A 90s hit plays on the radio.

The volume’s turned down. Seulgi shifts uncomfortably in the backseat. The music’s too unobtrusive to distract her from the awkwardness. Kai drums his fingers to the beat on the steering wheel. He whistles a few bars, and from time to time he peeps her at the rear view mirror: hair tied neatly into a ponytail, eyes wandering around but to him, and listlessly peeling her chapped lips. The silence between them is thick and heavy, they could slice it with a butter knife.

It’s Friday, and the conclusion of their exam week. They decided to hang out downtown for half of the day. Seulgi thought Krystal would already be in the Buick, but Kai said she ran back to the building to use the comfort room. For the same reason, Seulgi didn’t wait for Sehun to finish the test and went ahead. She left the class ten minutes early. Getting stuck alone with Kai has never happened to her before.

“Have you—”

“Doesn’t it—”

“No, you go first,” he urges, tousling his hair with the fingers he drummed on the steering wheel. Just to keep his hands busy.

“Have you been attending dance club meetings?” asks Seulgi. It’s the only thing that she knows they have in common. That she’s aware of, at least. She joined last school year upon Ten’s (a long-faced boy with a broad, warm smile) prodding, after presenting a dance number with him and a few chosen students for Acquaintance Day. She proved herself with an urban dance and passed the auditions.

With a dry chuckle, Kai answers, “No, I quit halfway through in the past year. I couldn’t commit, not with the demanding baseball practices coming along the way.”

“Oh, I didn’t know,” she confesses, cheeks flushing a little. It now makes sense why she only saw him a couple of times. She hasn’t been able to visit the particular school club that much either. “Maybe I should leave, too. To focus on soccer.”

The music fades and switches to a piano ballad. Outside, a passing ball of cloud shrouds the sun’s glare. Dimness takes over shortly on the parking lot, like when a plane roams above and its shadow falls below. A small, brown bird perches on the hood of the car. Seulgi watches it poke the hood with its beak through the windscreen before it takes off.

“That wouldn’t be so bad,” Kai utters impassively. At the back of his head, he actually dreaded this would happen between them. He and Seulgi are only together when all of them in the circle are together. He has nothing to say to her. It’s not that he has animosity toward her; in fact, it’s indifference, but it might be just as bad.

He had been indifferent to her the moment Krystal declared they were a couple.

And with her timid, small mouth and tongue stiff with effort, Seulgi keeps the conversation alive with a question, “Didn’t you want to ask me something?”

“Oh,” Kai mutters, as if he had forgotten. “Doesn’t it hurt peeling the skin off your lips?”

It somehow lessens the strain of tension for her, but she thought he had something in mind that wasn’t rather arbitrary, or a threadbare attempt at a more comfortable and casual chat.

“Sometimes,” she replies curtly. The air has been colder and drier lately, so there’s barely moisture on her lips. Conscious of the remark, she proceeds to her lips, and drops her hands on her lap. Lip balm just wasn’t her thing.

Through the windscreen, they see two figures poke above a sea of glinting cars, meters away. Jinri, long hair fluttering in the wind, and Sehun, shoulders broad and posture steady and straight.

“Took them long enough,” comments Kai, with a sigh so palpable it makes Seulgi bite her lower lip. Like he ought to make it apparent he hated any second more with her.

Sehun pries the backdoor open, and Jinri goes in and sits with a plop next to Seulgi. He shuts the door, then rides shotgun. Complains, “I ran out of time at the essay part.” He fumbles for the seat belt and hooks it with a click.

“I got stuck in it too. Don’t be a sod,” Jinri chimes in. She’s more lively and enthusiastic today. Different from the groggy and sleepy tiredness she had shown recently. “By the way, where’s Krystal?”

“Comfort room,” Kai answers immediately. He checks the time on the dashboard, and approximates she’s been gone for almost twenty minutes now. Odd. “She should be back by now.”

Jinri sighs, “What could be taking her long?”

