---

Just standing there, snuggled in each other’s arms, feeling the warmth of each other's body in the chilly night air made me sigh in satisfaction and content. The feeling of completeness overtaking my body and soul, I couldn’t be happier. 

Looking at the moon suddenly made my mind go back to the day we started. It was probably the most wacky but certainly the best beginning of anyone's journey together.

I looked at the beautiful human holding me close to his body, as if I was the most precious gem in the world. He looked down at me with nothing but love in his eyes. It was the completion I always craved for.

I just smiled at him as he kissed my forehead and snuggled closer, resting his head over mine.

 

---

[take place in year 2018 fall time]

“Jeon Jungkook!” Namjoon hyung shouted. “Get your lazy down here within 2 minutes or else we leave without you.”

“Just a sec hyung!” I shouted as I looked into the mirror one last time making sure i looked nothing less than perfect.

“Keep doing final touches all day, we are going,” said Suga hyung. “Come on guys let's get going, we barely have time.”

“Wait! I am coming,” I shouted again as I ran down the hall. “Ready!”

I stood tall before my mates, questioning with my eyes- how do I look?

“Are we by any chance going to Seoul fashion week?” asked Jimin hyung. He looked at me as if I came from pluto. In fact all were giving me the same look.

“We are going to a pool party for the ’s sake. Why in the lord’s name are you dressed up in leather and all?" Ho-seok hyung asked.

“Well, I thought I should look presentable. Is it too much? Do I look fine?” Today is my chance, where I can finally personally approach that person. Or at least, try to do so. Jieun noona gave me all the blueprint of our project, ‘How to approach my crush’.

“Bro, you are literally oozing fashion-show vibes! And here I was thinking if I should wear jersey pants or sweatpants.” Jimin looked at me with wide eyes. He was cargo pants from Fila and a simple loose button down.

“You are waaay too underdressed Jungkook. Simply, overdressed.” Hoseok hyung scoffed.

“B-But, I thought there would be many people, so I thought…” I trailed off and looked at myself.

I wasn’t really wearing flashy clothes. Just a button down plain white cotton shirt of Gucci, Taehyung hyung gave me last week, paired with black sporty technical pants that I got as a complimentary gift from Louis Vuttion, on which I had a black leather jacket from YSL. And of course my precious earrings. 

It wasn't too much! It’s so basic!

But looking at the members and I understood what they meant about me being overdressed. They all settled with jeans and t-shirts or simple hoodies. Well, I guess I am a little dressed up.

“No matter what you do, it won’t change the fact that you are a dumb . Now shut your annoying mouth and let’s get out or else we are leaving without you.” Yoongi hyung snapped. I pouted.

We were taking two cars, one Namjoon hyung is driving and the other Jin hyung. I settled beside Taehyung hyung in the backseat of Jin hyung’s car.

“You know you really look like you are going on a date or something.” Hyung said with a smirk looking at me through the mirror. I just gave a sheepish smile and turned to look outside the window.

As the car started to move my thoughts started to trail off to this person I wanted to impress and talk to tonight. He was a member of one of the most renowned groups in the industry, EXO.

I idealised them from the time I got to know that a band like them exists. We aren’t particularly close, as a whole group. But few of the members are. To be honest, I have always been kind of jealous of Jimin hyung and Taehyung hyung who are close to the members of EXO.

We were heading to Tiffany sunbaenim’s annual party. She keeps the party private and inside her farmhouse at the outskirts of Seoul city. She invites her close friends and I have no idea when Namjoon hyung and she became one. Apparently he does catch up with her more often than I realise. 

We usually decline invites like these, due to the media and all. But this party? We try not to avoid it for several reasons. One, and the most important, it is totally private and no media or outside the invitees are aware of this party. Apparently once there was a slip up, and someone accidentally posted about this party, but Tiffany sunbae covered it up very quickly and now there is no trace of. The wonders of power and money. Second, it is the only party where we can freely interact with other groups, and are not under the scrutiny of camera’s or fans, so basically we are free birds. Third, well, Namjoon hyung will never say no to an invite from Tiffany sunbae. The were only time we had to miss the party which was the last two years.  That was due to our tour and overseas schedule. 

