Stuck on You this Christmas (no excuses needed)

December 2009

Seulgi drags her sneakers along the darkened hallways as she makes her way to the training room. Her shoes make little noise against the gunmetal grey floors. Her right hand is stuffed into her black sweater, cracking her knuckles absently.

It’s nearly Christmas, and everyone’s gone home for the holidays. She’s been here most of the day and even that lone instructor that hasn’t gone home – she stays in Busan and wasn’t exactly on excellent terms with the family, what with becoming a dance instructor instead of going to the SKY universities – would have knocked off by now. Seulgi’s left hand fingers the fleecy material of her sweater. How long is she going to stay here?

Maybe she could go home still. If her brother gets better before their break ends, she could go home. For now, her mom has forbidden her from going home. Because what if she fell sick during the training and schooling period? That won’t do!

Then, as Seulgi draws by a darkened practice room, she stops. Hears the thump of bass. She peers in through the glass and sees Bae Joohyun.

Oh.   

Both her hands clench into a fist before they loosen, letting out a loud crack.

Ah, well.

She’ll just go in.

It’s not as if Joohyun owns the place, right?

It’s not as if Seulgi’s the least bit intimidated by her, right?

“Aren’t you going to go home, Joohyun-ssi?” Seulgi asks as she peaks into the room.

Joohyun in a panting breath, wiping sweat off her brow. “Nope.”

“Why not?”

Joohyun dark eyes are impenetrable. “I need to practise more.”

“Alright. I can practise with you.” She pushes the door open and lets herself into the eggshell white room. “Do you want to review the choreography together? Or go through the steps again?”

Joohyun bites her lip, her head lowered slightly.

Seulgi can’t tell if she’s simply thinking, or oh, is she shy? Seulgi doesn’t dare think it. It’s utterly incongruous, since Seulgi’s meant to be the shy one – Joohyun is so much prettier than she is! But maybe it’s because Joohyun’s still conscious about her accent? Well, she’s not even been in Seoul for a year…

“Can we practise the moves to BoA-sunbaenim’s Bad Drive?”

Seulgi blinks. Bad Drive isn’t exactly easy. But, “Sure,” if that’s what Joohyun wants.

*

“I think you’ve mostly got it!”

Joohyun huffs her cheeks and releases a puff of air, pouting as she turns to Seulgi. “It looks… off still.”

Seulgi shrugs. “We’ve been at this for hours, Joohyun-ssi. You’ve gotten a lot better already!”

“But…”

“But what? We should go back now.”

“But I need to do more.”

Seulgi her head to the side. (She doesn’t yet know that Joohyun cries at night because she’s absolutely terrified that she’s too old, that she started too late, and what if I threw college aside for nothing. She doesn’t yet know that she’ll find Joohyun crying in the toilets and she’ll be the one who’ll comfort her. She doesn’t yet know that Joohyun will be the one who follows her up to the rooftop, that Joohyun will be the one who holds her as she despairs).

But for now, she simply says, “Come on, we’ll be as good as BoA-sunbaenim one day. Let’s go back, Joohyun-ssi?”

Joohyun doesn’t reply. For a moment, they only stare at their reflections in the mirror.

In the brightly lit room, their pale faces perpetually bear a look of fear and hope. Today is no different. Their future is terribly uncertain, and they are so small and slight in the vast cavernous room. Today, they aren’t anyone. They aren’t anything. Not yet, they hope. Tomorrow means everything to them. But they can’t hope to understand what tomorrow will bring to them. Today, however, this is what they know, what they grasp in their hands. Today, they can push themselves. Tomorrow is both a friend and an enemy. Tomorrow they will become something, but what does it entail?

Then, she turns to Seulgi, and lets herself smile as she says, “Sure. And for now, why don’t you call me unnie instead?”

“Joohyun-ssi?”

“Please?”

Seulgi tries it, experimentally, “Joohyun-unnie?”

Joohyun’s smile stretches. “That’s better.”

*****

December 2010

“Seul? Seulgi!” Joohyun exclaims as her sock-clad feet slide around the corner. “Let’s go!” She skids to a stop. “Seulgi? Is everything alright?”

From the bottom bunk, Seulgi sniffles. “I…” With one syllable, Joohyun detects the thickened choke of mucus, the harshly inflamed pharynx.