Krystal rushed to the comfort room. Crouched over the toilet bowl, she heard loud, heavy steps come in and swing the cubicle doors open one by one, sparing hers. She didn’t think much of it. Then, she flushes the toilet bowl, before she washes her hand in the sink. When she raises her head to look at the mirror, she sees another person come out of the cubicle next to the one she used.

Joohyun walks over to the door and locks it gently. Says, “We have to talk.” Her voice’s shaky, tremulous.

“About what?” Krystal asks with sincere curiosity. She pulls from a roll of tissue on its holder, and wipes her hands. She chucks the soiled toilet paper into the trash bin. She followed me and made sure nobody else is around. Gutsy.

Joohyun huffs, jittery, palms clammy. She has gone over it in her head a hundred times. She can’t balk now. “I know.”

“You know what?” Krystal asks, slightly tilting her head, brows pulled at the middle. Slowly, she inches toward Joohyun. Step by menacing step.

“You... cheating on Seulgi,” Joohyun croaks. It’s not that she’s scared; it’s just that it is completely an uncharted territory. She can’t gauge how deep she is getting her feet stuck in. But she doesn’t budge from where she stands and squares her shoulders. “Stop lying to her.”

Krystal grabs her by the collar and backs her against the tiled wall with a shove. How does she kno— For a second a hint of worry flashed on her face, then, knowing she can’t show guilt, she springs back to being aggrieved. She twists the collar in her grasp even tighter.

Joohyun feels as though her spine and ribs got pressed together. She grunts and winces, a twinge of pain washing over before it fades. She grips Krystal’s hand and chortles, “What, are you going to hurt me?”

“Haven’t you learned anything the last time?” Krystal answers, angrily. 

“You’re the one who hasn’t learned anything the last time,” Joohyun jeers. It makes her feel a bit better having said that to her face.

“Stop wasting my time with nonsense,” Krystal admonishes. She tries to rifle her brain, thinking of how that could be possible. Joohyun knowing something so confidential, so private. How?

Joohyun finds it a little difficult to breathe, but that doesn’t faze her. “You’re a foul, cheating ,” she insults through gritted teeth.

Krystal’s eyes widen, almost bulging out in fury. Her hand grips Joohyun’s collar higher and harder, the buttons almost popping out of her blouse. With the other hand she grabs Joohyun’s ponytail. Joohyun yelps, and tries to take her hand off. Krystal whispers into her ear and dares, “Try saying that again.”

“You cheated on Seulgi,” Joohyun drawls, panting. Her scalp is aching from being pulled down. For a moment it scared her that Krystal might really tear her hair off. “Have you forgotten the cameras that are filming the sink area?”

Krystal looks up, to the corner of the ceiling with an attached CCTV. She lets go of Joohyun with a slight push, and glares. Backpedals, “What do you want from me?”

Through ragged breathing, Joohyun chuckles, “So you admit it.” She fixes her crumpled blouse and pushes her hair away from her face.

“No, I want to know what you want. You’re clearly stirring up over a... lie,” Krystal reasons out with a straight face. You aren’t smart, and not even half as cunning as I am. .

Joohyun snorts derisively, “Do you think I’m bluffing?” She can see Krystal bubbling with rage under that controlled facade. Kai isn’t lying; she trusts him that much. Even if he’s a grade A madly in love with an unfaithful cheerleader. He wants to have Krystal for himself, she deduced. It doesn’t matter if he’s using her. Seulgi does not deserve to be deceived anymore. “Break up with Seulgi. You can go quietly, without anybody else knowing what kind of person you are. I’d give you that much. Otherwise, I’ll make sure Seulgi and every student in this goddamned campus know.”

“You —”

A ringtone interrupts their exchange.

Krystal takes out her phone from her pocket and puts it on her ear. She’s red, sweating, at the brink of knocking the daylights out of someone. And it’s Seulgi on the other end, asking her whereabouts. “I’m sorry. I bumped into a junior and I didn’t expect our chat would take long,” she lies. Hangs up without another word.

