Momo has always loved running. There was something unexplainable that drew her in, the way the cool dawn sea breeze blows against her cheeks like the carress of her mother back when she was a child. The soft glow of the rising sun, an ever present backdrop against Han River to reflect its million crystalline rays into her eyes, painting the waking world in all of its colours and more. The steady 1-2-1-2 of her feet and the short, warm puffs of air she breathes out in tandem with her footsteps, sure and strong. Here the air is crisp, clean, comforting and with every breath Momo takes and lets go of, she can just be. This is a balance that she has chanced upon, that she refuses to relinquish no matter what comes her way, it is found somewhere in the midst of the thumps her weathered sneakers make as they carry her from one end of the river to the other and the pulsing heartbeat that thrums throughout her body, stemming from the steadily beating organ that sits snugly in her chest.

She runs to find solitude, something that is rather hard to find when you are living in a dormitory with 8 other girls who only have each other. She likes her space, doesn't mind being alone but sometimes, it gets hard to remember what quietness is. Because from when she first came from Japan, to Sixteen, to their debut, till now, the lines between them all have already slowly blurred into nothing, worn away by persistent encroachment of personal spaces and exhausted cuddle piles in the middle of the training rooms after a particularly taxing practice. Sometimes it is welcome, when Momo just faced her instructor and his low voice drilling in the fact that there is always someone better than her out there, that being the best is not enough now that they are where they are. The hugs come, from Jihyo, Nayeon, Jeongyeon, Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, Tzuyu, Sana, all ready to comfort, pouring the bright warmth that she associates with them behind closed eyelids into her and teaching her how to smile genuinely again. Other times, not so much, because there are times when Momo knows she cannot burden the others with her pains, she is not the only one who has them after all. She refuses to hurt those who are dear to her, because that is what you do when you love someone, you don't make them relieve their scars and phantom pains alongside yours.

She runs to find peace because it can get stressful when you are devoting your life to be the best, a never-ending competition of who dances better, who can hold the note the longest, who has a prettier smile for the camera. This world, Momo thinks to herself one day when it was too much, is only for the strong. And as she stands in front of the foggy bathroom mirror, this girl who looks so young but so haggard, like she bore the weight of the world on her two thin shoulders, is so foreign but familiar all at once. This is a world of harsh critisism that bites more than the coldest winter day back home in Japan. And some part of her always yearns to return to the warmth of her sister's embrace, wrapped up in their futons and blankets, sipping on whatever hot tea their mother had decided to prepare for them for the day. But Momo has always been a survivor. So she stays, stays with the sharp hails of her own incompetence and frigid competition that had chipped away at her confidence till there was close to nothing left. It sends her emotions in a downward spiral, a turbulent turmoil that she tried so, so hard to straighten out on her own. And it took time, even now Momo still feels the cracks in her armour, the non-existent chinks between carefully practiced gestures that leave her vulnerable to the flashing cameras and glowing eyes everywhere. But she smiles and the cracks disappear, almost like they have never existed. Because she has found warmth here in Korea, in the training rooms of the JYP building. 8 other Suns that fill her inside out with a gentle pulsing heat that shines out from her face.

Twice was the best thing that had ever happened to her and there is not a day when Momo doesn't thank whoever that listened to her up there for this opportunity. It gave her sisters that she knew she would have never met if she did not take that chance that one fateful day when she was 16. Momo remembers how hesitent she had been during the audition. It had been Hana who had wanted to be selected so much more than she did, she danced her heart out, Momo felt it in the booming bass and vibrating floorboards. But she had passed instead and Hana like the best older sister she was, had been so happy for her, her eyes held not a single trace of resentment. "You'll do great, sis." She had whispered into the crown of her head when they were at the airport, Momo arms wrapped so tightly around Hana's slightly taller frame, she didn't know how to let go. "There will be people that you will meet, don't worry so much." Typical Hana, Momo had smiled to herself as she walked away from them, always knowing exactly what to tell her. She clung on to those words like a drowning man clutching at straw, as she stepped on Korean soil, as she made her way to JYP Entertainment, as she entered at the training room. She kept her head down, speaking only when spoken to and bit her bottom lip bloody in between her teeth. Then someone had skipped up to her and stucked out a hand right under her nose. "Hi," The girl beamed, her sudden bright smile rather jarring for one who wasn't used to it but uncomfortable as she was, Momo felt herself relax a fraction. "I'm Sana and I'm from Osaka. Your name's Momo right? Which part of Japan are you from?"