“You’re sick.” Joohyun finishes. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I… I had hoped I’d get better by now.” Seulgi scrunches her nose for a moment then struggles to push herself off the bed. “Let’s go.”

“Nope. You’re staying in bed. And that’s final.”

Seulgi huffs. “It’s boring… but oh no, unnie, I’ll be okay!”

Joohyun rolls her eyes. “Come on. I’ll make you something to eat. I bet you haven’t eaten anything since I last saw you, right?” At an unwilling admission of a stomach’s grumble, Joohyun sighs and pushes Seulgi back into her bed. “Just rest. We can go out another time.”

“But… I feel bad. You wanted to see all the pretty Christmas lights.” Seulgi’s lips push themselves into a pout. “You should just go without me.”

“Nonsense.”

Joohyun’s mouth is set in a firm line, and even though Seulgi’s only known her for little more than a year, she knows that that expression means that there is no arguing with Joohyun. Not that Seulgi has any energy to do so anyway. And that even if she has any, she’s not sure if she’s ever going to win an argument against Joohyun.

(She’s stubborn. But Seulgi’s hardly going to tell her that.)

So she simply pouts. But Seulgi can’t deny that getting to bury herself beneath her covers is an unwanted outcome.

(It takes Joohyun some effort not to lean down and squish Seulgi’s soft cheeks.)

“I’ll be back,” Joohyun decides. “I need to head down to the supermarket first. Can you just stay here?”

“I’ll be right here!” A cough. “Not that I can really go anywhere anyway.” Another cough. “Can you maybe grab me a box of tissues, please?”

At Seulgi’s pitifully apologetic gaze, Joohyun changes tactics and makes an attempt at being reassuring. “It’s really okay. We can go out to see the lights when you’re better. They’ll be back every year. Don’t worry.”

“But…” Seulgi frowns a little, as if struggling to figure out what she wants to say. She bites her lip for a long moment before she suddenly perks up, grinning as she proclaims, “I’ll get better quickly then so I can go with you, unnie!”

Joohyun sighs, but it’s laced with fondness and Seulgi hears it. She plods away to grab her a bin and the aforementioned tissues, plonks them at Seulgi’s side. This time, she doesn’t resist the urge to ruffle Seulgi’s hair, knowing that all Seulgi can summon in response is a half-hearted “oi!” before Joohyun slips off to the supermarket.

*****

December 2011

Seulgi spits the frothy mixture of mint and fluoride into the sink.

She rubs at her darkened eye circles and tries her very best to not let a sob tear out of . Her voice had left her with at the first descent of winter, her mood plunging like the temperatures outdoors. The vocal trainers say that straining her voice, be it by talking, singing, or God forbid, crying, will slow down her recovery. If she even gets better, at all.

But she must! Oh, would she give anything to be better now. Would she give anything to be able to push syllables out of without it clawing against her larynx! The tumult of her emotions is as irrepressible as a wild beast, roaring its displeasure unendingly, an untameable thing that threatens to tumble out of her.

She bites down on her lips, hard. If she clenches her jaw shut, none of that can escape her.

Have strength. You have to keep going.

But how can she? She’s so tired. So tired and so cold. Everyone’s been leaving and she’s so alone. It helps precious little that her dorm is presently empty, be it because everyone has left for the holidays, or well, for forever. That she may never see them again stings just a little. Yes, her heart aches with the emptiness of loss, for losing comrades fighting for the same dream hurts, but it hurts even more to know that they, the girls stronger, better, and prettier than she is, have despaired and given up on it all. That they had found another agency to flee to, or another hope to cling onto.

What about her? What makes her special enough to think that she’s worth of staying?

But where else is she to go?

(She doesn’t know.)

She wants to cry. Oh, she does.

But she can’t.

And so she does the only thing she knows how to. She dries her face and pulls on a sweater and down jacket and laces up her boots before she plunges into the cold of the morning, tracing the familiar path to the practice rooms through the snow.

She doesn’t hear her, at first, so lost as she is in staring at her scuffed black boots and praying fervently that the voices in her head be banished. It’s a competing crescendo of thoughts, of steel and of demons. Her resolve is crumbling and the discordant pain in her rises so surely that she feels that snapping would be easier.