“That’s what I want,” Joohyun says, with a hard voice, and slides her tie off her rumpled hair.

Krystal answers, “I’ll get back to you” before unlocking the door to leave.

Joohyun exhales sharply in front of the mirror. Releasing all the tension she’s been holding back. She notices the top button of her wrinkled blouse gone. She looks so thrashed up that she almost wants to cry. What even is happening to me? 

When they pull over in front of a Korean barbecue restaurant, Krystal asks the other three to go ahead while she’d stay behind in the car with Kai who’s looking for a parking space. Just to accompany him. But of course, that wasn’t all true.

“Joohyun knows,” she discloses, almost a complain. She leans her head on the window, brows furrowed while staring at the busy street.

Kai flits his eye at the rear view mirror, and deeply sighs. He was aware it was coming. Joohyun is unstoppable. He was not wrong about her at all. It was just a hunch—her thing for Seulgi—but it luckily worked to his favor. “She knows what?”

“About us,” Krystal grumbles.

No, she doesn’t. At least she doesn’t know it’s me, but he omits that before he lets out a nasty snicker, like there’s something awfully hilarious about the situation. “Are you sure?”

“Are you ing kidding me? I’m not joking. What’s there to laugh about?” she upbraids. He was always odd; the way he doesn’t take things seriously. As if it were all a game. It irritated her to a degree. He should be unnerved, and afraid. Shaken to the core.

“Joohyun... that girl,” he deflects, hitting the brake down the end of the street. He surveys the left side, and makes a careful turn. “She does surprise me in ways I don’t expect.” It definitely baffles him why she went to Krystal instead of just revealing it to Seulgi. It seems to be a lapse in judgment. That, or he overestimated her and she isn’t bold enough after all.

Krystal pouts, thoroughly upset. It’s like there’s steam coming off her head. “I don’t understand how she could possibly know. I need to shut her up.”

Kai is getting tired of how unrelenting Krystal is being. But he knows he can’t do anything when she has made up her mind about something, or someone. “And what are you going to do? Kill her?”

“Did you— Have you gone mad?” Krystal asks, looking at him incredulously. “Seriously?”

“, I was just kidding. What did she tell you?”

“I don’t know why you’re calm, that’s strange,” accuses Krystal. Those words hang in the air for a few seconds. Kai doesn’t react, and just lets the silence fall between them. She then crosses her arms and says, “She told me to break up with Seulgi.”

She finds it hard to fathom why Joohyun cares about Seulgi that much. They don’t know each other well. Joohyun must really just want to rile her up, for no good reason. And it pains her to admit that she does get on her nerves.

“Then why don’t you?” Kai asks, finally finding a spot. He tries to parallel park next to a sidewalk running along a vacant lot.

“I have no reason to,” she mumbles.

He picks up her answer and chuckles bitterly, “Krystal, you have every reason to.”

“Shut up,” she spat. Krystal’s confident that Joohyun doesn’t have a proof. She made out with Kai only once in campus. It was that morning, behind the school building. It happened on a whim, she was simply thrilled to make out in public, but still away from prying eyes. Nobody saw them, she was sure. It was way too early in the damn morning.

“Just don’t kill her, alright?” Kai quips again.

At the barbecue restaurant, the three are waiting in their booth for their orders to be served.

Sehun taps his pointy finger on the table languidly. Across him Seulgi’s fiddling with her phone, and beside him Jinri’s checking her nails like it’s the most interesting to look at. Well, perhaps anything’s more interesting than the three of left to themselves, mute and unconcerned.

“At last, the first wave of exams is done with,” he bubbles. He hits the table with a fist for effect, and to grab their attention, of course.

Seulgi lifts her head with half-open, staring dumbly, undecided on whether to speak up or not. And since Jinri doesn’t stir, she pipes in with, “Uhm, yeah.”

“What about you, Jinri?” Sehun asks.

Jinri rolls her eyes and offhandedly says, “I just want to get this done with and go home.”

