Nam Hyejin | Warmth

 

Before I held you I didn't know that the world was this kaleidoscopic.

 

To you, I reached out heart in hand. With a small breath of life, I attempted to catch your attention.

 

Your whole being called out to my cold form fearlessly. Your smile, my warmth.

 

My heart flutters endlessly at the slightest mention of your name.

 

Jealousy, fear of losing you, the ordinary yet special moments I experienced as a result of you.

In the dark eternity, the cold days of my life.

In that long wait, like preordained destiny you shone on me, bring warmth and light to my cold monotonous being.

 

Like the first snow, I ran to you. Engulfing you into my open arms, absorbing your whole being.

 

Becoming one.

•°••°••°••°••°••°°•°°•°°••°••°••°••°••°•

 

The sound of busy streets floods my auditory canals.

The smell of festive treats lingers in my nostrils.

 

With lips agape, my eyes roamed the stark white environment in which I stood.

 

Involuntarily gawking in awe of how much my perspective of the world had metamorphosed, subsequential to my discovery of love.

My once unpropitious existence, now blessed with the miracle that is you.

 

"Are you okay Hyejin-ah?"

 

"Huh, I-I'm fine."

I replied with a shaky voice looking up to meet his gaze.

To my surprise, he was smiling widely at me.

My cheeks flushed a bright red as I looked down shyly.

 

"W-Why are you smiling at me like that?"

 

"Smiling at you like what?"

He said in an obviously cheeky tone, slightly smirking at me.

 

My heartbeat began to fasten its pace.

My face grew redder than before as he was still taunting me.

 

"Oh stop teasing me!"

 

"Oh don't worry you know Jiminie Oppa loves you right?"

He said jokingly while taking me into his embrace.

 

Flooding my face with kisses.

 

"J-Jiminie what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing, I'm showering you with my affection."

"But we're in public. "

"Stop!"

"W-Wait are you embarrassed by me?"

He said Letting out an overly dramatic gasp.

 

"Ahhh my heart it's hurt! I'm so sad!"

 

"Oh, come on. Let's just go, okay?"

 

"I-I see HyeJin-ah. You're trying to get rid of me, huh?"

 

His facial expression changed totally. It was no longer the playful one he wore before, but a serious one. I felt extremely small under his stare, unconsciously becoming nervous.

 

"Haha, Jiminie your so funny."

I said in an obviously nervous tone, accompanied by an awkward smile.

 

"If this is how you feel about me, then lets separate."

 

"S-Separate?"

I said under my breath.

My heart felt like it had just stopped beating.

 

"Are you serious?"

 

"Yes, Hyejin-ah."

"Maybe we aren't the right match for each other after all."

 

My vision blurry from the tears which threatened to fall at any moment.

 

"O-Okay if that's what you want."

I said almost whispering, choking on air.

 

I was about to depart from him as he had wished when I was suddenly pulled into a warm back hug.

"Where do you think you're going?"

 

"I'm leaving just like you wanted."

 

"I was just kidding Hyejinie."

He said while cupping my face.

 

At that moment I could no longer hold my tears.

I began aimlessly hitting his chest and crying.

 

"How could you say such a thing!"

"I really thought you were serious!"

 

"There, there sweetie."

"Oppa's not going to abandon you like that."

He said chuckling lightly at me.

 

I gave him a slightly disgusted glare before he hugged me.

 

"Hey, look at me."

He whispered while loosening the hug.

 

"I love you, I always will so don't ever doubt me, okay?"

I smiled widely at him before vigorously nodding my head.

"Ok, I forgive you but why do you keep calling yourself oppa?"

"Ahh... It's a habit I guess."

 

After that, he lightly pecked my lips and held my waist as we walked to the park.

We had just arrived at the center of the park where a beautifully decorated tree stood proudly.

 

"Woah.."

My eyes shone brightly at its beauty.

 

"You like it?"

 

"I love it!"

 

"H-"

His statement was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing.

 

He looked down at his phone then at me.

I smiled softly at him assuring him that it was okay for him to pick up the call.

 

He smiled back at me taking me by the hand to a nearby bench.

