Imagine you’re eating food and everything just tastes like mashed potatoes. Not good, flavorful mashed potatoes, just plain, boring mashed potatoes. You do everything you can to make it not taste like mashed potatoes, but nothing works.

   Now imagine explaining this problem to someone else. They will ask you things like “Have you tried eating your favorite foods?” or “Have to tried seasoning the food to give it more flavor?” You then have to say that you did those things and they didn’t work.

   The final question they ask...

   “Can’t you just try and like the taste?”

   This is what it is like to have depression.

   This is what it is like for Chae Hyungwon.

   Hyungwon has been depressed for as long as he could remember. He wasn’t sure why or when it started, he just remembered being a happy little boy one day and not even having the motivation to get out of bed the next.

   His family life might be to blame. His mother died when he was young and since then his life was a pile of . His father got remarried shortly after to some 20-something year old gold digger. She was a little TOO friendly with Hyungwon. Hyungwon didn’t like it and kept telling her “no” but she wasn’t having it. She would force herself on him, touching him in inappropriate places and biting his neck, leaving bruises. She would always demand kisses before school and bed, and she would make it so they kiss on the mouth.

   Hyungwon was 10.

   He felt disgusted with himself. He told his father the situation but he didn’t believe him. His father kept saying his wife was just being friendly.

   Six months later the wife left and Hyungwon’s father was furious. He blamed Hyungwon for his wife leaving. 

   Then he started drinking.

   It was the worst when he started drinking. Hyungwon started getting beat everyday for whatever excuse his father could come up with. Whether it be he was five minutes late coming home from school or he left a single drop of water on the counter. Sometimes it would be so bad that Hyungwon couldn’t move for a whole day due to the pain.

   When Hyungwon was 15, he came home from school one day to find that his father had drunk himself to death.

   He was sent to a foster home where he met Minhyuk, his best friend. Minhyuk was very wild and outgoing, so Hyungwon’s shy quietness was a breath of fresh air to his foster parents.

   Despite being with a new family that loved him, Hyungwon couldn’t help falling into a deeper depression. He blamed himself for his father’s death. He believed that if he had just consented to his stepmother’s wishes all those years ago that his father wouldn’t be dead.

   That was when Hyungwon decided to harm himself. 

   At first, it was only on the weekends, when his foster parents were at work and Minhyuk was out with some guy. He would go into the bathroom and find a razor. He dragged the steel blade across his skin, not even wincing at the pain, and watch little crimson droplets form on his skin.

   After a couple of weeks it became a daily occurrence. Everyday before and after school he would cut. Pretty soon his forearms and thighs were littered in thin scars.

   Hyungwon was 17 when he first attempted suicide.

   It was when everyone was out. He was hoping to be dead before anyone got back. He took a plastic shopping bag from under the sink and went into his bedroom. He closed the door and left the lights off and curtains closed, leaving himself in darkness. He slipped the bag onto his head, trying to suffocate himself, for he believed he deserved a slow death.

   He didn’t know how long he was sitting there. He could start to feel his lungs burn as breathing got harder. The room as still dark and silent, the only sound being the slight crinkle of the bag as Hyungwon still attempted to breathe.

   A short time later, he heard the front door open. It sounded very distant, like he was underwater. He could feel himself losing consciousness and still hoped he would be dead before someone came into his room.

   No such luck.

   Hyungwon saw the lights turn on right before hearing a scared gasp that obviously belongs to Minhyuk.

   “Hyungwon!” 

   His name was the last thing he heard before blacking out.

   Hyungwon woke up hours later in a hospital. His head hurt from the bright light as he tried to take in his surroundings. Everything was just...white. For a second he thought he really did die until he saw Minhyuk in a chair next to the bed, asleep.

   Hyungwon tried to call his friend’s name only to find he has on an oxygen mask. He throat was also super sore. Luckily, a few minutes later, a nurse walked in...

    Along with his foster parents.

   They had both broken down in tears when they saw their foster child alive. Minhyuk had woken up and started crying as well.

   The nurse had left after checking his vitals and removing his oxygen mask. Hyungwon as sipping water through a straw as his family cried about how scared they were. He had also learned that if he had died, his foster parents would have been sent to jail for neglect and secondhand murder.