As usual, like every year I was planning to wear random jeans and tee, but as soon as I overheard that this time, all of the EXO sunbaenim were attending as a group, I couldn’t stop myself from going all out. Every time I go to the party, one person is for sure missing. And the reason I overheard was shooting or schedule. This is probably the first time he is coming there, and nothing could make me happier. 

I immediately contacted Jieun noona to tell her the news. Apart from myself, the only person who knows about my massive crush is her. It was ‘accidental’ finding on her side, but totally worth I would say. I finally had someone to whom I could go and gush about every single interaction I have with that person. With whom I can share my feelings unfiltered. 

Well, by now you must have understood that my crush a male, and so leading to the conclusion I am gay. 

I still clearly remember how my parents reacted to the news. They wouldn’t talk to me properly for months till my mom could no longer bear the awkwardness and slowly started accepting her gay son. And slowly dad came along.

Nobody apart from my parents and Jieun noona knows about this. Not even my members. It is not like I don’t trust them, in fact I trust them with my life. And that is what scares me the most. The people I trust and love the most, what if they turn their backs to me? I don’t think I can handle that. But when I started to trust them, when Isaw how genuinely they support the community, it gave me confidence. But I never found the right time to tell them. Every single chance I got, somehow it never felt right. Something or the other thing came up and I backed off.

IU noona understood because she her brother is gay too. That's what she said, and added “In the end you are you.”

Oh! And my crush? Oh Sehun, the chic maknae of the nation’s pick, EXO. 

How did I end up falling for him? Let’s go back to my debut time. 

~

Months before our first comeback after our debut, I remember very clearly hanging out in the children park at midnight, utterly scared of what was to come. Our debut wasn’t a big hit. We weren’t expecting it to be, if we are honest. We are from a small company, and we had to fight for everything. But the debut was got way less attention than we had accepted. And for our comeback, we were hoping improvement, but the situation barely improved.

The practice that day was bad. I was scolded multiple times for my form, my lack of balance, and it simply wasn’t going well. It resulted in me running out of the studio as far as I could. And that was how I ended up in the park, in the middle of the night. 

As I hung out alone in the park, scared that I might not be good enough for my group. All the more, I was scared that before I even get successful, someone might find out I am gay and would ruin our whole group because of me. I sat on the swing, barely stopping myself from crying when I heard someone shout. 

“Oi!” I looked up to see a thin boy, close to my age looking at me from a few paces away. He was with a group of boys. It seemed as if they were going to come and beat me up. That thought alone got me all the more scared but I pulled my hand into a fist, just incase. 

“What are you doing there all alone?” The same lanky guy asked as he stepped into the park. He then turned around and asked his friends to go and he would follow them soon. I got up from the swing, ready to fight. The guy was way too thin, but he was way taller than me. He might be good at fighting even if he seemed like a noodle.

“What do you want?” I asked angrily, trying to pull off my scariest face.

“Yo, what got you so angry? Chill man,” he said as he sat on the swing beside mine. He had a plastic bag in his hand with some stuff inside them. “You seemed so lonely, I couldn’t help but join you. Chill, I am not here to fight.” He laughed light heartedly. I looked at him in both confusion and awe. Up close, he was very handsome and his face was very very familiar for some unknown reason. 

I continued to stare at him just stunned to say anything.

“Don’t just stand there, sit down.” The boy pointed the swing laughing lightly. I silently followed what he said. “Here, take this.” The boy pulled out a popsicle and handed it to me. “You look like you need one.” The guy ed it closer to me. I silently took it. 

“You are supposed to keep that in mouth or else it will melt,” the boy laughed again. I snapped out of the daze, looking down, slightly embarrassed at myself. My cheeks and ears got hot because of it. “You are one hell of a cute guy I have ever seen.” The popsicle boy smiled at him, making me blush harder. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“I-I don’t know,” I whispered.

