Taemin prayed Jongin wouldn’t open the door as he pressed the button beside the door with a racing heart. For the first time in his life, he hoped with all his heart that his best friend wouldn’t come to greet him, that he was somewhere entirely different, preferably a few hundred miles away.

The sound of approaching footsteps made Taemin even more nervous to a point where he could feel beads of cold sweat forming on his forehead. He had been anxious all day, all weekend to be exact, but the thought of Jongin had driven away all of his previous worries.

When the footsteps halted, Taemin unintentionally clutched the small package in his hands more tightly. Technically, he knew the chocolate inside wouldn’t stand the heat, but at this moment he was wholly focused on the door in front of him – the very same door that suddenly opened, revealing Kibum’s – or Key’s? – slim figure.

Taemin would have let out a huge sigh of relief, if it hadn’t been for the fact that the stare of Jongin’s sibling made him feel even more uncomfortable.

When Kibum opened his mouth, Taemin squeaked involuntarily.

“Taemin-ah?” Jongin’s sibling sounded incredulous, his eyes wide open.

Taemin figured Kibum hadn’t expected him to appear in front of his door ever again after their last talk, let alone so soon after. It had been two days. Two days were nothing.

“Are you… Do you want to visit Jongin-ah?”

Kibum’s voice was thicker than usual, as if his throat was suddenly blocked by a huge lump. He had seemed hesitant just now, as if it was very hard for him to talk to Taemin normally – if that was the case, the feeling was mutual, though Taemin wished it wasn’t.

“I- I came to see you!” he stuttered, feeling his entire face heat up as he made a mess up the syllables. “I br-brought chocolate, too!”

He stretched out his hand, presenting the package to Kibum, who took it with a frown. However, a smile tugged at his lips when he looked up again.

“Chocolate? Why is that?”

He looked uncharacteristically timid and Taemin hated knowing that it was because of him – because of what had happened previously. Of course, Kibum still wasn’t sure how Taemin felt about him.

“Yes, because I thought… I wanted to bring flowers at first because I wanted to say sorry and you deserve the most beautiful bouquet, but then I thought that may seem weird so I decided to bring chocolate because I know you love it, everyone loves it…or don’t you?”

Taemin honestly hated himself for rambling, but all the words he had carefully thought up before coming here were all jumbled up in his head now. He blushed even more, unable to stare at Kibum any longer so he looked down at the ground.

“I like chocolate,” Kibum finally said. “It’s very nice of you that you got me some… I’ll- Maybe you can come in and we could…share it?”

“I-I like chocolate, too,” Taemin awkwardly replied.

He had originally meant to tell Kibum that he would love to come in, but this was good enough, he thought as he took off his shoes inside the hallway as he had done so many times before.

“Where’s Jongin?” he curiously asked Kibum, who was patiently waiting for him.

The older shrugged.

“He went out with dad, but I opted out of joining them. I wasn’t in the right mood earlier today – but I’m really glad you came and visited me!”

He sent Taemin a small, timid smile that made his heart flutter lightly. Taemin immediately looked down again.

“Where do you want to go? The living room?”

“Well…” Kibum thought for a moment, then his face lit up. “Do you want to come see my room? It’s just, we were always in the living room for our lessons, but you’ve never been to my room. You don’t have to of course, we can stay down here if you’re more comfortable like that.”

“No, no, no, of course not!” Taemin exclaimed.

He wanted Kibum to feel comfortable and if he wanted to show him his room, so be it.

“I’d like to see your room!”

So Kibum showed him his room. It wasn’t much, being only half the size of Jongin’s room, but Kibum’s presence alone made it seem more homely.

In general, the room was quite normal. It was equipped with a bed and a couch, a desk for schoolwork and a giant wardrobe that was an essential piece of furniture, considering how many clothes Kibum owned.

“You can sit on the couch if you want,” Kibum offered as he got a pair of scissors to open Taemin’s package. “Do you want to drink something?”

“No thanks, hyung, I’m fine,” Taemin smiled. “I actually…well…I wanted to talk about the reason why I’m here.”

“Yes?”

