Reflection

Jilix (Jisung & Felix)

~

He giggled as he looked into the mirror, placing his hand on the cold reflecting surface. The boy on the other side did the same thing. Even though he could not feel his hand he knew he was there. Staring right back at him.

He giggled again as the boy smiled. He was a little taller than him, but didn't look a day older.

"I know you can hear me" he mumbled.

The boy nodded, smile lighting up the entire surface of the mirror.

"My name is Jisung, Han Jisung." The boy nodded again, as if he'd already known.

"Jisung, is that you" he heard his mum ask "who are you talking to sweetie?"

"Oh, just the boy in the mirror"

"The boy in the mirror?" his mother asked, eyeing him strangely, a look of horror slowly slipping onto her face.

"Yeah can you not see him? He's right there"

"There is no one there honey, just your reflection"

"No I swear he's there, look closely" he pointed at the mirror, his tiny five year old fingers hitting the surface directly where the boy stood.

The boy who now had a sad look on his face.

"Hey, why are you sad, don't be sad" he whispered, touching the surface where his face was. This made him look even more sad. The boy seemed to understand it was impossible for Jisung to touch him.

"Sweetie step away from the mirror" his mother urged, her voice starting to sound scared.

"Why"

His mother janked him away from the mirror and called for his dad. When he arrived upstairs they had a hushed conversation. His little ears caught things like 'crazy' and 'therapy' but at that time he couldn't understand.

~

He understood now, twelve years later.

The mirror had been thrown away and he had been sent to therapy. But his parents just didn't seem to get it. The boy was in every mirror he looked at. He was still, even now, in every mirror he looked at. At first he hadn't minded, but at some point he started to believe that he was going crazy.

He had told some people about it over the years but as he got older he had learned to keep quiet. No one else he talked to saw anything but their reflection in a mirror. No other people, let alone people they didn't even know.

It wasn't normal.

But the boy had always been there.

When they were seven he had written something on his side of the mirror. The mirror had been fogged from his hot shower as the letters slowly appeared on the surface. Felix, they said. So ever since then he had called the boy Felix. And he seemed to like it.

When he was ten he had tried learning sign language and teaching it to Felix. It hadn't really worked out, and even if it had he realised Felix was probably not a big talker. But he was a good listener.

So he settled on just talking. He would spent hours sitting in front of the mirror, talking to Felix, playing little games with their hands. He always listened to him attentively, and, he was always there when he needed to talk.

And that seemed to be touchy subject.

Whenever he would ask about him being on the other side of the mirror, or how he got there, Felix's eyes would turn sad and he wouldn't even try to respond at all.

Maybe he didn't know.

Or maybe he was really just going crazy.

But Felix had been there for as long as he could remember.

So he settled on not talking about it anymore. Not at all. He talked about his day, told him little jokes, and when Felix smiled he smiled. He completely adored Felix's smile.

He talked about how it wasn't easy coming out to his parents. He had no idea how Felix felt about it, but he seemed to be fine with it. He talked about his friends and he talked about school.

Felix rarely ever tried to say anything back.

And it had been like that for as long as he could remember.

And of course, like any other person, he got curious.

There were times he had dared to ask him things, but lately he was getting more and more bold. He tried asking him about anything and everything.

And at first Felix took it, he brushed it off with a smile and motioned for him to talk about himself. But the longer he went on, the more annoyed Felix seemed to get.

But he was also annoyed.

Felix knew everything there was to possibly know about him, every little detail. He was the first person he had told he was gay, the first to know what college he was planning on going to, the first person he would talk to when he was sad.

And he understood that Felix couldn't say anything back, but he had tried to give him ways he could. He just didn't seem to want to take them.

Maybe it was just how things worked.

It wasn't like he could ask anyone about it.

~

He huffed as he sank down onto the worn carpet of his bedroom floor, right in front of the big mirror covering his closet door. Felix was there, like he always was. He gave him a weak smile.

Felix looked at him questioningly, as if to ask him if something was wrong. He had learned to read Felix's expressions over the years, as it was the only way really for them to communicate in the slightest.

He shook his head a little. No, nothing was up, he was alright.

"I'm turning eighteen in two days" he said softly. Whenever he'd talk to Felix he would have to be careful, speak quietly, make sure no one was watching. He had got some weird stares over the years. And his parents were still on his back about it, like they had been ever since he was young.

Felix nodded. Of course he knew.

For some reason he felt like crying. Crying so hard he had no tears left.

Felix rose an eyebrow at him.

"I don't know either" he sighed "I'm just tired I guess"

Felix nodded, a sad smile covering his face. Then suddenly he looked at him weirdly.

Eighteen? he signalled with his hands. He was a little shocked as Felix actually 'asked' him a question.

"Yeah, eighteen. You knew"

Felix shook his head furiously, suddenly looking scared, as if he realised something.

"Yes you did"

Felix kept moving his hands, for the first time in eighteen years trying to make something clear to him. For the first time actually trying to talk to him.

It scared him a little, seeing how urgent it seemed to be.