But Joohyun catches up with her. “Seulgi!”

Her voice slaps her out of her own whirlpool of thoughts. “Joohyun-unnie?” She tries greeting, her hoarse voice coloured with surprise.

“Shh. You shouldn’t say anything. Didn’t oppa tell you not to talk?” Joohyun looks at her, her face painted with obvious concern. “The wind’s made your hair such a mess.” She sighs as she reaches in to adjust Seulgi’s hair. “I’ve heard you weren’t planning on going home. Is that true?”

Seulgi nods, knowing that she’ll be scolded by Joohyun if she says anything aloud.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Joohyun sighs again, still adjusting Seulgi’s hair. “You shouldn’t have to spend the break alone. I’m sorry I’ve not been around for the past few days.”

Seulgi shakes her head, to let Joohyun know that it’s okay.

(But really, is it okay?)

Joohyun’s been going out with the seniors at the company. All the boys have long clamoured to go out with her. Seulgi knows that all of them had wanted to snatch a glimpse of the first snow with Joohyun. Who wouldn’t want to? She’s heard that Suho has managed to bring Joohyun out. Soojung said so. And Soojung’s never far behind the company gossip. Suho’s also gifted Joohyun a few books, what with the promise of upcoming paycheques.

Seulgi pulls out her phone, punches in her question. [Aren’t you going home?]

Joohyun huffs. “Well, you aren’t.”

[But… I stay in Seoul.]

“Daegu’s only a few hours away, idiot. And besides, I know that you haven’t been home. Why not?”

Seulgi looks up at Joohyun, her eyes silent and pleading. Understanding dawns on Joohyun’s face.

“In that case, come on. Let’s do something nice for a change instead, okay? Come on, why do you look like that?”

[I haven’t been home to get my pocket money lately :( ]

Seulgi’s hands are really cold by now. And they barely have enough strength to press the keys. Joohyun notices, and her hand reaches over to hold Seulgi’s palm in her own. As small as Joohyun’s hand is, Seulgi’s fingers feel infinitely warmer from her touch.

“Ah… so that’s what you’re worried about… No matter! I’ll buy us some food. Then we can just lie about indoors all day, okay? I don’t really want to spend too much time outdoors anyway. Oh come on, don’t look so glum. If it makes you feel better, you can pay me back next time, okay?”

*

Seulgi’s not usually an opportunist. But since Joohyun has offered, why not? She’s been particularly good about the offer so far. At the supermarket, all she dared to pick out were the cheapest cup of instant noodles and soya milk. Okay, maybe she tried sneaking in some Pringles, but had scratched at her and she had put the tube down. Although, yes, Joohyun rejected all her picks with unrestrained vehemence. They wound up buying pears to eat with their bowls of kimchi and sundubu jjigae at the nearby restaurant.

Beside them, the heater rattles in its struggle to keep them warm. A customer gets up after having finished his meal, pushes a stained note and a few coins at the ahjumma, and presses his way out through the plastic flaps, letting in a gust of wind. Seulgi barely notices the cold though, as engrossed as she is in watching Joohyun for her reaction.

Joohyun’s lips are pursed, deep as she is in contemplation.

Seulgi can’t, for the life of her, tell what she’s thinking.

A pop of air.

(Joohyun is cute)

“Okay.”

Seulgi’s brows hitch. She waves her hands about in question. Joohyun, agreeing to watch a horror film with her?

“I said, okay.” Joohyun takes another spoonful of soup before she continues. “But I’m staying over tonight, okay? I’m not going to sleep alone tonight.”

Well, she can hardly say no.

*

One hundred forty-five minutes, a series of screams, and many death grips on Seulgi’s poor arm later, they are curled up in bed together – tucked underneath their covers, shoulder to shoulder, their sockless toes touching in warm, small space.  

Or: Seulgi’s warm, a deep calm resting in her bones, the noises in her head silent. Maybe she doesn’t know what’s coming for her tomorrow, but for now, she’s certain that wherever Joohyun goes, she will be there.

*****

December 2012

[Joohyun-unnie, Merry Christmas!! Hope you’re having a good time with your family :) ]

Seulgi rereads her message thrice before she sends it. She sighs as she throws herself onto her bed.

