Lifeless.

That was the only word that came on Heechul’s mind whenever he saw Donghae. His friend was lifeless. He still remembered in what state he found the younger that day when Hyukjae finally introduced his boyfriend and announced they’re going to live together.

Heechul ran down the stairs, hoping the younger wasn’t too far away from his apartment; he knew that gaze. When he saw Donghae leaving, the younger looked at him, and there was nothing. Literally nothing in his eyes. As if he didn’t feel anything. But that was so weird; Donghae’s eyes always expressed every emotion very well. Yes, he mostly looked sad because of his ‘sad puppy eyes’, but you could tell if he’s happy or not only by looking into them. And that day there was nothing in his eyes. At all. And it didn’t mean anything good, so Heechul felt like he had to find him as soon as possible. He felt like he shouldn’t leave the younger alone.

When the man was on the street, he looked around, hoping to find Donghae anywhere, but couldn’t do it. Heechul looked around, hoping to see him; he went left, then right, but his friend was nowhere to be seen. The man cursed and was ready to go back to the apartment, but he heard someone shouting, “Watch where you’re going, moron!”

Heechul frowned and quickly went to the place where he heard the noise from, turning the corner. He was lucky enough to see Donghae. At least someone was lucky enough that day.

There was a man beside him – he kept collecting the papers that were now all across the asphalt and cursed under his breath, while the blonde was sitting in the puddle. It rained not so long ago, and there were puddles in some places. Under Donghae, for example.

Heechul shouldn’t be genius to figure out that the younger apparently didn’t see that man and hit him, so his papers fell, as well as Donghae. The stranger kept cursing, but Donghae didn’t react. He was sitting in that puddle looking at the ground till the moment that man left; Heechul let him do that in order to avoid the quarrel and then came closer to his friend, squatting right in front of him. No reaction.

“Hey,” he tried and put his palm on the younger’s shoulder. He flinched, then something like a sob escaped his throat. Why ‘something like a sob’? Because Donghae tried hard not to cry. Even his cheeks were dry already.

“Idiot,” he mumbled. “Such an idiot.”

A small smile appeared on Heechul’s face. A sad one.

“Yes, he is,” he said. “Hyukjae is the biggest idiot in the universe because he missed a man like you.”

“Not him. I am. The biggest idiot on Earth.”

“Well, you still need some time to become the biggest idiot in the universe. Should we go home?”

Joking was everything Heechul could offer that moment. He’d lie if he said that what happened was entirely Hyukjae’s fault. It wasn’t. He tried to make his friend to confess for so many times, yet for some reasons Donghae didn’t do that. He was scared. Both of them were. Both of them were at fault of what was happening with them.

But he couldn’t blame them as well. It happens. It happens and, as a good friend he is, he had to help them to overcome it. He knew it won’t be easy to do, especially for Donghae. That’s why Heechul helped him to get up and, supporting his weight with his right shoulder, helped the blonde to get to his apartment. They lived not too far away from each other, which was convenient. Inconvenient was the fact that he literally abandoned his own birthday party and had to call Hyukjae and ask to tell everyone that he apologizes, but the party came to its end.

“Of course,” his friend said the moment he heard all the instructions. A short pause. A deep sigh. “How’s he?”

Heechul looked at Donghae who was sitting in the kitchen with a mug of warm tea in his palms and kept chewing on his bottom lip. He had one habit – whenever he felt bad, but didn’t really want to show it because people were around or there was any other reason, he started chewing on his bottom lip. Till it started bleeding. Till it started hurting as hell. Even now there was a small trace of blood streaming down his chin, but Donghae didn’t notice. He kept staring at the mug, as if that was some kind of an entertainment.

“Yellow,” Heechul said, and Hyukjae sighed.

There was another thing they shared. Sometimes it was quite beneficial to have more than one friend, since it was impossible for someone to be there for everyone 24/7. Sometimes Heechul needed help, but only Hyukjae was able to come, sometimes Donghae needed one, but Heechul couldn’t make it. That’s how they came up with the thought they could describe other’s state with colors.

Green. Means ‘nothing major, no need to come’.

Yellow. Means ‘worse than I expected it to be, but not too bad; may need your help as well’.

Red. Means ‘urgent, come here as soon as possible’.

Donghae’s state wasn’t that bad for him to say ‘Red’, but it was much worse than ‘Green’.

“However, I shouldn’t come, I think,” Hyukjae said, as if reading Heechul’s mind.

Taking out a package of plasters and antiseptic, the man looked at his younger friend once again. The blonde was sitting in the same pose looking at the tea in his mug.

