i. spring

 

It hits too close sometimes, too close for his comfort. All the hushed talks and pitying eyes aimed at him while he walks down the hallway are hard to ignore, especially now that he’s feeling a little too raw. A little too open for his liking.

 

People say it gets better as time passes, as the seconds tick by. Most of the time, Jinki doesn’t believe their words of advice because they can’t feel it like the way he does. Can’t appreciate how losing an anchor has so much impact in his life.

 

But Jinki can understand them, if he approaches the subject objectively. Moments like that are rare, almost too fleeting in the midst of the dark thoughts clustered in his head. Kibum says he just needs time to accept it, to grasp the reality and to stop living in the past.

 

He’s trying so hard to follow Kibum’s words, but Jinki knows that swallowing them all at once will have adverse effects in the future. Hell, he knows himself well enough to admit that he has a habit of replaying every single scenario of embarrassment, sadness, and pain in his head. Those memories are the hardest ones to forget - not that he’s trying to do so.

 

This year, the wonderful season of spring doesn’t bring him the warmth he needs, nor does it make him smile like before. All Jinki can focus on is the empty bed on the other side of his shared dorm, still unmade when his roommate decided to leave at dawn and never come back. The room feels too cold when he’s all alone, making breakfast for two even if he’ll be the only one to eat it.

 

He still leaves two spare keys in their designated locker at the first floor of the dorms, buys two sets of toiletries, and shops for food that he doesn’t even eat in the first place. All of those small things are beginning to haunt him day after day, making Jinki feel the guilt weighing down on his shoulders like heavy slabs of molten metal.

 

Minho tells him it’s unhealthy to follow the routine Jinki established with his roommate since freshman year. Not only is he wasting money, but he’s also damaging himself little by little. Jinki is aware of these concerns. He’s not dense. However, he also has a choice to believe that his roommate will come back eventually; Kim Jonghyun will show up and grace him with that familiar smile and those charming eyes. It’s just so unfair how people assume the worst in every scenario possible.

 

It’s Friday again, another day that will end in a few hours at most. Jinki’s finishing a project he needs to submit within the day so he wouldn’t fail his junior year. Jonghyun won’t want him to be left behind with all the new kids in the next semester; the other male wants the two of them to graduate together on time. Or so he says.

 

Jinki isn’t sure what his real goal is. Should he finish college for the sake of finishing it, or should he look for another spark of interest that will motivate him again? The previous spark he found is already gone, taken away by the very person who encouraged him to take another step towards his dream.

 

He wanted to be an accountant from the very start. Motivation visits him once in a while, but it quickly dissolves when he needs it the most. That urge to succeed only lasted the longest when Jonghyun was with him. They’d talk for hours about what the future holds, weaving through infinite possibilities that always end up with unexplained laughter from both of them.

 

Jinki simply can’t find a person like that again. Being pulled out of the incessant thoughts in his head is a feat that no one else accomplished. Jinki felt - still feels - the stark difference of finding a stranger who eventually grows to care for him like his own brother, from a normal friend who spends time with him in between classes.

 

Kibum, Taemin, and Minho are great company. They’re his number one group of friends that stuck to him for as long as he can remember. The only missing aspect from their friendship is the amount of effort they exert to push Jinki to his limits. Jonghyun is fearless if he looks at it in that angle. But fearlessness doesn’t last forever. Rather, it decreases overtime until it officially drains out of a person’s system.

 

It’s sad but true. Even Jinki can’t deny it.

 

Finally, when his paper is finished, Jinki hurriedly submits it via email, shuts down the laptop, and grabs his wallet. The walk to the nearest Starbucks is dull, punctuated by honks from private vehicles and laughs from several college students. He arrives in the coffee shop and orders a green tea frappe - his favorite - together with a piece of croissant - Jonghyun’s favorite.

 

Jinki wants to laugh at his pathetic behavior, but he’s too tired to do so. It only takes a few minutes before he gets to sit down in a booth and stares out of the glass walls blankly. He spots some people he knows from classes, as well as some acquaintances from other programs.

 

The sheer number of students out and about is quite astonishing, considering how difficult exams and last-minute projects are in the university. Jinki sighs to himself, sipping his drink half-heartedly. If only Jonghyun can come home and take away the perpetual tiredness in Jinki’s eyes, the permanent cloud over his head.

