"Jongin..."

I know that voice.

"Jongin."

Every single time, the way you say my name... Just enrapturing for me. Actually, every single thing about you is just enrapturing for me.

When I walk in that dim hallway to reach you, my steps get faster and at the end of the hallway, I see a white spot.

A small smile changes the shape of my lips.

Somehow I feel like I'm familiar to the place, hallway and...

You go to a room and with a smiling face, I also go in that room too.

Finally, the realization sneaks into my thoughts. My hand stays on the doorknob.

My eyes wander on you and I can only say your name. 

"Amaya."

*

You do not even move when I say your name, Amaya. In that room, a light of the fire consorts the color of your wedding dress. The view of the rainy night adds itself into the scene as a dark figure, and sensing the mood, I start to fear.

"Amaya." I try to speak with the huge lump in my throat. "Amaya, please look at me."

In front of the fireplace, in a period that I'm unsure about it even passed or not, you turn around for facing me. Your teary eyes and your slightly scattered black, long hair suddenly change the atmosphere between us drastically.

"Why?" Your voice is like a whisper. "Why did you do this to me, Jongin?"

Hearing your voice, I want to hug you but guilt suppresses my urge desperately.

"Love, let me explain-"

"This night..." Your arms drop down from your chest. "This night supposed to be the happiest night in my life, Jongin." Your hands grasp your wedding dress and even in the situation that might destroy us forever; I cannot help but admire you, Amaya.

You are so beautiful.

"I am so sorry-"

"Do you love her?" A few tears fall from your eyes when your voice cracks.

"I swear-"

"Do not." At that moment, noises that from downstairs, noises that belong to our guesses who will be witness of our vow, rebound on walls like an ironic contradiction. "Do not swear Jongin!" While your voice rises, I feel dizzy. "How long had you been planning to hide this from me! She is... She is carrying your child!"

You look for a thing you can lean on. The chair right beside you seems to be the best thing you can hold on to.

"Have you ever loved me?" A painful smile follows your sentence. "He was right. You are a liar. A liar, a kid who loves to play hearts."

"He?" I comb my hair with my fingers in frustration. A few locks of hair in my hand, I want to get rid of the anger rising in my chest. "Great! Now he became a savior-"

"Do you think this is important right now?" Your irony wounds my heart. "I wanted your honesty, Jongin. That was the one damn thing I asked from you. While you say you love me, kiss me, hug me..." You shake your head, getting more upset. "Do you remember? You told me once, I'm yours Amaya."

"Sweetheart-"

"No Jongin." Your tears continue to fall. "No. You were lying. You... You never belonged to me." Wiping your tears with a harsh move with your hand, your posture changes. "This relationship is over." Your determination frightens me. "Tell the guests they can go their home."

I compose myself when you leave the room. I hold your arm before you leave me completely.

"Amaya, I beg you. Please." This time I am the one who cries. "Please, do not do this to us. Let me explain."

"There is nothing to explain Jongin." You pull your arm to yourself. Holding your wedding dress with more determination, you start to run. "When everything is crystal clear."

I start to run after you. At the stairs, I catch you one more time.

"Amaya-"

"Let me go!"

"Amaya!"

"I said let me go!"

Your high pitched voice distracts everyone at the downstairs. While everyone looking at us, you pull yourself back and...

That gory voice causes the hands of the pianist hitting the ivories after I let you slip through my fingers.

*

"Jongin."

This time anger is written all over your face. There are so many dry, dark stains on your wedding dress.

"That kid... That kid was innocent."

You are always like that, Amaya. So tactful to hurt me sometimes, so beautiful to take my breath away, so strong but naïve.

"Without you, there is no feeling or no meaning in this world Amaya."

Looking at out of the corner of my eye, I see the changing view from the window. As soon as it stops raining, the moon hides its light behind the clouds. It is good for me because moonlight makes your face more clear and I do not have the courage to look at your face, Amaya.

"They are... Kid and mother-"

"Fate bereaved of them from me. Includes you."

I am an irreparable man Amaya and I do not deserve your kindness or your pure heart. You are still my dreams.

Even though I cheated on you.

"I wish we would not meet Jongin." When you take a step for me, memories that we have surround me sing their tunes like an unforgettable song. I agree with you Amaya. You have the right of wishing that. You suffered so many times because of me but...

I am an irreparable and a selfish man.

"I wish a second chance with you, Amaya."

"Let me go Jongin." Your voice gets soft.

"If you go, I cannot see you any more love."

"This time, you are not lying." First, I see your smiling face. After, you fall slowly from the stairs that appear abruptly behind you, your body touching to the ground with that gory voice.

I woke up when the clock was ticking in the middle of night, sweaty and panting. Rising from my bed I realised curtains in my bedroom moved with a light wind.

"I should have closed the window."

Kicking the thin blanket, I swung my legs from the bed and closed the window silently.

Running away from that night, house and room were the easiest solution for me. Due to my mistake, when you had gone with the angel of death, half of me also had gone with you Amaya.

For a while, there was no dream for me. In my sleep, I always was in a deep darkness and as time goes by, my hate towards to baby and that woman was building up more inside of me. For me, that woman and the baby stole our future and devastated our relationship.

What a disgusting thought, is not it?

But after this thought, you came to my dreams, at the hospital while I fell asleep. I was sad because I could not smell your beautiful scent makes me feel comfortable, your face was dull and vitality of yours was nowhere to be found.

"Unfortunately I must inform you that." said one of the doctors, while I was trying to stand up. I had woke up after the dream of you, hearing the news. "We lost the baby and baby's mother."

My back on the wall, I cried so hard just like in your funeral. And later, wearing black became one of my routines. Dying my hairs too. My hair is still blonde, just like when we met for the first time Amaya.

You loved the flowers. Flowers, nature and those colors. Sometimes I do a few landscapes and I feel like you are there with me. Recently, I sold the house. Money is still in my bank account and I do not know what am I going to do.

Nobody calls me, nobody talks to me. These do not bother me in fact. If you are in my dreams, actually in my nightmares, and I have a chance to hear your voice, it is fine for me.

I think you ask why.

This is my answer.

Sometimes, nightmares can be beautiful too.