< (2) - solace >

It’s almost time for our concert and I think I’m struggling.

That’s a step, right? Realising it.

I don’t know. But at this point, I can’t hide it anymore.

The rehearsals for our concert are today and I'm in the worst state ever. Forgetting the choreography, forgetting the lyrics to our songs and almost falling asleep while I’m speaking on stage. I’m concentrating on the pattern of the stage floor more so than I am with my actual job. And the worst part? The members are starting to notice.

I push on because that’s what I do as a leader. If I break down, the others will suffer and I can’t let that happen. I have to be reliable.

The music starts again and I think this is the fourth time we’ve practised Russian Roulette. My manager gives me a thumbs up from the sound desk below the stage. I can feel them all watching me closely and I take a deep breath. It’s not only them but my members are burning holes in the back of my head with worry, ready to anticipate another mistake.

Especially Seulgi.

What is her problem anyway? Why does she look like she’s ready to whisk me away and take me to the nearest health clinic right now? I’m more than capable of handling myself and it’d be much easier if she could stop analysing every ounce of my behaviour. Right now, she’s giving me a look that is so familiar, I can translate exactly what she’s saying to me.

You didn’t sleep last night.

I give her the same look back.

That’s not your problem.

I turn around and the music starts. I try to block out the look I saw on Seulgi’s face—full of disappointment, worry and most of all: sadness.

.

.

.

We’re getting a half an hour break and I make a beeline to the break room.

Sooyoung is there and she’s gathering drinks for the crew. I don’t stop to say hello and make my way to the fridge, grabbing—what I guess is—my fourth energy drink of the day but by then I’ve already lost count. Not that I care. Now Sooyoung is giving me that look and I hate it.

Not her too.

“What?” I say between gulps.

“Nothing,” She says.

Bull.

“It’s not. You’re looking at me like I’m a cripple. Why is everyone looking at me like that?”

“You’re not well, unnie.”

“I’m perfectly fine! Can’t you tell?”

Her eyes drift to the can in my hand and she’s sighing. Sooyoung is sighing at me.

“Look, unnie. I’m only saying this because we all care about you. But you have to stop pushing yourself to your limit. Can’t you see you’re slowly losing it? You couldn’t even recognise Yerim-ah when she gave you your mic today. She’s worried about you too.”

“I think everyone is worried about me a little too much,” I say. “I can handle it. I’m fine.”

“Okay but if you need to talk—”

“I said I’m fine, Sooyoung!”

My mouth clamps shut and I instantly regret shouting at her. I want to apologise but the initial shock registered on her face is just replaced with a frown. It seemed like forever before Sooyoung spoke.

“Do you even know how many breaks we’ve had today?”

Why would she even ask that?

“No. Why?”

“Seven. More than what we would usually have for a rehearsal day. That’s because Seulgi kept on insisting, practically begging our manager, to let us stop and rest for half an hour. I don’t know how she’s managed to do it seven times but she did it for you.”

I stay quiet and stare at the can in my hand.

“She did it so that you could get some rest even just for a while. That girl is doing so much for you, you know.”

"I only care because it’s you."

No, this isn’t fair. Why do I suddenly feel like crying?

I keep my eyes trained to the floor but the sound of Sooyoung’s heels disappearing from the room leaves me alone to think about what she said. Once again I’m left alone with my thoughts. Thoughts of why I feel so pathetic, so ungrateful and so confused over Seulgi and why she’s doing this. I don’t even understand myself anymore. Or why I dreamt of that kiss the other night.

“Ugh.”

“Unnie?”

Right on cue, Seulgi appears by the door. Plastered with that dumb look on her face. I hate that look so much. It hurts.

“What?” I spit out. “Are you going to scold me too?”

My mind is running on overdrive and I’m losing control of my words. I know it’s all over for me now as the four cans of red bull kick into my system and my walls are starting to collapse.

“Save it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

“Unnie please,” She’s begging. “Why are you being like this? I know you’re tired but why won’t you even speak to me today? Did I do something to upset you?”

“No. I mean, yes but I don’t know!