18 hours – that was the time Taemin had spent in his room without coming out so far. Yesterday evening he had immediately locked himself in after coming home with aching soles and freezing hands. Ever since then, he hadn’t come out again.

When his mother had knocked on his door at 06:30 in the morning he had snapped at her, claiming he felt sick.

In all honesty, that was very close to his actual condition.

Taemin was lost. His thought hadn’t given him a break in almost a day yet an answer to all of his questions was nowhere to be seen.

By now, he had spent so many thoughts on yesterday’s events that they felt surreal to him, like they hadn’t occurred at all. What were the odds that his crush, who was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, turned out to be a boy? – not to mention that she was the person he had thought was her twin brother.

The whole thing sounded so weirdly complicated that Taemin could hardly suppress a humorless laugh. Had this scene been part of one of the dramas his mother liked to watch, he wouldn’t have been surprised.

Except, Taemin was almost sure that the whole thing had definitely happened – why else would his feet be burning like someone had set them on fire?

Once again, the boy slowly spun round in his chair, which he hadn’t left last night. His thoughts had kept him occupied for many hours until he had finally fallen asleep on his desk, with his head buried in his arms.

The result was an achy and tense back, but Taemin hardly noticed. He was too caught up reliving the scene that had unfolded at Jongin’s house yesterday.

With a bitter snort, Taemin remembered how he had watched Key – Kibum? – like an old ert. He still didn’t know which demon had possessed him then. He wasn’t a bad guy, but good persons didn’t spy on their crush changing their clothes without their consent.

However, the outcome of the situation had been entirely different from what Taemin had imagined. Even now, he kept thinking up worst-case scenarios that could have occurred – if Key hadn’t turned out to be a boy. If she hadn’t been Kibum all along. If she hadn’t been lying to Taemin from the very beginning.

Accepting that Key wasn’t a real person was the hardest challenge Taemin had ever faced in his life. He had spent months thinking about the girl, wanting her to be his, loving her from afar.

Actually, that made him sound like a ert, too. Maybe he was one. After so many hours of being alone with his own thoughts, Taemin was ready to believe anything.

Key wasn’t real. There was only Kibum. But what did that mean for his feelings?

The latter was another one of the questions Taemin kept asking himself. He had accepted long ago that he was attracted to both girls and boys, yet he still wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel now.

He had fallen in love with Key. He had hoped while she had been lying to him. He had spent time with Kibum but his mind had always been occupied with Key – or hadn’t it?

Taemin sighed deeply when a grumbling sound erupted from his stomach and disturbed the eerie silence his parents had left him in. They were at work, of course they were. They didn’t know their son was stuck in the middle of a crisis that he feared he would never overcome.

What irked Taemin the most of all things was the fact that so many things made sense now. He had noticed just how close Kibum and Jonghyun seemed to be. Of course they were close; after all, they were boyfriends.

Suddenly, Taemin was able to remember a whole lot of other situations too in which the people around him had acted weird. They had stuttered when referring to Key or completely interrupted themselves before they could give anything away.

Taemin was sure everyone knew about Key, about Kibum, and he had been the only deceived one. Jonghyun knew, Minho knew, Jinki knew, his teachers knew – why else would they have made such strange comments?

And Jongin knew.

There was no way to deny his best friend had been one of the first persons to lie to Taemin. He had never had two older siblings but when Kibum had introduced himself as Key, Jongin had gone along with it instantly.

What had Taemin done to deserve this? Why had everyone lied to him? What was the purpose of Key’s existence? Was she a role Kibum liked to play?

Taemin run his hands through his hair with a frustrated sigh. The disappointment of having been lied to weighed down on him heavily, even though a small voice in the back of his head kept telling him he wasn’t the one who should be angry.

However, Taemin didn’t care. His head was messed up, filled with too many thoughts and too many questions and he wondered if anyone could ever change that.

____________________________

“Taemin-ah?”

It had been three days. Three days since the incident. In those three days, Taemin had only left his room a handful of times. He had sneaked downstairs to get something to eat but apart from that, the only room he had gone to was the small bathroom adjoining to his room.

“Taemin-ah?”

That was his mother’s voice. She had called him often in the last three days, trying to coax him out of his room, yet to no avail. Apart from telling her he felt sick, Taemin refused to speak to her.

“Are you feeling okay right now?” she asked through the closed door and the genuine worry in her voice should have made Taemin feel guilty. It didn’t.

“Hmh,” he hummed.

