[TW] : character death, high death count, signs(?) of PTSD, blood, gore

[A/N] : Poorly written because I was sleep deprived when I was writing this. Heavily unedited. Have low expectations so you wont be disappointed lmao.

Honestly this was just an excuse for me to imagine ssambbang looking like total badasses in the Survey Corps uniform. Had to bring out my inner Hajime Isayama for this one.

“What are you thinking of?” A voice drags Hitomi back into consciousness, her eyes blinking rapidly. 

The air around them was warm, a slight breeze wafting over them like a soft blanket. The fields are pretty again today, the flowers and grass dancing in the wind; the birds chirping; the sky bright almost as if it brings the promise of nothing but tranquility.

The brunette blinks slowly before moving her hand away from her face and sits up, looking towards her friend; the girl dressed in a white sundress with a pastel pink cardigan, a large straw hat sitting atop her head. Said girl gives her a smile, one that reaches her eyes.

She outstretches her hand towards the other girl, pulling herself up at the hand she’s been lent. “About how we’re just birds trapped in cages.” she utters out quietly, dusting off her own gown from the dirt it’s attracted from her laying on the bare grass. She catches the worried look on her friend’s face as she goes to pick up the basket sitting on the ground beside her. “Don’t you think so too, Yuri?”

“I-- it’s not like we really have a choice, Hitomi.” Yuri sighs, waiting for her friend to clean herself up before they head back to their village. “The walls are the only thing protecting us from them.” She casts her eyes downward, sorrow and pain filling up the chestnut coloured pearls.

It was true. The walls were the only thing protecting them from those monsters; the humanoid creatures whose sole purpose was to eradicate mankind, consuming them as if they were mere snacks and nothing more. They had no reason to consume them. After all, the Titans have no digestive systems. They do not need to eat to survive; they truly seemed like beasts that were created to be nothing more than a threat to mankind.

“I-” Hitomi starts, her voice trembling only slightly but the unwavering determination burning in her eyes was clear, “Next year, I’m going to enlist into the military… I’m going to join the Survey Corps.”

“Hitomi--” Yuri begins only to be cut off by a loud grunt accompanied by the sound of even louder stomping. The ground begins to shake, the two young girls losing their balance, toppling over onto the ground.

As Hitomi tries to recover from the fall, from the corner of her eyes, she sees someone running-- no, sprinting towards them. Her eyes widen when the figure grows larger-- much larger. A titan had appeared. Within the confines of Wall Maria, no less.

Panicked, the brunette frantically turns towards her friend, still strewn on the floor, her straw hat sitting and covering her face fully. There was nowhere to run; they lived out in the country, a small village almost perfectly in between the bounds of Wall Maria and Wall Rose; no officer or soldier patrolled around these grounds.

“Y-Yuri,” Hitomi manages to stammer out. She feels like she has something lodged in , the bubbling feeling of foreboding rising up from the pit of her stomach. She can barely stand, too fear ridden with the sight before her.

The titan is fast approaching, it’s footsteps getting louder and louder; the ground shaking harder and harder.

“What is that?” Yuri finally comes back to her senses, pulling the straw hat away from her face to glance up at her aghast friend. “Tomi?”she softly inquires, sitting up before feeling a particularly hot gust of wind blow over her body. 

Too terrified to even try and understand the situation, Hitomi can only watch as her best friend begins to scream in terror, fastened in the clutches of a titan, only seconds away from certain death. She watches the girl struggle, tears running down her cheeks, fist slamming against the hands of the titan, legs squirming and kicking in a hopeless attempt to escape. She could do nothing but stare as the giant brings her friend closer; said girl’s scream getting louder. It’s smile grows; whether it was happy that it can finally have food or whether it was because it can finally take another life, Hitomi didn’t know. 

Time felt like it was going painfully slow as the titan cracked open it’s jaw, leaving the girl in it’s palm so terrified she could no longer scream. It draws the girl closer, tilts its head down and…

Takes a bite.

Hitomi jerks up into a sitting position, her body covered in a layer of cold sweat. feels dry and her lips chapped. She stares down onto the palm of her hands, both laid out on her lap. She feels a wet stream run down her left cheek, only for a droplet to fall onto her open palm.

It's happening again. The memories she's once lived through have come to haunt her every night, since. A surge of unease and nausea shoots through her core, her body trembling in both fear and regret. 