Kibum looked up and when their eyes met, Taemin couldn’t suppress a shudder. Once again, the other looked too vulnerable, too easy to break, as if he was scared Taemin could leave any moment.

“I’m not gonna leave,” Taemin blurted out. “You look very worried, but please…please don’t be afraid, hyung! I’m not gonna leave you!”

He stopped for a moment to calm his breathing a little before continuing, “what you told me was…a lot and I’m not sure if I understood everything. So that’s why I’m here, to clear everything up. I want to start over again and respect…the way you feel. But most of all, I want you to know that I’m not gonna leave just like that.”

“O-okay.”

Kibum let out a little nervous laugh.

“I’m glad. So…what do you want to know?”

A part of Taemin was glad that he wasn’t the only one feeling unbearably awkward in this situation, but he also didn’t like how unsure Kibum seemed of himself. This wasn’t the fierce boy – or girl, for that matter – he had come to know. However, if this side of Kibum was a part of him too, Taemin was willing to accept it.

“Sooo,” he drew out the syllable to gain a little bit more time before speaking, always afraid that he would mess up somehow. “Are you trans?”

Kibum’s eyebrows shot up and Taemin jumped. He shouldn’t have blurted out his question like this – what if it offended Kibum in any way?

“I mean, I really don’t know,” he quickly added, trying to clean up the mess he had made. “I tried to do some research on the internet and I found a lot of stuff, but now I’m just a lot more confused than before.”

“Don’t worry, Taemin, I’m not mad or anything,” Kibum said. “The question just took me by surprise, that’s all. But…I’m not sure if I can answer it.

“Am I trans? Well…”

He paused for a moment, maybe to collect his thought or to gain enough strength for the explanations Taemin wanted – it couldn’t be easy for him to talk about this topic. Taemin had realized that much at least.

“It depends on the definition. I’d personally say yes, I am part of the trans community…definitely…and I don’t identify as my assigned gender. But most people think of ‘transual’ when they say trans. I’m not transual, I think. Instead, I feel like I’m stuck somewhere in-between.”

“Okay,” Taemin breathed.

He was eager to hear more about Kibum’s feelings. Even though he had never been interested in the topic before, he suddenly felt like he needed to learn all about it.

“I already told you that I feel like a boy on some days and like a girl on others,” Kibum went on. “Today, actually…I feel feminine, but not entirely.”

“So…I should call you Key?”

Taemin received a nod as an answer and quickly added, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that.”

“It’s okay,” Key told him again. “It’s hard for people to differentiate. I mean, most persons would just believe what they see, right? I don’t have long hair and make-up on, so I’m not a girl – but that isn’t really true for me. Not always, anyway.”

She sighed.

“I’m probably not making a lot of sense right now, am I?”

“No, you’re making perfect sense!” Taemin exclaimed all too quickly. “I really want to understand how you feel!”

“That means a lot to me, Taem,” Key said and for the first time that day, she genuinely, happily smiled at him. “So, about what I am… I choose not to label that. I’ve read so many definitions on the internet, but I didn’t find anything that felt just right. Therefore, I just say I’m trans or non-binary. That works for me…”

“Okay, I think I get that,” Taemin truthfully told her, extracting another smile from her. “Do you…can I ask why you didn’t tell me? I mean, it’s kinda obvious, I don’t think it’s accepted around here and you mentioned that before as well, but…”

However, Taemin didn’t get to finish because Key interrupted him in his speech.

“I didn’t tell you because I was afraid. I’ll be… I’ll try to be very honest with you because I trust you, Taemin-ah.”

Again, she took a deep breath before saying, “I’m always afraid. People aren’t accepting, they’re only hateful and…it’s hard to get hurt all the time so I’m trying to protect myself as much as I can.”

Her voice had lowered so much throughout her statement that she was barely whispering now, but Taemin didn’t dare say anything. He just sat there and watched her, watched her lips move. He felt a weird emptiness when he realized why she had been lying to him.

“I’ve only ever told a handful of people about my feelings… Jongin knows, Minho knows, of course Jjong does and Jinki-hyung. Jjong’s mother and sister, too. But that’s about it.