Sana was everything she was not. Loud, confident, funny, brave. And she took her under her wing instantly, it was almost like they had been friends forever, one could not be found without the other far behind. They were the same age but with how Sana protected her, Momo felt like the younger one. Thanks to Sana, she met more trainees, all facing the same gruelling regime, all aiming for a debut that didn't seem possible.  It was also when she met Jihyo and as the trainee who had been there since the beginning, everything she said, Momo remembered.

"Ever since you arrived, Sana's been louder, more daring to take risks. She's giving more than her all now and I know you are too. Help each other grow okay?"

And slowly, Momo began opening up, she talked more, improved her Korean by leaps and bounds, smiled more, brought more laughter to her new friends, and learnt to not miss her home so much. But Momo hads always been someone who gives away her heart easily, wearing it proudly on her sleeve even if it was bleeding, beating. They were all adoloscent girls, curious about a life they willingly threw away. So it was no surprise when one day, as they are all sitting around their dormitory floor, munching on pizza that they bought secretly through their back window, that someone starts the conversation. "What's your ideal type?" Momo took some time because honestly, she had never actually considered this before. "I like someone who knows how to make me laugh when I'm sad. Someone who understands why I chose to be an idol. Someone who gets possesive but doesn't get jealous." Someone who is brave, confident and will love me as much as I love them. Sana catches her eye across the other giggling girls and winks, causing Momo to grin and wink right back. But then later in the night after the empty pizza boxes have been disposed of, as she brushes her teeth in the quiet of the toilet, Momo realises that she had described someone who had been by her side the entire time.

But Sana wears her heart on her sleeve as well, showers her affection equally on all the girls, loves them all with her entire heart, mind, soul. And Momo doesn't quite know what to do with herself. Sometimes when Sana gets too close, Momo feels her lungs get tighter, smells apples and peaches, smells home and comfort. Sana loves to hug her, wrap long warm arms around her neck, shoulders, middle, stays as close as she possibly can when she can tell that Momo just had a bad day. And Sana is so pretty, she is so pure in her affections, Momo thinks falling for her wasn't all that surprising. What's surprising is that she took this long to do so, when she literally sees her everyday. But just as freely she gives, Sana has walls around her heart that Momo could not even begin to fathom she could crack. They are tall and imposing, almost like icebergs, and appear when someone touches too deeply on matters that are too close to the heart. Momo has seen it happen once, how the twinkling cheery brown eyes hardened when someone asked if Sana liked girls. Momo had never seen Sana like this, truthfully it scared her a little bit and Sana's glare would have frozen the other trainee alive. So Momo stays away from such conversations, tries her best to just be a good friend and digs a 20 feet hole in her heart, because 6 feet just was not enough and buries the butterflies she feels for Sana there. But she is tested sometimes and everytime, she feels her control slowly slip away.