“Is it someone you like?” Seulgi’s brother teases as he barges into her room, without knocking, as usual.

“You’re a rude pig,” Seulgi replies, choosing not to answer his question.

“Aww. Little Seulgi liking someone! That’s new. Who could it be? Is it Kyuhyun-oppa? Jongdae-oppa? Changmin-oppa?”

Seulgi rolls her eyes. “Oppa, you’re terrible.” 

Her brother guffaws as he plops to a spot by her feet. “Please, it’s high time you introduced me to your boyfriend. Come on, spill!”

“You’re not going to be beating any poor boy up anytime soon, oppa. Besides, I’m not dating anyone—”

“Really?” Seulgi hears the scepticism in his voice and rolls her eyes again, but her eyes don’t leave her phone. “Don’t lie to oppa. There’s bound to be someone. You’re nearly twenty. Dude, my baby sister’s not that much uglier than I am. I’m pretty good looking so—”

“You’re such a pig,” she grouses, without any real heat.

Her brother grins. “Of course. I am pretty good looking.”

“Can’t you get out of my room yet?”

“Nope.”

He’s smirking so broadly and annoyingly that Seulgi knows that he’ll never relent. “Fine..”

“What’s got you so cranky lately? Umma says that all you’ve been doing is texting on your phone.”

At this, Seulgi feels a pang of guilt. “Ah. I haven’t been spending much time with appa and umma have I?” Seulgi grabs her phone and pockets it. “I’ll go help umma with the dinner then.”

Her brother makes a tsk sound. “You, help with the dinner? Are you sure you won’t accidentally burn the entire house down?”

“Hey!”

*

“Princess! Here’s your present. Hope you like it.”

“Thank you, appa!” Seulgi grins as she receives the wrapped present. “I love you.”

Her dad chuckles as he reaches over to ruffle her hair, which she doesn’t really protest because well, it’s her dad. “Oh, before I forget, your umma and I want to give your Joohyun-unnie a present too. Didn’t you say that you’ve spent the past few holidays with her?”

“What?” Seulgi blinks. “You’re giving Joohyun-unnie a present too?”

Her father reaches for a box underneath the tree and hands it to Seulgi. “Of course! How can I not?”

“We hope she likes what we picked out for her. Thank her for us, okay? And you should bring her to visit sometime, get out of your Academy once in a while. It’s only right that I feed her at least once since she’s cooked for you so many times…” Her mother clicks her tongue as she mutters, “I wonder… what does she like to eat… is she allergic to anything…”

“You got her a bigger present!” Seulgi’s brother cries out as he reaches over to examine the box. He makes a dramatic noise. “I suppose pretty girls get better gifts.”

Granddad is the one who laughs this time. “Princesses must get pretty things. Now, come here so we can take a photo! Where is your camera, Kang-seobang?”

*

Seulgi’s phone finally buzzes.

[[Seulgi!! Merry Christmas to you too. Finally got away from the family. My sister wanted to quiz me about stuff.]]

[Oh, What about?]

[[You’re still awake??? Go to sleep!!]]

Seulgi blinks at the blue-lit screen, her blankets pulled over her head. Hmm.

Joohyun answers the phone immediately. “Hello?” Her voice comes out as a whisper. “She’s is in the toilet but she’s going to come to bed soon!” Make it quick, is unsaid.

“Unnie, appa got you a present!”

A peal of laughter. If it had been anyone else, Seulgi would be pulling away from her phone to save her ears from the loud sound. But it’s Joohyun, whose laughter makes Seulgi’s chest crack in a good way.

“Really? I don’t suppose you’ve opened it.”

“Hey, I’m not that rude! I mean… yes I wanted to. But it’s for you. Anyway, what was your sister asking you about?”

“Some… stuff. Unimportant. What are you doing awake anyway?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Why?” Her voice is more muffled now and Seulgi hears an echoey “goodnight unnie!” from the other end, and she knows that Joohyun’s sister has returned to the room.

“I don’t know. It’s just weird, I guess. Being at home for Christmas.” (Without you.)

Seulgi hears Joohyun’s answering sigh from the other end. She also hears a scuffle and the annoyed, “No, I’m not talking to my boyfriend – I don’t even have a boyfriend – shut up and just go to sleep! Sorry about that. You were saying?”