He would have turned her down like he had before, but he suddenly had a hunch that maybe this time was different from the other times she had tried to talk to him. After all, she wasn’t attempting to convince him to go and see a doctor or anything along those lines.

“There’s a guest for you, Taemin-ah,” his mother said, her voice still muffled by the wood that separated her from her son. “He asked to see you.”

Taemin vaguely remembered the doorbell chiming a few minutes ago, though he had hardly taken notice of it then. Once again, he had been spinning on his chair, brooding over the last few days and wallowing in self-pity.

It was Friday. His dance instructor was probably mad at him for not showing up to practice in such a long time.

“Who is it?” Taemin asked back after a few second.

He couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to see him, let alone taking it upon themselves to go all the way to his house. His friends had all been lying to him apparently, so it couldn’t be any of them – or could it?

Maybe it’s Jongin, Taemin thought just when his mother answered.

“It’s- He said he’s Jongin-ah’s brother. Kibum? Yeah, that’s right, Kibum.”

The familiar name was all it took for Taemin’s mind to go into overdrive. His head started spinning and he had to close his eyes for a moment, afraid that he would black out from the impact of his shock.

Kibum was here. He was here to talk to Taemin. What would he say?

“I-I’m busy,” Taemin quickly choked out.

His voice sounded unstable all of a sudden and he hoped to god his mother hadn’t noticed. Taemin felt heat rising up his neck and cheeks and his hands were shaking slightly – he absolutely couldn’t talk to Kibum right now.

“Are you sure, Minnie?”

The term of endearment felt like a knife to Taemin’s chest and he had to squeeze his eyes shut from the pain. Why wouldn’t his mother leave him alone?

“He looked really distraught, I’d feel bad to make him leave again. I told him you’re not feeling well but- Could you talk to him, Taemin? Please?”

Each new word of hers was poison. Taemin hated it, he hated that he suddenly felt like a weight had been dropped onto his chest, keeping him from breathing in. He hated that he didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do about the fact that Kibum was waiting for him right in front of his house.

“I really can’t, Eomma!” he somehow got out as he got up from his chair, frantically searching for a place to hide.

The bathroom – perfect!

Taemin slipped inside quickly and shut the door, which made it more difficult to hear his mother’s reply. Still, he could sense her disappointment as she told him to sleep. Then she left and Taemin was alone again.

He stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes, even though he wasn’t sure why. Taemin didn’t have an answer as to why was heart was rapidly pounding in his chest and why his palms were so sweaty and cold.

A shiver ran down his spine and he shuddered uncomfortably, blinking a few times to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. He wasn’t ready to talk to Kibum, not when he still didn’t have any answers.

His own thoughts just made him more confused and even though he longed to find out why Kibum had lied to him, he couldn’t bring himself to talk to Jongin’s brother yet. That, and the burning disappointment that came with knowing that Key was gone held Taemin back from going downstairs and facing Kibum like a man.

After a while, he finally dared to walk out of the bathroom, but instead of plopping down onto his chair again he chose the bed where he lay down and buried his face in his blankets.

However, as nothing seemed to come out of that, Taemin finally decided he had to do something. Maybe he should go downstairs and get himself a hot drink – ever since his mother had called him, he had been feeling unreasonably cold, but a coffee could change that.

That was one of the things Key had taught him during their tutoring lessons.

Dismissing the memory with a bitter half-smirk, Taemin dragged himself towards the door and out into the hallway for the first time in hours. His sock-padded feet made no sound as they slid across the shiny floor. Taemin didn’t want to be noticed by his mother, who would just ask him questions about earlier.

Taemin had made it halfway down the stairs when he suddenly heard quiet voices coming from the living room. From the spot where he was standing, he could peer through the gap between the door and its frame and what he saw made him freeze instantly.

Two people appeared to be sitting at the table, one of them being his mother while the other one was, unmistakably, Kibum.

Taemin wanted to turn on the spot and flee into the safety of his room again. However, it was as if some strange force had taken over his body now. His feet moved on their own, one step down, then another step and soon enough he was staggering towards the living room like a zombie.

Why had his mother even let Kibum in?

Jongin’s brother was the first one to notice Taemin’s presence. It showed in the way he suddenly stopped talking, his eyes wide and fixated on a spot behind Taemin’s mother – the spot where her son was standing right now.

Taemin’s face felt as though it had been made of stone, incapable of showing expressions. What was even worse, though, was the fact that all of Kibum’s emotions were reflected on his face. His expression changed from surprise to perplexity to a look of deep insecurity and all the while, Kibum looked more vulnerable than Taemin had ever seen him before,

His mother must have noticed her son too by now and she really turned around, smiling softly as if to thank him for coming.