"You're so pretty," Sana slurrs as she presses closer to Momo, lips feather light and only just brushing hers. They just got their first win for Cheer Up and someone (Nayeon) had brought out her secret stash of soju. Sana drunk was even more touchy when she wasn't so when Momo finds herself trapped between the couch and her body, she knew she was in trouble. Her fingers ghost past Momo's stomach and stop alarmingly near the waistband of her shorts, little burning circles traced into pilant skin stealing all the air from Momo's already constricting lungs. This close, all Momo can smell is the alcohol from Sana's breath, pungent and something bitter but saccharine sweet, clogging her senses and turning her world that much more on its head. Sana drops her head into the hollow of , inhaling deeply and pressing a soft languid kiss there. Momo swears her heart stops before starting again so fast, she's surprised she can still breathe. The hand by her shorts start moving downwards and Momo in a short breath when warm fingers dip into her underwear and lower still. It's all suddenly too much and Momo whimpers into the hand she has bitten down on, trying her hardest to remember where she is as Sana giggles above her, all coy and predatory all at once. Then, Sana opens again and the moment shatters itself into thousands of tiny sharp shards that Momo feels bury themselves deeper with ever breath she takes. "You're so cute, just like her." And Momo's heart does stop beating, the warmth from earlier all gone. "Your eyes are sparkling." The pure child-like wonder in Sana's voice is jarring enough for her to remember to move. So Momo pushes Sana's warmth off her hips and dashes for her room on shaky legs as her tears drip down her face. One teardrop catches the light in the kitchen that they forgot to switch off and sparkles like a lone sapphire in the ocean. But it is miniscule and soon it lands on the floor and vanishes, almost as if it had been swallowed by the waves.

Momo stumbles to her room confused, choked full of self-hatred and the stone cold of a broken heart. She does not even bother to be quiet, Jeongyeon is no where to be found in their shared bed, her side relatively untouched. But she does not care, all Momo wants to do is forget. The last things she remembers before exhaustion drags her under are the warm tear tracks that collect in a salty pool on her pillow and the feverent prayer to whoever that was listening to her falling from her lips. For Sana to please, please, please not remember anything tomorrow. Sleep is uneventful and waking up brings no respite from the shards that slice her open that much more. is dry, voice a groggy croak and the tears have dried like a clingy film on her cheeks. Her heart begins beating faster, harder, when she has to steal past Sana who still out cold on the couch but it feels cold, brittle, fragile when she walks past, careful to keep her footsteps light and breaths soft. As she splashes her face with freezing water from the mercifully empty toilet, Momo tells herself to take a deep breath, it has always helped her find her rhythm. It does not help, does nothing to slow her rapidly palpitating heart. So, Momo rises with the sun and runs.

Momo runs to escape, runs to escape the thick cloying feeling that constricts her lungs like a million silver chains forged from dwarf stars pulled taunt whenever she sees Sana laughing, runs to escape the huge ball of searing heat in her stomach that grows into an erupting volcano spewing boiling lava and regret, regret, regret. It might burn her alive if she doesn't stay away. So she does and it hurts so, so much more than she thought it would. Because Sana was her Sun and Momo did not know how to live, let alone funtion without her warmth, her energy, her light. And everyone notices, the members included. But no one has said anything, and for that Momo is grateful. Because she is contented to live her life this way forever, contract be damned. And also because this has shown her that there maybe was a God up there listening to her. This world is only for the strong and for all the crap she has survived thus far, Momo has always been weak. She doesn't think she will be able to keep her armour from shattering if anyone asks, carefully steers conversations away when she gets the tingling feeling that they are about to broach the boundary that she has painstakingly constructed around herself. Momo hates pain, so she pushes down all of it, buries it underneath hours and hours of practises, keeps it in a box with more locks than the Namsan Tower, and feels the pressure around her ribs lessen just a little bit. But Twice has always been her family away from home, and families apparently, call each other out on their bull when they have had enough of it.