“I totally understand. My sister is driving me nuts. She’s been so insistent on… oh god. Maybe she’ll shut up once I pass her Jongdae’s signed CD… or maybe not… Anyway, I’ll be back in two days.”

Two days. How dreadfully long. “Okay. How’s Christmas been for you?”

“Mmm… good? The family business is doing okay. Appa and umma got us stuff this year. Small little things. Umma got me some body lotion – I think she wants me to stop stealing hers. Oh, I got to hang out with my friends… that was nice.” Seulgi tries to quash that rising sense of jealousy, knowing that she’d never be able to compete against those friends. “I’ve not seen them for a while. One of them is flying around the world nowadays, while I’m still training…”

“And then you’ll be flying around the world someday soon too!”

A quiet laugh. “We all hope so. What about you? Is your oppa being a jackass?”

Seulgi groans. “Of course he is, what’s new? The cousins came over earlier too. Oh, oh, umma and appa picked out something for you!”

“They shouldn’t have… it’s…”

“Nah, it’s okay. Umma wants to invite you over for food someday. Something about making it up to you.”

“What?”

“I think she wants to thank you for cooking for me.”

“It’s really okay—”

“—They love you already, Joohyun-ah! I think they might already like you more than they like me, and they haven’t even met you yet!”

Another muffled laugh. “That’s flattering. Well, I suppose it’s only polite for me to take them up on their offer sometime. Maybe sometime later in the year though. I need to find enough in me to face the tiger’s den.”

“Appa and umma aren’t scary… I’ll be sure to tell them that I dislike chicken, so they don’t need to know that you are the one who hates eating it.”

“Sure, little cub. Doubt they’d buy that.”

She makes a half-hearted roaring sound. It’s worth it, to hear Joohyun laugh again. “Are you going to sleep soon, Joohyun-unnie?”

Joohyun takes a while to reply. For a long moment, all Seulgi hears is their quiet breaths. “Mmm… I don’t know. I’m not really sleepy right now.”

Impulsively, Seulgi suggests, “I can sing you a song, so you can sleep better!”

“What, like a lullaby?”

“Yeah. I can do that. You said you liked my singing.”

“Who doesn’t, Seulgi-ya,” Joohyun replies, letting fondness seep into her voice. “But if you don’t mind, please.”

Oh dear god, that rising sense of panic because what the hell is she going to sing? Not this, not that, not… Oh, okay, she can sing that. She’s fairly confident she knows most of the lyrics, right?

“I'm dreaming of a white Christmas… Just like the ones I used to know… Hang on… another one. Have yourself a merry little Christmas; let your heart be light; From now on your troubles will be out of sight.”

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas; make the Yuletide gay…”

“Really, Seulgi?” Joohyun’s voice is clearly amused.

“Unnie!”

“What?”

“Unnie.”

Joohyun ignores the chastise. “Through the years we all will be together.”

“If the fates allow?”

“Finish the song for me, Seulgi-ya.”

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas; so have yourself a merry little Christmas.”

They stay on the line until Joohyun’s breaths slow, deepen, and Seulgi follows her into slumber quickly after.

*****

December 2013

Outside is a cold draft and darn, are they reluctant to leave the comfort of their blankets. Yerim’s the one who drags them out of bed. They protest, but Yerim wins, of course.

Yerim’s eyes are sparkling as she hauls a bleary-eyed Seulgi out of the bed. “Come on, let’s go! You promised to go ice-skating with me today!”

Seulgi blinks. “I… did?” She yawns once, staring blankly at Yerim. Yerim waits patiently, knowing that Seulgi’s not exactly functional immediately after being woken up. “I did, right!” Seulgi nods and Yerim grins. “Okay, let me go get ready. Why don’t you persuade Joohyun-unnie to go too?”

Joohyun immediately drags the covers over her face. “No.” She sounds petulant, and she knows it.

Yerim is relentless. She pulls the blanket out of Joohyun’s grasp. “Unnie, let’s go! You said you’d do something nice with me if I did well at school, so…”

Joohyun’s about to retort, but she did promise Yerim. How does Yerim even remember a deal they struck over seven months ago?