“Hey, don’t look so sad, everything will turn out just fine.” he stood up from his swing and came in font of me. “No matter what is bothering you, just take a deep breath and think everything is for good. Even if you don’t like it, just wait patiently.” The boy ruffled my hair. “That’s what my grandma taught me!” 

“I-I messed up! I keep messing up.” My lower lip wobbled as emotions took better hold of me. 

“Hey, its okay.” the boy stepped closer, hugging me. “Even I mess up all the time, but its okay. I know you will be just fine.” He patted my back and stayed like that till the time I stopped whimpering. He slowly pulled back and rubbed away my tears. “Look at you, your face is all blotchy now.” He chuckled. “And look at the ice cream! It will melt away, quick eat it!” He laughed, making me smile too. 

“There you go! Look at that smile!” The guy looked at me. “Aren’t you the cutest?” He said, making me blush harder. “Now that you are feeling better, you should go back home, your parents must be worried.” He patted my head. “My hyungs are waiting for me, I should get going too. And you should smile more, it suites you better.” He winked before he took off. I wanted to stop and ask his name at least, but I was just too stunned to speak anything. 

When I went back to dorms, I got scolded for running away like that and worrying hyungs. But I simply smiled and hugged them. That night I dreamt of popsicle and the boy in the park. I probably had my first crush and I didn’t have any idea who the hell he was, though I had a strong feeling I have seen him somewhere.

Imagine my surprise when few weeks later my hyungs were looking at the new boy group of SM Ent.’s comeback music video and I see the popsicle boy there, dancing to that wolf song.

“Popsicle!” I shouted. After a round of judgemental looks, I got to know that the popsicle guy was apparently the SM Ent.’s new boy band’s youngest member Oh Sehun.

~

From that day, till now, I was never able to get over him.

Every time I look at him it just makes my heart flutter. His style, his looks, his voice and even the way his lips move while he speaks with his cute lisp, everything just pulls me more into him. He is my first love. And he doesn’t even remembers me.

The most painful part of being gay? It is when you are in love with a straight man. You know it will never be reciprocated and yet you continue to love him. Even when your brain tries to reason you out, you can never reason out your heart. It was a pain I endured for the past 6 years. So I am pretty much used to it by now. I try my best not to fantasise about him, but there is nothing wrong with dreaming, other than the heartbreak you feel after realising it was just a dream. 

Well delulu is the new solulu, they say. 

We barely ever bumped into each other and every time we did, I ended up chickening out. Even looking straight into his eyes got me weak in the knees. I am never prepared for the heart ache so I ended up choosing the only solution, running away. I kept on pushing my feelings to the bay but just one look from him and that’s all it takes to make my feelings swim back to the surface. 

“Jeon Jungkook! Where are you lost? I called you three times already!” Jin hyung said.

“Sorry,” I murmured as I looked at him in confusion through mirror. 

“We are here you lost cause. Get off the car.” He pointed toward the gait.

It is an hour journey, and I was pretty shocked that the hour flew so quickly.

As soon as I stepped out of the car I stretched my legs and turned around to see the gigantic house. As always, the house looked gigantic and magnificent in loss of any other word.

We were at the garage and the garage itself was so damn huge. I whistled lightly as soon as I saw the different cars. 

Ferrari, mercedes, Benz, and damn, is that a Harley Davidson? Damn! 

“Damn, this feels like some car showroom.” Taehyung admired the view. 

“Damn right!” Jimin popped a hand on his shoulder, more like tried to do that. I just chuckled and turned around to look at more when I saw a group of men coming out of the white Maserati. Damn, that costs a fortune! 

And man, did the time just slowed down as soon as my whipped laid eyes on him. 

He is a piece of art, legit.

He pulled off that model look wearing a simple black polo shirt and jeans, with his signature sneakers. I mean, how can someone look so hot in something so simple?

As soon as the EXO members saw us, the group came to us with huge smiles. And the second my eyes met him, whoop, the fuse in my head went pop. 

He gave a small smile and I think my legs just turned into jell-o. And the traitor blush had to make its way to my cheeks.

Like I said, just one look was enough.

“Yo, why are you blushing?” Jimin hyung bumped his shoulder to mine.