“I’m gonna leave you two alone now that Taemin is here,” she spoke as she got up from her chair. “If you need any more tea, feel free to call me, Kibum-ah.”

She gave Jongin’s brother another look before turning around and leaving just like she had announced. The moment she closed the door behind her, the atmosphere in the room changed. Suddenly, there was a kind of tension that Taemin hadn’t even imagined in his worst nightmares.

He felt even colder now, but didn’t act on the urge of getting himself a blanket from the couch. After all, Kibum was only dressed in a thin jacket – he must be freezing.

As he avoided the older boy’s gaze at all costs, Taemin’s eyes landed on the cup in front of Kibum which was, surprisingly, filled with tea. All the other times Taemin had met him, Key, in the afternoon, he had preferred coffee, so why had he resorted to drinking tea?

Maybe it was because Taemin’s family didn’t own a fancy coffee machine. Or he felt like something new was needed in this situation. Taemin almost laughed out loud at his own thoughts.

Here he was, seriously wondering about Kibum’s drinking habits when there was another matter hanging in the air between them like a thick, dark raincloud.

“Taemin-ah,” Kibum finally said and the all-too-familiar sound of his voice made goosebumps appear on Taemin’s skin. “I-I’m sorry for coming here like this. Without a warning and all…”

He was looking down, though Taemin didn’t understand why. It wasn’t like Kibum couldn’t stand looking him in the eye, was it?

He stayed silent, waiting for Kibum to elaborate. Taemin was aware of how cruel he was being, but at the same time he couldn’t think of anything to say. It was as if his tongue had been tied in his mouth.

“I think I have some serious explaining to do,” Kibum quietly went on.

One of his hands appeared from under the table, his fingers carding through his dark hair as he spoke.

“But first of all, I wanted to say sorry. You- I never meant for it to end up like this. I didn’t…”

He took a deep, shaky breath and for a moment, Taemin feared he was going to start crying. But instead, Kibum just talked.

“What you saw three days ago, that- that must’ve been confusing and hard for you to accept. You’re probably still confused, so that’s why I’m here. To t-tell you that…well… I’m-“

He breathed out again.

“I’m not a boy. Or at least I don’t feel like one.”

“What?”

At first, Taemin was sure he hadn’t heard right. He must have misunderstood what Kibum had just said, seeing as his words did not make any sense.

“I’m not a boy,” Kibum repeated, only sounding more insecure this time and that was when Taemin realized it couldn’t have been a fault.

This was real. Kibum had just contradicted what Taemin could perceive with his own eyes.

However, his statement made Taemin’s brain start to work. During all this time he had spent asking himself questions, he hadn’t once considered Key being anything more than an illusion.

He had assumed Kibum had been playing a sick little game of dress up, but now things finally dawned on him. Taemin knew there were people who felt like they were born with the wrong , though he had never met anyone like that. After all, the topic was very frowned upon in South Korea.

But maybe Kibum was actually like that. Maybe Kibum was a girl stuck inside a boy’s body – things suddenly began to make sense to Taemin.

“S-so, you’re not Kibum?” he tentatively asked, not sure how to address Jongin’s sibling now that he – she? – had outed himself. “You’re…a girl.”

To his surprise, Kibum shook his head. He looked defeated.

“I wish it was that easy, but it’s not. If you are willing to listen, I’ll try to explain it to you today. Or at least parts of it. It’s kind of a complicated story that can’t be told within a single hour.”

“Of course I’ll listen,” Taemin quickly said.

All of the anger he had felt seemed to have vanished, replaced by an odd sense of curiosity. Even though he had felt betrayed, Taemin wanted to know what was going on and Kibum was about to give him answers.

“Are you sure? Your reaction three days ago was pretty…harsh.”

“Of course I am sure!”

It was like their tutoring lesson all over again, when Taemin had told Key about his passion for dancing. He remembered being unsure at first, but after she had reassured him over and over again, he had told her.

“Hy- Kibum,” he said, in a voice that didn’t sound like his own.

It was more mature than it had been before and if he was honest, Taemin wasn’t sure if he was actually in his living room talking to Kibum. Sometimes, he felt like he was watching the scene from afar rather than being a part of it.

“I really want to hear it,” he said. “I was very surprised, but now I’m confused and…I want answers. I need answers, so please give them to me.”

