefs, hoping they would hide the petals better.

Whenever he gets to his dorm, he flushes them to the toilet where he thinks they belong. 

❀

They say flowers bloom faster in lungs than when planted in soil.

He supposes is true.

His worst attack happens eight weeks after his call with Arthit, four weeks earlier than a daisy in full bloom planted in dirt.

Thankfully, it happens while he's alone in his dorm, but in full view of the occupant of the room across the other building. His chest tightens, and then he's coughing miserably. He goes inside the bathroom to hide from Arthit, who was staring at him from his porch.

Kongpob feels like he's already dying, like his chest is being split open. The flowers are finally blooming, and they are growing through his throat.

A lot of coughs,

A lot of blood,

And a lot of stained white petals...

Finally, it stops, and he can breathe again. He looks at himself in the mirror. The supposedly white petals that are stuck on his lips are red, his eyes trembling with tears.

After cleaning up the mess he made, he sits on his bed and thinks about getting the surgery to remove the flowers. His P'Fay didn't get it. That's why she died. But he— he still has a chance.

But then, he thinks of its consequences, losing his love for him, the love that is tearing his insides apart.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. He would be without love, but he won't feel the piercing, tightening grip anymore. 

But daisies mean loyal love. 

❀

As more weeks go by, his flowering sickness gets obvious.

"Are you eating well? You look so thin," Tew says worriedly.

Kongpob just laughs at him. "Of course!" He elbows his friend before going back to his assignment.

"Seriously, Kong, do you need something? Medicine? You look so weak. Oak and I can run to the infirmary," M tells him with utter concern.

"Seriously, don't worry about me, guys. I'm just tired." 

From the other table, Arthit stares at him, a bit too tensed. 

❀

That same night, Kongpob dreams. He's in a garden he's familiar with. It's full of carnations, daisies, valerians, snapdragons, and snowbells that his aunt spent all mornings to take care of.

"Aren't they beautiful?"

He hears someone say. Kongpob looks over and sees his P'Fay holding an arrangement.

"When we were children, I told you they're pretty. Do you still think they are?" She asks him as she hands him a daisy from the bunch in her hand.

Kongpob, in his dream, keeps his hands to himself and doesn't take it.

❀

The next morning, the white petals explode from his mouth and flutter in the classroom during Thermal Engineering.

They fall in slow motion in every direction. He looks up, a hand over his bloodied mouth, and he sees everyone looking at him.

He coughs again, and it sends the whole world back to motion.

Tew runs outside the door to get water. Maprang kneels in front of him and uses her handkerchief to help wipe Kongpob's blood. M stands up and rubs his back.

Oak just trembles on his seat.

Praepailin and May ask their professor if they could get someone from the infirmary, and their professor, who's shocked and doesn't know what to do, allows them. 

When Kongpob is in the infirmary, all the eyes of his friends are on him.

"I'm sorry, guys," he says a little louder than a whisper.

They all bring Kongpob to his room, and M decides to stay with him. Kongpob wants him not to bother, but he knows when his best friend has put his mind to something, especially when it's about him, there's no stopping him.

Before they enter the elevator to Kongpob's floor, Oak excuses himself and goes to the common bathroom. Tew follows him, and there, he finds Oak messily sobbing at the corner.

He then tells Tew about how his brother died because of the flowers in his lungs.

"I don't want that to happen to our friend, Tew."

"We won't let it happen."

 

After Tew calms Oak, they join their friends in Kongpob's room, who are huddled around the bed. Kongpob has no choice but to explain everything, everything except who he is.

"Kong, you need to get the operation," M says with conviction. His other friends nod in agreement.

But Kongpob shakes his head.

Kongpob asks his friends not to tell anyone else and to tell their other classmates and professor to do the same.

"Who's the person?" M asks him.

And again, Kongpob shakes head. Unless he loves him back, he'll bring this one to the grave.

"But Kong, what can we do to help?" Praepailin asks him.

Kongpob doesn't answer.

They say silence means yes, but in this instance, it means "nothing."

❀

They are walking on the university grounds when a sudden cough Kongpob didn't expect escapes from his chest. Praepailin, Tew, and M are quick to cover him, all stepping on the bloodied petals on the ground to hide them.

"I'll go and get a trash bag," Oak volunteers, though his eyes are shaking and he walks too fastly.

May and Maprang notice this, so they follow him after making sure their friends can cover the fallen petals on the ground. On their way, they see their head hazer looking at their four friends standing still in the middle of the grounds.

"Sawasdee ka, P'Arthit," they greet him before running again after Oak.

Arthit didn't greet them back. His eyes remain fixated on the four pairs of unmoving feet on the ground.

❀

"Oak's brother died because of it," May admits to M.

M shifts his head to Oak, who's looking down and nodding. He, then, takes a look at Tew, as if waiting for his approval.

"It's the only way," Tew tells him.

His best friend will probably hate him, but M has to do it. 

❀

"What's for dinner?" Kongpob asks M.

"I'll be eating outside."

Kongpob didn't expect the answer. It's the first time M will leave him alone after he discovered his illness.

"Alright."

M steps out of the room without making eye contact, without any word.