Before I could say anything I saw Kai sunbaenim approaching us. And, Sehun sunbaenim was just behind him.

“Ohoi! Hello!” Jimin hyung jumped a little.

“Hey Jimin! And Jungkook! How are you?” Kai sunbae asked.

“I am good, how are you?” I asked.

“Just fine, just fine. Wow,” sunbae kept his arm on my shoulder and looked closer at my body, making my cheeks burn. “Sehun was right, you bulked up from the last time I saw you!” he said in admiration.

Sehun sunbae talked about me? He noticed me? 

“I told you,” Sehun sunbae chuckled, making me look at him. He raised his hand gave me a small wave, making me blush much harder. I bowed my head slightly in greeting.

“Yo, he will combust today at this rate. I might have to bring a ice pack.” Jimin teased seeing my reddening cheeks.

“Shut it,” I mumbled, rubbing my cheeks with my cold hands. 

“Cute.” A raspy voice came. I snapped my head in Sehun subae’s direction cuz I knew it was him. He was looking right at me with a small smile that was making my knees give up on me.

“Isn’t he?” Jongin sunbae said, laughing light heartedly as he rubbed my shoulder before dropping his hand off. Sehun sunbae just hummed and nodded as he not once removed his eyes from me. By the rate my cheeks were burning, I might as well need a fire extinguisher.

The truth was I was kind of nervous. Well who wouldn't be when your long time crush is standing right in front of you?

“Oho, Sehun! Jongin! How are you guys?” Hobi hyung asked as he walked to us.

“Hello hyung!” Both greeted him.

“I am great. How are you?” Kai sunbae asked.

“Just fine. How are you Sehun?” Hoe-seok hyung asked.

“I am great hyung. Haven’t met you in a while, that busy?” Sehun sunbae replied calmly. They meet each other? Why didn’t I know that?

“Yes hyung! It's been a while since we had soju together,” Kai sunbae whined cutely. This man can be a beast on stage, but as far as I see him backstage or with Jimin hyung, he is a total cutie. But! They even drink together? With Sehun sunbae too? Why was I kept out of this very important information? 

“Are you kidding me?” Sehun sunbae suddenly said. He looked in horror at Kai sunbae. “Don't you dare to even mention drinking soju with Ho-seok hyung again. Last time you did that you ended up calling your sister asking her to leave her husband and marry you!” He said, shaking his head.

“Yah!” “He did what?!” 

Kai sunbae and Jimin hyung shouted together. Though one looked mortified another looked as if he was about to burst in laughter.

Jimin hyung was trying his best not to laugh loudly. Even Hopi hyung and I were trying not to laugh.

“Oh you have no idea! When noona cursed at him for a straight 3 minutes for calling her in the middle of the night he cried for solid 15 minutes that she rejected him.”

By this time everyone was laughing so hard that we almost cried. At some point even Kai sunbae was laughing at his own stupidity.

“Oh my God! Did he really do that?!” Jimin hyung wheezed. “Taemin hyung knows this?”

“Of course he knows. I am surprised you don’t.” said Sehun sunbae. “I wish it ended there, but no! He asked me to console him because he was rejected. That too by letting him sleep on my lap and pat his hair. It was 3 freaking AM!” Sehun sunbae sighed in frustration. “When I denied he went ahead and called Jennie-ssi. I desperately wished I was not a friend of his at that moment. He asked her to marry him because his noona rejected him and that would make her jealous and leave her husband. I really want to ask, what was even going through your mind at that point?”

In the end Jimin hyung ended up clutching on Kai sunbae, holding him to dear life so that he won't fall laughing so hard and Hobi hyung and I were just trying our best to stand still.

“Oh please! Not everyone just sits and plays around on their phones when they are drunk. Should I tell what you were doing last time? Huh?” Kai sunbae retorted while glaring at Sehun sunbae.

“At least I act like a human, not a grown man who acts like 3 with a sister complex!”

“Hey guys. What is so funny?” Out of nowhere a soft voice came from my back.

We turned to look at a very amused looking Taemin sunbae. We all greeted him, or at least tried our best to considering the state we were in.

