I was sitting on the corner of a cozy café by myself. This is what I do recently, I have not much activities, and my heart was gone all so weary after it has to keep holding on as my life gone by. In front of me, there’s a cup of tea, and of course, my journal. I was wrote it in about a year by now.
I hugged myself as I wear my favorite red cardigan. Outside, it was raining, so the air conditioner inside the café was colder than usual. I always love days like these. Most of people says, ‘’I hate when the rain falls down.’’ Or ‘’rain will make me more sentimental.’’ But for me, before I even realized that rain can put some sentiments in my heart, I already knew that I love this one nature phenomenon.

Maybe, how it brings life into more dramatic or a bit serene in mysterious way kind of feeling, that’s why I love the rain even more.

But I don’t know. Maybe I just love it out of no reason. Just like what I felt about him.

This man. I know him since I was just a 7th grader. When I still got my spectacles and my short hair.

His name is Yamaa Tomohisa, one year senior than me. He caught my attention since we are on the same club. Basketball after school.

You may say that it’s a puppy love. Sure, at that time, it’s really easy to judge it like that, just to be able to see him, I was so happy but also shy.

But during sometime of those year, because one accidentally prank call, he suddenly appear to be one of the people who I really comfortable to talk to outside the school. It’s kinda amusing how it turns, right?

We’re just hang out normally as a senior and junior. And then my expectation was never too much, for a fourteen year old girl, I was happy enough when he came to me and greeted me on my birthday.

Yamapi, that’s how he called by his friends, walked towards me when I was so busy preparing for a school event that day. His friend, Oguri-kun, was standing behind him as then he called my name.

‘’Erika!’’

I turned myself and wondering, why Oguri-kun was calling me.

But then to my surprise,

‘’happy birthday.’’ Yamapi stopped in front of me and say it with a big smile, although I never mention my birthday before.

I just can nodded as I said, ‘’arigatou (thanks), Yamaa-kun.’’

I turned around and walked quickly as then I was so happy telling about it to my bestfriend. I wondered, how can he know about this day?

Oguri-kun quickly captured my bestfriend’s heart, and not long after that, they become a couple. And not long after that, as shy as I told you this, but Yamapi’s friend confessed his feeling towards me. His name is Kato Shigeaki, although he’s really nice, I cant accept his feelings because I cant imagine what it will be like if my boyfriend is Yamapi’s bestfriend. And because of that, I will never be completely loves Kato-kun since my true feelings is just for Yamaa senpai (senior).

A cute yet silly things continued to colored my days.

My heart was beaten so fast as we met on the school gate in the morning, and as we accidentally walked out on the school yard by evening.

I was smiled shyly as we knocked our tray together when I realized that he’s beside me on the cafetaria queue and he just said hi.

Or when some days like this, rain fell down and I was waiting until it stops on the bicycle parking area because there’s a roof that can prevent me on being soak by the rain. Suddenly, he came with his wet uniform as he said,

‘’do you like really it that much?’’

‘’eh?’’ I turned and then I startled for a little bit as I saw him.

‘’the rain. You kept staring at it. Or maybe you’re just wondering when it will stop pouring down.’’ He smiled.

‘’ah, I mentioned to you before, right? and yes, I like it that much. Well, although it’s not like my habit to running wildly under the rain and get soaked.’’ I replied as I calm myself. We talked kinda often on the phone, but to talked like this inside school area was actually nerve-wracking.

‘’I wonder what else that you love other than the rain.’’ He said.

He always appeared so calmly, although he actually was kinda fun to be with. Since the first day we know each other, without any discussion, we actually choose not to expose our friendship as he became more and more popular and be acknowledged because of his charm and his looks. And also because the girls in his grade, or even higher grades doesn’t seem to be happy when he got close to some junior.

That’s how I felt during my time on experiencing a first love.

Although I don’t really understand, to be able calling in a first love, is it the first one that can make your heart beat faster, or is it your first boyfriend?

During the last year of the middle school, everything gone bad as everybody knows about our friendship and it seems that he’s become further as I was trying to avoid him too. I swear if a stare can kill someone, I was already brutally murdered by those girls.

