“So then what happened?” Jackson asked eagerly, hanging on to Mark's every word. “Did you kiss him?”

“No, I walked out of the room and let him take his shower.”

“WHAT?!?! BOOOOOOO!”

“Do you want me to tell you this story accurately, Jackson, or do you want me to write up this totally heart stopping fiction where I'm some kind of suave hero who seduces guys in the bathroom of someone else's house?”

“Can I hear the fictional version first so I can get some feels in before I'm forced to listen to the boring, no-action version?”

“Request denied.”

“Fine, jerk.” Jackson snorted in annoyance. “What happened post-shower?”

“I took my own shower after him. When I came out, Jinyoung was passed out asleep on the couch and Yugyeom was sleeping in the arm chair. It was still raining, so I decided to take a nap on the floor-”

“Why not on the couch with Jinyoung?”

“There wasn't room. Anyways, by time I woke up, the rain had stopped. Wonpil drove us all back to our apartments. The end.”

“Well. That was anti-climactic. I thought there would at least be one kiss.” Jackson's pout slipped back into a smug smile. “But at least there's one good thing from this. You totally realize how into him you are now, right?”

Mark nodded, a bit stiffly. It was hard enough to admit this to himself, much less to someone else.

“Well, the good news about that is that Park Jinyoung is like crazy into you back. Everyone can see it.”

“I noticed,” Mark said. That was one of the weird parts about the whole thing: he was already sure beyond a doubt that Jinyoung wanted to be with him. He'd had an inkling that was true in the back of his mind even back when Jinyoung had shown up at GuacMan the day after their first date. He'd ignored it back then because he hadn't wanted it to be true, but now it seemed so clear. Jinyoung must have liked something about him during that freaking awkward date and had made the conscious effort not to let Mark slip away before they properly got to know each other. And he knew now that this wasn't something Jinyoung would do without reason since he'd been more than happy to let his five previous dates go without ever seeing them again.

“You did?” Jackson asked. “How uncharacteristically perceptive.”

“Shut up.”

“So...you like him. He likes you. I fail to understand why there's no smooching and confessions and subsequent fun time in the bedroom resulting from all of this.”

“You think I should just lay that all on him right now considering the way I am? I'm not an idiot, Jackson. If he thought it would be that easy, he would have just told me how he felt ages ago instead of playing the long game with me. And the reason we're playing the long game is because I still haven't let go of what happened in the past. And until I let go of that, I can't expect to just ask for someone else's future.”

Jackson's expression got serious. “You fell in love with someone else, didn't you? Doesn't that mean you've let go?”

“No.” He sighed. “It's not just about Youngjae and being able to love someone else. I knew that part wasn't impossible. It's the part about investing everything into something that I could one day lose that I might not be able to do.”

“You're too afraid of Jinyoung breaking up with you to date him?”

Mark shook his head. “No. I'm afraid that if we do go out and wind up breaking up for whatever reason, the exact same thing will happen. I'll let it ruin everything all the way back to the beginning. I'll get so bitter that I won't be able to remember anything the way it was anymore, and every single memory involving him will be something I'll come to hate. Going down the creek, sitting on the bridge, that moment in the bathroom...I'll just look back on it all as a waste of time, something that led to nothing and had no real meaning.” He buried his head in his hands. “I don't want for that to happen. I don't want to lose the way it is right now or forget how much I love him and how much everything he's done for me matters so much. I don't want my head to ruin even that when it's the best thing I've ever been able to feel in my entire life.”

Before saying anything, Jackson reached out to pat Mark on the back gently. He was usually such a verbal person, but perhaps there were no proper words to respond to this. You couldn't just simply say 'I know how you feel' or 'that's completely unreasonable' and expect it to solve everything. It was ingrained too deeply for the words of someone not directly involved to sort it out so easily.

“Do you really want to just not have him at all for fear of it being ruined eventually?” Jackson asked quietly after awhile.

“I know that's not the answer either,” Mark said. “Just...I still don't know what is the answer. It's like I don't want to go back, but I can't move forward either. I don't want to hurt him. He's been so kind and patient and good...and I don't want to hurt myself either. I just want us to be us in a way that I'll always be able to treasure, no matter what happens.”

“Well. That's a good goal. You just have to figure out how to reach it.” Jackson paused thoughtfully. “I don't suppose a party environment is the best setting for you lovebirds to talk this out, but you do remember that we've got that house party coming up, right?”

“We do?”

“Yeah. Jaebum's friend invited him, Jaebum invited me, and I invited you and Bammie. I also went behind your back and invited Jinyoung. I thought you two would need another nudge to get together. I didn't think you'd figure that out on your own beforehand.”

“But we still have to go?” Going to a college house party was the absolute last thing Mark wanted to do with his life. He couldn't imagine having a particularly enlightening conversation with Jinyoung surrounded by drunks getting drunker with their beer games and sloppy kisses with random hookups on the sofa.

“It's still an excuse to be with Jinyoung, right? Any progress you two make is still progress, even if it's small.”

