Jinyoung

 

"Well," Mark said, studying Jinyoung in his graduation cap and gown. "You did it. Summa laude with an Education degree. Seems I've been hooking up with both brains and beauty, as they say."

 

"Excuse me, but you and I are well past the stage of hooking up," Jinyoung sniffed, smacking him with his diploma. "And I hope you aren't just realizing I have brains now."

 

"I don't know, Jinyoung," Mark said gravely. "Have you figured out what 'impure silica' is yet? Because it seriously concerns me that the person who has been looking after my jasper for four years doesn't fully understand its composition."

 

"Oh, hush," Jinyoung said, smacking him again with a laugh. "Did I do this at your graduation last week?"

 

"No, but I do remember you getting drunk at the after party and trying to do some kind of aggressive ual dance on me in front of all my classmates."

 

Jinyoung froze. "Did I really?"

 

"Certainly. I told them it was because you found geochemists ually attractive to give them some hope considering all of them are still single. I guess they should have taken Applied Behavioral Analysis classes like me."

 

"Because you definitely won me over with your social skills," Jinyoung teased. "Anyways, let's pass on drinking tonight, then. Not that I mind aggressively ually dancing on you, but considering the reservation is at a pretty nice place..."

 

"It might liven things up, though."

 

"Trust me, I can liven things up enough when I'm sober without making a spectacle of myself."

 

Jinyoung drove the two of them back to his apartment so he could change out of his cap and gown in favor of some more relaxed, but still dinner appropriate clothes. Mark waited for him in the TV room, checking out the two congratulations cards that had arrived in the mail that morning, one from an aunt in Seoul and one from Youngjae.

 

"Have you seen Youngjae in person recently?" Mark asked, lifting up the card.

 

"About 4 weeks ago or so. He'll be back in town next week, so we can get together with him then."

 

"I ran into him by chance that time you made me drive back to your parent's place to pick up your suit two weeks ago. You remember that abandoned movie theater near your house? They started bulldozing it to put up a supermarket. I noticed Youngjae standing nearby and watching it with a kind of 'despair' expression on his face while I was driving by, so I pulled over to check on him. Apparently it was a place he used to rendezvous with Jaebum back in the day."

 

"Mark," Jinyoung said with a warning note in his voice.

 

Mark lifted his hands in surrender. "Am I going to get scolded? I'm just reporting facts here. I am not the one who personally ordered him to return to a site of past memories with his ex-boyfriend."

 

"I know that. But the fact remains that you've been absolutely no help in encouraging him to move on. It's been four years. He shouldn't be struggling with it so much, but you keep on insisting on bringing up Jaebum around him."

 

"Youngjae's struggling without my help. I bring it up because it's painfully clear even to me that he has issues to resolve involving Jaebum, and he'll never resolve them if he refuses to talk about it. Yell at me all you want, but I swear it will be more helpful for him to call up Jaebum and sort things out one way or another than it will be for him to continue to go on all those blind dates you try to set him up on."

 

"But what if he manages to find someone special from it eventually? It's not completely impossible."

 

"Other than the fact that you have completely horrible taste in men and keep trying to set him up with condescending academic types who bore his lively spirit."

 

"Funny to hear my condescending, academic type boyfriend judging my taste in men."

 

"Is it? I've thought you were crazy for wanting to date me from the start. I'm relieved that you do, but I still question it from time to time."

 

"I just might be crazy, then, considering how much I still love you in spite of the whole condescending academic thing." He gave Mark a quick peck on the lips. "Come on. We should get going to dinner."

 

Mark had picked out the restaurant reservation for him as a special treat, and Jinyoung was delighted to see how mouth watering the menu was. Their last year of university had been so busy that they hadn't had many opportunities to do something like this, especially considering they were attending different, though closely located, universities. They met as much as possible since playing with Jinyoung's hand was still Mark's preferred form of stimming, but they usually had assignments to work on and papers to write whenever they did. During their free time, they usually went rock hunting or to some event or another that Jinyoung was interested in rather than out to dinner, since their budget as students was quite limited.

 

But this was the perfect occasion for it. With both of them now officially graduated, a lot hung in the balance. Both of them had secured jobs, Mark at a research facility and Jinyoung at a high school, and though they had gone into the subject of getting an apartment together, there were still a lot of details to iron out, which Jinyoung hoped they could discuss over dinner.

 

Sure enough, Mark mentioned it pretty early on in the evening. "I got an e-mail back from the landlord from that apartment we both liked near the research facility. They said we could come by this weekend if we're available. Sound good to you?"

 

Jinyoung nodded eagerly. "Think there's any chance of him giving us a discount?"

 

"I doubt we'll be able to tell until we meet him in person, but if anyone can manage it, it's you." He paused. "By the way, do you have sufficient furniture? I was just thinking that since you bought me a new display case for my graduation, I owe you a present for yours. Something for the apartment is always an option, unless you'd rather have something else."