"Hitoma?" a voice calls for her drowsily, still hoarse from sleep. 

The brunette feels the space beside her move, the gentle rocking of the bed and the sound of the sheets rustling momentarily pulling her attention away from the horrid dream. The bed dips at the sudden shift in weight, an arm wrapping around her waist loosely whilst the other had come up to cup her cheek gently. 

The soft hand gently guides her to look to her right, her eyes meeting concerned pools of honey-chestnut. “Hey, are you okay?” the woman beside her asks, voice softer and tinted with concern. “Did the nightmares come back?”

The brunette does nothing but slowly lean her head into the crook of Chaewon’s shoulder, giving the girl a subtle nod before wrapping her own arms around the blonde girl beside her. The soft scent of mint and vanilla filled her senses, the odour bringing her back to somewhat of a stable breathing pace, mind winding down to a familiar state of tranquility.

It's been years since the incident-- since Hitomi helplessly watched her childhood best friend be eaten alive by a titan. The guilt of it all had fallen heavy on her shoulders; the guilt of being unable to help, the guilt of being too terrified to even give her her last words, the guilt of running away instead of coming back to save whatever remains of her body to bring back to her family, the guilt of running away from the village because seeing Yuri’s parents, friends and family around the village after the incident was too much, the guilt of running and never once coming back to apologize or pay her respects.

The gut wrenching feeling burning at her core feels like it’s eating her whole and for a split second she wonders if this was what it felt like to be eaten alive by a titan, if this was what Yuri had felt in her last moments. No, the girl would have been too numb from fear to feel anything. At least that’s what Hitomi hopes the girl felt.

“Tomi, are you having those thoughts again?” 

There was no verbal response; just the simple tightening of her hold around the blonde and an attempt to burrow her head even deeper into the junction of the other’s shoulder. it was almost as if the blonde was the only thing anchoring her down from being swept away by the guilt of it all.

“It’s not your fault, Hitomi.” Chaewon prods about the topic lightly. “You were only twelve then, you didn’t know what else to do.” The words flow easily, almost as if it had become a routine between them; to which, in a sense, it has. “You’re not the same person now.” The hand previously cradling her cheek now rests on the brunette’s back, soothingly rubbing circles to help the girl calm down. 

It’s become almost like a ritual to them; every few or so nights, when the memory that haunts her would come back in the form of nightmares and her mental state could no longer bear the burden, Hitomi would rouse from her sleep with tear stained cheeks, eyes red from irritation and lips dry with anxiousness, Chaewon would anchor her back to reality, speaking familiar words of comfort that Hitomi’s grown to use as her own personal mantra whenever she faces any of the beasts.

“You’ve grown past that, Hitoma.” The blonde continues, helping the smaller girl lay back in bed, her head still comfortably resting in the crook of her neck. 

“You’re stronger now.”

The words have been said to her a hundred times over yet she still can’t seem to believe them. What difference does it make that she’s stronger now? That doesn’t alter the fact that her best friend was gone, that she was nothing but a useless bystander that merely watched as the other girl had her entire life painfully stripped away from her. 

“That… that doesn’t change the fact that I let her die.” Hitomi finally chokes out through ragged breaths. “It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still the coward that stood there and watch her be eaten alive ten years ago.”

Suddenly, Hitomi feels a firm grip rest on her shoulders. The blonde pulls her away, forcefully removing Hitomi from the junction of her neck and gently presses their foreheads together, making sure she catches the brunette’s eyes in the process.

“You’re not the same girl from ten years ago, Hitoma.” Chaewon declares in a soft yet confident whisper. “Ten years ago, you were Honda Hitomi, a helpless twelve year old girl from a tiny village within Wall Maria.” the blonde pauses to wipe a tear away with the padding of her thumb gently. “You were young. You were helpless. You were scared. You did what anybody would’ve done if they had to go through the same thing, regardless of their age.” She pauses once again, making sure the brunette still has her eyes on her. “But now? You’re Honda Hitomi, Lance Corporal and Senior Team Leader of the Scout Regiment. You’re Honda Hitomi, the single known Team Leader to have no casualties within your squad since you’ve taken on the position. You’re Honda Hitomi, the pride and hope of the Scout Regiment of the East Division-- of mankind. You are Honda Hitomi, the woman who proudly wears the Wings of Liberty insignia on her back, endangering her own life every time she leaves the safety of these walls.” Chaewon pulls away briefly, her eyes filled to the brim with pride and affection. She places a chaste kiss on the brunette’s forehead before letting the girl crumble back into her embrace, nuzzling her nose into Hitomi’s crown.