“Fine,” Mark said resignedly. He wasn't entirely against spending more time with Jinyoung, and it would give him someone to talk to when Jackson and BamBam inevitably bailed on him.

“Nope, don’t use that ‘I’m absolutely not going to enjoy myself or do anything worthwhile with this opportunity’ voice with me, Tuan,” Jackson said. “Because here’s what you’re going to do. Jinyoung has been very patient and encouraging with you, and while I know he’s doing it because he wants to for your sake, you are not going to let that go unrewarded, right? So I suggest you pull that sweetheart of yours aside at the party and give him this same status update you gave me. Tell him about what you’re feeling and let him know that although you haven’t handled everything you need to work on, you’re falling for him hardcore. And then when Jinyoung stops celebrating, the two of you can get into that dark headspace of yours and work out what can be done to get you in the right place for this mentally. I’m sure Jinyoung would be more than happy to help you with that.”

“At a house party?” Mark asked. “Don’t you think that can wait for an occasion when we’re not surrounded by drunk idiots?”

“Come on, we all know you’re going to retreat to a quiet corner after the first twenty minutes anyways, especially since you won’t know over half of the people there. Might as well take Jinyoung into that corner with you and have a little heart-to-heart. You do know the sooner it’s all out in the air, the sooner you two get to move from conversation to action, right? You’ve been staring at his lips when you talk to him for so long that I have to assume you’re dying to know what they taste like.”

Mark couldn’t exactly refute that. He’d been single for about three years now, and his body was feeling the absence full force now that his heart had reawakened. He’d thought about it nonstop the afternoon he’d spent at Wonpil’s, how nice it would be to take Jinyoung up on all his nonverbal offers and cross the physical distance even before the emotional and mental problems were solved. But he knew that wouldn’t be fair. Jinyoung wasn’t reaching out to him lightly, and Mark didn’t want to give him less than he deserved.

“I’ll talk to him,” Mark said finally. “I guess it would help me to know what he’s thinking, too. For the life of me, I still can’t figure out what made him want to see me a second time when I actually considered fleeing out the restroom window halfway through our date.”

“I can help you with that,” Jackson said, excitedly whipping his phone out of his pocket. “Take a look at what Jinyoung said after I sent him your photo and information when I first suggested having you come in for the date instead.”

Mark glanced at Jackson’s phone when he pulled up the screen and read the message:

Jinyoung: Soo…you, the person who I matched with accidentally but who still demanded going on a date with me even though we’re not compatible just because you liked my picture, have changed your mind and decided to set me up with someone who actually seems compatible with me, looks like THAT, and is, according to you, one of the kindest and most genuine people you know? WHERE IS THE DOWNSIDE? OF COURSE I’LL GO ON A DATE WITH HIM!!!

“See, I gave you such an incredible sales pitch while still being realistic about your bad points that he was THAT excited to meet you from the start,” Jackson bragged. “I’m assuming he saw little glimpses of all the good points I mentioned that first time meeting you and thought they were worth a second chance of attempting to make them more than just glimpses. Or, he’s just really, really shallow and banked everything on your face.”

Mark felt more than a little bit amazed to hear this. He’d just assumed that Jinyoung would have had as many reservations about going into that date as he did, not that he would be just as enthusiastic about being set up as Jackson had been about setting them up to begin with.

“I guess we really should talk, then,” he said dazedly. “I guess there’s a lot of things I still don’t know yet from his side of things. That’s what I get for saying we should avoid questions about dating when playing truth or truth.”

“I’m sure once you open up questions about that, you’ll be hearing a lot of enjoyable answers,” Jackson said. “Maybe that will help fix your mentality a bit. When you realize how loved you are, it’s going to get harder and harder to run away from it.”

Mark checked the address on his phone for the billionth time and rang the doorbell. He knew it was the right place since he could hear the loud cheering and thumping bass of dance music coming through the door, but he didn’t want it to be the right place since it meant the party was already set to be a wild one. He could already feel a slight headache building just imagining it.

A few seconds later, the door was thrown open and a guy Mark didn’t know greeted him. “Hey, what’s up?” the guy said cheerily, sticking out his fist for Mark to bump. “Don’t recognize you, but welcome aboard. I’m Youngjae.”

Of all the names in the world, it had to be that one, Mark thought, wincing internally. “I’m Mark.”

“Oh, oh, oh, you’re Jaebum’s boyfriend’s best friend, right? They’re in the kitchen right now if you want to say hello. They’ve been waiting for you and the guy you’re bringing…Jinyoung?” He glanced behind Mark, looking for his expected guest.

“He’s driving separately,” Mark explained. He’d had a study group with Wonpil in the afternoon, and Wonpil would be dropping him off later. “He said he’d be another half-an-hour or something?”

“Well, we’ll save some beer for him. Come on in.”

Mark stepped inside and followed the-non-Youngjae-Youngjae’s directions to the kitchen. It was already quite crowded, but he spotted Jaebum and Jackson near the chip bowl with BamBam and headed over.