*

The bus door shuts behind them and Yerim’s ramble continues, “…The other day I bumped into SNSD-sunbaenims! They are so pretty. They’re always pretty. I got to speak to some of them because they came down to the Academy to cheer us on and guess what? Yoona-sunbaenim signed my notebook! But more importantly she told me to keep at it so I can make everyone happy, including her! I wish I’ll be as good as she is… she’s also so tall… do you think I can still grow any taller, Seulgi-unnie? My mom says she feels bad because I might not get any taller because she didn’t feed me that well as a kid… But maybe I’ll be taller than you one day!”

“Watch out, Yerim-ah. You can’t say what you want aloud.”

“You told me what you wanted. And I know you really want that to happen.”

“That’s different.”

“Why’s it different?” Yerim her eyebrow at Seulgi.

“Well… Because…”

“What are you guys talking about?” Joohyun asks.

“Our debut!” Seulgi says, too quickly.

Joohyun’s eyes narrow. “Besides, they’ve announced us already, so that can’t be it. What’s it?”

Seulgi pouts, knowing she’s been caught at a poor attempt at a lie. “Nope. Not telling you. Not yet, at least.”

“What are you guys keeping from me?” Joohyun laughs as she pushes Seulgi lightly. “Is there anything we keep from each other?”

“No, no, of course not!” Seulgi’s face colours. “But maybe… just this one thing.”

Joohyun’s curiosity grows. Firstly, what can they be hiding from her? And secondly, why is Seulgi even blushing at this? But, “Okay, you two can keep your little secret.” She can’t resist poking Seulgi’s cheek though. “Cute.” If it’s possible, Seulgi goes redder than before.

*

Thankfully, the two allow her to sit out of the ice-skating foray. Armed with the excuse of “I cook and clean your clothes!”, the two of them had quickly gave up on pestering her to join them on the ice. After all, it won’t do to have Joohyun fall prey to some injury or other. That’s one less free catering and laundry service. Perhaps she’s signed herself up to endless laundry days, but she really doesn’t mind. And it’s also always better to keep Seulgi away from the kitchen.

So she simply watches them.

“Okay Yerim, come on! Yerim-ah! Trust yourself and just go!” Seulgi laughs as she skates in front of Yerim. The smaller girl’s heavily padded black and jacket alongside her white pants makes her look a lot like a penguin, taking tentative, unsteady steps on the ice, her right hand gripped tightly on the rail.

It doesn’t take her much longer before Yerim starts to giggle as she slowly slides after Seulgi on the ice. Yerim screams every now and then when she wobbles and threatens to slip, but Seulgi’s never too far away to reach out to steady the girl. Joohyun marvels at how Seulgi, who’s pretty impatient about lots of things, doesn’t seem to tire when it comes to teaching Yerim. In the few seconds that Seulgi skates away from Yerim before she inadvertently returns to her, she’s entrancing to watch, moving with a poised, languid ease that Joohyun envies. She wants to take her phone out and capture the scene, but cameras pale in comparison to this. She doesn’t want to miss any of this simply because she’s hiding behind the lens of her camera.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been watching them, but Yerim gets better, surer of her own feet. Yerim motions for Seulgi to leave her be, and Seulgi smiles, skates backwards, and makes her way towards where Joohyun is at the side of the rink. Seulgi is simply radiant in her joy. Their gazes meet, and Joohyun’s heart swells.

Oh, I love you, Kang Seulgi.

Then:

Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

And finally:

This cannot be.

Her gloved fists clench into themselves.

But it is, isn’t it?

“Joohyun-ie! Joohyun-unnie!” Seulgi skids to a quick stop by her, giggling breathlessly, her face stinging in the cold air. She notices Joohyun’s tensed posture and her laughter quickly stops. “Is there anything wrong? Are you okay? Are you feeling unwell?”

Joohyun blinks, forcing a watery smile onto her face. “I’m fine.”

“Really?” It’s obvious that Seulgi doesn’t buy it. “But… You looked…” Seulgi’s simply confused. Joohyun can’t say that she likes lying to Seulgi, but she can’t exactly tell her the truth now, can she?

“I’m really, really okay. Don’t worry about me.”

Seulgi’s face is still set in a slight frown, but she recognises the clear dismissal. She quickly rearranges her face and returns to skate beside Yerim.