Sehun and Seulgi stare perplexed at each other, taken aback with the answer that they don’t bother Jinri again until Krystal and Kai arrives.

A hubbub swells in the vastly spacious common hall.

Jinri wades her way through the throng of students. “Not bad,” she whispers to herself. Tacked on the cork bulletin board is the list of rankings for their class. She made it at thirteen. Not like she has ever dropped out of the top twenty.

She spots Joy, craning her neck way at the back. She taps her shoulder and yells, “You ranked first.”

Joy covers in surprise and stares at Jinri wide-eyed. “Really?! Oh my god!” She peels herself away from the crowd and busts into a jig as she nears Sana. “Hey! I did it! I got the top spot!”

Sana answers with small rapid claps. “That's great! Congrats!”

Jinri, who had wanted to congratulate Joy, didn’t think she could shoehorn herself into their exchange. Out of the corner of her eye she spots Krystal, who appears to be glum, and she’s unsure of whether to approach her or not. Krystal seems to have her troubles lately, but Jinri has no idea because they don’t really talk anymore like they used to. And besides, she muses while she watches Seulgi slip beside Krystal, she has totally forgotten about me.

Jinri takes a glimpse of them one last time before heading back to the classroom. Something within her feels miserable, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. There were a lot of things to be happy about, and yet--

On the way upstairs, she accidentally bumps into Chanyeol, who’s running opposite downstairs. He shyly tells her he’s sorry then scoots off. That tall, lanky dude she got paired with for a chemistry project.

And he thinks she doesn’t know that he likes her.

It shouldn’t be a frustrating Monday morning.

But Krystal dashes to the comfort room, swings each cubicle door open, then locks the door when the coast is clear. She leans her hands on the sink, and watches herself weep in the mirror. Her eyes wet with tears. Lips pulled down. Sniffling.

It shouldn’t be bad. Being eleventh place should render her far from being miserable. But all she could think about is how disappointed her parents would be, particularly her father, once they learn she couldn’t even hold within the top ten.

She’s always going to be in the shadow of her older sister who has never dipped below the top five, led a few academic clubs, and got sent to competitions. Got accepted in the most prestigious university in the country. Always favored. And here she is, trying hard to do well, but could not even come close.

This world appreciates the results, and not the effort.

Her dad couldn’t even pretend to be happy for her when she told him she was chosen to be the captain for the cheering squad. Mocked how it’s for students who are obtuse. She had let it slide. He’s an old man with archaic world view. Yet she still craves for his validation, like a damned fate she couldn’t escape.

Then, she hears a knock. She hastily wipes her tears with the back of her hands. Turns on the faucet and splashes water to her face, then dries it with a paper towel.

When she comes out, she finds Seulgi waiting for her outside. Another girl, miffed, goes in snootily. Her girlfriend, worry in her voice, asks her, “What’s wrong?” before holding her hand and rubbing a thumb over her knuckles.

“I got something stuck in my eye that I had to wash off,” Krystal lies.

If there’s anything she won’t do, it would be showing her vulnerability.

“How’d the date went, by the way?” asks Baekhyun, putting an arm around Junmyeon, who’s immersed in watching their bout of darts. “Thought I’d forget it, huh?”

“Date, my .” Junmyeon scratches his head in annoyance and groans, “If looks could kill, I’d have been dead.”

The three of them are at the club room after class. Tao went home early. Joohyun said she’s got something else to do than idle around and play darts. (“Really?” Chanyeol had asked in disbelief. “Is this the Joohyun we know?”) So here they are, idling around and playing darts. After the exam week they thought it’d be nice to relax together.

“What the heck is that answer?” Chanyeol questions as he throws a dart. Double sixteen.

“She literally looked at me like she wanted me dead,” Junmyeon murmurs. Since that day he isn’t even sure how he’d go about Joohyun anymore. She has just never seemed to be interested in relationships, particularly the romantic sort. He is almost certain she developed a resentment against guys for teasing her “cabbage” back then.