It keeps like that as he entered highschool, and that’s the time when my classmate and also one of my bestfriend, Nishikido Ryo or he used to be called as Ryo-chan, became closer to me. He’s somewhat have both similarity and difference from senpai.

Ryo-chan is actually also calm, but he loves to openly making a joke. That’s what similar. But the difference is, Ryo’s calm aura gave you a warm feeling, while senpai’s aura somehow gave you a cold sense.

They both also known to be carefree and ignorance sometimes, although I always disagree when people said Ryo-chan is never open himself to anyone, because he’s not like that to me.

So then, as we grew closer day by day, I begin to forget about Yamaa Tomohisa, my admirable senior, and be with Ryo-chan.

But my happiness doesn’t last long. Things come and go, happened and gone, and as the result I broke up with Ryo just in 4 months after that. I realized that we suited more as bestfriend, but not more than that. And because, suddenly I start to notice him again. Not Ryo. But Yamaa senpai.

You might be mad at me as you read this, but that’s the fact.

His image, the way he talks, the way he walks, all brought up in my mind again as I was so sad because I went into a different highschool. He went to the ones linked with our junior high, while I choose not to enter there.

As difficult to be imagine, during my highschool time, I never be able to open my heart like I did before to senpai (senior). it’s true, I’ve notice one of my friends, and getting involve romantically with them, but.. I start to think that when people said, ‘’first love never die’’, maybe it’s true.

I lost my contact with him during those 3 years, although somehow I can get his contact number and once a year, I still send him my wish and pray in his birthday.

We share the same month of birth, and that’s why maybe, it’s easy to remember.

That’s how I kept my heart beating though my brain never understand about it, while one day each year I opened my heart for him again. I let all the memories came back and reminiscing before the next day came and I have to stay sane.

Ryo-chan is still one of my bestfriend, even until now, yes. He’s now having a relationship with a girl name Nagasawa Masami. I also knew her really well. He always believed that I could never be able to forget Yamaa senpai no matter what. And he warned me, it’s not really good to stay like that.

‘’Sooner or later, you have to move on before your heart turn into stone.’’ He even said it harshly, but deep down inside, i agree with him.

That’s why when I reached my 21 years of life, im not proudly to admit that after 10 roughly-counted years, the image of Yamaa senpai in my head, was never really died.

Actually, aside from senpai, once at the beginning of my college days, I fell in love so hard with one of my friends. We’re just this close to officially being a couple, but suddenly, he successfully break my heart. He leave me when I was be able to say it loudly that I finally can get rid of Yamaa’s image from my mind.

I was deeply pissed, as then Im not consider him as one of the people that once attached with me.

And suddenly at the same time, out of the blue, I get the chance to started to keep in contact with Yamapi again. Still, like before, his existence was never vivid. Always blurry as now he still not be able to stand in front of me, because since he graduated from highschool, he went to Kyoto for college. And if I remembered, the last time I met him is just when we passed through each other in some reunion.

We keep contact through mail and phone. And as I begin to knew him as we met again, now he’s just like a new person. The cool and distant senpai is gone. His calmness is still remained with him, but he smile even often and always greeted everyone else instead of waiting to be greeted like back then.

As he turns into someone more open, women on our age, and also older, was even more captivated by him. But as weird as it may sounds, although many women attracted to him, he never getting involved in a serious relationship. He rather be just by himself, because it seems that he loves his freedom too much.

If you asked me, whether I ever wonder why I cant erase him completely from my tiring mind, of course, I never stop wondering.

A burst of thoughts about maybe I was just too obsessed to be able to have him only for myself, it came one. Or the thought about maybe, if I kept living a good life and never intentionally doing something bad to anyone, God will give me him as a gift, that’s also appeared in my mind.

About two years ago, one of my friends, who actually knows about my affections to senpai, said to me that she got a college trip to Kyoto but she didn’t know anyone who live there, then she got an idea to meet senpai there. She actually didn’t really know him, but since she also in the same school as me and senpai, so I said, ‘’ah, that’s a good idea.’’

But then everything seems not like what I thought.