 

He sat down. Just as I was about to sit down beside him to give him some space to complete his call, he pulled me into his lap, wrapping his free arm around my waist tightly.

I looked at him wide-eyed.

 

"What are you uncomfortable?"

He asked worriedly.

 

"N-No, it's just-"

 

"Just what?"

"You would know if you just let me finish."

 

"Go ahead, dear."

 

I just rolled my eyes at him before admitting the reason for my wide-eyed reaction to his gesture.

 

"I've never sat in your lap before."

 

My hands automatically moved to my face after my sudden confession.

 

"Aigoo, why are you so cute today?"

"First you cry over me, now you're flustered from sitting on my lap. Tsk, tsk, tsk."

 

"Hey! Don't you have a phone call?"

I said lightly hitting his arm, still flustered from the lil' stunt he pulled earlier.

 

"Okay, Okay anything you say, babe."

He said while winking at me.

 

I was just-

 So done with his flirting, so I decided not to answer.

 

+

"Ahhh it's so cold."

I whined after closing the door to my apartment.

 

A few minutes passed, with me just sighing deeply and staring out my window at the pure untainted snow. How much it reminded me of him.

My Jimin.

I automatically smiled at the thought.

How he had made me smile and cry on our little expedition today.

My smile faded, however, when I recalled how Jimin began acting peculiar after his sudden phone call.

 

"I hope everything's all right."

I said feeling a bit anxious about seeing him tomorrow.

I had this strange feeling, as though wouldn't be the same again. We would deviate from each other.

I tried my best not to dwell on the feeling but it was difficult to do so.

 

+

It was about one in the evening when I awoke to the sound of my phone. 

I sat up a bit squinting my eyes a few times before it finally adjusted to the light.

I then grabbed my phone, reading the newly found text hurriedly.

 

•°•Text Messages•°•

 

Jiminie: I'm sorry jagiya but I can't go out with you today.

 

Hyejin: Huh, but why?😩

 

Jiminie: I have some business to take care of today. I'm sorry.😖

 

Hyejin: Oh, Okay then.

 

Jiminie:  I'm glad you understand Babe.

 

Hyejin: Yep, anytime.😊

 

Jiminie: Okay bye sweetie I'll call you later. 😘

 

Hyejin: Bye Jiminie😊.

 

°•°End of Messages°•°

 

A deeply disgruntled sigh escaped my lips as I fell back into bed snuggling into my pillow once more. I cuddled into Chimmy, my favourite stuffed animal.

Jimin had bought him for me on our first date and I cherished it wholeheartedly.

 

+

A month had passed since I last saw Jimin.

Every time I called or texted he was simply "busy".

Thoughts of apprehension linger in my mind on a regular basis.

I had almost grown weary of our relationship.

I needed to see him.

I needed to know that we were okay.

So I decided to visit him.

 

After standing at his door for what seemed like an eternity, I finally knocked.

 

At that moment it felt as if my heart was about to burst.

The suspension of the wait, slowly killing me.

I hung my head low contemplating whether or not I had made the right decision.

 

"O-Oh Hyejin-ah."

My head flung up in the instant I heard his voice.

 

"H-Hi"

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

"Huh? What do you mean, what are you doing here? I'm here to see you of course."

I said raising my voice a bit.

I just couldn't comprehend why he questioned my visit as if I was some random stranger at his door.

 

We stood there awkwardly staring at each other, for what seemed like forever.

 

Isn't he gonna invite me in?

I thought to myself.

 

"I-I have a visitor, but you can come in."

 

I looked at him weirdly.

Did he not want me here?

Was I invading his privacy?

I was hesitant to take his offer.

 

"It doesn't look like I'm welcome here so I'm gonna go."

I said while slightly bowing to him. Apologizing for my sudden intrusion.

 

I looked at him hoping her say something to stop me.

But of course, he didn't.

Acknowledging this I began walking briskly away from his house.

 

+

 

Later that same day I had a whole argument with myself.

 

"Why did you leave you fool?!"

"All this time you wanted nothing more than to see him!"

"But what do you do when you get that chance?"

"You get insecure and leave!"

 

I was if anyone else was around they'd think I was delirious.

 

+

 

A week has gone by since I made a complete fool of myself his door.