“Yops! What's wrong? Why is this thing looking like it's gonna die?” he said pointing out Jimin hyung.

“He proposed to his noona and Jennie-ssi while he was drunk!” Jimin hyung said as he gasped for air.

“What?! You told them? Oh, come on Sehun! It was my story to tell!” Taemin sunbae said with an amused face.

“Oh just stop it! I am going to deal with you later you !” Kai sunbae said. Sehun sunbae just smirked.

“Guys let's get inside, shall we?” Suho sunbae called out at us with a smile on his face.

He was with other members. Suho sunbae and Namjoon hyung were together probably back ing about us. Yoongi hyung was with Chanyeol sunbae talking about something, must be about their studio. Baekhyun sunbae and Tae tae hyung were clicking selfies.

We all calmed ourselves and just followed them in.

As we were exiting the garage, Sehun sunbae placed his hand on my lower back guiding me to the entrance of the house.

I looked at him in surprise. He gave a shy smile and continued walking by my side. My body could practically feel heat radiating from his hand.

Mark down, this is probably the first time Sehun sunbae came to me in such an advance. The last time was the first time we met, lol. I think this day would probably be the best day in my life, after the day I first met him.

As soon as we were inside the building he removed his hand leaving a burning sensation behind. He smiled and walked off with Kai sunbae.

I was kind of disappointed that he left me behind like that but to begin with, there was nothing to get disappointed. I knew that my feelings were one sided and can never be reciprocated, I told myself daily that wanting this man is futile. But today his behaviour was very different from usual. He never usually made so much of eye contact, or even the physical touch! What was that all about?

I just shook my head at the thought, maybe I was just being delusional.

I was going to walk off to the corner and have a drink by myself when I felt a small tug on my shirt sleeve.

I turned to look back at Jieun noona. My face lit up the moment I saw her.

“Noona!” I exclaimed.

She smiled brightly and pulled me into a hug.

“How are you? Wah! Look at you. I think every time I look at you, you grow an inch taller.” Noona said with a smile.

“Nah, I think you are getting shorter!” I said while snickering.

“Yah!” She slapped my shoulder. I laughed at her. “Well,well, well,” Her eyes had a mischievous glint in them. “I saw something and I liked it.”

"What? What did you see?” I asked her while we were walking to get drinks.

“Oh nothing but a certain someone walking in with his long time crush who had his hand all over a certain someone. Passing smiles, all the honey dripping gazes!” She was practically bouncing on her feet.

Oh boy! There she goes again.

“First, his hands were not all over me. And second, I tried my best not to stare at him. So no, no honey dripping gazes. And seriously, it was nothing. You know it is one sided after all.” I said while rolling my eyes.

“Oh come on I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about him, you ! He was looking at you.” She hissed. “I told you before too! I have seen him steeling glances at you sooo many times!”

“There you go again noona.” I sighed. “Why on the earth would he look at me? You are just imagining things noona. You know it is not possible. Let’s just have a drink.” I said with a sad smile.

“Oh come on. Don't look like someone kicked your puppy. And I am telling you the truth! He does looking at you. The same way you look at him. Trust me,” she said with a reassuring smile. Oh God. 

I hate this, I hated this so much. I knew it wasn’t truth, how could it be? It is so not possible and noona keeps saying this just to raise my hopes, or make me think positive.

I just held back my tears which were threatening to spill out. I knew even though she was trying to make things better for me; it was eventually a white lie. Sunbae is as straight as a ruler.

Noona took my drink from my hand and kept it on the table beside us before pulling me into a bear hug. I just held her tightly and squeezed my eyes tight, not letting those traitor tears fall.

“Hey,” she whispered. “I am sorry for going overboard again.” She patted my back. “Eventually everything will become all right.”

I sighed and hummed in reply when our little bubble was interrupted by someone clearing their throat right beside us. 

I slowly pulled back and turned to look who was it. The moment my eyes laid on the person standing in front of me, my eyes almost bulged out.

Standing right in front of me was Sehun sunbae with a look I have never seen on his face. The almost always poker face was now very much annoyed, at what I had no idea.