 

"Actually, yes," Jinyoung said, taking a deep breath. He'd been thinking about this for awhile now, but it wasn't going to be easy to say, especially since he knew there was a 90% chance Mark wasn't going to understand him. "There was something else I wanted."

 

"All right, what is it?"

 

"I want to get married."

 

Mark's brows furrowed in that classic way of his. "To who?"

 

Jinyoung hadn't expected that to be his first question, of all things. "Who do you think? To you!"

 

"Why?"

 

That was the question Jinyoung had been expecting first. "Because I want to be with you forever."

 

"You can certainly do that without getting married."

 

"I'm well aware. I'd like it to be official, though."

 

"It's illegal here."

 

"You're an American citizen. We could take care of it overseas."

 

"And yet the government here probably wouldn't bother to acknowledge it. Even in America, the stability of the whole thing depends on how many s are on the Supreme Court. And if we're not receiving any financial or security related benefits from it, being married is pretty much the exact same thing as living together without a marriage certificate."

 

"I know that."

 

"And yet you still think it's worthwhile even without any tangible benefit?"

 

"Yes."

 

Mark continued to stare at him in confusion. "I don't follow. Are you concerned for health related issues? Because my condition probably isn't going to kill me, unless I manage to trip off a cliff, which shouldn't be a problem since you always accompany me on my trips and I try to stay away from cliffs when there are much safer rock deposits elsewhere. I don't mind consulting you about health related issues informally, and if something serious were to somehow happen, you can trust in my family to make the right choice."

 

"No, I don't want to get married for health reasons."

 

"Do you feel insecure about me leaving you? Because I'd sooner throw my entire rock collection off the aforementioned cliff than leave you."

 

Jinyoung's expression softened at that. "No, it's not that either."

 

"Then could you please explain your thinking to me? Even if we were a heteroual couple, getting married right after graduation would still be viewed as a bit of a rush. I just don't see how anything in our lives necessitates doing this, particularly in such a hurry."

 

"And what if I told you that my reason is just that I love you and want to be your husband?"

 

Mark sighed lowly. "Then it just brings us back to Point A. You can love me all you like without a marriage certificate. And 'husband' is just a word people use to define a married man, whether he's a loving one or an abusive monster. I love you beyond every definition and connotation of that word already."

 

Jinyoung flushed, half in pleasure, half in frustration. Mark so rarely expressed his love straightforwardly that it was satisfying to hear him put it in crystal clear terms for once, but he still wish Mark could understand why this was important even though Jinyoung could barely put it into words himself. All of Mark's arguments were technically correct, and Jinyoung knew in his heart that it would really make no difference between them if they were married or not. And yet still he wanted it. Maybe because it had been conditioned into him as a child to want it, or maybe because the greedy part of him wanted them to be bound together in all aspects. Whatever the case was, he wanted it against all logical arguments. And yet the person he loved was an endless supply of logical arguments and possibly would never truly understand.

 

"Let's just drop it for the time being, then," Jinyoung said with a sigh.

 

Mark looked at him with a doubtful expression. He knew Jinyoung wasn't someone who actually dropped things when he said he was going to.

 

But the two of them let it go for the present moment and went back to talking about their apartment hunting plans and potential decorating ideas when they decided on one. Jinyoung was pleased to discover that Mark was willing to hand over the reigns almost entirely to him, as long as he got a say in how he could display his extensive rock collection.

 

It was an exciting thing, planning a future together. When he looked back at how at odds their communication had been when they'd first met, it was downright miraculous that the harmony that now existed between them was possible. But Jinyoung had never been one to settle for good when he knew that even better was possible. He wanted everything of Mark's, from his right now to the entirety of his future. It was only just the beginning of their story, and he was ready to see the rest of it continue its gradual unfolding.

 

---

 

Mark

They arrived back at Jinyoung's apartment fairly late. Mark had his own apartment fifteen minutes away, but usually on date nights, Jinyoung didn't bother to drive him back. Mark had a stash of overnight things for such occasions, though they usually proved useless since Jinyoung typically just shoved him into bed without the formality of putting pajamas on first.

 

Tonight, it seemed, was different. Jinyoung wanted to take a shower after the long day, so Mark slipped into a pair of sweats and grabbed a book to read while he waited for Jinyoung. After the first few paragraphs, he lost his concentration and had to set it down. His mind was too busy trying to turn over the concept of marriage. He didn't have anything in particular against it. His parents, for example, had a very happy marriage, and it had been a beneficial arrangement since they'd raised kids together and needed to share assets. Was that what Jinyoung wanted? To share assets? But no, he'd said his reasons were that he loved Mark and wanted him as a husband. That was what baffled Mark. What could he give him as a husband that he hadn't already given him the way they were now? Security? A nice ring on his finger? A sense of permanence?