I had thought that after this I wouldn't have to see him for a while but I was wrong.

When I had awoken this morning checking my phone for messages, I was bewildered to see I had received a message from him.

 

"Eh!"

I said falling from my previous spot on my bed.

"A text from Jimin?"

"What sort of black magic is this?!"

"Is my phone broken or my eyes?"

I said while shaking the petite device wildly as well as my eyes.

 

After my nerves had calmed I read the message carefully and replied.

 

•°•Text Messages•°•

 

Jiminie: Hello is this Ms. HyeJin?

 

Hyejin: Yes, who is this?

 

Jiminie: This is Jimin's Mom. I would like to meet you today.

 

Hyejin: Okay. Where?

 

Jiminie: The Little Cafe.

 

Hyejin: Okay. I'm on my way.

 

            °•°End of Messages°•°

 

I wonder why she wants to meet me so suddenly.

 

+

 

I had just entered the cafe when the realization hit me, I didn't know what she looked like.

 

I mentally face palmed myself multiple times.

I was busy having world war three inside my head when a lady called out to me.

 

"Miss Hyejin?"

 

"Yes?"

I said looking at her. She looked so familiar.

 

"I'm Mrs.Park."

 

"Oh, no wonder you look a lot like Jimin."

I said thinking out loud.

 

She just smiled at my remark leading me to our table.

 

We had been talking for a while and I admit I enjoyed her company. 

Just when I thought she was a nice lady, she proved me wrong.

 

"Break up with my son."

 

The smile that once shone on my face now a confused frown.

 

"Excuse me."

 

"I said to break up with Jimin."

She said planting a challenging look on her face.

 

"Why?"

 

"He's a good boy who has a bright future and I don't think you're the right fit for him."

 

"Fit?"

What does she mean fit?

 

"Yes fit. Your just not his type, not his style."

 

I was absolutely flabbergasted at her behaviour.

 

" It doesn't matter we love each other."

 

"Love you say? So tell me why you haven't been with him in so long if he loves you as you say?"

She said raising her eyebrows at me.

 

"W-We're just having sins issues. He's busy so I just have to wait for him."

 

"Haha, you're so nieve."

 

"Tell me something do you know what he's so busy doing?"

 

"N-No."

 

"Well then let me tell you."

 

My palms began to sweat immediately.

 

My breathing was sharp and my heart began pounding with much speed.

I was terrified of what she would say, but I knew I needed to know.

 

"He has a fiancé."

 

"N-No that can't be true!"

 

"Well, unfortunately, it is."

 

My whole being became numb.

The summer I had once experienced in this winter was gone.

 

The once kaleidoscopic world slowly began to fade.

 

Only the sound of my heart shatter inside my chest was audible.

 

I unconsciously began rising from my seat, heading in the direction of the exit.

 

The gentle touch of the snow cooled my once burning heart.

 

It met with the surface of my hands which clutched my heart as I walked.

I watched as it melted intertwining with the tears I had shed as a result of now possessing the truth.

 

The satisfaction of the once foreign sensation upon my skin was enough to distract the sound of my dying soul.

Now unclothed, left out in the cold.

 

+

 

I was alone in the cold night.

Looking up at the beautiful tree, in the park where I spent my Christmas, my last happy day with Jimin.

 

I had gone full emo when I spot a familiar face.

"Taehyung?"

I said under my breath watching the figure closely.

 

"Huh, Omo Hyejin-ah!"

He said running to me.

 

"It is you Taehyung-ah."

I said slightly excited.

 

"How-"

He pulled me into a hug mid-sentence.

 

"I've missed you."

 

"Ahhh, Tae this is all sweet and all but I can't breathe."

 

"Oof sorry."

He said letting go and sitting beside me.

 

"So how are you?"

 

"I'm okay I guess, you?"

 

"I'm Gucci!"

 

"O...K."

 

He then started looking around as if he list something.

 

"What are looking for?"

 

"Not what who."

 

"Ok then who are you looking for?"

 

"Jimin, he's not here with you?"

 

"Ahhh no he's not."

 

"Oh, what a shame."

 

We talked for a while and i was quite grateful. It got my mind off everything.

