~I found the love for me~

I never thought that one day I would be standing here, dressed in an all-white tuxedo with a smile I’ve only ever used for him.  My hands were starting to get sweaty, as if my palms were crying with happiness as well. I felt my knees starting to get weak.

I held my breath.

Because damn it he was breath taking.

This was the day. It was finally the day that I have waited ever since I knew. It was finally here. He was finally there.

I am finally here.

Words would not be enough to describe the vast array of emotions I felt.

I was too happy to comprehend the idea that we were finally here, my cheeks began to hurt from all the smiling. I was excited and overwhelmed to the point that I felt tears prickling my eyes. I was amazed and enthralled by the man who was slowly making his way towards me.

Usually I dreaded waiting for him. He usually took forever. Whenever we went out, I had to wait at least 30 minutes after our meeting time before he arrives. He was never punctual because he was lazy and didn’t really liked moving around too much. And I would be lying if I told anyone that I didn’t dread waiting for him. I was an impatient man. I wanted things done on time and efficiently. I valued punctuality.

But right now, I wouldn’t mind watching him walk towards me forever. He looked beautiful in that white tux that took him months to pick out.

No.

Beautiful was an understatement.

He was stunning.

No.

Stunning was a shameful word to describe how he looked.

He was ethereal.

His hair was swept apart to reveal that beautiful forehead that he dreaded. His thin but muscular figured was hugged with beautiful linen. His tux was a perfect fit for him. And his face? Damn he looked like he was glowing.

I was lost for words. All I can do was stare at how beautiful he was.

Jeon Wonwoo

~I found the boy, beautiful and sweet ~

He was never the talkative one. He was the guy at the back of the class that some of our classmates usually even forgot existed. He rarely initiated a conversation with anyone. He was always fixated in those books he had with him. It took him exactly three days to finish one book, sometimes four when we were flooded with assignments and paperworks.

I’ve noticed him before but didn’t really give him any attention. But now that I looked at him and stared at him as he took notes, I realized, how can I not have noticed someone so handsome before? He always had the highest scores on our exams but no one really congratulated him for it because whenever someone did, he would just look at them and then walk away.

As classes went on, I found myself being assigned to the seat next to him.

I didn’t really mind. I can always hang out with my friends at lunch. It would actually be nice to be seated next to such a quiet student because I’ll get to listen more to class. Though I have to admit that it was kind of boring not to talk during class, but hey, at least I’m learning.

~I never knew you were the someone waiting for me~

One day he asked me for a piece of paper. We had a quiz that day.

I thought I would be surprised to find out that suddenly this tall quiet handsome man would have the weirdest voice ever since he rarely used it but then when I heard it, it sent shivers down my spine. His voice was so deep, it was hard to get it out of my mind.

It was all I can hear.

It was a song I had on repeat in my head.

Since I was bored out of my mind, I decided to talk to him since he’s already asking for paper.

We actually got scolded that day for snickering in class. It turns out, he was pretty funny and he agreed to almost everything I said.

This was how it all started.

And no, it wasn’t like I talked to him and I’m suddenly head over heels for him.

It wasn’t like that.

~Cause we were just kids when we fell in love~

He was my bestfriend.

It was like peeling an onion. The more you shed its layers, the rawer and fresher he got.

Throughout the years that we were classmates, I slowly got to discover how amazing of a person he was. He wasn’t like the other guys who were consumed by social standards and conforming to the world.

No.

He was the guy that had his own world, his own standards.

And I am beyond honored to be able to indulge myself in that world. It was an honor to have him show his world to me. I was part of his own little world.

I wondered why I haven’t even tried talking to him before. His mind was a paradise of knowledge and opinions. We can talk for hours upon hours about stars and life after death, and we wouldn’t get tired of each other.

~Not knowing what it was~

I didn’t really have a name for it.

Some of my friends say that I’ve finally fallen for him. I asked them what falling in love was like. They told me it felt like lightning coursing throughout your whole body, electrifying everything within you. They told me that it felt like the butterflies from the start suddenly turned into large birds wanting to get out of your stomach and making you feel nervous as hell and queasy like you wanted to pee but can’t find a bathroom. They told me it felt confusing, like you had to know when to text him, or when not to text him or when to be clingy and not be clingy. They said it felt like a rushing river whenever your skin touched, filling you with a desire that you’ve never felt before.

But it was never like that with him.

It didn’t feel electrifying. It felt warm. Like a hot chocolate in front of a warm fire, draped in fuzzy blankets on the first day of winter. It didn’t feel like nerve wracking butterflies. It felt soothing, like breathing in fresh air in a field of grass after a long day at work. It didn’t feel confusing, like I had to guess what he wanted and what how much effort I need to put in our relationship to make him want me more. It was clear and kind of automatic, like we simply just knew what to do, like we’ve been doing this relationship thing for a long time already, we just didn’t have a label for it. It wasn’t a rushing river whenever our skin touched. It was refreshing, like sauntering under the sun on the first day of spring after a long winter.

So with these things, I didn’t know if I loved him. I only knew that he was special and I wanted to be with him for a very long time.