“Oh! Hello,” Jieun noona greeted.

“Hello, sunbaenim.” Sunbae greeted her back curtly with a small bow.

For a minute none of us spoke and it was becoming much more awkward with the staring contest going between a smiling noona and a frowning sunbae.

“Umm…” Absolutely confused about his sudden appearance, I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. “What brings sunbae here.... may I ask?” I asked him, trying not to meet his gaze. I stood there, looking all timid and scared right before him while fumbling with my hand.

He just stared at me for a minute and took a deep breath before he pulled his hand forward and placed it over my fumbling hands. And with sudden force he pulled me forward that I lost my balance and fell right on his chest, with my other hand on his waist for balance. 

I was stunned to even blink. I was so close to his body that my heart was practically racing. I forgot how to breathe for a second there. 

“Mind if I steal him for a moment?” Sunbae asked, making my head snapped towards him. He was looking at noona with a look in his eyes that left no room for argument whatsoever.

What is going on here?

“Go ahead. I certainly don’t mind,” she said with a toothy smile. She looked at me and winked.

Sunbae's hand around my arm immediately tightened. Giving noona a last bow he pulled me towards the backyard. I had no idea what was going on simply followed him wherever he was taking me to, silently, confused by the whole turn of events.

As soon as we reached the backyard, I couldn’t help but admire the view irrespective of the weird turn of events. The beautiful natural rugged looking boulder fire pit, the trees with hammock and swings hanging on trees. The most beautiful part? The garland lights and bulbs amongst the trees. They were so beautiful. I almost wanted to just stay still and appreciate the beauty. 

Sunbae pulled me towards the deck where classic wooden benches with beautiful cushions over them. I looked across the area to see if there were anyone else beside us. Thankfully there were none other than us.

As soon as we sat, sunbae almost reluctantly let go of my arm. I placed my hands on my lap and started fiddling with my fingers, trying not to overthink about what was happening. The silence between us seemed so loud that even the noise of party seemed distinct at some point. We didn't speak for a long time and stayed still like that. 

Though I was itching to ask about what was going on, I couldn’t. As I was afraid what would be the outcome. There were many questions running in my mind. Why did he pull me like that? Why did he glare at Jieun noona? Why was he acting like that all of a sudden?

I had my hands interacted and held on so tightly that my nails were practically piercing my skin with the pressure I was exerting on them. It was a force of habit, I couldn’t stop myself even if I wanted to.

“It will end up bleeding if you continue doing that,” Sehun sunbae said, breaking the silence.

“Hmm?” I looked up at him in confusion. He silently pointed at my hands.

“Ah! S-Sorry, i-it's a habit,” I said softly looking down at my feet.

“Why are you sorry? There is nothing wrong with having a habit, just don’t hurt yourself.” He said looking up to the sky. I silently marvelled his face under the hanging bulbs.

After a minute or so of silence he asked, “Can I ask you something?” I looked at him and just nodded.

“I hope you don't get offended. And surely, you don't have to answer me if you are uncomfortable, okay?” I nodded again. He turned slightly, facing towards me.

“Are you....,” he took a deep breath before he paused for a second, “dating… IU sunbae?” He asked.

That was the first time in my life I ever heard him fumble. He was a man with confidence and to see this side of him with uncertainty in his voice, I was slightly taken aback. But what confused me was his question.

Why would he think that I was dating IU noona? And why did it matter to him?

I shook my head as answer. 

He immediately let out a breathe of relief, his shoulder slumped as if a big weight have been lifted off them. “That's a relief,” he murmured, more to himself than me.

Wait what? What’s going on here? 

Why was he interested in my dating status? And why did he feel relieved? Why at the very first place is he talking to me? It was not like we were close, just a sunbae-hoobae relationship, at least on his part. We never talked more than few sentences before. It was always constricted to small greetings and how are you's. Then why now?

All the events were so surreal that it was making me confused and the worst part was it brought up false hopes inside of me. This, in the end, would hurt me even more than it already does.

