I can’t control my trembling voice

Even my reddening cheeks

I can’t hide it

 

She met them on her first few days in Korea. Sana was the one who approached her with a cheerful disposition, and Mina thinks she’s never someone as excited as Sana when meeting someone new. The girl beside her was Momo, more timid than Sana, and almost as shy as Mina herself. Sana asked Mina if she was Japanese, and they immediately started speaking in their mother tongue. Sana and Momo started taking Mina out to lunch often and helped her with the Korean language. Five months later, they introduced her to their other friends, and the friendship of nine girls started.

 

Mina learned that Nayeon, Jeongyeon, and Jihyo have been friends for seven years, Dahyun and Chaeyoung for three. Tzuyu joined the group last year, while Momo and Sana did three years ago. And although she was her quiet self, she was welcomed into the group and easily blended in. She knew she had Sana and Momo to thank for that.

 

One day at a sleepover, Mina’s mother called from back home to tell her about Ray, her Dachshund of nine years. Ray was brought to a hospital because he kept vomiting, and now they’re not sure what’s going to happen. And so while everyone else was enjoying Truth or Dare inside Jihyo’s house, Mina started crying outside the porch. She silently cried—her usual quiet self wouldn’t let her wail loudly—so she was surprised when she felt someone sit beside her, surprised that someone could hear her cries. Mina couldn’t see it was, too busy to hide her swollen face out of embarrassment. Then all of a sudden, she felt a warm hand hold hers, and she finally turned to see Momo smiling warmly at her.

 

“I’m sorry,” Mina muttered, feeling pathetic, but felt Momo squeeze her hand.

 

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” said Momo, “but I think you need someone beside you right now.”

 

So Mina just started crying into Momo’s arms while the older girl steadily held her until she was ready to talk. She told her that Ray was sick, told Momo about her constant fear of losing Ray to old age.

 

“If you’re feeling lonely, you can take one of my dogs’ future puppies,” Momo told her when she was calm again. “I just know they’re gonna breed with each other one day.”

 

That was enough to make Mina laugh.

 

If Mina would be asked when she started liking Momo, she would pinpoint to this moment.

 

I try to act cool but

I can’t hide my heart

I think I love you

 

Three years later Mina’s feelings haven’t gone away in the slightest bit. It feels like nothing changed, except…

 

“Babe, can you pass me the ketchup?” she hears Momo say. “Mina needs to fill her ketchup needs.”

 

“You eat chicken with ketchup?” Lisa, Momo’s girlfriend asks incredulously.

 

“Hey, don’t judge Mitang, babe,” Momo coos as she passes the ketchup onto Mina.

 

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… surprising, that’s all. But I’d like to try it!”

 

If only Momo’s girlfriend were a , it would have been easier for Mina to be bitter. But no, Lisa’s an angel not just to Momo but to the rest of the girls whenever they hang out with the couple.

 

“Sure, Lisa,” says Mina, offering her plate towards her. Momo takes it upon herself to take one piece of meat, dip it in the ketchup and then feed Lisa. Mina looks away to spare her heart.

 

She tries not to think about how she and Lisa are similar. Both of them were born in 1997. Both of them are dancers. Both of them are foreigners in Korea.

 

So why couldn’t it have been Mina that Momo chose to date?

 

“I still think meat tastes better with mayonnaise,” Lisa concludes after some deliberation.

 

“I told you, Mina!” Momo pumps her fist in the air in victory. “Mayonnaise tastes the best with everything.”

 

Mina rolls her eyes playfully, surprising herself that she can still joke around the cause of her heartbreak.

 

“No wonder you two are girlfriends,” Nayeon comments, turning to Lisa. “Lisa, did you just side with mayonnaise because you’re dating Momo?”

 

“Yeah, Momo probably told her to say that if it ever comes up,” Sana adds, which causes Momo to huff and cross her arms.

 

“I did not!” Momo whines, and Mina finds it cute. She tries not to smile. Meanwhile, Lisa doesn’t have to hide. And that’s what for Mina.