“Heeeey, you made it!” BamBam said brightly. “Long time no see, bro! You’ve totally been breaking the bros before hoes code and hanging out with your new flame and ignoring me. Where is he, anyways?”

“Not here yet, and not my ‘new flame’. Officially. Plus he’s not a hoe.”

“You won’t know that for sure until you get him out of the streets and into the sheets,” BamBam said sagely. “Good boys can be hoes, too.”

“OK…” Mark turned to Jaebum. “When he gets here, is there any quiet place in the house we could go?”

Jaebum’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow, you’re actually planning on hooking up for the first time at a stranger’s house? That’s bold of you.”

“No, not that!” Mark said, his face flaming. “I have something I need to talk to him about, that’s all.”

“Well, Youngjae’s dad has an office on the first floor, attached to the TV room. There’s a couch in there. It’s pretty cozy.”

Mark nodded. It would probably be taken by a couple if they weren’t quick about it, but since the party had just started, maybe they would luck out.

He stayed in the kitchen chatting with the three of them for a while, occasionally checking his phone to see if there were any updates from Jinyoung. The room was hot and he was starting to get thirsty, so after a time he excused himself and went to hunt down the beer cooler.

Grabbing a can was easy enough—there was a group of non-Youngjae-Youngjae’s friends zealously passing them out to anyone who got near the cooler—but weaving his way through the crowd to get back proved to be more challenging. It felt like he was being stopped every five seconds by someone who wanted to introduce themselves (usually girls) and guys he didn’t know trying to wrangle him into being on their team for various drinking games. As soon as he found a mostly empty hallway, he gratefully bolted into it to catch his breath and reorient himself to where he actually was in the house. He was just about to check his phone one more time while he wasn’t being jostled around by strangers to see if Jinyoung had messaged him, when he heard a soft voice from behind him.

“Mark?”

His entire body jolted as if he’d been struck by lightning. He knew that voice. It was quieter than he was used to hearing it, but still very much the same as the voice which haunted his memories for the past few years. It felt strange, almost wrong to be hearing it outside of the confines of his head after so long. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for the ghost of that past to become real again.

Still, he turned around with robotic stiffness to look him in the eye. Youngjae. His Youngjae this time, back in the real world. There was a rush of emotion in that first glance: the fierce flare of bitterness and anger, a pang of unresolved hurt, a dull echo of the thud that looking at his face had used to cause, a sense of loyal happiness that he looked well immediately followed by a petty desire for him to look as terrible as he’d made Mark feel. The contradictions of it all made it impossible for him to say how he really felt, but whatever they were, the feelings were crushing and made it hard for him to breathe.

He took a moment for the emotions to even out, trying to collect his unsteady breath. “Youngjae,” he said when he was finally able to speak. “You’re back.”

“It really is you, isn’t it, Mark?” Youngjae asked, his voice sounding more disbelieving than anything. “I mean, Jaebum mentioned he was dating someone who knew you and that you were still living around here, but…somehow, I couldn’t imagine actually seeing you again. Like, it just didn’t even feel possible. But here you are.”

“Yes. Here I am.”

They were silent for a moment. Youngjae glanced at him, visibly nervous, then stared down at his feet. “You seem to be doing well. I mean, you look good. I don’t mean that like I’m saying you’re hot—I mean, you are, but that’s not what I’m trying to say. You just look…well.”

“You, too,” Mark said. It was almost a relief that Youngjae was being this awkward. It made him feel a little better about himself.

“Do I? Because frankly I feel like I’m about to vomit.” He tittered nervously, than snapped his mouth shut. “Um.”

“When did you move back?” Mark asked, trying for some fairly neutral territory. They both could do with some calming down.

“Beginning of the school year. I didn’t actually want to move away in the first place—that was my parents’ thing. So as soon as I could, I wanted to come back.” He frowned. “I probably should have told you I was coming back, right? That would have been the nice thing to do.”

“I don’t know. It would probably have felt weird, hearing from you out of the blue. We haven’t talked once since…you know.”

Youngjae cringed. “Right. It would have been weird. It would have sounded like I was trying to…I don’t know. But you’re right.” They fell silent again for a moment before Youngjae cleared his throat. “I kind of wanted to talk to you about that, actually. I feel like…like we did everything stupidly back then. Like we talked to each other all wrong and that’s why we’re still all weird like this even now. It’s been three years. We should be smacking each other on the back and catching up on old times and what we’re doing now, not wanting to sink into the floor and die. But…I don’t know about you, but I haven’t really…come to terms with it, I guess.”

Mark exhaled, leaning against the wall and taking a much needed sip of beer. Here it comes. “Same with me.”

“Then…I’ll just come right out and say it to you. You already know that my parents moving was entirely out of my control, right? I was really upset about that, especially because I knew it would mess things up with us. And we were starting to get really serious back then, so the timing couldn’t have been worse. So before we had that talk about it, I was already fighting 24/7 with my family and in a constant bad mood. I was worried that if I left, the two of us would break up, and I really, really did not want to break up.”