 

But, the truth is, Jinki has a feeling that his wish won’t be granted. Jonghyun’s parents have been actively looking for him ever since Jinki reported his absence. Most of Jonghyun’s belongings are still in the dorm, but his trusty backpack is nowhere to be seen. They’ve been constantly checking social media accounts for any clue, any indication of why Jinki’s best friend disappeared without a trace.

 

He hasn’t logged in to any accounts, nor are Jonghyun’s emails touched ever since he left. Jinki is bound to conclude that Jonghyun has been planning this for a long time. The other male’s sense of adventure always got ahold of him in the most inconvenient times, and Jinki is aware of Jonghyun’s desire to see every country with his own eyes.

 

Jinki finds himself replaying the important conversations they’ve had since freshman year. He takes a bite from the croissant, recalling how Jonghyun liked his bread to get cold before eating, whereas Jinki preferred it hot. The green tea frappuccino suddenly feels colder in his grip, fingers going numb. He remembers bitterly how Jonghyun insists on choosing warm drinks, while Jinki stubbornly sticks with the cold ones.

 

They’re similar to the beverages they want most - Jinki is cold and calculating, while Jonghyun is warm and passionate. Jinki is puzzled of how they managed to co-exist for as long as he can remember. There were fights left and right, some resulting to bruises, others causing hours of endless silence. Only hours, not days.

 

Jonghyun was always the one to reach out, pull Jinki away from the confines of his shell, and mend their friendship all over again. Jinki thinks that maybe, this time, Jonghyun finally found a reason to stop doing everything to sustain a friendship that’s too full of pride on one side, and too selfless in the other. One end always reached out desperately, instead of waiting for the opposite to meet him in the middle.

 

Kibum always did tell Jinki that he was, and still is, an . He might be the most thoughtful person in the world, but he’s also the one who becomes the reason for a rift to start forming out of nowhere. Minho, on one occasion, tried to slap it all over Jinki’s face, but was only met by Jinki’s ignorance and Taemin’s reasonable words blocking him from doing so.

 

It’s not healthy, now that Jinki thinks back on it. To other people, he’s always portrayed as dense or thick. He’s supposed to be the one who frequently receives news and gossip with barely a tilt of his head or a wave of dismissal. However, contrary to most beliefs, Jinki does know everything, down to the very last detail. He just pushes it all away, keeping his distance until the problem becomes insignificant.

 

Jonghyun, as his polar opposite, is the one who pulls him back without hesitation.

 

Having Jonghyun support his incompetent self for years is a gift that was suddenly taken away from him. Without Jonghyun, cold will always be cold. And those calculating eyes of his will never find the answer no matter how long it takes.

 

“Hyung, why are you here?” the sudden appearance of someone opposite Jinki jolts him out of his thoughts. He warily eyes Taemin, wondering if his friend is following him.

 

“And no, I’m not stalking you,” Taemin adds after a moment, catching Jinki’s suspicious expression. “You’re supposed to be with Kibum and Changmin-hyung today.”

 

“I didn’t feel like joining them anymore.” Jinki replies, eyes straying away from the younger man. “I just want to be alone for some time.”

 

Taemin makes a frustrated sound, setting down his drink with too much force than necessary. Jinki startles a little, observing how Taemin’s face is a light shade of red - probably from anger. “It’s been three months, hyung. You can’t just act like Jonghyun-hyung is still living with you. We’re trying - - we’re desperately trying to help you move on, but you keep coming back to this state no matter what we do.”

 

“Do you want me to assume that Jonghyun is as good as dead?” Jinki whispers, seething.

 

“We want you to accept that he won’t be coming back again. Yes, anything raging from death to a miracle reappearance is possible, but it’s better to be conservative - to assume the worst.” the younger man laces his fingers together, looking away from Jinki. “Don’t get your hopes up only to have them crashing back down in the end.”

 

“I’m not -”

 

“For both our sakes, please stop talking,” Taemin interrupts, now staring meaningfully at the croissant Jinki ordered. “You can’t convince me that you’re not hoping at all. I know you, hyung. Even if you give me the best poker face you can muster, I can see through it all.”

 

And in that moment, Jinki knows that he can’t deny it any longer. The mask he carefully constructed for weeks is suddenly ripped away by those words alone. Finally, after all the secrecy and stubbornness on his part, the dam breaks.

 

Jinki cries.