 

“I can’t resist that pout, can I?” Lisa jokes, pinching Momo’s cheeks. “My baby is so cute.”

 

The rest of the lunch goes by with the rest of the girls fake puking at the couple’s sweetness.

 

“So who’s up for drinks at my house?” Jihyo suggests, then turning to Momo and Lisa. “But you two better not be too lovey-dovey in there or I’ll kick you out.”

 

“Fine, we’ll behave,” Momo replies defeatedly, taking Lisa’s hand.

 

“Good,” says Jihyo, turning back to the others. “How about you guys?”

 

Most of the girls reply with a yes, aside from Tzuyu who has to study for an exam the next day, and…

 

“I’ll have to pass,” Mina says. Even though she badly needs a drink, she couldn’t bear to watch any more PDA from the love of her life and her girlfriend.

 

“Why?” Momo asks with a sad look on her face, and something about the way she said it tugged at Mina’s heart, almost convincing her to change her mind. She guesses that Momo has had that effect on her for the longest time, and that she has no choice but to look past through it.

 

“I have to study too,” Mina lies. “Let’s go, Tzuyu,” she says without saying goodbye to the rest, and immediately grabbing Tzuyu by the arm.

 

“So,” Tzuyu starts when they’ve walked a decent amount of distance from the restaurant, “would you like to talk to someone about what’s bothering you?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Mina asks innocently, trying to hide her fear of being caught.

 

“Well, you said you had to study.”

 

“I always study.”

 

“Yes, but you’ve never made that excuse to get out of a social event. You like having people think that you don’t put in enough effort for your exams.”

 

Mina gulps, knowing that Tzuyu made all the right points. “How in the world did you know that?”

 

“Momo unnie told me about it a few weeks back when I wanted to invite you guys for lunch. You know what? I’m surprised she didn’t point it out when you said it earlier.”

 

“Well, she might have forgotten because 99% of her brain is now preoccupied with her girlfriend,” Mina can’t help but mumble. She gasps and brings a hand over when she realizes what she just said.

 

“So that’s what this is about!” Tzuyu smirks.

 

“I-I didn’t mean it like that,” Mina tries to convince her.

 

“Uh-huh, sure. You know, it’s okay to be jealous.”

 

“It is?”

 

Tzuyu nods in response. “Yeah. I was like that when Chaeyoung started dating Somi.”

 

“You were?” Mina asks, processing the fact… that Tzuyu was in love with Chaeyoung?

 

“Of course. It’s normal that couples spend more time with each other than with their friends. And so it’s natural for said friends to be jealous that they don’t get as much time with them anymore.”

 

“Oh.” So Tzuyu wasn’t in love with Chaeyoung. Mina almost thought their situation was the same. “Yep, that’s it. That’s my problem.”

 

“Want to talk about it?”

 

Mina gives the younger girl a smile. “Thank you, Tzuyu, but I’d rather not for now. Besides, you have an exam tomorrow, right?”

 

Tzuyu nods.

 

“Although you could help me buy a few drinks from the convenience store before going home,” Mina suggests.

 

“Sure thing, unnie.”

 

“Thanks, Tzuyu.”

 

Maybe one day Mina would tell the maknae about Momo and her feelings. Maybe she’d even tell the rest of the group. But not now, when the feelings are still too strong.

 

When I close my eyes, it gets clearer

I look at you and I still miss you

Do you know my heart?

 

Mina watches a random movie on Netflix in her apartment while drinking beer. When they’re out, Sana and Momo would always text her when they’re going home, and this would give Mina plenty of time to hide her alcohol. So when someone knocks on her bedroom door, she’s  surprised—but more importantly, she’s scared. What if this is a theft?

 

“Mina, it’s me,” Sana’s voice goes through the door which the older girl knocks. “I’m no thief, I promise.”

 

Mina slowly walks to the door and opens it, seeing that it is indeed Sana. “Okay, it is you,” she says in relief. “I really thought you were a thief.”

