2019 Winter
06:00

Once Seungkwan stepped out of the airport, he stretched out his arms and took a breath of fresh air. He had taken the earliest flight out from Incheon to Jeju Island that morning, and the sun was just beginning to rise. His flight was mostly empty, as Chuseok passed a week ago, when there were still schedules with Seventeen. But being here with no crowd, Seungkwan got to enjoy his holiday even more.

“Seungkwan! Over here!” a loud voice rang out. Seungkwan quickly turned around to see both his older sisters, waving to him from their car.

“Noona! You both came?” He quickly made his way over to the rear door, where Bookkeu also eagerly welcomed Seungkwan. Once inside the car, he wrapped the dog up in his arms and said, “Ah, my favorite family member, Bookkeu.”

“Watch what you say,” Jinseol said, shooting him a look from the front passenger seat.

“It’s okay, Bookkeu is also my favorite family member,” Sojeong said, pulling back onto the road.

“Ah, but really thank you guys for picking me up. I was going to take the bus,” Seungkwan said.

“No need to be so thankful. Vernon asked us to take care of you. Also we just wanted to surprise Mom when she wakes up and sees you. And she’ll be super thankful to us,” Sojeung said.

“Besides us, who else are you meeting up with today?” Jinseol asked.

“Well… I have to go back before tomorrow morning, and today is a work day, so I didn’t want to bother too many people from school,” Seungkwan said.

“Everyone at home is healthy. You don’t need to be so generous. Go have fun with some friends today! Otherwise mom or your sister and I may start nagging you and you’ll just get annoyed of us before leaving,” Sojeung suggested.

Jinseol then turned around in her seat and stuck her camera in her brother’s face. “Smile!” She took a series of photos. “By the way, I have to go into work later. Can I show my boss these photos to say why I was late?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Seungkwan said, trying to knock the phone out of her hand. Jinseol laughed giddily and continued to update her family on the latest work gossip. Meanwhile, Seungkwan opened up the contacts in his phone, scrolling through the names of old classmates still in the area.

Seungkwan felt like he was reaching the point where most of his memories, and certainly most of his friends, were back in Seoul. After leaving his one home when he was just fourteen years old, he created a new home in Seoul. It was strange, at first, being in a large, fast-paced city with so much to see and to do. But now, as they drove past new, fancy shopping malls and tall, shiny apartment buildings, Seungkwan felt nervous about calling this place home.

11:00

“I’ll finish the dishes—you go rest,” Seungkwan said, taking a plate from his mother’s hands.

“It’s my joy to do this for my baby, who I get to see so rarely!” she insisted.

“Mom, hurry and take a nap.” Seungkwan held tightly onto the plate and pushed his mother away with his hip.

“Oh my, what a beautiful son,” she said, pinching his right cheek. “Okay, okay—I’m meeting with some aunties soon anyway. And I need to go pick up some yarn before I do, We’re knitting sweaters for the local shelter.”

“You have plans today? Didn’t you just complain about how I’m never home?”

“Please! It’s not like you ever stay home when you’re back anyway. Don’t you have plans later, also?”

Seungkwan nearly dropped a spoon he was rinsing, and laughed. “Ha, well, of course! Now go knit sweaters with your friends and gossip about each other’s families.”

“Yes, yes.” Seungkwan’s mother started putting on her jacket when she asked, “Now I may be back before dinner. Would you like to go to a restaurant? Or will you still be out then?”

“I…” Seungkwan rapidly followed the different paths different responses could take him, as he currently had no plans, with no friends. “I’ll be back probably after dinner. Just have fun with your friends today. I’m sleeping here tonight, anyway, and returning in the early morning tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Seungkwan’s mother kissed her son goodbye and left soon after. When it was just him, Seungkwan turned off the water and stared at the ridiculous stack of dishes left over from the family’s early lunch-late Chuseok meal together.

At that moment, his phone lit up with a new message from Vernon.

How’s home?  

Seungkwan lifted up his phone and typed out different responses.

Great!
Food was delicious.
Bookkeu cute.
Sisters crazy as always.
…
Fine.
Barely feels like home anymore. And I’m here alone.

He erased each response, especially the last one, and decided to not yet respond. Bookeu barked at him from the dining room, making Seungkwan jump a bit. Bookkeu had dragged his leash out from the living room as well.

“Aigoo, Bookkeu, of course you’re the only family  I can rely on.”

11:30

Seungkwan brought Bookkeu to a nearby dog park, where he let the small white dog roam freely. The park was mainly empty, with just one other elderly married couple there with their older dog. Bookkeu excitedly ran circles around the older dog, who seemed to enjoy just basking under the sunlight like its owners.