Mark felt a sudden flash of annoyance. “Could have fooled me,” he said coolly. “Considering you were the one who basically asked to break up.”

“I never said ‘Let’s break up’ ever to you,” Youngjae protested. “I’m not lying or rewriting history here. I did not want to break up with you, even though I couldn’t get out of moving away.”

“You may not have said it in so many words, but you literally sat me down and told me ‘I don’t think long distance is going to work for us.’”

“That was the part where you were supposed to tell me that you were up for making it work,” Youngjae said, suddenly looking a bit pissed himself. “Look, Mark. I was wild about you back then. But I couldn’t tell if you felt even a fraction for me what I felt for you, because you never told me. I thought you were probably in love with me, but just weren’t good at expressing it verbally compared to through action. And that was OK for a while, but I was starting to get worried that you weren’t as serious about it as I was. I thought you just needed a push to be able to say it to me properly. That if you felt even the slightest hint of a break up, you would finally get passionate enough to fight it and tell me that you loved me too much to let me go. But you didn’t.” His annoyance shifted abruptly into anguish, a raw and still aching anguish Mark recognized all too well. “You just said ‘OK. It’s not going to work.’ You didn’t put up a single second of fight. And that’s when I started thinking, God. Close to three years together, and he doesn’t care if this is how it ends. Three years, and I couldn’t make him love me properly. What were we even doing with all that time together?”

Youngjae was starting to sniffle now, and took a moment to collect himself. “I was so angry with you for a long time. I wondered why you had wasted my time when you didn’t even love me that much. I couldn’t stand that a relationship that had meant so much to me had ended that way…so easily, so emotionlessly. I was so upset that it took me this long to even begin to consider what must have really been going through your head and the possibility that I may have gotten you wrong or misunderstood your reaction. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t stop thinking about you or us for all that time.”

Mark felt like he had been punched in the stomach. That casual break up line of Youngjae’s that had nearly permanently wrecked him had been because Youngjae had wanted him to fight it? And he’d consequentially blown their entire relationship by not recognizing that? He didn’t know who to be more infuriated with—Youngjae or himself. Why had Youngjae expressed it so ambiguously, and why hadn’t he himself taken a single moment to question it?

“You want to know what it was like from my side?” Mark asked numbly. “When you told me it wasn’t going to work for us, I took that to mean you weren’t even going to bother giving me the chance to try. I thought you were telling me you didn’t believe I could do it, so better just to write me off right away than to let it play out. That’s what I thought. That’s why I agreed to break up, because I didn’t see the point of fighting if you thought so little of me. I was sure you couldn’t possibly love me as much as I loved you if you didn’t think I was even worth the benefit of the doubt.” He swallowed hard, tears clouding his own vision. “I did the same thing as you. I just got so angry, that it poisoned everything having to do with you. I felt like you had left me with absolutely nothing. Like everything I had felt or done with you was completely meaningless. I thought that none of the time we had spent together mattered, that love in general didn’t matter. But…”

It felt like the floodgates were opening and he was going to start sobbing, big messy sobs that would draw attention to them. He bit his lip hard, blinking desperately. So many things were clicking into place now that he had both sides of the story. His own emotions and reactions began to finally become clearer. He saw that he was wrong—he and Youngjae had both been terribly, terribly wrong. That time hadn’t been a waste. It hadn’t been meaningless. It had been concluded stupidly and bullheadedly, but not from a lack of love, but from a lack of being able to communicate it.

“It mattered,” Mark said hoarsely, finally, finally admitting it to himself. “It mattered so much. You mattered so much, and that’s why i hurt so much and still hurts so much. Not because we wasted our time and not because there was nothing left behind when it was over, but because everything that was left behind was too painful to accept. We both knew it, but lied to ourselves and turned it into this…this huge, ugly mess it is now.”

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae said in a choked voice. “If I had just asked you properly…”

“No. I should have just told you.”

“We’re probably both to blame. God.” Youngjae threw his head back. “All that time we could have had…and it’s gone now. That’s the true wasted time. Not when we were together, but when we were apart. And now…” He frowned miserably. “I haven’t been with anyone else. I couldn’t be with anyone else. But you…Jaebum told me you started seeing someone recently?”

“Not officially,” Mark said as he always did, before realizing suddenly this was not an answer to give casually. Youngjae was asking to know for certain if it was completely done between them or if there was still a chance for them to try again and get things right. And because of the reckless answer he’d given in the past, he owed it to both Youngjae and Jinyoung to answer honestly this time. Was he still at all in love with Youngjae, now that he knew Youngjae had loved him much more than he’d ever given him credit for? And if so, what did that do to the love he felt for Jinyoung?