 

ii. summer

 

The radiant rays of the sun are streaming through the gaps left by the curtains Jinki set up in his bedroom. He shifts on his bed, letting out a groan of protest when the door opens with a loud bang. “Go away!”

 

There’s a loud sigh, followed by impatient footsteps approaching the bed. Next thing he knows, Jinki’s hoisted in a pair of arms, cradled against a familiar muscular chest. He doesn’t squirm, of course. The number of times he’s been in this situation is laughable as it is pitiful. Minho, his new roommate and friend always makes sure that Jinki wakes up on time for his morning classes.

 

They’re still in the university grounds, choosing to be left behind instead of going home as planned. The school offered extra advanced classes for their students who are willing to cut back on schoolwork for the normal semester. Being the responsible young men they are, Jinki and Minho, together with Taemin and Kibum, decided to take the offer.

 

About a hundred people - mostly upcoming senior and junior students - are roaming the campus day after day. The summer heat can be unbearable sometimes, but it also serves as a challenge to overcome. Jinki constantly pushes himself to take another big step towards his dream, one day after the other.

 

He needs it desperately, too - some time away from his parents, his friends back home. If ever he showed his face, they’ll immediately find out that something is wrong with him. He’s not the old Jinki anymore. The smiles he constantly gave them back then are becoming hard to recreate.  

 

When he was still a kid, Jinki had every reason to feel happy and complete. His childhood is wonderfully filled with love from people who care about him in their quaint neighborhood. It may be from his relatives or his friends; that didn’t matter. What’s significant is the blending of all those feelings, nurturing Jinki’s younger self until he became strong enough to stand on his own.

 

To this very day, Jinki isn’t sure where all those smiles have gone. Where all that love escaped to. What’s left in his heart is a pool of bitterness and regret. Sometimes, distracting himself makes them go away for a while. But oftentimes, they’re just stubbornly lying in wait, keeping watch at short distance so Jinki won’t have a reason to run away all over again.

 

He did try to run away from his problems before. Unluckily, Minho found him first, before everything became too late to be fixed.

 

Jinki thinks, as Minho gently sits him down on a chair, in front of the dining table, that his friend can sense his unease since May of the same year. He also knows that Minho will do anything to piece Jinki back together. Those long talks in the middle of the night, right when the moon is the only source of life in the sky, are what keep Jinki from saying it and just disappear without a trace.

 

It’s hard to pretend like everything’s all in place, that this is just another phase of life that will pass in a heartbeat. How can Jinki do that when the people surrounding him look at him like a ticking time bomb? He’s been behaving similar to a workaholic; studying day in and day out. Having free time is a foreign concept he can no longer grasp. That’s why his friends take it upon themselves to keep an eye on him constantly.

 

Minho just so happens to be the best man for that job, much to Jinki’s chagrin. After a careful  investigation and a lot of help to petition a change of rooms for the summer, Jinki finally vacated his shared dorm with Jonghyun and moved in with Minho. The layout is similar, but the overall ambiance in their new home is surprisingly different.

 

Whereas his previous dorm is full of half-finished sentences and spontaneous bursts of emotions, living in this new place is like hearing the steady beats of a calm heart; both reassuring and unnerving sometimes. Kibum tells him that he’s too paranoid, and that it’s better to focus on what lies ahead instead of comparing the present to the past.

 

Jinki’s slowly learning to accept the truth. It’s been nearly eight months since Jonghyun disappeared, so the chains are steadily loosening around his throat, giving Jinki a second chance to breathe again. He circled around denial for too long, and the pain of anger has long since sliced a permanent wound in Jinki’s chest.

 

The worst phase he’s ever been through must be depression. Breezing through 5 more months of anger and emptiness is unnerving. There are times when Jinki just wanted to become lost in a world full of emotions he did not need. He’d rather sink in the depths of the ocean than face the truth lying in wait like a snake.

 

The search for missing people isn’t really prioritized nowadays. With all the crimes happening around the world, people are more concerned of the damaging issues that have to be solved as soon as possible. Wasting resources on monitoring missing people and finding their whereabouts is just a nuisance. Jinki wants to understand the authorities when it comes to these decisions, but it’s hard to keep an open mind.

 

For now, the best thing he can do is wait and wait. The historical structures in the world that still stand to this day are not built in a week. All of them require patience and hardwork of nearly thousands of people, thousands of slave