 

Mark couldn't see how things could get much more permanent. He'd pretty much committed to Jinyoung in the long term when he'd given him is jasper. If he lost both, he'd have nothing to give him that sense of rightness and rhythm his body so desperately craved. And now that time had passed, even the perfect smoothness of a stone in his palm couldn't serve as a substitute. He needed Jinyoung to be there. There was no question in his mind that they'd be together for as long as their lives gave them, provided he didn't try Jinyoung's patience past its surprisingly durable breaking point.

 

But he reminded himself that Jinyoung saw the world differently from him. Little technicalities tended to make him anxious, and it took convincing in both words and actions whenever doubts started creeping in. He didn't like ambiguity. He always wanted things at 100%, and struggled to accept less.

 

Years ago, Mark would have never been able to understand any of this. There had been so much about emotion he'd never been able to grasp, and sometimes he still came up short when it came to truly understanding the people around him. But being with Jinyoung had taught him the importance of making the effort. Loving someone so deeply emotional had exposed him to feelings and sensitivities he would have never known existed otherwise, and he'd wanted to understand each and every one of them so that he could better understand his lover.

 

Jinyoung emerged from the bedroom thirty minutes later, dressed in a pair of plaid pajamas and his hair still slightly damp. "Ready for bed?" he asked. Mark picked himself off the couch to join him.

 

Once they were under the sheets, he pulled Jinyoung closer to him, enjoying the warmth and feel of his body for a moment before leaning in to kiss him. Jinyoung responded eagerly as he always did, taking him in deeper for a moment before abruptly cooling and backing off. He let Mark slip in one more kiss, before pushing him off and rolling away from his touch.

 

"Not tonight?" Mark asked.

 

"Mmm. I'm mad at you."

 

"Why?"

 

"I proposed to you, and you didn't accept. I'd be pathetic to still sleep with you right after you did something like that."

 

"Speaking technically, I didn't reject your proposal. I just questioned it."

 

"Proposals don't call for questions. They call for answers."

 

"I knew you weren't going to drop it. If we're going to discuss it now, can you please roll back over and look me in the eye so I don't have a discussion about marriage with your back?"

 

Jinyoung grudgingly rolled back over. "Even if we talk about it now, you won't be able to understand it if you couldn't before. Your response will be the same."

 

"For your information, I have been processing it more since dinner. And thinking of it reminded me of something. Your last week of classes was two weeks ago, correct?"

 

Jinyoung nodded.

 

"Even though you were already done with earning your degree, you said it wouldn't feel real until you had the diploma in your hands. I suppose this is like that. You have me, but you want the evidence signed and in your hands. You want the concept of forever to be tangible and feel real."

 

Jinyoung's mouth fell open a little. "Well...you're not wrong exactly...but when you say it out loud like that, it makes me feel a bit stupid."

 

"I wouldn't dare call you stupid, Summa laude, even if you don't know a thing about impure silica. It's a reasonable compulsion. Most people would find a million dollars in their hands more real than someone saying 'I'm going to give you a million dollars'. I can understand that, at least." His hand twitched uncomfortably, so he reached out for Jinyoung's, hoping he would take it and feeling immense relief as he did. "But Jinyoung...do you really want to go to a country you've never been to and I haven't been to in ages and get married far away from everyone who knows us just to prove to yourself that this is real?"

 

Jinyoung shifted a little, some doubts flickering through his expression.

 

"And on top of that, there's the fact that I hate airplanes and you'd have to put up with me crushing your hand in panic for fifteen hours."

 

"True..."

 

"So, though I'm sure this is only going to make you more angry with me, I'm rejecting your proposal and substituting my own. Before same- marriage became technically legal in the US, couples would have commitment ceremonies. They're similar enough to weddings, minus the legal element. They'd exchange rings, celebrate with their families, get a certificate, and become life partners with each other. I'm willing to do that with you, considering my objection to the original proposal wasn't at all the concept of promising to be yours forever." He squeezed Jinyoung's hand. "Then, should things be made legal here in the future and official marriage made possible for us, you can ask me again provided you still want an official marriage certificate, and we can decide that then. What do you think?"

 

Jinyoung thought for a long time, his face a myriad of emotions. At long length, he took a breath. "I have one problem with this," he said.

 

"Yes?"

 

"Why do I have to be the one to propose to you again in the future? Why won't you do it?"

 

"I told you, Jinyoung. I'm with you all the way already." He assessed Jinyoung's expression, noting the pleased smile at these words. His approval with Jinyoung was shooting back up, so he could probably take a few risks. "There are some conditions, though."

 

"I'm the one who's compromising majorly here. I'm the one who should be setting conditions."

 

"And yet you can't have a commitment ceremony if I refuse to show up."

 

"Bastard," Jinyoung muttered under his breath. "What do you want?"