Jinyoung…Mark felt a sharp ache in his heart. Jinyoung, who he’d been scared to embrace entirely for fear of ruining his memories of him as much as he’d ruined his memories of Youngjae. How could he look at it like that now, now that he knew? Jinyoung mattered. Everything they’d done together and felt for each other was real and beautiful, and even if it one day changed, it wouldn’t change the fact that it had existed and mattered in moments of his life and had shaped the path he’d taken. It was impossible for something which defined so much to be entirely meaningless. He couldn’t refuse to love Jinyoung for fear of that. He couldn’t hold back his love when that was the real reason why everything had been destroyed in the past.

As for Youngjae, he could freely admit now to having loved him very, very much. And that love would always exist in its original state in his past, and a part of it would always be carried within who Mark was now. He would never really know if they’d still be together or not at this moment if they’d been more honest with each other back then. But he knew his love right now was for someone else. The person he wanted to be with on this path they’d chosen once was not Youngjae anymore.

“Not officially,” Mark said again, “but I’m planning on making it official with him soon. I think I’m capable of that now. I love him with all my heart, and I think that this time I can be strong enough to never leave him in doubt of that.”

“OK,” Youngjae said. He smiled, but Mark could see new tears b in his eyes. “I’m happy for you. And if you’re strong enough to find someone else, I guess I will be, too. One day. And I’m sure it’s an incredible person who helped you feel that kind of strength. I’d like to meet him some day.”

“He’s here, actually.”

“I don’t mean now!” Youngjae said, looking suddenly horrified. “That would be terrible! I’d probably wind up hating him on principle and spending all night sobbing and getting drunk—give me some time, for the love of god! And wait for me to get a hot new boyfriend first, or else I’ll feel pathetic!”

Mark laughed, glad to hear the evidence of Youngjae’s sense of humor creeping out. He was sure now that they’d cleared the air, Youngjae would find a way to find his strength, too. “I’ll be cheering for you,” he said sincerely. “You deserve the hottest out there, OK?”

“Then I absolutely won’t settle for less.” Youngjae squared his shoulders. “Ahem. I still feel like crying, so I’m going to go off and do that somewhere for a little bit. Just…thank you. So much. For back when we were together. And for now, too. I’m glad you loved me, and I'm glad I can understand now how much. I’m glad I loved you, too. I won’t think of it badly ever again, that we got to be in love with each other for a few beautiful years of our lives.” The tears started flowing out, and he covered his eyes. “OKMarkbye!” With that, he ran for the stairs and went into one of the bedrooms, shutting the door behind him.

Mark felt very much like doing the same. He found a vacant bathroom and let the rest of his residual tears fall down. He hadn’t cried when he and Youngjae had broken up three years ago, which now felt like a stupid thing to deny himself. It had been a sad thing. It had hurt more than anything else he’d gone through. Why shouldn’t he have cried? Why did he have to replace all the sadness with anger when he had deserved the chance to properly grieve what he’d lost?

He got those tears out now, then carefully washed his splotchy face. There was still something left to be done. He needed to talk to Jinyoung. He needed to tell him how he felt and explain to him what he had just realized. He needed to inform him right away that he wasn’t going to hold anything back or live in fear of what love had once turned him into anymore. He was never going to allow himself to be that bitter, blinded person ever again.

Once his face was looking tolerable again, Mark checked his phone to see if Jinyoung had ever messaged. The “I'm here” message had come ten minutes ago, followed by a message with a single question mark and nothing after. Mark quickly popped out of the bathroom, heading towards the kitchen to see if Jinyoung had run into Jackson, Jaebum, and BamBam there. When he arrived, he couldn't see any sign of Jinyoung, but he did spot BamBam stuffing his face with appetizers.

“Hey, BamBam,” Mark said. “Did you guys run into Jinyoung earlier?”

“Yeah. I've gotta say Mark, he seems really nice. I 100% approve. Still, I don't think he likes parties very much. He looked very uncomfortable when I saw him.”

“Where is he now?”

“He wanted to go somewhere quiet for awhile. I told him about the den Jaebum mentioned earlier, so he should still be there.”

“Thanks, BamBam. I'll catch you later.”

Mark once again made his way back to the TV room and found a closed door that looked like the entrance to the office Jaebum had mentioned. He gave it a light courtesy knock, then pulled it open to step inside.

Jinyoung was sitting with his legs up on the couch, arms wrapped around his knees and pulling them against his chest as he stared heavily up at the ceiling. His eyes traveled slowly over to Mark, his face strangely tired as if just a little over ten minutes of the party had exhausted him completely. A tiny smile flitted across his lips, and he extended his hand to pat the small coffee table next to the couch, gesturing for Mark to sit. “Hey,” he said. Even his voice sounded tired.

“Hey,” Mark said back, plopping down on the table. “Sorry I didn't respond to your text earlier. Something unexpected-”

"Mark." Jinyoung quickly placed a hand on his knee, cutting him off. “I...I need to tell you something. Now. Before I lose my nerve to do it. Will you listen to me for a second?”

Mark nodded. “What is it?”

Jinyoung unfolded his body a little so he could look at Mark head on. Mark was surprised to see that he was trembling a little, entirely devoid of the confidence and teasing demeanor he usually addressed Mark with.