She sits in the kitchen alone with nothing but the 1-2-1-2 of her breaths and the whirling of the fan in the corner as company, slowly up her aloe vera yogurt and eyeing the second cup in the plastic bag in front of her when someone clears their throat. Momo glances up, registers Jihyo and Jengyeon both standing in front of her out of the corner of her periphery, raises an eyebrow and goes back to nibbling at the slowly melting treat. She knows why they have come, why they cornered her in the kitchen like a scared, feral animal. It was obvious. Jihyo, with her role as their leader, their cornerstone in this messed up world of idol life and Jeongyeon, with her insane ability and want to fix, protect and make other people smile no matter how hopeless the situation was. Both with such differing reasons to come to her but both caring about her nonetheless. So Momo squares her shoulders and places her yogurt on the table before letting her entire breath out in a quiet exhale. It almost felt like her soul escaped her too. "Hey, you guys want to eat yogurt too?" She tries for faux cheekiness she cannot feel, knows it doesn't show when Jihyo sits down with a crease in between her eyebrows and Jeongyeon sighs so heavily, it feels like she was carrying the weight of the world.

"You've been avoiding Sana." Momo raises her eyebrows because it is just like Jihyo to go straight to the point, she hated beating around the bush. And her denial get stuck in , so Momo just hums around the spoon and scoops another bite. "Momo." It is Jeongyeon this time and Momo bites down on the spoon a little harder than necessary but the pain does not really register, when every word the two girls are speaking tears open her heart just a little more. "Did something happen on the night we were drinking." And she shakes her head so fast, she knows both of then don't buy it for a second, knows that she has already given them the answer. Jihyo's eyes soften and she reaches one hand across the table to hold Momo's. Belatedly, she realises, that they are trembling with the force of her unshed tears. "Nothing happened that night guys." She murmurs again and feels one hot tear drip down her face, sees the next one land on the table, staining the dark wood. "Nothing happened, there's nothing for you guys to worry about." She doesn't believe it for a second.

And Sana, someone who has been with her since the start, eventually approaches her about it. Truthfully, somewhere deep inside the recesses of her mind, Momo knew a confrontation would come. Because Sana, always straightfoward and to the point with those around her, who always had nothing to hide from her, who always said everything she wanted to say to her, was like a hurricane that did not know how to be stopped. They had a special stage, just the two of them and Sana had been estatic. Momo, meanwhile, was a mess of shaking eyes and garbled words. Cheoregraphies that she usually could make her own were almost mechanic, her movements halting and staccato. Sana goes to pause the music, back facing Momo. "You've been avoiding me." And Momo curses herself, bites her bottom lip and stills her shaking hands. Sana has always been sharp, quick to react to situations that would often put them on the spot. The ditsy act she puts up was all just what it sounded like, an act. And Momo knew that better than anyone, that underneath a dumb, adorable front, Sana was a lioness, teeth razor sharp and claws that much sharper. Her every intention was calculated and Momo truthfully, was terrified. And so, for Momo, whose teeth and claws have already been dulled by Sana's mere presence alone, hates herself more and more. She shakes her head, not trusting her voice to remain stable and digs her blunt nails into her palms in a last ditch effort for some semblance of control over her emotions.

"Words, Momo." Sana clicks her tongue and Momo marvels at the girl, no, not girl, woman standing in front of her, perfectly in control, managing to sound condescending and concerned at the same time. So Momo blinks, swallows, hesitates, fidgits. Then says," I haven't been avoiding you." And adverts her gaze because she knows the expression that Sana has on her face, knows it almost as if it was her own. It spoke of discomfort, hurt, disappointment and sadness. Because they were best friends. And best friends -

"- don't lie to me, Momo." Her voice was clipped and Momo wanted nothing more than to curl up into herself and vanish off the face of this earth. Confrontations were never her forte, she rather prefered tip-toeing around problems and slowly working her way through them till they disappeared. She shakes her head again because she hates liars and herself. Somehow, she rationalised in a mind steeped in tumoil, not shaping her thoughts into something verbal made it all better. But Sana is suddenly in her space, and Momo was sure if it were not for the iron grip she had on her wrist, Momo would have been long gone. In a way she already was, just a shadow of her former self. "You have been avoiding me." Sana speaks slowly, words soft, sweet, hypnotizing and Momo nods because who is she to deny the one who is in complete control of her heart.