“Now, You’re Honda Hitomi, the love of my life…” She takes in the soft milky-peach scent the smaller girl’s hair exudes, lips pulled into a smile that has only ever been directed towards the girl in her arms. “... and the sole reason I’m still alive.”

There was a chill in the air; a shiver running down Chaewon’s spine as she watched a hoard of 3 to 4 metre titans roam around the city from the rooftop, their limbs carelessly flinging about, destroying any nearby structures. Debris filled the air, speckles of ashes and glimpses of fire and smoke was all she could see aside from the corpses of the fallen comrades that were strewn over the rooftops; their bodies only barely recognizable and covered in blood.

Another Titan had breached the walls; roughly around 15 metres tall, its body covered in what seemed to be armour. Despite not having graduated yet, all of the cadets were deployed under the Garrison Regiment with most of them being placed in middle guard. As many of the veteran soldiers were deployed in either the vanguard or the rear guard position, a cadet was chosen from every squad to act as team leader, bearing the responsibility of the lives of their fellow comrades. Chaewon, after having showcased her ability to act quick on her feet and manifest strategies on the move during drills whilst training with the Cadet Corps, was (unfortunately) chosen to become the captain for her squad.

After having run into two larger 10 metre class Titans, her group had been divided into two. 

“Minhee, Sian, formation A!” she shouts to the two squad members that had stayed with her, hoping her voice was loud enough to reach them.

She watches from the air as the two grapple onto the giant’s calves, slinging their body close enough to the monster for them to slice it’s achilles tendons with their blades before she herself pulled the trigger on her Omni-Directional Maneuver gear, the grappling hook deeply rooted into the Titan’s nape. Another pull of the trigger and she’s speeding through the air, the winches on both sides of her hips quickly reeling into the main housing of her ODM. Her palms tighten around the grips of her blades and slashes deep into the beast’s flesh, cutting off a good chunk and watches as it flies through the air, the behemoth’s body falling face first onto the ground with a loud thud. Without a hitch, the three retreat, regrouping on a nearby rooftop that was out of reach from any titans in the vicinity.

“Captain…” Minhee calls out, voice soaked with fear and anxiety, “I’m almost out of gas.” He announces, knocking his knuckles against the metal cylinder and sure enough, a hollow sound rang through the air.

“Chae, I’m almost out too.” Sian adds, “And we still haven’t found Hitomi and Hangyul yet.”

There's an aggressive ringing in Chaewon's ear; a telltale sign that she's under extreme stress. With two members having disappeared and her current sub-squad almost out of gas, there's only so much she can do. 

“You got any plans, Chae?” Sian utters nonchalantly, sounding rather hopeless.

“One.” She answers, her voice dropping. “But I can’t guarantee your lives.” She turns back to her two squad members, both of them pale in the face, Minhee looking particularly sick to the stomach. She understands the fear that’s coursing through their veins, after all, all of them were practically in the same boat; she steels herself to say the next words, hoping sounding so cruel and cold-hearted won’t leave a bitter taste in and turn the two against her.

“Or would you rather die a coward and wait until one of them comes over and turn you into their afternoon snack?”

She hears an audible gulp on Minhee’s part and a scoff coming from Sian. 

"You could've at least sugar coated it for the kid." Sian says, now standing beside her, the older girl's hand resting on her shoulder, quirking her head towards the boy, watching quietly as he struggles to take the situation in. 

“You can’t sugar coat a situation like this.” The sentence is uttered resolutely but Chaewon can’t help but release the words softly.

Another soft, defeated sigh escapes Sian’s lips, “I guess you’re right.” She turns back to the boy who’s body is now pressed up against a stone chimney, hands tightly gripping his head. "Oi, Minhee, would you rather sit here and wait for your death or do you wanna survive?”

“...survive.” He manages to stammer out through ragged breaths, “ But-- but, Chaewon said she can’t--”

“You should have known you were waging your life the second you enlisted in the Cadet Corps.” Sian manages to put forth flatly, “Now get up and follow Chaewon’s orders if you want to go home and see your parents again.” 