And then a thought struck me. It was enough to shatter my heart into millions of pieces immediately. I already told myself not to bring up hopes, but, still, getting rejected even before I asked, and more over getting rejected like this is the worst.

He must be pursuing Jieun noona.

He must have heard I am close to her, so maybe he wanted to get close to her through me. That explained all the sudden attention outside the party, all this, it was now clear to me.

“Sunbaenim? I don't get it... I mean please don't get angry-” before I could even finish my sentence Sehun sunbae said something which was probably the last thing I ever expected to come out of his mouth. It shocked me out of my wits.

“I like you Jungkook-ssi,” he said looking right into my eyes.

And my reaction? Like a complete idiot, I stared at him with wide eyes, mouth hung open in shock.

“Not just as a junior, I hope you get that. And I know it is too sudden and I know it might be uncomfortable for you to get approached by a man, but my feelings are very sincere. I have been waiting for a long time. I have been looking for the right occasion to tell you but it never came and today I saw you hugging someone else...” he trailed off.

Was this really happening?

I imagined thousands of scenarios where I was confessing but not even once in my whole life I imagined this.

Here was the man with whom I fell in love with, confessing to me. The same man I thought was straight is practically saying he is gay, for me.

And what I said next was something I, till this date, regret deeply.

“Jieun noona is not just someone. She is special to me,” I said.

And the moment the words came out of my mouth his face looked hurt.

“I am sorry. And please forget what just happened.”

With that he got up and started to walk away.

I was frozen and just watched him walk away looking hurt. It registered to me what just happened. I ran towards sunbae holding on to his hand.

“Sunbaenim! Please don't go. Just-just....let's talk. Please.” I begged, looking at his dejected face.

He looked at me in silence and then finally nodded.

The moment we sat down at the bench I turned to him.

 “The reason why Jieun noona is not just someone is because she knows what I am going to tell you now sunbaenim, so please don't misunderstand.” I started. I could see a sign of relief passing through his eyes.

How I got the guts to say all those things remains to be a mystery to me.

“Sunbaenim, me too. I like you. From a long time. But I was scared to say anything. I was scared of rejection and was afraid you might be disgusted by the fact that I am gay. I never told this to anyone until now. And Jieun noona somehow managed to figure it out. That is why she is so close. There is nothing between us other than friendship. I seriously like you a lot. Not just as a senior I respect, I hope you know…” By the end of my grand confession I was a bit out of breath.

Sunbae looked at me in surprise. Unlike me, it took him not more than 15 seconds to recover. A beautiful smile spread across his face, blooming in joy. He looked down and chuckled lightly before looking back at me. He gave me his signature lopsided smile before he bought his hand to my face and slightly grazed his fingers on my right cheek.

I couldn't help but lean into his hand. He looked at me with a look which I couldn't find a word to name but it was warm and nice. It felt nice.

Slowly he moved closer and bought his lips to my forehead. Before kissing he looked into my eyes for approval. The moment I nodded slightly his soft lips met my bare forehead.

It was a very light kiss but it was certainly the most tender kiss I have ever received.

He didn’t move his lips from there for a while, letting the moment sink in, before pulling back.

He looked at me and smiled warmly, which I gladly returned.

By this time I knew my face was red with blush but it felt good. It was all so unreal but it made me feel like a giddy teenage girl.

Whatever it was, it made me feel happy. So much that I couldn't contain.

I still couldn’t believe that sunbae had feelings for me. So much so, that a person who seemed like he would rationalise everything, actually impulsively confessed. 

I chuckled. And so did he.

He pulled me closer, wrapping one arm around my shoulder.

"Hmm," he hummed, while pulling me closer. “This certainly feels good.”

It made me so blissful. I couldn’t stop smiling. My cheeks almost hurt, but it felt damn good.

5 years, for 5 years I have loved him. And this was simply unbelievable. 

I laid my head on his broad shoulder and we looked at the beautiful scenery in font of our eyes, not giving a damn about where we were or what was happening.

It felt great.

---

A/N:

 published at: _december 22nd, 2018

revisited at: _december 25th, 2021

_january 05th, 2022

_october 11th, 2023