Seungkwan sat on a bench, again looking through his old contacts. “At university… at work… moved… in the army…” he mumbled to himself. “What’s the point of coming back when there’s no one to visit? I should have just stayed in Seoul with Jun and Myungho.”

Then, as if it were a Korean drama, Seungkwan turned around to see a women walking by herself towards the dog park area. She wrapped herself up in a thick overcoat, scarf, and beret, with her short reddish hair sticking out from the end of her hat. And as she walked closer, Seungkwan recognized her face.

“Misun?” Seungkwan asked, standing up. The woman—who was staring at the two dogs—then looked over to Seungkwan, unrecognizable under his black hoodie, black face mask, and black baseball cap.

“Yes… who are you?” Misun asked, approaching him but at a distance.

Seungkwan took off his mask and pushed down his hood. “It’s me, Kwan. It’s been a long time,” he said, suddenly nervous.

Misun began to laugh, covered , and then laughed even harder. “Kwan! Seungkwan! It’s really been a long time!” Misun walked to the bench and stared in amazement at the singer.

“You look so surprised to see me,” Seungkwan said. He motioned for her to sit on the bench. “Have you been well?

“Well, well enough that I’m still here. That’s what life is all about, right?” Once Misun finished her sentence, she let out another burst of laughter out of nervousness—she was saying too much and something too depressing to an old classmate—an idol!

Her honesty also caught Seungkwan off guard, who laughed but politely covered his mouth. “This is life. It’s full of surprises.” There was a silent pause, then, as he wasn’t sure what to ask her next.

“But you’ve been doing well, right?” Misun asked. “Honestly, I really enjoy Seventeen songs. We brag about you among old classmates, you know?”

“Ah… don’t say it like that—it’s embarrassing. I just try my best to survive, too. But thank you for appreciating our music,” Seungkwan said, holding up a hand to his heart at the end. “So what are you up to lately? Are you still studying?”

Misun nodded, looking out towards the distance again. “Yes, still studying. I’m studying public health. Or, was. I’m not sure anymore. But that’s not important. I’m fine. It’s…” Her words began to trail off, but she managed to maintain a smile. “I’m taking a semester off from school to just spend time at home and reconsider if I want to transfer to a new department.”

“Ah, I see…” Seungkwan was at a loss for words. “That’s good you’re taking your time. I’m sure studies are hard. And like you said, life can be difficult. I’m sure you’ll figure it out and—” Seungkwan felt the empty encouragements fall flat, as Misun’s eyes sunk deeper into the distance.

“Is that your dog?” Misun asked, pointing to Bookkeu. The elderly couple had retrieved their dog, and started exiting the park. Bookkeu followed them for a short distance, but then turned around and ran back to Seungkwan’s bench. Bookkeu jumped up, and Seungkwan lifted the dog onto the bench.

“Bookkeu,” he introduced.

“Bookkeu?” Misun laughed. “So Boo Bookkeu? Or just Kkeu?”

Seungkwan laughed with her. “Ah, who knows. My sisters named him.”

“I’ve been begging my parents to adopt a dog. But I think they’re still a little sad about our older dogs passing away. It happened when I was a child, so I barely remember.” Misun said, petting the small dog in front of her.

“I can’t imagine living at home without Bookkeu. He’s the only one holding the family together.” Seungkwan said. He also began to pet the dog, his hand brushing against Misun’s at times. “Home can become complicated when we get older. I didn’t understand at first why my sisters insisted on moving out when they still live in Jeju—but now, I’m beginning to understand.”

Misun didn’t respond at first, but nodded alongside Seungkwan’s words. “Home is complicated.”

As they sat there on the bench, Seungkwan noticed a silver ring on Misun’s left hand, engraved with a heart. “Is that from your boyfriend?” he asked.

“Ah, this?” Misun played with her ring. “You can say that. This person is… special to me. But it’s also something making life more complicated.”

“Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean to pry—”

“It’s fine. I’m very open,” Misun folded her hands in her lap. “Kwan—Seungkwan, have you ever really deeply, completely regretting something in life? Not just regretting one action, but maybe regretting the path that you took. Regretting the choice that made you go down that path and continue it.”

Seungkwan crossed his legs and thought for a minute. “I would normally say no. But if I’m in the right mood, and with the right friend, then I’d say yes.” Misun looked at Seungkwan, and he turned to hold eye contact with her. She looked as lost and as confused as she sounded, like she was on the verge of shaking. He reached a hand out towards her, but Misun suddenly laughed again.

“I’m sorry, that was such a serious question. Forget I ever asked it.” Misun shook her head and focused her attention again on petting Bookkeu.