"Why?" When Sana is hurt, the entire world hurts with her, but for Momo, she thinks she hurts the most and doesn't think she can breathe through this phantom pain of a heart ripping apart. She barely feels that iron grip slip off her wrist. "It's nothing, we should practice." Her answer comes out choked and raspy, like a drowning man who had been gasping for air for a long, long time. And she stumbles towards the sound system, not quite remebering how to walk properly, not quite trusting her legs. But Sana is there again to cut her off, all steel eyes and fiery breath, hissing her displeasure. "Not till you tell me what's wrong." Momo shakes her head and has to will herself to move but Sana moves with her and finger nails are digging sharp and desperate into her shoulder and are those tears in Sana's eyes? Sana should never cry, Momo hates seeing Sana cry, those teardrops shimmer under the harsh lights and Sana practically glows. "We promised no lies, Momo. You promised me." And it is in those few seconds that Momo bites down into her lips to ground herself, tastes fresh copper and decides to throw her heart out onto the table for all the ravenous beasts to devour.

"I like you." She manages to force from , shoulders through the urge to escape this entire situation, "Not friends, but romantically." The light in Sana's eyes dim and the world spins on its axis, so fast Momo thinks she's about to fall. It is disgust and desperation she knows she sees reflected in dull wide brown. Momo tastes the bile rising up , unbidden and unrelenting, tastes the bitter regret that sours with every breath she takes, feels its acidic burn, burn, burn. She doesn't stay for the damage, she bolts from the room, to the toilet and throws up. It was the years of repressed feelings, all finally coming to light and the darker than black shadows she thought she had already locked away deep into the recesses of her mind that clawed their way to her neck. And they wrapped thick freezing tendrils around her heart, neck and squeezed. She does not know how long she stays, slumped in the corner of a gradually freezing stall but the wooden door bangs open and Mina finds her there eventually, hauling her to her feet.

"What are you doing?" And Mina has never once raised her voice at someone she held so dearly but Momo knows that the disappointment she hears is not her of her own projection. "Go away." She croaks, turning away from her youngest sister, ready to curl back up on the cold tiles. But Mina was stubborn too and her hands finds Momo's wrists, locking her in place. "We've been looking everywhere for you." We? Momo blinks and finally looks. Sana is there, silhouette dark and cutting against the yellow glare of the flourescent lights and Momo feels the panic twisting low in her gut rear its ugly head, swiftly returning, tenfold. She doesn't mean it, but when she meets Sana's eyes, she flinches back violently, hitting the wall of the stall. Trapped. Like a scared, feral animal. Mina slowly lets go when Momo drops her head, willing herself to just disappear. All she wants to do is run.

"Momo." It is the voice that haunts her dreams and waking moments, it sounds so defeated. "Momo look at me, please?" And Momo obidiently lifts her head because it is Sana and that is all the reason she needs. She expects hate, she expects disgust, but she knows Sana will let her down easy because they have been friends for so long.  She does not expect Sana to take another step closer to her, she does not expect Sana's hands to frame her face. She does not know how conscious she is when Sana kisses her. A light peck, then a deeper one that leaves Momo gasping for air. And suddenly, she is clawing at Sana, gripping trembling fingers into her shirt, breathing the scent of apples and peaches. "I thought...I thought..." Words are failing her but she needs to know. Then she realises that she did not need to worry because Sana was, is, her best friend, her soulmate and will always understand. "When I got drunk, I thought it was a dream. I never imagained you would sit there quietly, I thought you weren't real."

You're so cute, just like her.

"How long?" "When we met. I already loved you from the start." And feels her heart beat once, twice, start again. She feel hope and love and everything in between sing from the very marrow of her bones. She holds Sana close and finally, finally, she hears it.

1-2-1-2. The palpitating heartbeat that she only thought was her own.

And Momo still runs, but she runs towards a future she knows she will find happiness in. With Sana.