   That was when Hyungwon started to cry. He didn’t know that someone else would get in trouble for him taking his own life. Not only that, but if they were sent to jail and he was dead, Minhyuk would have been alone. He didn’t want to do that to his friend.

   That’s why he went with him when he moved out for college.

   Minhyuk opted for an apartment close to the college instead of a traditional college dorm. Hyungwon didn’t want to go to college as he was still very deeply depressed and nothing interested him enough to have him pay to take a class in.

   Hyungwon spent most of his days sleeping. Add anxiety induced insomnia and no motivation to do anything and you get a human equivalent of a house cat. He often forgot to eat as he was either completely unmotivated to get up and get food or he actually had no appetite that day. Hyungwon wanted nothing more than to lay in bed all day and completely avoid any human contact.

   Minhyuk has other plans.

   He was invited to a college party and was told he could bring a friend. Minhyuk was determined to bring his best friend to that party even if it killed him.

   Minhyuk marched into Hyungwon’s bedroom, opening all the curtains, spilling light into the always dark room.

   Hyungwon groaned from under his mountain of pillows and blankets.

   “What do you want?” Hyungwon grumbled.

   “For you to get your skinny out of bed so you can come to a party with me,” the pink haired man answered bluntly.

   Hyungwon groaned loudly.

   “I’m not taking no for an answer,” Minhyuk explained. “Now get up and get dressed. The party is in an hour.”

   Hyungwon groaned once again when Minhyuk left his room. He wasn’t nearly as social as his friend and everyone was aware of that. Hyungwon has never been invited to a party and never wanted to be. Parties just seemed so unappealing, all those people dancing drunkly to music that was too loud. He could also bet anyone $100 that Minhyuk was going to hook up with someone at that party.

   He really didn’t want to go.

   But, he knew Minhyuk wasn’t going to leave him alone unless he went. Hyungwon rolled himself out of bed to dig through his closet for something decent. His wardrobe mainly consisted of sweatpants and t-shirts that were one or two sizes too big, often wearing the same outfit multiple days in a row. 

   He settled on some distressed black skinny jeans and a pink v-neck shirt. He tugged on some black converse and went into the living room to show Minhyuk.

   “How is this?” Hyungwon held out his arms to show his friend.

   Minhyuk looked him over. He frowned slightly at the thin faded scars that littered his friend’s arms. But, it was nothing a cute jacket wouldn’t fix.

   A few hours later, Hyungwon sighed as he watched a drunk Minhyuk grind against some guy, both of them ily flirting.

   Disappointed but not surprised.

   When Hyungwon left for the bathroom and returned, he couldn’t find his friend anywhere. His heart began to race. He only came to this party because Minhyuk said he would stay with him. So then Hyungwon was there, all alone in a crowd of two hundred people, wondering where the heck his of a friend went.

   He asked around to see if anyone saw him. They either didn’t know Minhyuk or were too drunk to pay attention.

   His heart was racing. His breathing became shaky and uneven and his legs began to feel like jelly. He sat down in a corner of the room trying to get his breathing under control. When he found that he couldn’t, it just made him worry more. He was scared. He has never felt this kind of fear before. He needed Minhyuk. Scratch that, he needed anyone to come and comfort him.

   Hyungwon was having a panic attack.

————————————————————————

   Hello~ Authornim here!

   This is my second story on AFF. My other one is a RaKen MPreg titled “Tattoos and Photographs” which will get a second chapter after New Year’s. I know you probably think that it’s weird that I’m going to work on two stories at once but I’m actually going to work on eight at once. This is because I have many ideas and way too much free time. I am essentially writing fanfics I wish I could read. I promise I will update and write all of my stories as often as I can. 

   Also, I want you guys to vote on which story you want next.

1. TaeKook MPreg Omegaverse. Historical. Omega Taehyung. Alpha Jungkook.

2. TaeKook Omegaverse. Cross dressing. Omega Taehyung. Alpha Jungkook.

3. NoRenMin MPreg. Fluffy.

4. GOT7 MPreg. MarkSon. YugBam. Eventual JJProject. Fluffy and a teeny bit angsty.

5. ChangLixJin MPreg. Fluffy.

6. GTop MPreg. Angst and then fluff.

   Comment which you want to see next!