Seungkwan didn’t stop glancing up at his old friend, who suddenly looked completely happy. He quickly looked around to see if anyone was around and, seeing no one, asked, “Want to get a cup of coffee?”

16:00

Seungkwan and Misun’s afternoon sped by swiftly. They dropped off Bookkeu back home, took a taxi to Misun’s coffee recommendation—Seungkwan remembered she was crazy for coffee—and found themselves browsing the nearby used bookstore. Over this period, Misun and Seungkwan caught up on gossip about their mutual friends, they exchanged funny episodes from work and from school, Misun got him caught up on all the latest development news in Jeju, and the coffee shop barista even gave them a lesson on drip coffee—at the cost of a short song by Seungkwan.

Now in the bookstore, the two were on the hunt to find the most ridiculous books.

“Look, Toilet Paper Origami. If you did this in your dorm, your members would be so impressed!” Misun said.

“But this one looks so useful: How You Can Bowl Better Using Self-Hypnosis!” Seungkwan said, waving the book back and forth between Misun’s eyes as if he were hypnotizing her. Misun crossed her eyes and lifted her book back, and bowled it straight into Seungkwan’s stomach.

“I think it’s working!”

Seungkwan stifled his laughter and pushed Misun away. “You’re ridiculous.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Ah, stop copying me. You’re so annoying,” Seungkwan said, waving her away. He then laughed. “Hey, I literally haven’t seen you in years, though. Why do we get along so well?”

“Honestly, I’m keeping my patience with you right now,” Misun replied. Seungkwan glared at his friend, but she just smiled and walked to another aisle. Seungkwan followed her, climbing up the stairs from the first to the fourth floor, where there was an outdoor balcony.

They stepped outside and sat on the plastic bench. The balcony looked barely used, but the view at this hour looked amazing to Seungkwan. He was filled with nostalgia as he looked out towards the streets, small restaurants, and trees in the neighborhood. Clouds began filling the sky, and before long, it began to rain over the balcony rooftop. Seungkwan looked over his shoulder to Misun, who started to look sad once more.

Seungkwan cleared his throat and crossed his legs. “Every time I come back to Jeju, it’s a little different,” he said, slowly. “At first, coming back felt the same every time. But then lately, I started feeling unfamiliar with this place. And unfamiliar with myself. Coming back was hard, and each time it’s like I ask myself, ‘Ah, I’ve changed this much?’ And I see things I improved on, but sometimes, I only see things I feel like I got worse in.”

Misun didn’t say anything at first, and it was quiet for a minute. But then, she said, “Surely you don’t really feel like that.”

“I do. I really do.” He glanced over at his friend before similarly staring out into the rain. “Just this morning, I came here with no plans besides to be a filial son. But my family didn’t need me to be. And once I was alone, I felt scared. I hate the feeling. And I felt trapped in a suddenly unfamiliar place. And I…” Seungkwan hesitated and didn’t know how to even describe his own feelings. “I wonder, am I becoming a cold city person who won’t return to their family one day? A haughty entertainer who will forget about his friends and his home? Maybe, is this what being an adult is, stepping into an unfamiliar identity without even noticing it?”

Misun sighed heavily. “Is this what being an adult is? Not knowing what to do, regretting everything I choose, so instead of living passionately I should just choose one path and finish it to the end? But if I fail on this path, if this path forces me to lose my family or my love, is that the only choice I have?”

“It’s not,” Seungkwan replied, almost forcefully. Misun looked over at Seungkwan, who placed a hand on her knee. “It’s never too late to change something.”

“But I feel like I’m already so behind. My peers tell me I’m fine, my parents tell me to not worry, but I... if I’m disappointed in myself, it feels like nothing can save me now. I’ve disappointed myself, and…” Misun’s words broke off into sobs. She cupped her hands around her face. Seungkwan wasn’t sure if she was fully weeping, or crying out of embarrassment, or what, but he let her be. She uncovered her face to reveal a small amount of tears and leaned back into the wall.

“I’m disappointed in myself. And I stopped knowing what to do. I know I need to continue on, but I can’t. I can’t. Life just seems so… I can’t find the motivation in myself to continue trying so hard,” Misun said, her voice dropping to a whisper.

Seungkwan began to cry alongside her, but quietly wiped away a tear that fell. “You… Don’t feel guilty for feeling disappointed. Tell me.” Seungkwan shifted his body to face Misun, and placed both his hands on her shoulders. “You can tell me everything. I’ll listen.”

Misun refused to make eye contact with Seungkwan, twitching between a smile and a cry. “My story isn’t important.”