“Alright…”

Kibum breathed out, as if he wanted to collect all of his strength. He stared into his cup for a few seconds before he finally opened his mouth and started to speak.

“So…As I said, I’m not a boy, or I don’t feel like one. Maybe that’s easier to grasp. But I’m not a girl either, not really. It’s just…”

He swallowed hard, then went on.

“I don’t know what I am. It may sound bizarre, but some days I feel very feminine. Like my body doesn’t fit me. It just feels wrong and sometimes all I really want to do is peel my own skin off.

“But then… Some days, I feel like Kibum. I am Kibum, I feel alright. And it’s not that I’m always either a boy or a girl. I- I feel like I’m mostly leaning more towards one side or the other. Today I’m more masculine, but not quite, you know. Well, of course you don’t know. This probably sounds crazy to you, right?”

It does, Taemin wanted to reply truthfully, but he bit his tongue – he couldn’t disturb Kibum now. While the older kept talking, Taemin suddenly got a weird feeling in his chest, one that he had gotten once before when he had been on his friendly coffee date with Key.

Back then, it had felt like she had opened up to him a little. And that was what Kibum was doing right now – opening up. Exposing his everything. Making himself vulnerable. Taemin didn’t know if he even deserved to hear this.

“On days I feel feminine, I’m Key,” Kibum continued, but he sounded a lot more choked up now. “Not many people know but whenever someone…respects my wish to be called Key…when they accept the way I feel – they don’t even have to understand me, I don’t even ask for that – I…that means a lot to me.”

Kibum was on the verge of crying now, Taemin realized, and he wanted to run and give the older the biggest hug he could muster up.

However, he couldn’t move. The words had put a distance between them that Taemin couldn’t overcome easily, even though Kibum’s explanation shouldn’t have changed anything.

What does it matter? Taemin desperately wondered.

It shouldn’t matter. It didn’t matter – yet it did. Somehow.

“That day, I felt like- I felt like Key,” Kibum got out, still fighting his own tears. “You know, I’m not always dressed up on Key-days. I don’t always wear my stuff…my wig…sometimes I’m Kibum and I like dresses too, it doesn’t matter.

“But sometimes it makes me feel better to become more like a girl and I…I’m sorry you had to find out like that. You weren’t supposed to. It’s just hard to tell people what I’m like when we first meet, so I thought I’d be okay. I never expected you to become such a big part of my life this quickly but…

“But now you’re one of my closest friends, Taemin, you mean so much to me and I don’t wanna lose you, please.”

Here Kibum stood, crying and begging Taemin not to leave. His shoulders were shaking like the day Key had cried in front of Taemin, but this time the younger couldn’t just say everything would be okay.

In fact, he couldn’t talk at all.

Taemin wanted to hold Kibum and tell him they’d be fine; that he’d stay. He was certain he would. But the words that came out of his mouth contradicted his every thought and he couldn’t do anything.

“I need time to think about this,” a puppet-version of Lee Taemin stated. “I need to figure out what you just told me. I’m sorry, I- Can I do anything for you? Do you need me to get you anything? Tissues?”

“N-no, I’m alright,” Kibum said, although his hiccups proved him wrong. “I guess I should go home and give you s-some space. Thanks for listening, Taeminnie. I guess I’ll see you around.”

“I’ll see you off.”

As Taemin watched Kibum put his shoes on, he realized the older had placed the pair he himself had lost three days ago next to the door, along with some other stuff he must have found at his home.

When he walked through the door, Kibum wasn’t crying anymore, but he didn’t look happy either. Taemin watched him leave and seeing his slumped shoulders and slow steps put him in a weird mood.

All the while, he had assumed he was the hurt one, but now he was beginning to question if in reality, Kibum was the one he should sympathize with.

“I won’t leave you just like that, hyung,” Taemin whispered soundlessly.

However, no one heard his words that day, least of all Kibum who was walking home in such a sad manner.

__________________________________

here it is - the first part of kibum's explanation. it still leaves a bit of room for you to guess, but there will be a better explanation in the next chapter. for now, taemin is pretty much overwhelmed by what he already knows. and if you're wondering why kibum isn't mad at him - i guess it's self-explanatory. if you don't know yet, you'll probably find out within the next ten days.

i hope you're liking this story. i'm only realizing this now, but i think it portrays how taemin learns about kibum bit by bit, about his flaws and fears and issues - maybe that's why i'm so proud of it.

i wish you all a very nice easter (in case you celebrate) and if you aren't, enjoy your break! i'll update again this weekend (this week is a double update, yay!)