“I want to be honest with you," he said quietly after a moment. "Maybe because my sister engrained that into me with the whole pinky promise thing, I don't know, but I know I've done a crap job of it at times. I was worried from the beginning that you'd always be closed to me if I couldn't find a way to break in. And maybe to do that, I tried too hard to make you think I was the kind of person without the kind of doubts you had that would add to them and make them worse. I know you saw it some times. The fact that being with you overcame me so much that I could barely breathe and function when you were around, because I wanted you to like me so much and I thought I'd blow it in seconds if I didn't make a careful effort not to cross that line you were so afraid of. It wasn't always easy. I'm not a naturally brave person. There are things I would have wanted to hide from you for a while, if things had been different. Parts of me I wouldn't have wanted you to know about before you saw the better sides of me. But still... I promised myself I wouldn't be another thing to hurt your heart any more than it was already hurt. So I've been trying really, really hard to be as honest with you as possible. I want you to be able to trust in me and lean on me and believe in me when you need it. So I'm going to keep trying to be honest, even when it's hard for me to do.” He closed his eyes, taking a breath. “And because I still want to be honest, I have to tell you the truth. I don't want to push you. I don't want you to come to me before you're ready or demand anything you can't give right now. But I...I found my breaking point, finally. The one thing I wasn't strong enough to take from you. So even though I know this is selfish, I have to ask you...”

He took Mark's hand, nearly crushing it in his grip. His expression turned pleading, as if he was willing to get on his hands and knees if this wasn't enough. “If there's even the slightest possibility in you that you could someday love me more than you loved him...then...please. Don't talk to him anymore. I know you should. That maybe you two could fall in love a second time and you would figure out how to be happy again. But I...” The next words came out in a whisper. “I don't want you to. Watching you together made me so sick with the thought that it would always be him and never be me. I wanted you to choose me. I wanted to be the one who made you happy again.”

Not long ago, Mark would have instantly felt an embarrassed horror at the thought of Jinyoung watching that exchange with Youngjae and would have been sent off into a stammering explanation of what had happened to set his mind at ease. But right then and there, he felt a light, ecstatic feeling inside that what Jinyoung was asking for was something he could give without stumbling or deferring or desperately seeking for words he didn't have. He had the words now, and all the right feelings. All it would take was a second to put him out of his misery.

“Jinyoung,” he said softly. This time he fitted both of his hands over Jinyoung's, the way Jinyoung always did to him. “You don't have to gamble on a 'slight possibility.' And you don't have to be worried about anything Youngjae and I said to each other. Because I told him exactly what I'm going to tell you right now. That I love you." His heart pounded as he said the words at last, amazed at how right it felt to put them out in the open. When he'd been with Youngjae in the past, it had felt excessive to say them, as if pairing the constant verbal reminders with the constant display of love through his actions would render them insincere, a way of laying it on too thick for it to be genuine. But his silence had left Youngjae in doubt and forced to fill in the blanks on his own. He didn't want to do that to Jinyoung, not when the simple act of being honest healed so much. "I want to be open and honest with you from now on so you can lean on me and believe in me, too.” He pulled Jinyoung closer to him a little. “You've made me so unbelievably happy, in a way I didn't think I'd ever feel again. The one I'm choosing is you.”

Jinyoung's eyes widened a little, his mouth falling open. “Y-You are?” he whispered.

“Yes. I am." He lifted one of his hands, gently Jinyoung's cheek. "I don't want to live in a nightmare of the past or a dream of the future. I'm ready to be right here, now. With you."

Closing his eyes, he leaned in and pressed a slow kiss against Jinyoung's lips. It had been so long since he'd connected with someone like this that he'd almost forgotten what it felt like, but as soon as they touched, he felt another reawakening, a caged up part of him tearing the lock open and flying wild, overjoyed to finally taste the feeling of being free. Jinyoung was still at first, still seeming to be a little bit in shock, but he quickly melded into Mark, responding to his touch with his own overwhelming burst of emotion, the excitement of at last getting to have what he'd been longing and waiting for.

Mark pulled away slightly, resting his forehead against Jinyoung's. “Are you choosing me, too?” he asked.

In place of an answer, Jinyoung grabbed Mark's face in his hands and pulled him in for another kiss, shifting his position on the couch so he could yank Mark onto it with him. Mark wrapped his arms around Jinyoung, delightfully aware of the feel of his body as it pressed against him, kissing him deeper and losing himself to the flood of excited sensations. Most were his own, but some felt like they originated from Jinyoung himself. A wave of relief, a gratified sigh that his effort had taken him where he wanted to go, a rush of satisfaction that Mark not only loved him, but had found the answer that had released him from his unhappiness through him.