“Everyone’s story is important,” Seungkwan said, not moving his hands. “You only hear other people’s stories because they find the voice to share. But every story is different. And you have yours. Let me be the one you can talk to.”

Misun then looked into Seungkwan’s eyes and noticed they, too, were watery. “You’re not lying?”

“I wasn’t lying about my own story, either,” he said. “I’m not going to give you fake responses or encouragements. But I want to be someone you can feel at home with.

Misun closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She felt Seungkwan’s hands slip back, but felt his arm right beside hers. She began. “The thing I most regret now, is something so irrelevant, but I can’t help pinning all my problems onto it. Maybe, I keep thinking, maybe I would have been different. If I just hadn’t taken that research opportunity that summer, and had come home instead…”

Misun shared her biggest regret. She shared how she tied her emotions to her academic career. She shared how she walled off her relationship with friends after a road trip accident she blamed herself for. She shared how she related her wellbeing to her business, and avoided closeness with her family and even her significant other. It was only after months, perhaps a year, that she felt this regret—these regrets.

“I’m disappointed in myself. This life is not what I wanted or expected,” she said. Misun wiped away another tear on her face with a tissue Seungkwan gave her. She smiled a bit. “And I never expected to feel so comfortable sharing this story with Boo Seungkwan.” He smiled as well.

“The best things are also not what we expect,” he slowly said, being careful with his words.

Misun—without looking at Seungkwan—leaned into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back. “Kwan,” she said, “thank you for being here for me. For being someone I can talk to honestly, comfortably.” Seungkwan nodded without saying a word.

“Kwan, do you really feel like this place isn’t your home anymore?”

Seungkwan watched the rain continue to fall on the grey streets below, and looked over at the friend by his side. “I know deep inside it will always be home. But, it’s not the same home I knew before. It’s still changing like I am, getting better and worse. But the best thing I can do is continue to return… and discover something new.”

“Maybe I can find something new, also,” Misun said. She stood up and walked towards the balcony fence, reaching her hand beyond the rooftop to catch the rain.

“And you’ll fall in love with it,” Seungkwan said, softly.

Then, Misun suddenly turned to face her friend and splashed a handful of rain water in his face.

“Ya! Nam Misun!” He stood up, but not before she splashed more rain onto his face. “You just wait there—” He rushed over to the balcony edge, but Misun retreated back indoors. He huffed angrily, as he had to wipe his face, put on his face mask, and don his hat again before following her.

22:30

Bookkeu sprang up from his bed and ran to the front door, barking loudly. The door handle twisted back and forth before opening, and Seungkwan entered the house.

“I’m back!” he called, taking off his rain-soaked jacket and shoes.

“Ah, my son you’re—you’re soaked! Did you not go buy an umbrella?” Seungkwan mom stood in shock at the sight of her son. He took off his wet and shook his wet hair around.

“I did, but I let my friend keep it when I came home,” he replied.

“You’re ridiculous. You should have bought two. It was pouring tonight.” Seungkwan’s mom ran to the bathroom and began pat-drying her son. “You’re going to get sick this way. Then how will you perform?”

“Ah, I can take care of myself. I’ll be fine.” Seungkwan wrapped himself in the towel and kissed his mother’s forehead. “Thank you, Mommy.”

She laughed. “You had a good time at home today?”

“Never been better. But I missed you so much today,” Seungkwan said.

“Oh my, there you go lying again. But I missed you, too. Now go shower.” She rushed her son off to the bathroom, taking his wet jacket and shoes to the laundry room.

“Didn’t expect you to be back so late,” Jinseol said, passing by her brother in the hallway. “Some of us have to drive our brothers to the airport at 4:30AM, you know.”

“Love you, sis,” Seungkwan sang. He opened up his arms for a hug, but Jinseol quickly realized his clothes were wet.

“Ew! What were you doing, dancing in the rain?”

“Oh! How did you know? Do you know the song?” Seungkwan posed like he was hanging off an imaginary lamppost. “I’m singing in the rain—”

“I’m singing in the rain!” Sojeung sang along from another room.

“See? She gets it,” Seungkwan replied.

Jinseol pinched his cheeks and slapped his . “Now go shower and try to get some rest. Your manager will kill me and then you and then me again if you’re not on that flight in the morning.”

“By the way, mom has some food in the fridge that she wants you to take back to your dorm,” Sojeung said, coming out to the hallway.

“Ah, I love being home,” Seingkwan said, dancing off.

“What’s he so excited about?” Sojeung asked.

“He must really miss home cooking,” Jinseol replied. “Our baby is growing up. He even looked a little down this morning, too”

In his room, Seungkwan took out his phone again to finally respond to Vernon’s text message.

How’s home?

>Home is still home♡ See you soon.