 

“Sorry, my phone died on the way here and I didn’t have a power bank,” Sana replies sheepishly.

 

“What about Momo?”

 

“She took Lisa home first.”

 

“Oh. Alright.”

 

Sana peers over Mina’s shoulder and sees five bottles of beer on the table, three of them already empty. “Damn, Myoui.” She whistles. “You’ve gotten better at handling alcohol.”

 

“What?” Mina widens her eyes. , I forgot to hide them!

 

She clears and tries to come up with an excuse. “Yeah, I finished studying already, so…”

 

“And you just happen to have five bottles of beer we didn’t know about? The nearest convenience store is five blocks from here and I know you wouldn’t walk that far on your own this time of night.”

 

“I…”

 

As Mina thinks of some other excuse, Sana fills her body with a hug.

 

“E-Eh?”

 

Sana pats her head and upon instinct, Mina relaxes on her shoulder. “I know it hurts, Minari. I can’t say that it’s going to be okay, but I’ll always be here for you.”

 

“I-I… What?”

 

“I know, Mina.”

 

“You know…”

 

“That you’re in love with Momo.”

 

“What?!” Mina tries to laugh loudly it becomes an awkward snort. “I am so not!”

 

“Oh, please. I’m your best friend.”

 

“Actually, Momo is my best friend,” Mina teases the older girl.

 

“I am your and Momo’s best friends!” Sana shouts, and Mina chuckles at the anticipated reaction. Sana clears upon realizing her sudden outburst and continues in a calmer manner. “So, that’s why I know that you’re in love with Momoring.”

 

Mina lets out a sigh. Sana does know her way too much already that she can’t get out of this one. Which brings her to another horrible conjecture.

 

“Does Momo know?”

 

Sana shakes her head. “You know Momo. She’s so oblivious about people’s feelings for her. She probably has no clue.”

 

“Good.” Mina nods. “She can’t know about this, okay?”

 

“Of course. Your secret’s safe with me.”

 

Your scent, your gestures

Even the way you call my name

You’re like, oh like it

Now please know my heart

 

Lisa eating and going out with the group becomes a more frequent occurrence that Mina tries to list down all possible excuses she can periodically use. So far she’s already used sickness, exams, and meetings to get out of anything with Momo and Lisa. But just when Mina thinks she’s safe, Momo asks her and Sana to gather at their living room.

 

“Why are we here?” Sana immediately asks. “Are you gonna make us watch that orange anime again? We already know you have your kinks, Momo.”

 

“It’s called Citrus and I only watched it that one time with you guys! Once we knew what it was about, I deleted it from my files!”

 

“Okay, Miss Defensive .”

 

Momo huffs in frustration and Mina giggles at the cute sight. Upon hearing the sound Momo turns and smiles at her, then turns back to Sana with a frown. “At least Mina still sides with me. Right, Mitang?”

 

“I, uh…”

 

“Just go and tell us whatever you’re going to say, Momo,” Sana says, and Mina feels grateful for Sana saving her from the spotlight, but her smile falters when Momo gives her announcement.

 

“Well, I want to invite Lisa here next weekend.”

 

“Why?” Sana asks in a slightly harsh tone.

 

“Because she’s my girlfriend?” Momo looks offended. “And we’re taking things to the next level.”

 

Mina starts having trouble breathing, but manages to ask, “Next level? You mean…”

 

“Umm… Maybe?” Momo can’t help but grin. “We won’t be loud, I promise!”

 

“Momo, no!” Sana tells her. “Have some respect for your roommates over here!”

 

It’s then that Momo starts laughing. “I was joking, okay?”

 

“It wasn’t a very good joke,” says Sana.

 

“Is there something wrong?” Momo finally asks, weirded out by her best friend’s behavior. “Do you not like Lisa?”

 

“It’s not that. I guess… I just thought that this space is just for the three of us. It’s a selfish reason, I know. I’ll get over it. You can invite Lisa here.”

 

“Look, I really want you guys to like her. I mean, we have been dating for a while and I have gone to her house, but now it’s time for her to see mine, you know?”