 

"Hey listen Tae it's really late so I'm gonna go now."

 

"Boo your no fun!"

He said pouting cutely.

 

I just laughed and ruffled his hair slightly mimicking his expression.

"Next Time, ok?"

 

"I'll see you around Tae."

I said turning my back to him and waving.

 

"Let's go out tomorrow!"

He shouted from behind.

 

"K, Call me!"

 

+

 

I was getting ready for my meeting with Tae. I must admit I was a bit excited it had been a while since I saw him, plus the guy is fun to be around.

 

I was almost ready when I got a message.

From Jimin.

 

°•Text Messages•°•

 

Jiminie: Hi. Hyejin-ah, I'm sorry I haven't been able to spend time with you lately. But I would like to meet you today, it's urgent.

 

Hyejin: Okay, bit why so sudden. I thought you didn't want to be with anymore.

 

Jiminie: I'm sorry I made you feel that way. But this can't wait. It's something that needs urgent attention.

 

Hyejin: Like?

 

Jiminie: Pertaining to our relationship.

 

Hyejin: okay... I'll sew you there. Where exactly though?

 

Jiminie: Oh, at my house.

 

Hyejin: Will there be visitors this time?

 

Jiminie: No

 

Hyejin: Okay bye.

 

°•°End of Messages°•°

 

"Why did it have to be today?"

"And I was so happy too. Now my moods all Emo."

 

I sighed deeply before heading to his house.

 

Even before I knocked the door was open.

 

"Hi, Hyejin-ah."

 

"Why are you breathing so hard. Did you run to the door?"

 

"No, I didn't I'm just tired that's all."

 

I looked at him weirdly before accepting his excuse.

 

"Oh, you can come in."

 

"Okay."

He leads me to his room.

 

"You can sit here."

He said while patting the empty spot beside him.

 

A wave of awkward silence filled the room.

Jimin was staring at me but I was too lost in thoughts to notice.

 

A month and a couple weeks ago we were madly in love. What happened to us?

 

"Hyejin-ssi"

 

"Ssi?"

 

"I have something to yell you."

 

Here it comes. We're done for good.

 

"I-I-"

 

"You're getting married."

I said after cutting him off.

 

His wide-eyed expression said it all.

 

"You know?"

 

"Yes, I heard from your mother yesterday when she told me to leave you."

 

"..."

 

"Tell me something Jimin."

He hummed signaling me to continue.

 

"Is this what you want? Did you ever really love me?"

 

He looked at me speechlessly as I turned around to face him, awaiting his answer.

 

We gazed into each other's eyes deeply.

Jimin began to slowly lean closer. Our lips brushing against each other.

His hand made its way to my neck, pulling me closer by the waist.

As if immersed into water I melted at his touch.

The feeling of his soft lips against mine.

I wanted to enjoy this intimate moment with the man I loved however, my conscience wouldn't let me.

I gently pushed him away parting our lips.

 

I looked at him teary-eyed.

 

" Jimin I-I can't."

 

"Why can't you?!"

 

" Because its wrong! You belong to someone else."

 

I noticed how his eyes began to swell with tears at my words.

 

I was aware that I would only hurt him as well as myself but I had to.

 

For his sake.

 

"Jimin, please let's stop."

 

"N-No, what are you saying Hyejin-ah!"

 

"We're in different worlds now."

 

I began to loosen his grip on me.

 

His tears lacing his face.

He pleaded and cried after me, but I had already made up my mind.

 

Placing a small goodbye kiss on his forehead. Tears escaping my eyes.

He looked at me with pleading eyes. But I just said my goodbyes.

 

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Nam Hyejin | Regret

 

Before I let go of you, I didn't know that I could harbour such remorse.

 

Winter the season I live in now, will never a veil another you. The seeds of you will never sprout again, y our season will never return.

 

I've grown greedy.

I want to live with you, to experience life to its fullest in your loving company.

 

Tell you how warm you make me feel in this never-ending winter.

 

I would've stayed with you.

 

I should've stayed with you.

 

But that would've caused you to suffer.

I've always wanted to return to that December.

 

To that winter where I met you. To tell you all I felt for you before it was too late.