Joohyun watches her move away from her and she lets out the sigh that she’s been holding in.

(You cannot say what you want aloud.

I want you, Seulgi-ya.)

*****

December 2014

They are in the waiting rooms of the CJ E&M building and all Joohyun wants to do is go home and sleep. She can feel her eyes getting drier and her eyelids getting heavier by the minute. She’s sure that all the other members feel the same: underneath all that stage makeup, they are as pale as the next Sally – she sure feels like a rag doll. But here they are, sitting in a room, their faces lit under the glare of the fluorescents as they await their stage.

Okay, maybe she’s wrong in her assessment. Seulgi’s is still bouncing on her feet, eager to go for their M Countdown recording. Her hand alternates between tugging on her red plaid shirt or white skirt, her nervous energy palpable even across the room. Not that the room’s that big, but Seulgi’s energy is very nearly infectious. Nearly.

Beside her, their stylist touches up Seungwan’s makeup. Sooyoung’s eyes are shut in her attempt to rest, just a little, before they head onto the stage to face the fans. They can hardly look tired in front of the fans.

The door opens and shuts; Joohyun doesn’t get to see who it was, but she does hear Seulgi’s, “Ooh. Someone’s given us marshmallows!”

The stylist moves on to fix Sooyoung’s makeup. Sooyoung gives a small, tremulous smile, and asks, “Can I have some?”

“Yeah sure!”

Seulgi bounces over to Sooyoung. For a moment, she struggles to tear the plastic wrapping open and her face contorts in concentration. Cute. But she succeeds, and hands Sooyoung two pieces of the candy.

“Hey, how many marshmallows do you think I can put in my mouth?”

Seungwan’s eyes widen comically. “I don’t think that’s the best idea…”

“Why not?”

“You might choke?”

“Nah.” Seulgi begins to put marshmallows in .

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

“I can totally do this,” Seulgi says, mostly to herself. “Do you want to try, Joohyun-unnie?”

Wait. Seulgi’s trying to eat marshmallows before their stage? “Kang Seulgi!”

Seulgi’s eight marshmallows in. Her eyes widen at Joohyun’s sudden admonishing tone. “Mmmwhat?”

“We have to be on stage later!”

Seulgi nods. “I wwknow! Oommph. Chubby bunny!” Nine. “You! Joohyun-unnie! You do it!” She sounds more like a choking rabbit, at this point.

“Are you saying I’m a chubby bunny?”

“Nmwo.” Ten. “’Course not.”

“Your makeup’s smudging on the sweet now, Seulgi-unnie,” Sooyoung points out in lieu of their stylist, who’s looking at Seulgi with some concern now.

“Mmrrph.” Seulgi shrugs it off. “Chubby Irene!”

Joohyun wants to throw the comb at her. “Just… swallow it all. Mow.”

“It. Game! Come on, Joo—”

“Are you trying to bait me, Seulgi?” She’s mostly amused by that. “You’ve got to try harder.”

Seulgi looks as if she wants to laugh, but ’s too full for that.

“Kang Seulgi!” Their manager opens the door, agape. “What are you doing?”

Seulgi turns to face their manager, and Joohyun’s sure that she’s doing what approximates for a smile. “Hello!”

“I can’t leave you girls alone for even a moment, can I?”

*

December 2015

Sooyoung bursts into the kitchen, Yerim following quickly after her.

Joohyun and Seungwan startle, looking up at them, their flour-dusted hands suspended mid-air, the next word of Deck The Halls dying in Joohyun’s throat. The intruding duo sport scandalised expressions, and she waits for either of the younger girls to speak. 

“Joohyun-unnie!” Yerim’s the first to let her words bubble out. “Seungwan-unnie! Seulgi’s cheating! You know the presents that were left underneath the tree? She’s opening them!”

“We agreed on opening it at dinnertime together, right?” Sooyoung joins in. “Come on, you’ve got to like… punish her or something.”

Joohyun’s brow quirks and Seungwan lets out a choking laugh. “Are you sure you want her punished?”

Yerim rolls her eyes and Sooyoung recoils, immediately getting the insinuation. “I don’t need to know what you guys do in bed, yuck, unnie. But you know! You’ve got to do something.”