I really didn’t understand whether, Maki-chan -that’s her name, is really don’t have any intention when she met Yamapi for the first time, but all I know is that slowly, I heard rumors about her and Yamaa senpai, people around us said that they are really close.

I just can keep wondering, what’s exactly happen between those two, since Maki suddenly not talking to me, or even when she is, she looks so awkward.

Sometimes I just cant take it. Why aside from any other women in this whole world, why suddenly my own friend seems wanting to take senpai from me? I know. I know. He’s not my boyfriend. But.. I think friends don’t hurt each other, right?

That’s why I was so shocked as Maki confessed that she really loves senpai. At that time, I was not mad because I think, I cant control anyone’s feeling. But my friend told me that Maki actually planned all of this. She was the one who always maintain the contacts, and also eager to meet him. As much as I hate the fact, I was also sad because.. I think Yamaa senpai also liked her. If he doesn’t, why he always agree to meet her? why he always nice to her?

I kept thinking that why this is all happening? Since the first time we knew each other, we always crossed into each other’s path. Our life always moving around us but everything is never really about us.

Until now Oguri-kun, Yamapi’s bestfriend, still seeing my bestfriend, and they already engaged, stay together in New York.

Once, senpai’s friend liked me, now my friend fell in love with senpai. Fate seems always playing with us. When I found someone that really care, that person leave me, and senpai came along again. But as my heart begin to feel ease and wanting to release the longing, my friend took him away from me.

So here am I. Confused, and broken hearted. I can never asked him about his feelings, and I also cant confess about what I really feel for him.

The reason? I don’t want him to freak out. And also because I don’t want to make him feel uneasy. I didn’t need an obligation of anything towards my feelings. And I hate to be pity.

back then, I used to think that the answer about why God let me to have this feeling for this long is because one day, Yamaa senpai finally came to me. But i begin too tired of that thoughts.

Today, is the 10th day I spend to thinking about this. And maybe, it’s time to move on. To erase everything behind. I started to think 10 as my sacred number.

I moved my journal, and there’s a book. A fiction book about an adventure of a little girl who’s lost in space. She wandered around because she was fell in love with a star wanderer in one starry night. She lost too long, as now she turns into a young lady. And although she always have this thought of giving up, she cant go back because she was too lost. So now her choice is only to keep going to find her star wanderer who will be able to find her way back to her home, or just giving up in some planets and lost in there forever.

I opened the book, and inside it, there’s a letter from my bestfriend Mao, who’s now engaged with Oguri-kun. I kept this letter since it's arrive yesterday, so now i just read it.

Erika-chan, genkidesuka (how are you)?
I read your book. It’s cute.
I know who’s your star wanderer, and I also think that he’s just exactly like what your book says. You’ll see. Be happy, okay?

Shun says hi. Please come to our wedding next month.
I’ll send you the invitation and also two tickets.

Inoue Mao. Soon to be Oguri Mao. aww im just too lame.

Eh? Two tickets? What for?

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[another POV]

Is this really the place? I read again the note I had in my hand.

The name is right. I was so nervous, it's like my usual self. A week ago, I got a phone call from an old friend of mine. This is what she said to me.

‘’Genkidesuka (how are you)? You might wondering why I called you in sudden
But I just cant keep it any longer. Did you ever heard about kids fiction book called ‘Starry Night’? please just read it.’’

‘’nande (why is it)?’’ I asked her.

‘’it’s written for you.’’

‘’what?’’

‘’well, the author inspired by you.’’

I frowned. ‘’but I never heard about the author.’’

‘’lluvia is just a pen name. Do you know what it means in Spanish?’’

I know, ‘’it’s rain. Why?’’

‘’because once, you asked her what are the things that she loves more than the rain. At that time, she actually wants to tell you the answer but she cant. So after more than 10 years keeping her love, she finally expressed it. But apparently, life still insisted that she cant tell you straightaway.’’

‘’and what is her answer?’’

‘’you.’’

I startled. Wait, 10 years? How can possible someone.. after that long?

‘’so.. how it sounds to be loved that long?’’ my friend laughs at me.

I didn’t reply. I kept thinking about rain. Rain. Who I ever ask about-ah. it cant be her.

‘’she..’’ I hang my sentence.