"What, what is it? Felix you need to slow down for me to understand" he urged, but Felix kept going. He was moving his hands up and down, left and right.

"Felix, stop"

Felix's hands froze in mid air.

"What is it, can you write it down or something" he said calmly. Felix buried his hands in his hair, shaking his head feverishly.

A tear slipped from his eye.

It frightened him seeing Felix so distressed. He himself had broken down in front of him multiple times but he had never seen Felix like this.

"Hey, are you okay" he placed a hand on the mirror softly. It was one of those times he wished he could smash it and step right through to hug Felix. One of the many many times. He had always been affectionate, and not being able to touch Felix killed him. And he knew Felix felt the same way.

Felix limply placed his hand against the surface as well. Sometimes he thought he could almost feel it, like the ghost of a presence wavering over his hand. But he knew that wasn't true.

It wasn't possible

None of it was possible.

Felix wiped another tear with his other hand and nodded.

"It's alright, whatever it is" he said softly. Felix shook his head, it was clearly something he couldn't understand. He dropped his hand as Felix looked up at him. Tears threatening to fall, hair messed up, a sad almost desperate look on his face.

"Please, try to talk to me" he pleaded. Felix just looked at him, trying to let his eyes speak for him. He saw the realisation, he saw the sadness, but that was all he could see.

He sighed.

All they did was stare.

All they did was look.

It was all they could do.

"I'm sorry"

He got up from his spot and looked at his own reflection. Sometimes when he thought about it, it was still weird, seeing his reflection next to Felix's. It was so natural for him to see two people in a mirror.

It wasn't normal.

That little sentence kept ringing in his head.

Maybe he really was just crazy.

"I'm sorry" he repeated as he turned away.

~

They celebrated his birthday at night. His mother baked him a cake and his aunt gave him the same pair of socks she gave him every year. It was nothing out of the ordinary.

His friends stopped by for a while, and they had fun.

He was still trying to get what happened out of his mind and his friends turned out to be good distraction. Loud and obnoxious like they always were there was never a quiet moment.

They left late at night, piling out of his front door after he hadn't been able to convince his parents to let them stay over. He returned Chan's little wave as they walked back home together. He sighed a little, fatigue washing over him.

Well, that was it, he was eighteen now.

He turned around and headed back into the house. He told his parents goodnight and made his way upstairs.

He slipped into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

He examined his reflection in the mirror. He looked tired, but who could blame him.

He looked down to grab his toothbrush.

And that's when he realised.

His head snapped back up as he stared, wide eyed, at his own image. The same hair, the same nose, the same eyes. But something was missing.

Felix

He yelped and stepped away from the mirror, burying his hands in his hair.

This wasn't possible, Felix was always there.

Always

He heard footsteps come up the stairs and seconds later his mother rushed in.

"What happened, are you okay, we heard a yell" she asked concerned, checking his body.

He tried to regain himself, collect his thoughts.

"Yeah" he breathed "I'm fine, just dropped my toothbrush on my foot" he tried to smile but failed miserably.

"Are you sure, you look like you saw a ghost" his mom said with a chuckle.

It was more of what he didn't see

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright, really. Go back downstairs" he ushered, pushing her towards the door.

"Alright then, don't make it too late"

"No mom" he said as she slipped out the door.

He turned back to the mirror having to hold back every nerve in his body to keep from smashing it into tiny pieces. He threw his toothbrush in the sink and slipped out.

He entered his room and immediately slammed his closet door shut. He had no intention of staring at the full length mirror which now seemed daunting instead of inviting.

He sunk down onto his bed and stared at the wall blankly.

He was gone.

~

He hadn't left his bed for a while now. He had been able to convince his mom that he was not feeling well but she wasn't really buying it anymore. He sighed and rolled over. His blinds were closed, wrapping the room in a familiar darkness, and to be honest, he had no clue what time of day it was.

Suddenly he heard something buzz. He shot up and frantically felt around the bed for his phone, which was supposed to be somewhere in bed with him. He threw his blanket to the side but it was still nowhere to be seen.

He finally found it wedged between his bed and the mattress, probably because he had put it there so that he didn't lose it in the heap of blankets.

He dropped on his back and pulled the blanket over his head again, picking up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh hey Jisung, what's up, how are you"

It was Chan.

"I'm alright" he lied.

"Hmm, I haven't seen you in a few days"

"Why did you call me again?"

"Oh right, so I'm going to pick up this friend from Australia from the airport and I wanted to ask if you wanted to come with me"

"No" he deadpanned, snuggling deeper into his blankets.

"Jisung, you've got to get out of the house" Chan urged seriously.

"Did my mom text you" he asked blankly.

"Yes, but she's not wrong. Whatever is going on that you're not telling me about, it's time you snap out of it"

"Just take someone else" he argued as he rolled over.

"Jisung I'll be there in ten minutes and you better be ready" Chan said.

"Ten minutes, Chan what-"

He stared at his phone. He just hung up on him. He groaned and got comfortable again. He really did not feel like getting out of bed.