“You better don’t,” Heechul said. “Not now.”

Hyukjae understood. He understood better than anyone that he was apparently the person Donghae wanted to see the less. And it hurt. Not seeing him for so long hurt. Not being able to hug and comfort him hurt. Not being able to stop thinking about him hurt. It hurt a lot.

The weeks passed. There was one thing Donghae hated the most. He hated to be considered weak. He hated when people started pitying him. That’s why he tried to prove everyone he’s doing just fine. He didn’t need people to pity him, so he smiled as often as he could. He was called smiley for a reason. If he needed, he was able to smile. If he needed, he was able to hang out with others. If he needed, he was able to pretend that nothing happened.

There was just one thing he wasn’t able to do.

He wasn’t able to talk to Hyukjae.

The latter kept calling and texting him. Even though he never admitted it, Heechul asked Donghae some questions only because Hyukjae wanted to know answers to them. The blonde wasn’t mad at him. He wasn’t. He wasn’t even mad at Ryeowook for appearing in the picture, wasn’t mad at Heechul who tried to help them to make up. The only person he was mad at was he himself. However, he couldn’t talk to Hyukjae. He wanted to. But he couldn’t.

Donghae knew they’ll need to talk sooner or later. He knew, but could do nothing about it. He also knew that they needed to talk about it. But, once again, he couldn’t.

Hyukjae was desperate. It was so unusual for him to not have his best friend around; they were practically glued to each other before, but now, when Donghae was not around, it felt like a part of him was missed. The most important part. He couldn’t think about anything, but about him. It was unfair. Unfair to Ryeowook. He knew he kept hurting that guy who wasn’t at fault. He wasn’t at fault both of them were too stupid to confess earlier. He wasn’t at fault they were messing up their lives.

Hyukjae couldn’t continue messing up Ryeowook’s life as well. He had to end everything. He made his life a mess. He made Donghae’s life a mess. Donghae made their lives a mess too. He couldn’t let Ryeowook to live like that too.

***

He had to find Donghae. He really had to.

Hyukjae felt so out of place because he couldn’t talk to his friend. His best friend. A person he used to talk to every day. He had to talk because he missed him and because… he wanted to know Donghae was okay. Well, he obviously wasn’t, but… Hyukjae just wanted to see him. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to talk.

But it seemed like his friend wasn’t up to it.

No matter how hard he tried to contact him, Donghae never answered. Hyukjae could even imagine how the blonde was sitting in front of his phone looking at its screen while forcing himself to not answer. He knew it too well. Yet he couldn’t let him be alone without talking about what happened.

Donghae was smart enough to expect Hyukjae to show up near his house or near his work, so he did everything to make it impossible for the latter to meet him. But, as it was said before, Hyukjae just… knew him to well. And he knew what Donghae was doing while hiding.

The man went to the nearest playground and was surprised to not find the blonde there. However, it took him less than twenty minutes to spot the guy at another playground sitting on a swing with an ice-cream in his hands. The guy was looking at his feet, being completely oblivious to what was happening around him. Hyukjae smiled. Donghae’s love to children was no joke, it wasn’t rare for him to find his comfort on a playground. That happened even now.

Hyukjae took a deep breath and moved towards the guy. It was funny how he didn’t notice the man until he was two steps away from him.

“I knew I’ll find you some day,” the blonde heard way too familiar voice behind him, and his eyes wide opened.

He looked at the guy standing right in front of him, and couldn’t help it, but felt sad and happy at the same time. He was sad because he wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. But he was happy because he missed Hyukjae. So much.

“Hello,” he still smiled at him as if nothing happened, even though both knew everyone’s aware that it wasn’t true. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah,” Hyukjae said. “Really. How are you?”

Judging by the way Donghae’s smile changed, it was really stupid question to ask, but he just had to. But he never got an answer.

“I hope you’re alright?” the blonde asked instead. “Didn’t mean to create a drama and make you worried, but I just… I’m sorry. I had to.”

Their conversation was beyond awkward. It made both of them even more sad because they never had such problems before.

“I understand,” Hyukjae said. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

Donghae shook his head.

“I told you I’m not mad at you. We’re fine, Hyukjae, I just… I asked you to give me some time, remember?”

“I do. I just wanted to make sure you don’t hate me.”

“You know I won’t be able to hate you even if you will hate me,” Donghae smiled. Hyukjae felt bad. He immediately remembered their last conversation when he said his feelings never were as strong as Donghae’s. He shouldn’t