I still remember once I had a friend when I was young. She’s a nice tiny girl. Always look so shy with her spectacles. Her sparkling eyes actually captivate me although it’s been hiding behind her glasses. I once questioned myself, is it her eyes just like that, or maybe.. it’s because she’s staring at.. me?

Then I continues, ‘’but.. she never-‘’

‘’well, we’re young once. Too many confusion at that time. But for her, confusion is just her daily problems. If you.. wanting to hear the answer straightly from her, just go now. I can understand your feelings back then at the reunion. Well, I was a great observer.’’

I sighed. Yes. I saw the girl in school reunion a year or two years ago, I cant remember it perfectly. But all I know is that I actually ran to try to catch her after I saw her. Our eyes actually met and at first, I was stunned.

There’s a young lady stands alone quite far from me and my friend. Her hair is long and wavy. She smiled to someone, but her smile fades as our eyes locked. She might be so different from her usual look, but I still remember her eyes. Not longer hidden behind glasses, it’s still sparkling like ever.

I know it’s her.

Back then, I was just still a little boy. But the 21 years old me at that reunion knows that I have to catch up. Stupidly me, after I failed to find her that night, once again I just forgetting about her.

Although we keep contact, I never ask her about that night. Where did she go? why did she ran away? I didn’t ask her. I tend to forget many things.

As then Maki came. She actually like a summer breeze. She came in a perfect time, when I was down because many things in my life. But actually she said something that bothered me when we met at the first time.

‘’do you still have any contact to Erika?’’ Maki asked me.

Erika. Toda Erika, she the one who have those sparkling eyes.

I answered at that time, ‘’yes, sometimes.’’

‘’but that’s it, right?’’

As I heard that, I find it confusing. Actually, I can say that Maki knew me from Erika, but why she sounds like she didn’t like the idea about Erika-chan keep contact with me? as I said before, I tend to forget many things. So then my question stopped there.

But here am I today. I was outside the place where Mao told me, Erika usually spend her time.

Mao said, ‘’just go now, before it’s too late for you.’’

‘’for what?’’

‘’she planned to erase her memories. And that includes you.’’

The next day, I bought the book and read it.

It’s about a girl who grew up as she fell in love with a guy who loves to wander around the space to go from one star to another.

A star wanderer that she’s been waiting for 10 years.

In her mind, the guy never grew old. And he’s just as handsome as the first time she saw him. Nearly at the end, she finally find him, but she just too weary to be able to catch him. But turns out the wandered saw her, and gave out his hand without knowing the young lady is the little girl that he met 10 years ago.

And then the wandered asked,

‘’what are you doing here in the space, young lady? This is no place for someone like you.’’

She said, ‘’I just fell in love.. with the stars.’’

The wanderer said, ‘’really? And you go this far. I wondered whether you got anything that you love more than stars.’’

‘’yes, I have.’’ The girl said as then she smiles, ‘’and finally I found it.’’

And the book ended there.

I walked to the cafe as this mixed thought and feelings circling in my head as then I opened the door.

I started to climb up the stairs and suddenly something fell from the upstairs. It stopped two steps in front of me.

A ‘Starry Night’ book.

Suddenly, I realized about something as I heard someone said, ‘’ah, im sorry! it didn’t hit you, right?’’ the voice is familiar.

At that time, I just didn’t want to think about anything else. Everything can wait. My work. My past. Everything seems so clear as it’s their turn to be forgotten by me. Im still forgetful, but this time, it’s not her. and Maki, i deal with her later.

To be loved in so long time by someone so loyal, somehow it feels amazing yet confusing. Amazing because it seems.. it's just unimaginable. but also I was curious what makes her love me, that's why it's confusing.

I lifted my head and smile. As I saw her startled face, her sparkling eyes and her long wavy hair, perfectly like what i always imagine about her, I said, ‘’thank God, no. but thanks to this, you finally found your own star wanderer.’’

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Hi! im backk. i wrote this about 3 years ago as my very first one-shot i ever wrote. so forgive me if there's so many lack here in there.

 i hope you can enjoy the story, and i post this in aff because of a request from my so-called sister mouripon

lovelovelove,

z.