" I want Jennie for my next birthday "

Ha, I can't believe i said that. I wished I never said that . Not that I'm mad at her or something, she didn't even done something wrong because loving someone would never be wrong. Not at all.

If I were to describe what I am feeling right now. I don't really know. It is kind of heavy , it feels like there is something heavy in my chest I don't know what it is but it hurts. My heart beats slower than usual if that is even possible. All I wanna do is to lay down and look at the ceiling for who knows how long i can look at it. I don't wanna go out of this room, I don't want to see her. I dont want to hear her 'oh so' sweet voice that can slowly kill me everytime i hear his name in her stories. I don't want to remember the day that you said you have fallen in love with someone who i hoped was me, someone who is not me and would never be me because i am Jisoo and i am only your friend...oh! I forgot her 'best' friend. 

You can't blame me for being delusional. For thinking that maybe, and i hoped that she feels the same way too. That her smiles , hugs and kisses were only for me. That maybe , we're somewhat special. She always make me feel so special, every.single.time. but then makes me feel like I'm not the only special one. Still that doesn't stop me for falling for her. I wished i didn't, i wished i could change my feelings for her and direct it to someone else. 

I guess my day dreaming ends here. I should stop this nonsense its only hurting me. It hurts a damn lot. 

I'm not happy..

I'm not ok ...

But i need to be ok, atleast infront of her. 

I need to return on playing with my phone and nintendo even if she already stopped me long time ago. Maybe that would help me to forget because video games is life right? I put my headphones on , as i sat on the sofa i started to play every single game in my phone not minding my surroundings. 

Lisa and Chaeyoung were both busy streaming the netflix , they didn't mind me and i am thankful for that, also the thing that Jennie's busy over someting helped a lot. I just need to get through this night and after that it would be ok to feel like a trash again. Its like a cycle that I need to master until the day that i came to forget about all of this