Kongpob stays on the bed and closes his eyes. He opens them, however, when he hears the door opening again.

"M?"

But it's not M who appears at the foot of his bed. 

It's his mother and father.

❀

When Mrs. Suthiluck ended the call with M, she knew exactly what to do. She immediately called her husband, who hurriedly went home.

"I don't want him to end up like Fay."

Mr. Suthiluck, of course, agreed and hugged his wife, who's still crying remembering her favorite niece.

And she'll do everything for her son not to suffer the same fate.

❀

Kongpob returns to the university two months after he disappeared. He's significantly behind from his studies, but his parents' connections did their wonders.

All his friends are there to welcome him. And they are all amazed at how healthy Kongpob is. Scrawny no more, he walks again with pride. His skin has more flesh under it now, and the bags under his eyes because of the nightly coughing are gone.

"You're going to get all the girls again," Oak jokes at him.

❀

Kongpob is aware of what was done to him. Even in the last few moments, he knew that he didn't want the surgery. He didn't want to give up.

Daisies mean loyal love.

But his parents got involved, and he wasn't given a choice. M, you er.

After the perennial herbs thriving inside his lungs were removed, he was put to sleep for seven days. When he woke up, he immediately noticed the easy feeling inside his chest.

Literally, thorns were taken off his body. Kongpob, however, felt more than those were removed. The surgeons removed so much that he's now feeling a large hole in his heart.

He knows something's missing, but he can't remember how it felt when it was there.

But the missing feeling was welcome. It's fresh, and it let him breathe. Suddenly, he's not blaming M.

❀

"Kongpob."

Kongpob feels the voice is familiar, and it called his name, so he turns around and sees Arthit.

"Where have you been?" Arthit asks him.

Kongpob expected something to happen if he sees him again. Maybe his chest would hurt. Maybe his nose would bleed. But there's nothing.

He recognizes him, but that's it. There's nothing.

"Sawasdee krap, P'Arthit," he greets him politely.

Kongpob never greeted him like that. Arthit is confused. He looks at M, who's curious at his reaction.

"I was on medical leave. But I'm okay now," Kongpob tells him nonchalantly.

Two months of medical leave. It must be serious, Arthit thinks. "What is it?"

"I'm sorry, P'Arthit, but you don't have to know. If you'll excuse us," Kongpob joins his hands again, just like M, and they walk away, leaving Arthit alone on the sidewalk.

❀ 

It's Fon and Tum's wedding. And all their direct line juniors are invited.

Kongpob comes with Ple. Arthit comes with his friends.

After they take a picture together, Kongpob starts walking away, but Arthit stops him.

"Kongpob." Arthit grabs his arm.

"Yes?"

"Are you doing okay?"

"Yes."

Arthit stalls. "The wedding reception is beautiful, don't you think?"

Kongpob thinks Arthit is right. The place is beautiful. It's is full of flowers, especially daisies. There are a lot of daisies.

Daisies mean something.

Whatever it is, it's removed from him.

"Yes," he answers.

"And the red motif actually suits the wedding well. But it's a bit difficult to get a red outfit. The best I can do is this red tie." Arthit touches it and shows it to Kongpob.

But he isn't interested. There's nothing.

"P'Arthit, I know this makes you feel uncomfortable...

...and to be honest, I now feel uncomfortable too."

Then, he walks away. And right there and then, Arthit feels a sudden tug in his chest.

During the program, Arthit eyes Kongpob from afar. Something has changed, and he doesn't like it.

When Arthit catches Kongpob outside the venue, he drags him to a nearby eatery. He orders Kongpob's favorite food, noodles in clear soup.

Kongpob should feel touched. His heart should be fluttering right now. But there's nothing.

Somehow, he wishes something would happen, to prove that what was done to him didn't work. The man in front of him, he should love him.

But really, there's nothing.

After eating, Arthit brings him to the bridge that crosses the Chao Phraya river.

Right there, along the bridge deck, noticing how Kongpob lazily drags his feet, Arthit confirms something has really changed.

He still continues walking while reminiscing his memories with Kongpob. Then, he remembers how he has treated him.

"Kongpob, are you tired?" He asks without looking back at him.

He waits for the answer, but it doesn't come. He halts his steps and turns around.

Kongpob is still there, following him, but Arthit knows his heart already stopped somewhere along the road.

"I am," Kongpob admits.

Arthit looks at him in the eyes.

"I don't know what you're doing, P'Arthit. But please, stop. I already recovered from you." Kongpob mentally slaps himself for his choice of words. "I'll stop walking with you right here."

Then, he turns around so quickly that he doesn't see Arthit's arm extending in an attempt to stop him.

But Arthit's arm, like his realization, is too late.

He watches how Kongpob walks away, instead of walking beside him.

He knows what just happened.

❀

Arthit is hanging his clothes on his porch when he suddenly feels his chest tightening.

Then he coughs.

He coughs his first petal.

The breeze blows it away, but Arthit tries to catch it before it leaves his porch. He manages to grab it, but in full view of the occupant across the other building.

He gives a sorry look at him.

Then, he opens his palm.

It's a purple petal.

It's a purple hyacinth.

Purple hyacinth means regret. 

❀