Seungwan hands Joohyun the rolling pin. “Would… this… work?”

Yerim’s eyes roll again. “We all know that Joohyun-unnie will never really hurt Seulgi-unnie. That’s not going to work. Maybe put her in charge of cleaning up after dinner? Make her go out and buy decorations?”

Joohyun’s head to the side, the gears in her head turning.

“You.”

“What?” Yerim her head too, a mirror image of Joohyun. An image of innocence.

“If I go out right now and unwrap your present, will your gift still be inside the box?”

“Of course,” Yerim says breezily. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“My god, the both of you!” Seungwan wrings her hands, letting a cloud of flour fly. “Throwing Seulgi under the bus like that?”

“We didn’t do anything,” Sooyoung says slowly, carefully. “And Seulgi’s really opening her presents, prematurely, I might add.”

Joohyun sighs. “I suppose we’re running out of baking paper… Sooyoung-ah, can you help me ask Seulgi to go out and buy some?”

“On it!” Sooyoung speeds out.

Yerim makes to follow her, but Joohyun’s warning glare stops her in her tracks. “Fine, fine. What can I do?”

*

The five of them are sprawled around the living room. Sooyoung’s the only one really focused on the movie. They’re supposed to be watching Love Actually – subbed, not the dubbed version – but all she can hear is the ongoing argument between Seungwan and Yerim. Seungwan likes the movie. The terrible softie that she is grouses that the movie’s excellent. But Yerim’s always one to pick out poor points, using her words to hang the shreds in the air. They are on the tangent on how… something along the lines of how selling your daughter off is horribly, horribly unethical. Joohyun herself is intent on braiding Seulgi’s hair, threading the strands together absently. Below her, Seulgi leans into the couch and against Joohyun’s calves, but she’s clearly more focused on fiddling with her phone than the film.

“I’m going to get some snacks from the kitchen. Do you guys want some?” Seulgi asks the others, suddenly pulling herself free from Joohyun’s ministrations.

“I’ll go with you.” Joohyun she gets up to follow her. The two of them are going to give her a headache if she stays by them any longer. 

Sooyoung waves them off. Seungwan emerges from her argument long enough to ask for some fruits. Yerim, predictably, asks for chocolate. They return swiftly to debating about whether anything in Love Actually is even realistic. The she-devil, of course, argues that nothing is realistic about the movie.

“Hey, Joohyun-ie. Mistletoe.”

Before she has any time to react, Seulgi’s lips are pressed against hers, beginning as chaste little pecks, playful and teasing as she traces a line on Joohyun’s jaw. It doesn’t take long before dips back towards hers to demand for more, her soft lips coaxing and urging Joohyun to let her tongue dart at Seulgi’s.

(I have you now.

I love you, Kang Seulgi.)

She swallows back a moan because she wants more of Seulgi, but Seulgi pulls back, smirking. And okay, she loves her, but in that moment Joohyun wants nothing more but to smack that expression of her face.

“Oh my god who gave them an excuse to kiss?” Yerim’s question releases every ounce of her exasperation.

“Seungwan-unnie, how could you have left the mistletoe there?” Sooyoung’s pleading groan rings in the air.

“Later,” Seulgi promises as slips off to the kitchen, a mischievous gleam in her eye.

She shakes her head, ducking her head into herself to hide her abashed smile.

Dear lord. How does Seulgi always manage to make her feel like this? The butterflies swooping in her stomach are as excited as the blinking fairy lights on the tree.

She can’t let Seulgi win, though. But later. Later, she’ll exact her revenge. Even if she’s playing right into Seulgi’s hands – for the younger girl definitely knows that the card that she’s using – Joohyun doesn’t really mind.

Seulgi re-emerges from the kitchen, balancing a tottering tower of Tupperware boxes containing the various snack selections with just an arm. Her other arm reaches over to brush at Joohyun’s own, and she whispers,

“Merry Christmas, Joohyun-ah.”

She shivers. It’s certainly not cold in here. God, she’s so warm right now.

For now, though, she walks back to where everyone else is sitting and settles on the floor next to Seulgi. If the other girl’s surprised at her change of position, she’s certainly not complaining. Not when Joohyun’s nestled in Seulgi’s arms, their smiles stretching just as surely as their hearts are filled with the infinite.