“I told you before, when I met you, I didn’t expect you to become important to me this quickly. I couldn’t risk telling you anything at first – what if you had revealed my secret to anyone? I didn’t know whether you would be accepting or hostile – actually, I didn’t know that until today.

“But the more time we spent together, the more I started to hope with all my heart that you would just…look past my issues…that you’d treat me the same. But I was so afraid that I couldn’t tell you. Because I’m a coward.”

Key’s voice broke at the end and Taemin wanted to gather her up in his arms, but it felt like he was paralyzed. He couldn’t will his body to move and while Key was clearly worked up, Taemin felt so many different and confusing emotions that he thought he would burst if she kept talking.

The most distinct feeling in his gut was sadness, sympathy – he hated the fact that Key had to hide her true self, that she was forced to tell others lies by unspoken norms that should never exist in the first place.

“Has anyone ever reacted…badly when you told them?” Taemin timidly asked.

He already knew the answer would disturb him even more, but at the same time he needed to know, even if it only was because he wanted to tear that person to pieces.

“I…yes.” Key nodded. “I was about to get to that. Maybe I should apologize beforehand because I’m about to get a little emotional, but this…I’m still not over what happened.

“You may know that I transferred schools when I was your age. In my first year of high school, I already knew for sure that I was different…that I felt like a girl sometimes. And I was experimenting with styles and clothes and wigs at that time.

“Well, to make it short – some people at my high school found out and that… It didn’t go down so well. It wasn’t only the students, the teachers said stuff too and I… I just couldn’t stay there. I probably overreacted, but I transferred to Jonghyun-hyung’s school.

“Ever since then, I’ve been really careful. However, now that I’m thinking about it, it probably wasn’t even that bad. It’s just…me who couldn’t take it well.”

By now, Key was positively crying, though this time no sobs shook her body. Instead, silent tears ran down her cheeks as her voice quivered ever-so-slightly – Taemin didn’t know what was worse.

He sat on the couch, frozen, and watched Key cry, the whole situation feeling so different to the other times she had shown her sadness to him. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the ever-present urge to comfort her. Taemin still felt it gnaw at his heart, but this time he only offered her a crumpled tissue instead of hugging her.

“Th-thanks,” Key sniffled after she had successfully blown her nose into the white fabric. “I’m sorry, I’ll try to contain myself. I’m a bit of a crybaby – seems like I’ve been spending too much time with Jjongie.”

She laughed at her own joke, then went on, “actually, I feel a bit better now. It really just was all the tension that got to me, but it’s pretty much gone now. If you want, I can tell you more about me, regarding that issue, I mean – provided you have time of course.”

“Noona,” Taemin breathed, “please tell me more. You’re really important to me and I want to understand your feelings!”

He gave a thumbs-up to emphasize his words and Key’s smile grew brighter.

“Hold on, I have an idea!”

She got up and went over to one of her shelves, returning a few moments later with a black box in her hands. After placing the object on the couch next to Taemin, she plopped down on its other side.

“What’s that?” Taemin asked and she laughed.

“Photos! I’m about to tell me my whole lifestory and you’re gonna love it!”

However, despite her good mood, Taemin just couldn’t forget how broken and insecure she had appeared when talking about her old school and the things that had happened to her.

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i can't believe i'm updating already - it feels weird bc i missed last weekend and had to do it in the middle of the week. but anyway, now you know full well how key feels. it took us a while to get here, but i hope you enjoyed the ride.

ofc, key's feelings are very individual and the way she perceives herself def doesn't apply to anyone. maybe some of you are wondering why she doesn't say she's genderfluid. i acc think that not using a clear label fits her character more - to her, saying she's trans/non-binary is enough, especially as she can't really come out publically anyway.

there's a few chapters left with another major event happening (the of the story hasn't yet been reached) but the next part might be a lot more triggering. pls keep up w the warnings i'll put in the description/note before you start reading future chapters.

i hope you all had a nice easter, or a nice holiday if you don't celebrate. i'll see you all next week, wish me luck for my applications and my studying!