 

Sana nods. “I understand. And I already like her, so there’s no need to worry about that.”

 

“Thanks, Sana.” Momo turns to Mina and looks at her expectantly.

 

“Sure,” is all the youngest girl could manage.

 

“Great!” Momo hugs them and Sana glances at Mina with a worried look on her face. Mina nods at Sana to indicate that she’s fine, and thanks her later for taking the heat of Momo’s short burst of anger.

 

I want you

I secretly think about you all day

I wanna walk with you on our love line

 

Mina manages to get out of the apartment whenever Momo would take Lisa there. She’s becoming a master of excuses, adding ballet classes to her list. It even got to the point where she stayed overnight at the studio just to avoid Momo altogether.

 

But lo and behold, just when she was about to pass out with her head against the mirror of the dance room, her phone starts ringing. She manages to answer even if she couldn’t see who was calling.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Mitang, where are you?” Momo’s worried voice jolts Mina into full consciousness.

 

“Um, I’m at the dance studio. I’ll stay overnight here, I’ll see you tomorrow—”

 

“Hold on, I’m coming there.”

 

“Momo, there’s no need, really—”

 

“I’m taking you home, Mina.” Momo’s tone sends chills into Mina’s whole being. She takes a quick nap before Momo finally arrives and they start walking home.

 

“You didn’t have to do this,” Mina says quietly.

 

Momo tilts her head in confusion. “I’m your best friend, remember? Even though the dance studio isn’t too far from the apartment, I know you don’t like walking home late at night. Besides, I dropped Lisa off and was just on my way back, so.”

 

Mina winces at the statement yet hides it perfectly. “You… You must really love her, huh?” She almost chokes at the word love.

 

“Maybe,” Momo replies with a huge smile on her face. “I’m not sure yet, but… I think she’s the one I could really fall in love with.”

 

“That’s good for you, Momo. You deserve to be happy.” Mina really meant it.

 

“You do too, Mitang. I’m sure you’ll find someone who will love you, too.”

 

And Mina really believes her. It’s the day Mina decides that she should move on, for everyone’s sake.

 

Under the same sky

Let’s look at the same place

If I’m with you

I can do it

 

Slowly but surely, Mina starts going with the group more often, and finds that it hurts less as time passes by. She realizes that changing her perspective to simply wanting to see Momo be happy is enough to lessen the pain she’d been feeling. That’s what love is all about, after all.

 

One day, the group, including Lisa all head to Nayeon’s house for her birthday. Her cool parents allowed them to drink booze in the living room and let them stay there by themselves. Mina hasn’t had this much fun in ages, she realizes, and tonight she just wants to get wasted and party with eight of the people who matter to her the most.

 

While she’s able to control and keep her feelings at bay, Mina knows those feelings haven’t completely gone away. She checks on Momo who seems to be having a good time as well, her arm draped over Lisa’s shoulder. On the other hand, though, Lisa looks uncomfortable. But Mina shrugs it off; maybe her mind’s just playing tricks with her. She continues to listen to Jihyo and Nayeon’s stories about finally meeting with Jieun, their idol, and Jihyo relentlessly teasing Nayeon that Jieun flirted with her.

 

Nayeon teases Jihyo back with some classmate of hers, and it’s usually at this point where Momo would laugh loudly at Nayeon’s comebacks. But Mina doesn’t hear anything, so she looks around to see Momo nowhere in sight. Lisa’s gone as well. Maybe they went for a walk or something, Mina figures, reverting her attention back to Nayeon and Jihyo, but now on high alert for Momo.

 

The conversation now shifts to the other girls, especially the younger ones, ranting about professors and college in general. But still, Momo and Lisa haven’t come back and Mina’s starting to get worried.

 

She silently excuses herself from the group and goes out to the front porch and sees Momo sitting there, staring at the floor.

 

“Momo?” Mina quietly says her name.

 

The girl looks up at her, and even though it’s dark, Mina can perfectly see her bloodshot eyes.

 

“Lisa broke up with me.”