Ten minutes

"Alright alright fine" he said to himself as he dragged his body out of bed and into the bathroom. Avoiding all reflective surfaces he jumped into the shower. He didn't need that constant reminder.

He tried the best he could to get ready in ten minutes. When he was finally done he dared to throw a look at his reflection. He looked tired, which made sense, a little dishevelled still, but most of all, he looked lonely. The urge to shatter the mirror only grew.

He remembered Felix feverishly trying to make something clear to him, trying to tell him this. He turned away from the mirror and slipped out of his room.

When he got to the top of the stairs he heard hushed voices. Apparently Chan was already there. He heard his name drop a couple of times so he made his way down the stairs as loudly as he could.

"Good morning honey" his mom said, a smile quickly replacing her worried expression.

"Are you ready" Chan asked.

"Yeah, let me just get my shoes"

Another ten minutes later they were driving/going full speed down/ on the highway. He was looking out the window, trying to avoid catching his reflection in the mirror. Without realising it he was spacing out.

Suddenly Chan slammed the brakes.

He almost smashed his head into the dashboard if it wasn't for his belt. He glared at Chan as he chuckled.

"Snap out of it"

"You could've just told me that" he snapped as he rubbed his chest where the belt had been. He sat back into his chair.

"So this friend of yours, why is he coming to Korea" he asked, trying to keep the conversation going. Normally he would've not been able to stop asking questions about Chan's friend but he just wasn't in the mood.

"He's coming over to study, his parents signed him up for an international school here" Chan explained.

"Does he even speak Korean?"

"Not really" Chan answered with another chuckle "but he's a great guy, trust me" he reassured. He only nodded.

"How old is he"

"He turned eighteen the day after you did"

Being reminded of his birthday stung but he shook it off.

If he tried hard enough it was like it never even happened.

He stayed quiet for the remainder of the ride.

~

He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he scanned some of the duty free stores they passed. He wrinkled his nose as a woman brushed passed him harshly. The airport was crowded.

"Jisung, it's this way" Chan yelled at him. He tore his gaze away from the overpriced souvenirs and followed Chan towards the gate.

He was minding his own business, only half listening to what Chan was saying. There were more people waiting in front of the arrival gate but he got bored watching them after a while. He stared at his shoes as he kicked around a little, hands still buried in his pockets.

"Ah there he is"

He looked up but couldn't immediately see who Chan was talking about. He shrugged and looked back at his shoes.

"Hello" a deep voice said, his voice wavering, uncertain with the new language. He finally looked up.

His eyes landed on a boy slightly taller than him. He looked young even though Chan said they were the same age. His hair was a different colour too. He froze.

"Felix" he uttered in shock. He smiled brightly.

"That's me" he said cheefully as he stuck his hand out "Chan must have told you about me"

"Yeah, he did" he breathed. He realised Felix's hand was still directed towards him as the boy eyed him him curiously. He moved quickly, hesitantly shaking Felix's hand. It was real.

He was real

"But I don't recall telling you his name" Chan said, scratching his nape in confusion.

"Oh no you did, you must have forgotten" he said quickly. He realised Chan hadn't actually told him the boy's name. But Felix chuckled slightly.

"Still as forgetful I see"

Chan shook his head and smiled.

"Come on, let's get you to the car" he turned around and started walking away. He threw another quick look at Felix before following him.

"So how do you and Chan know each other" he asked casually. Felix looked at him strangely not answering his question.

"Right" he muttered "English?"

Felix smiled at him brightly and nodded. They continued talking, him trying to make his way with his broken English, not that he didn't know how to speak it, it had just been a while. Felix was smiling the entire time, he was easy to talk to.

When they arrived at Chan's car he hesitated. He didn't know if Felix wanted to sit next to Chan or if he wanted to sit in the back and sleep.

"Uh, you can sit in front if you want" he said. Felix shook his head.

"No it's okay, I'll sleep in the back" Felix said.

"Just both get in the damn car" Chan said as he pushed the both of them in the backseat. He shuffled across the seat and got comfortable.

Soon they were back on the highway.

He noticed Felix shuffling around in his seat, trying to get comfortable enough to sleep.

"You can lie down it you want to" he patted his leg, silently praying Felix wouldn't take it the wrong way.

"Really, thanks" he lay down, quickly getting comfortable on his lap. His breath hitched a little as Felix closed his eyes and he could only hope Felix hadn't noticed.

His eyes travelled across his face, over the bridge of his nose and passed the freckles scattered across his tanned cheeks. Lingering on his slightly parted lips and a single strand of blonde hair that fell onto his forehead.

He looked up to meet Chan's eyes in the rearview mirror. Chan lifted his eyebrows suggestively before focussing his eyes back on the road. He chuckled as he stared at his reflection. The space next to him was still empty.

His gaze shifted back to Felix sleeping in his lap. The real Felix. He sighed contently as he moved his hand to play with a strand of Felix's dyed hair.

This time he wasn't letting go.