Their hands began to wander over each other, taking tentative steps to feel each other out. Jinyoung's started on his shoulders, then wandered to his neck and back to his sensitive nape, tripping down the knobs of his spine until Mark literally felt shivers coarsing through him. He held Jinyoung by his hips, fingers slowly digging into the soft flesh and wondering what it would feel like to travel up his bare stomach, to feel the places that Jinyoung was so shy about and find all the unexplored places no one else would get to see.

They were still kissing when they heard the door opening suddenly, filling their quiet space with a loud blast of noise from the party outside before the door shut again. They pulled apart, yanked out of their private world abruptly as they looked up to see who had stumbled upon them in their intimate moment. The intruders were another kissing couple too wrapped up to notice someone else was there until Jinyoung cleared his throat and they also broke apart in shock. It was Jackson and Jaebum, and as soon as Jackson got over his surprise at having barged in on them accidentally, he noticed Jinyoung's position in Mark's arms and the close proximity of their faces and grinned in wild delight.

“Oh my god, you guys!” he started to yell. “You d-”

Jaebum clapped a hand over Jackson's mouth, shutting him up. “Sorry about that, you guys,” he said calmly. “We'll go somewhere else. Carry on.” As he attempted to drag Jackson out of the room, Mark thought he could hear Jackson's muffled voice trying to shriek something like “MARK, CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE!”

Oh, I'm going to call you all right, Mark thought grimly. With the date and time of your death for cutting into this when it was getting good.

He turned back to Jinyoung, feeling slightly anxious. But Jinyoung was still smiling at him, and reached up to trail his finger along Mark's jaw. “Hey,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“How would you like to go to my apartment?”

“W-What?” Mark asked, caught off guard.

“If we stay here, we're just going to keep on getting interrupted. It's noisy, and I barely know anyone and I don't really want to focus on some meaningless party right now. Your ex-boyfriend is here, and I'm still...” He trailed off. “I want to be alone with you.”

Mark could understand that, at least. “OK,” he said, swallowing. “I'll take you home.”

Their hands entwined, Mark pulled Jinyoung out to the street and found his colorful food truck in the cluster of cars lining the neighborhood. Jinyoung hopped in, and Mark buckled in beside him, still feeling a little light headed at the atmosphere between them.

“Tell me,” Jinyoung said as Mark fired up the engine. “Tell me what the two of you said. How you found your answer.”

So Mark told him. It was hard at points, and it felt like he still had tears in him left to cry, but he got the story out and explained to Jinyoung his mistakes and everything he'd learned from them. Jinyoung was also crying by time he finished, reaching out to touch him on the knee.

“You're sure?” Jinyoung asked in a thick voice. “You're sure I'm the right answer to all of this? I can't believe I'm asking this, but...I don't want you to regret anything anymore.”

“I'm sure,” Mark said firmly. “I've never been more sure of anything before.”

He pulled up to Jinyoung's apartment, and like always, Jinyoung grabbed his hand and squeezed it in both of his. “You woke up from your dream,” he said, his voice still watery. “I want to give you a reality that exceeds anything you've ever had or thought of having. Will you come with me?”

Mark lifted his other hand and pressed it over Jinyoung's, squeezing back. The last missing piece to this ritual of theirs which turned it from a goodbye to a continuation. “I'll come with you,” he said softly.

Jinyoung took him into his apartment, which was small but cozy, filled with candles and books and various art prints on the wall. Mark took a moment to study it, getting a feeling that he would be becoming very familiar with it in the future.

“Like it?” Jinyoung asked, still holding onto his hand. He was never one who was quick to let go.

“It matches well with you.”

“Yes. Just like you do.” He tugged Mark towards the couch and pulled him onto it, settling into his arms. “You were exactly what I was looking for,” he breathed, grabbing Mark by the front of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss, slow and testing like their first. When Mark quickly responded to him, it grew thicker again, their hands sliding against each other's bodies, learning the shape of each other. Mark loved the way Jinyoung felt, so strong and hard in some places, and yet so soft and yielding in others. He loved the slight details he could feel, the subtle tremors, the rise of goosebumps in certain places he touched, the way his body jerked slightly whenever Mark's fingers brushed against somewhere sensitive. The low, intimate hum when their lips separated that spoke of both satisfaction and greedy want.

“Mark,” Jinyoung said in a low and stirring voice. “I'm not going to repeat any mistakes of the past with you. Every day you're with me, you're going to feel how much I love you.” He pressed a kiss against Mark's neck, then trailed his tongue up it slowly. “And I'll tell you however many times you need to hear it. Over and over again. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Mark murmured. He knew he'd have to match Jinyoung word for word on this. He hadn't been honest when it had counted with Youngjae. He wasn't going to do the same to Jinyoung. “I don't mind if that's the only question you ask me anymore. It'll always be the same answer.”

“Mmmm.” Jinyoung lifted up to kiss him again, this time consciously moving his body in a separate but equally intimate embrace. He wrapped his legs around Mark, squeezing him with them and then gently rocking his body to create friction between them. Mark gasped into their kiss, but Jinyoung didn't break away from him, just sighed happily and kissed him harder, their bodies sliding together in a way that made Mark's head go blank.