There’s a brief moment of pause because she hears the tiles clanking against each other and the sound of footsteps move towards the two girls.

“... I’ll go.” There’s still a quiet tremor in the boy’s voice.

Sian turns back to her and nods, asking her to explain the plan.

***

The three soon find themselves on a rooftop covered in dead bodies; their faces unrecognizable and their clothes blood stained. Most of the corpses were nothing but a few limbs here and there; occasionally they would find an entire corpse, the only thing removed was it’s head.

“Is… is this really okay, Captain?” Minhee sounds rather regretful.

“How much gas do you each have left in your tanks?” Chaewon answers with another question, refusing to look at the boy that had first prompted the question.

All three remaining members of her squad pull the triggers to their ODM gear, letting the gas escape the main piston housing that’s at their lower back; the exhaust letting the gas out with a loud whir.

“I’m empty.” Minhee answers, barely any noise coming from his gear.

“I should have enough to take down one titan if I’m being efficient.” Sian responds curtly.

“And I’m just about empty.” Chaewon announces before looking up at the other two, “Sian, you stand on watch out while Minhee and I look for bodies that still have their ODM gear intact.” 

The group once again begins to move, Chaewon and Minhee scanning the large rooftop for any corpses that had their ODM gear while Sian kept patrolling the area surrounding them for titans. After having searched for 10 minutes, Minhee spots two bodies crushed under a boulder, their lower bodies sticking out from under the giant rock.

“Take their gas tanks and switch them out with yours!” Chaewon screams, running towards the boulder, falling to her knees and skidding to a stop in front of the two corpses. But before she could even unlatch the gas tanks from their gear she hears a scream behind her and to her horror, she sees Sian in the hands of a 15 metre titan; arms stuck within its wraps and her blades by her feet.

The girl has tears running down her face, frantically thrashing about in the hands of the titan. She’s screaming; for her life, for forgiveness, for her parents, for safety. 

How? Chaewon helplessly begins to wonder, petrified at the sight before her. How did it get here? Sian should've been able to take it down— she should've seen it coming and— and then the realisation hits her. The titan was sitting atop the roof with them, sprawled on all fours. The titan was an abnormal. It must've flown through the air and snuck up on them and caught Sian before she could even react—

"Captain! Sian is—!" Minhee screeches, voice hoarse.

Chaewon herself can't believe what she's about to say, "Take the gas tanks and run!" 

"But Sian is—!" 

"We can't help her!" Chaewon turns back to the corpse and quickly rustles through the gear, unlatching the gas tank and replacing it with her own, "Unless you want to die with her, she'll have to be our bait!" 

She doesn't mean it. She doesn't want the other girl to die. She doesn't want to see anymore of her friends dead. She doesn't want to finish this operation and come back to find all of the people she's lived with for the past three years lifeless and decaying. She doesn't—

A painful cracking sound rings through the air and she can hear the boy beside her gasp in terror. The blonde turns back and finds Sian's lifeless body broken in two. 

Panicked, Chaewon rushes to turn back and replace the other gas tank as quickly as possible, screaming at Minhee to hurry and exchange his own. She snaps the tank into its position, quickly setting the valve so it would release the right amount of pressure when she flies through the air.

Her breath halts at the sudden gust of scorching hot air that blows against her, a knot forming in and an indescribable feeling of dread spreading through her core. She tilts her head up and quickly scrambles backwards when she finds herself nose to nose with a titan, the corners of it's lips quirked up into a -eating grin. 

Suddenly Chaewon feels like a kid again, cornered by the bullies that would always come to hunt her down and steal the food she's bought for her family. She is brought back to the memories of sitting on the dirt, cowering in fear as the kids taunted her, kicking her pathetic little body with all their might; the ploughs always leaving her with bruises that lasted for weeks on end. She's brought back to having the same fear pierce through her body like a spear, unable to move any of her limbs. 

The titan is slow, it's hand moving to take hold of Chaewon's body; and all the girl could do was watch. No matter how much we tell ourselves we wouldn't react a certain way in a situation, no one will ever know if it's true or not until the time comes where the situation does happen which it's no surprise that despite the fact that Chaewon had been telling herself that she would no longer cower in the face of the enemy, she's nothing but a statue sitting in front of one; seconds away from her losing her life much like her other comrades have. 

