Ripples

            I sat on the top step leading down to the shoreline of the lake, staring out at the frozen water.  I couldn’t have told you how long I’d been there.  A couple hours?  There’s always so many things to think about when I visit my aunt and uncle’s house.  I remember the first time I came to visit after Ryeowook was born and holding him in my arms as I sat on their couch.  I thought he was too loud then.  In fact, my opinion on that never changed much.  He was always kind of loud.  As he grew older, his mouth got him into more trouble than anything else.  It was probably the reason he was my favorite cousin.  He was so much like me in this respect.  He always spoke his mind.

            I thought back to the last time he’d ed me out for being late to pick him.  I’d been angry at him for getting so upset about it at the time.  We were just going shopping and we didn’t need to be anywhere by a specific time, but he reminded me that he could be doing better things with his time if he’d known I was going to be an hour late.  He could have practiced his piano an hour longer.  Instead, he had just sat on the deck, waiting for me to show up. 

            Had I known his time was so limited, I never would have wasted any of it.  And I would have spent so much more time with him.  I certainly wouldn’t have run late to pick him up for anything.  The problem is, you can regret something the rest of your life, but you can never go back in time and take it back.  My last interaction with my cousin was not to show up on time, when I’d promised him that I would, and I will never be able to change that or make up for it.  Ever.  He doesn’t have to live with that.  I do.

            A tear fell down my cheek.  It was too cold out to be crying.  My eyes were going to freeze if I kept it up.  But whenever I’m in pain, it just reminds me that I’m still alive.  He’s gone and I’m still here.  I would have given anything to change places with him.  If he were still alive, he would have been doing so much more than I was.

            Eventually, I heard the sound of a car pulling up to the front of the house.  That should have been a cue for me to leave, but I remained sitting where I was.  The sound of footsteps drew closer and came to a stop behind me.

            “You haven’t come here for a while.”  It wasn’t the voice I was expecting.  I thought it would be the new owner, about to kick me off the property or question me about why I was sitting in his back yard.  I glanced back at Siwon, still dressed in his police uniform.

            I simply nodded.  “Were you looking for me?”

            “I happened to stop by the bar to ask Leeteuk about a drunk driver from last night and noticed you weren’t there, which I thought unusual.  So, I stopped by your house and realized you weren’t there either.  I could only think of one other place you would go.  Kyuhyun told me he was heading out of town for the night and asked me to keep an eye on the property, just in case.  Thought I might as well kill two birds with one stone.  Were you hoping he was home?”

            I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know,” I honestly told him.  “I’m not sure if I would go into the house, even on the night of a new moon.  I think the memories would get to me.”

            “I don’t think Ryeowook holds his death against you,” Siwon said, crouching down.

            I looked back to face him.  “Then why is he stuck here as a ghost?”

            “Because his killer is still free,” Siwon answered.  “Wouldn’t that make the most sense?”

            “But I feel just as guilty about that!  If I would have been on time, perhaps I wouldn’t have been on time to prevent his killer from killing him, but maybe I would have still seen them!”

            “And then what?  They might have killed you as well!”

            “But then at least I wouldn’t be living the rest of my life feeling as if it’s my fault because I ran late to pick up my cousin just so I could get laid!” I threw back.  “I made my life more important than my family!”

            “Heechul, it isn’t your fault!”

            “Yes, it is!  This wasn’t the first time we’d argued about it and I promised him I wouldn’t be late that night!”

            “If you’re going to stick to this train of thought, you might as well blame me as well.  I’m the one that decided to handcuff you to the bed.”

            “I never said that I didn’t blame you!”

            Siwon took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “I hate to tell you this, but more than likely, whoever killed your cousin, would have done it another time, if he didn’t do it then.  Unless they were some random stranger passing through town who happened to stumble upon him.  So, odds are, they would have found another way, at another time.”

            “But they might have been sloppier about it.  They maybe would have left evidence at a different time,” I pointed out.  “And they clearly weren’t a stranger passing through town if they tried to kill Kyuhyun, just because he was snooping around.  So, instead of sitting here, pestering me, perhaps you should be looking for my cousin’s murderer.  They clearly still live here.”

            Siwon stood back up and looked back at the dark house.  “I hate to admit this, but you are easier to deal with when you’re drunk.  You’re not as mean and argumentative.”

            “Sorry to disappoint you.”

            “Actually, I kind o