After another moment, Mark pulled away quickly, sliding partially off Jinyoung. “Um,” he said, catching his breath. “Maybe we should cool off a little bit?” he said feebly.

He was worried this pull back would alarm Jinyoung, but to his surprise, Jinyoung simply smiled in pleasure at having gotten Mark heated up at all. “And deny me the enjoyment of getting you excited for me?” he asked.

“I don't think you'll have any trouble making it happen again,” Mark muttered, a bit flustered. “It's just...I think too much is happening all in one day. I don't want to rush it.”

“It's not rushing in my viewpoint. I've only been waiting for this since day one.” He laughed lightly. “But I understand. I don't want to overwhelm you either. Not too much.” Still, he pulled Mark back into his arms. “Roll us over, all right?”

Mark did, almost throwing Jinyoung off the couch in the process, which set them off into ridiculous peals of laughter. Once Mark had his back against the arm rest with Jinyoung on top of him, Jinyoung sank down, snuggling against Mark's chest and giving Mark room to wrap both of his arms around him. He glanced up at Mark from this snug position, both his lips and eyes smiling. “Let's play our game for now,” he said. “And this time asking questions about dating is perfectly acceptable. Your turn.”

“What made you want to see me again after the second date?”

“You have the kind of face that makes someone want to see it again,” Jinyoung . “But I suppose it was a combination of things. The fact that a part of you wanted to run from me, but you didn't. That cloud of sorrow around you that held me back from being able to connect with you in the way I wanted. The promise of homemade tacos. The fact that you drove me home right at the moment I thought you would bolt so you wouldn't have to see me ever again.. And yes, your face. A blend of all those things, probably. Why didn't you run, by the way?”

“Because I was sure you'd use it as a dating horror story with the next guy you went out with if I did.”

Jinyoung laughed in surprise. “Highly probable that I would have, too. Not that I can compute the thought of a 'next guy' right now. I did actually go ahead and delete the app after I met you. It felt like I was done looking, after that.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” He turned his head, kissing the bit of skin near Mark's collar which his shirt exposed. “Ask me something else.”

“What did you tell Wonpil and Yugyeom about me before I met them?”

Jinyoung snorted. “You're asking that?”

“They were acting weird. I figured you must have said something.”

“Well. After we started hanging out, I might have started referring to you as 'my future boyfriend.' So when they met you, I reminded them a million times you weren't actually mine yet and they weren't supposed to make it obvious how into you I was in case it freaked you out. They didn't do a very good job of it, unfortunately.” He tsked in annoyance. “My turn. Did you want to kiss me that day?”

“Pretty badly. Did you want me to?”

“More like I wanted you to strip me and shower together. I knew neither was going to happen anyways. It wasn't the right time.” He nuzzled his cheek against Mark's chest. “What was your first impression of me, by the way?”

“The first time I saw your picture on Jackson's phone or the first time I saw you in person?”

“Both.”

“When I saw the picture, I thought you were cute. When I saw you in person, your smile froze me in place.”

Jinyoung grinned. “Good answer. Your turn."

"You mentioned before about the fact that I had noticed those times when you lost your cool around me... so that's what that time in the car was about? You looked pretty edgy compared to normal, so much so that it really left an impression."

"Ah, you're talking about when you drove me home one of the first few times. You really want me to explain that? Isn't it a pretty typical way of losing your cool on a date?"

"Um, well, since my method of losing my cool is plotting bathroom escapes, perhaps I don't know the more common ways."

Jinyoung sighed. "I already told you about how I was worried about not having a second chance with you if you found me boring on the onset, right? So when we were together, I put my all into communicating with you in a way that wouldn't show you how freaked and desperate I was. And doing that takes effort, right? You have to push your nerves off and shove your self-doubts in the back of your mind. But by the end of the dates, when your attention was focused on something else like driving me back...it would just all kind of hit me at once, the fact that I was in the same space with you—especially an enclosed space like a car where I could almost feel your body heat and nearness—that I'd gotten to see you again and you weren't telling me to go away. The nerves would come back and I'd have to remind myself to function and breathe like a normal person. I couldn't just keep acting calmly indefinitely when you were around, OK? But if I had known you'd see it, I would have tried a bit harder."

"I'm glad you didn't. I liked getting to see those sides of you. It made me feel a little less alone in my anxiety."

"Well. Then feel free to imagine to yourself the shambles I was in whenever I shut my apartment door behind me every time you dropped me off. I must have come across as a crazy person." Jinyoung nestled his head against him some more. "One more question for tonight, I think.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you can handle sleeping with me in your arms tonight without getting too excited? Because that's exactly what I want. I don't want you to go home tonight.”

Mark bit his lip. “I could try.”

“Then please do. You're so warm. You're so comfortable and mine.” Jinyoung pursed his lips a little, and Mark obliged him by bending forward to kiss him. “I don't want to wish you sweet dreams anymore. I want to be the one who makes them pale in comparison when you wake up to an even sweeter reality.”