Just as the blonde finally begins to accept her fate, she hears a familiar whizzing sound coming from behind her followed by the unmistakable sound of a grappling hook. Within a blink of an eye, she sees another soldier appear within her field of view, zapping in close to the monster, spinning much like a top with their blades shining from the sunlight. Like a rotating saw, the soldier easily shreds the beast's arm then quickly readjust their position and maneuvers into grappling straight onto the titan's neck, taking out a chunk of its flesh. 

The gigantus being howls in pain before falling limp against the structure, Chaewon finally taking in a breath she didn't even know she was holding. Everything comes rushing back to her, her head spinning from the impact of it all. Her eyes trail up from the tip of the soldier's bloodstained blades, finally meeting the eyes of the opposing party.

"Can you stand?" Hitomi asks, dropping her blade to lend the blonde her hand that was steaming from the quickly evaporating blood. 

"Y'know, despite all the chaos that was happening around us and the blood that was staining your face, you seemed like you shone that day." Hitomi's breathing had finally calmed down but the soothing pats Chaewon gave her continued. 

The air around them had grown still and comforting, somehow feeling warm and cozy. There was nothing but the soft noises of their breaths filling up the space between the walls of the room and the gentle flickering of flames from the candle Chaewon had lit sometime during their little nostalgia trip. 

"Hitoma, I know sometimes you might feel like you are still that little girl standing in that field but you’re not. You’ve saved more lives than you can imagine. You saved my life." Chaewon's voice grows softer than it's ever been, overflowing with love and affection: encouragement and sympathy. "I know it's hard bearing the weight of everyone's expectations but you're the embodiment of hope for mankind, the embodiment of the Survey Corps insignia. Without you, almost the entirety of the Eastern Division would've been wiped out. If it weren't for you, we wouldn't have been able to come back telling everybody mankind has finally taken its first victory and reclaimed Wall Maria. If it weren't for you…" Chaewon drifts off slowly, meeting Hitomi eye to eye before peppering the smaller girl's face with soft, comforting kisses. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be able to hold you like this; to love you like this. I owe you my life, Hitomi." She whispers softly before pressing a firm yet gentle kiss to the brunette's forehead. 

"I know I've never been very good at giving you comforting words, Hitoma, but just know that you are enough. You aren't weak. You're a fighter. You're a warrior. You're—" 

The smaller girl tightens her arms around the blonde, burrowing her face into the older girl's collarbone, effectively cutting Chaewon off. 

"I'm sorry," She stutters through her breaths, "I'm sorry to have to make you do this almost every night. You should be asleep right now, resting so you can be prepared for tomorrow's mission." Hitomi's voice is barely audible and soft but unlike Chaewon's, it's ridden with fear and anxiety. "I'm sorry I'm such a burden—" she stops when she feels a pair of lips cover her own. 

Chaewon has crept her arm up Hitomi's back to gently cradle the younger girl's head, deepening the kiss as she tries to convey all of the things she wanted to tell the girl but couldn't put into words. It's gentle; Chaewon pressing firmly enough for her to deliver her feelings across passionately but still soft enough for the brunette to feel an immense sense of comfort. The two pull away when Hitomi wads a ball of the blonde's shirt within her hand, both slightly out of breath and while Hitomi's gaze was still soft and vulnerable, Chaewon's had a newfound fire in them. 

"You're not a burden— you're never a burden. Please don't let anyone tell you that; not others, not yourself. I do this because I want to. I do this because I care about you. I do this because I love you. I don't mind losing an hour of sleep for your sake. I don't care how many times I need to repeat my words as long as they get to you." Chaewon's tone is resolute; because everything she says is true. 

The room stills and for a second the blonde thinks time has stopped. The girl in her arms had grown quiet, her breath steady and stable, the arms around her had grown just a tad looser. 

A beat of silence passes before Hitomi speaks. 

"Thank you."

The words are plain and simple but Chaewon can feel the meaning and amount of gratitude behind them. After all, the two were alike in the sense that neither of them had the best time with words, rather choosing to convey their feelings through actions. 

The blonde cradles the girl closer to her, pulling the blanket up to their chins, pressing a chaste kiss to the girl's temple when she sees the girl finally drift back to sleep. 

"Anytime, Hitoma."

[A/N] : yeah that was a word vomit. 

i am so sorry yuri, sian and minhee stans please dont hate me (._.;)