“The hell did you do to her?” Baekhyun asks, perplexed. He jots down the score on the whiteboard and waits for Chanyeol’s last throw before adding them up. Then he subtracts it from the guy’s remaining points.

Junmyeon mumbles, “Pat her head?”

This makes Chanyeol snort. There’s nothing unusual there. It’s Joohyun. “It’s going to take a while before she sees you in a different light.”

“I doubt she would,” utters Baekhyun, glancing sheepishly at Junmyeon as he positions himself steps away from the dart board. “No offense.”

Junmyeon just shakes his head.

“Have you guys seen Kyungsoo?” inquires the tall guy. He was alone in his room the past week. But his roommate’s things are still there, untouched. He hadn’t bothered searching for his contact number from other people, thinking he just needed some time away from living in the campus, but he might just do it later if he still isn’t back by then.

Baekhyun lands a dart at twelve, between the triple and double ring. “The penguin?”

“Penguin?” Chanyeol creases his forehead.

“He looks like a penguin. But to answer your question, no I haven’t. Does anybody really see him? He’s like a ghost. Just coming and going with hardly a word to anyone,” Baekhyun says, hitting a double ten on the dart board.

It was hopeless. Chanyeol turns to look at Junmyeon for any helpful information but he just shrugs and whines, “What do I know? I never had word with him.”

That guy, where could he be? thought Chanyeol.

Joohyun spends the rest of the afternoon at the bleachers. High above from the field, where the soccer team are having a practice game. It’s the first time she really watches Seulgi play. Long hair tied up, decked in one of her jersey uniforms, and her eyes much sharper when she focuses. Running, running, dribbling, skidding, then kicking. Pants and heaves in the small window of time she could.

How cool, thought Joohyun. She puffs her cheeks and blows air through . Oblivious to the hint of red creeping up on her cheeks.

Until now, it’s difficult for her to reconcile the fact that someone like her is friends with Kang Seulgi. Seulgi could’ve antagonized her for hurting her girlfriend but she didn’t. She could’ve shunned Joohyun but instead, she even welcomed her shenanigans.

When the practice finished just before six, Joohyun stood up and tried to catch Seulgi’s attention. However, before she could attempt to raise her hand, the athlete is already staring at her from down below. She blushes in spite of herself and tucks her hand back. She sees Seulgi say good bye to Sehun, who glances at her briefly, then watches Seulgi hurry up the steps to meet her.

“What’s up?” asks Seulgi. She studies Joohyun’s face, and notices how larger her eyes seem than usual. More doe-eyed, sparkly. Her cheeks bright pink, healthy. “You’re glowing.”

“W-what are you saying...” Joohyun stutters, the flush lining her cheeks more evident. The dim fluorescent lights aren’t helping. By then, the sun has set and it’s dusky and chilly. “Anyway, I came here to talk.”

They both sit down on the bleacher. Bags on their laps. Staring out into the distance, the green field that’s now black. Joohyun rubs her palms together from the cold and blows wet breaths over her knuckles.

“Do you remember the time you asked me what it was that I was afraid of?” Joohyun asks, tilting her head toward the soccer captain.

Seulgi nods. “Uh hm.”

“I was afraid I’d lose you that easy,” Joohyun confesses. She lowers her eyes to her lap where she fidgets with her fingers on her skirt. And with that, she suddenly feels like things are falling into place and the stars are aligning. “No, don’t say anything. Hear me out. I know we met at a strange circumstance. I know you should’ve have hated me. But you didn’t, and it all made the difference, you know?

I approached you again because I wanted something from you. You, who’s unsuspecting, who’s tolerating me for the third time, and who’s ready to lend me a hand. I want to apologize for that,” Joohyun rambles on. She pitiably looks up at Seulgi who just stares at her with utmost curiosity.

Seulgi, flattered than she would let on, stretches an arm, and grins, “No worries. You are a nice person, believe me. And you shouldn’t be afraid. I’m just going to be here.”