My whole life actually, if it was possible.

~Baby I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song when you said you looked a mess~

It was our first ever date.

Well I don’t really know if it was a date because we were both just hanging out in the garden.

It was dark in their garden. I was lucky to be here without being noticed by his parents. The grass was cold from mildew, the air was crisp because fall was near. The stars were out tonight, shimmering like a glass chandelier that enveloped the dark night.

He was more beautiful now.

More beautiful than the stars.

Puberty was good to him.

I was still the tall lanky guy he met back in first grade. But I knew puberty was good to me too. He usually introduced me to some of his friends but his friends would just look past me. But it’s okay. My best friend was enough.

They’ve always said that I looked too good for him. They told me that my pink lips were a waste if it was only for him. They told me that my tan skin was too much of an expensive canvass to be painted by someone like him. They told me that my good looks were too much for him.

But who cared? Certainly not me.

But who was I kidding?

I knew I was in love with my best friend.

We were in the dark, dancing slowly.

Our fingers never really touched but having him close to me was enough.

He laughed to himself and it was the most beautiful melody I’ve heard, one I didn’t mind singing to the ends of the world till my voice gave out.

~I whispered underneath my breath, but you heard it, darling you look perfect tonight~

I did. But he didn’t hear me. But that didn’t stop him from smiling to himself.

And there I was again, fawning over that beautiful smile as if I’ve seen it for the first time.

~I found a man, stronger than anyone I know~

I look at him and I can’t believe that we’ve come all this way together.

He was still as innocent as when we were kids but so much has changed.

He always complained how shorter he was compared to me but for me, it was perfect. He was my perfect little angel. He was the perfect little boy to a tall guy like me. He was the perfect size to set my arms on his head, the perfect size to pat his head, the perfect size for forehead kisses and the perfect size for cuddling.

His hair was much more luscious now, shining in the sun despite the pitch black color. His eyes now had more depth and emotion. Some people think it’s not nice but I would be lying if I told him I didn’t fall head over heels over it every time he graces me with it.

He didn’t really gain weight and stayed very thin and he would complain about that, but personally, I loved it. It was just the right size for me to be able to snake my arms around his waist. Every time my eyes wandered and followed his curves, I can’t help but thank God for making him oh so perfect.

He was also a lot braver now than when we were kids. He now knew how to stand up for himself and for the people that mattered to him. He learned how to smile at strangers and ask over the counter for the price of a product that he wanted to buy. It might be irrelevant for others, but growing up with him, I knew it was one of the biggest achievements he had at the time. He was much stronger now. He knew how to hide the tears behind the smiles, the pain behind the laughter, and the cry for help behind the silly jokes.

I would never admit it to him before, but we both knew that he was stronger than I was.

~We are still kids but we’re so in love, fighting against all odds. I know we’ll be alright this time~

We were adults now but then I knew from the heart, we remained as children. In the years that we have spent together, it has been filled with nothing but splendor and wonder.

Through the years I learned to love him more and touch him less. I wanted to respect him for who he was and what he was. He was a beautiful budding flower. I would not be able to forgive myself if I were to taint that flower.

~Darling just hold my hand, be my boy I’ll be your man. I’ve seen my future in your eye~

I’ve been waiting all my life to tell his this, to ask him of this.

I was sure that he was the man I wanted to spend my whole life with. Even with the distance that was between us, I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted to be the man that held him when he was scared. I wanted to be the man that savored his enchanting laugh, I wanted to be the man that kept him close when he cried.

I wanted to be the man that shared his future.

I wanted to be the man that held his hand as we set our children to bed.

I wanted to be the man.

~When I saw you in that tux, looking so beautiful~

Now we’re here, in the church, me waiting for you in the altar.

It was miraculous that I survived this long to see you walking down the aisle, seeing that smile that I keep falling for.

~I don’t deserve this~

I know.

~Darling, you look perfect tonight~

The most beautiful man I have ever laid my eyes on.

~I have faith in what I see~

I trust that your husband will treat you well.

~He looks perfect~

Even underneath all the makeup, you were perfect from the very start.

~I don’t deserve this~

I wanted to be the man that married you. But I knew it was impossible. You had your heart set out for someone else.

We can never be together and I knew this from the start.

But I had my hopes up since you created me.

I was part of his own little world.

I was lucky to be here without being noticed by his parents

He usually introduced me to some of his friends but his friends would just look past me.

Our fingers never really touched

He laughed to himself

I knew from the heart, we remained as children

Through the years I learned to love him more and touch him less.

Even with the distance that was between us, I wanted to be with him forever.

I wanted to be the man.

It was miraculous that I survived this long

They say imaginary friends faded away when their kids didn’t need them anymore.

So I hoped with all my heart that just because I didn’t vanish when you grew up, I wanted to believe that you still needed me.

But I guess it was the other way around.

I needed you.

I needed to know that before I vanished, a man would love you as much as I did.

A man whom you could touch.

A man who you could lean on.

A man who could protect you.

A man who can give you kids.

A man who would be enough.

~You look perfect tonight~

And you always will.