Joohyun holds a closed fist to her chest. She’s nervous. There’s a loud thumping within her, which must be her heart. “I’m not afraid anymore, Seulgi.”

The cold breeze starts to sting the bareness of her legs. Seulgi’s warm, modest gaze lingers on Joohyun, wanting to ask why she’s being told all this. But perhaps it’s better that some things are left unsaid. So many things have changed since they first met. She would have never thought they’d become too familiar with each other in a short time.

Joohyun zips her bag open and plucks a paper from her notebook. With a pen, she writes some words down. The evening is steady. Blue and deep. And she folds the paper and hands it to Seulgi.

I promise to be a good friend to you.

“I promise the same,” Seulgi utters, hands clutching both sides of the note she unfolded. She folds it back again, carefully, and slips it in her folder inside her backpack.

Joohyun purses her lips and swings her feet. Giddy, shy. She has never really done that. Pour her heart out and offer her words. And she thinks she knows why, but it’s too soon for her to admit. Right now, all she knows that whatever happens, she’ll be there for Seulgi.

“You honestly scare me a little,” Seulgi chuckles. She stands up and beckons Joohyun to do the same. “But I think this is good. And I don’t think I should hide this from Krystal anymore.” Her girlfriend might hate Joohyun, but there’s no point keeping her friendship with Joohyun from her anymore. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Right.

Slinging the strap of her bag on her shoulder, Joohyun says, “It’s not your fault.”

They descend the bleachers side by side. The weight of uncertainty lifted off their backs and shoulders. The field becomes empty then, save for the dancing little moths near the lampposts.

Chanyeol groans. He slumps on his desk chair, dejected. He walked all the way to the studio, but didn’t see Kyungsoo, not even his shadow. Wendy told him he has been absent from their rehearsals since last Saturday. , he had cussed, then dragged his arse back to the meandering path to the dorm.

He then inquired the dormitory manager over the counter. The pot-bellied man with a receding hairline said Kyungsoo left him a slip that he went home two weekends ago, and he hasn’t clocked in back since then. He then asked for a contact number. The manager answers that the kid doesn’t own a phone. Chanyeol was given the parent’s phone number. Somebody picked up from the other line but told him they don’t know who he’s looking for. The number was fake.

“Was that guy a con man?” Chanyeol wonders out loud. Was he a ghost, like Baekhyun said? He shudders, and gooseprickles crawls over his arms. He looks around the room, topsy-turvy for he hasn’t tidied up for days now. “God, if you’re a ing ghost, stop bugging me.”

He decides to clean up their room to distract himself. It’s a productive way to kill time anyway. So he picks up the shirts and pants that has spilled from his laundry basket, throws the papers and wrappers scattered on the floor into the waste bin. He finds some loose change and keeps it in his pocket. Then he picks up the broom and sweeps the dust and dirt off the floor. After that he arranges his desk. When he lifts his calculus book, something falls. He picks it up and inspects it. A neatly folded letter, bent on its corners.

He settles down on the bed and reads. His face goes from horrid confusion to dread. Tears well up his eyes. “No, no, no,” he splutters.

I didn’t want to write you a letter. But I thought it would be unfair to leave without a proper goodbye. I am not going back, for good. I am thankful I had a friend, even for a short period of time. In fact, you're the only real friend I made in my entire stay in that school. I thought you were annoying, but nobody else has been persistent to befriend me like you did. Thank you for not telling on me, about the milk. I lived another day because of you. Forgive me for being poetic, but the world is dark, deep down, when you really try to look beyond the surface. But people like you make it bearable. I hope you never see the world for what it is, like I did.

I'd like to give you an advice. I guess it's because you have been telling me things but I did not to respond to them. I think you should pursue Jinri on your own instead of making ways for others to do it for you. Go for it. Don't be scared. Stop telling yourself you're a coward. Let go. And about that other thing you told me... Kai and Krystal? I'd give advice just the same. You know in your heart what's right. Don't be afraid to do the right thing.

Thank you, Chanyeol.

And goodbye.

Kyungsoo