 

"One: I want Youngjae to play piano at the ceremony."

 

"I suppose that's reasonable."

 

"Two: I want to invite Jaebum."

 

Jinyoung groaned loudly. "Mark. Do you want a soap opera to unfold in the middle of us becoming life partners? Why the hell would you want to do that? No, don't answer. I know why. You want Youngjae to be happy, I get it. But have you considered that Jaebum may be incapable of making Youngjae happy considering what happened last time?"

 

"I have considered that, thank you very much," Mark said. "But I've also considered that Youngjae can't seem to be happy with anyone else, and most of all can't be happy without him. All of this is painfully obvious to me even though most of my emotional intelligence regarding people other than you comes from flashcards. They at least deserve the chance to talk things out, which they'd never do if we left it up to them."

 

"Well, we could certainly set up Youngjae into being at our commitment ceremony considering he's our friend, but do you think Jaebum's not going to know what's up when we randomly invite him after not talking to him since high school?"

 

"I'm about 90% sure he'll come anyway. The one with the most to regret is him, after all."

 

"You'll really refuse to come to the ceremony if I don't agree on this?"

 

"Why should we be greedy and snatch all the happiness for ourselves when our friend is facing the future alone and it's within our power to make sure the one he still wants is back by his side?"

 

Jinyoung looked for two seconds like he was about to say 'no,' but when he looked into Mark's eyes, something abruptly shifted. "You're a kind person, did you know that? Sometimes I feel so heartless compared to you."

 

"You shouldn't."

 

"Yes, I should. I still feel guilty over being part of what split them up. I know Youngjae doesn't blame me, and that I shouldn't blame myself, but... but if they see each other and wind up fighting because of what happened with me in the past, I'm going to feel terrible about it all over again."

 

"I know, Jinyoung. But in the end, it was never about you. It was always about them. My story is the one that's all about you." He leaned forward to kiss Jinyoung's hand. "And I never intend to make you feel terrible about anything."

 

"I hate how you always make it very hard to say no to you," Jinyoung grumbled.

 

"Really? It's one of the skills I'm most proud of."

 

"Fine. Go ahead and invite Jaebum. But you are 100% in charge of damage control if it backfires."

 

Mark smiled. "Thank you. But I have faith that it won't." He rested his head down on the pillow. "Now that we've settled all that, we should probably get some sleep."

 

"What? You're just going to ignore having your commitment-fiance in bed?"

 

"You told me that nothing would be happening tonight considering that I rejected your marriage proposal."

 

"I have every right to change my mind, OK?" He snuggled closer to Mark. "Besides, I think I have it in me to forgive someone who rejects me because they already feel entirely married to me."

 

"Heh. I thought you were more stubborn than this, Park Jinyoung."

 

"I am, Mark Tuan," he said, leaning in closer for a warm kiss. "Just not tonight."

 

---

 

Youngjae

 

Youngjae helped Jinyoung adjust his tie, then stepped back to admire the complete picture. "Perfect," he declared. "Mark's jaw is going to drop to the floor when he sees you."

 

"Oh, come on. It's not like I'm going to come out looking like some angel. It's just me in a nice suit. Hardly different from before."

 

"If Mark's already in awe of the regular you, trust me, he'll enjoy the slight boost." Youngjae grabbed his sheet music from the table. "So...are you sure about the song selection?"

 

"Yes. Mark went through all your sheet music and specifically requested 'In Love With You.' Don't you think it's the most suitable for a commitment ceremony?"

 

"Yes, but..." Youngjae felt a lump rising in his throat as memories flooded through his mind. They'd torn down the movie theater just a few months ago. And Jaebum was long gone from his life, though the pain of that loss was still as fresh as if it had been yesterday. It just felt like there was no room in his life for a song like 'In Love With You' with all its sense of complete and eternal joy. It felt like the world had lost all of the euphoria that had existed in those moments.

 

But it hadn't for Mark and Jinyoung, he reminded himself. Euphoria lingered with them every day of their lives. Of course this song would be the perfect one for them.

 

"All right," Youngjae said, forcing a smile. "If it's for the two of you, of course I'll play it. I should probably get out there and set up."

 

Clutching his sheet music he slipped out of the dressing room and headed into the main room where all the guests were seated. He really was happy for Mark and Jinyoung. They'd been such amazing friends over the past few years, to the extent where they'd essentially held him together in the painful aftermath of breaking up with Jaebum. Even when that aftermath had continued and continued without ever really healing itself, the two of them had been there, urging him on in whatever little ways they could. Jinyoung had tried his best to help Youngjae find love again, while Mark seemed to realize instead that love had already found Youngjae and simply refused to leave, and with his frank and often difficult to hear words helped Youngjae get by every day living with that empty, dissatisfied feeling.

 

He was happy for them, but at the same time he greatly envied them. He wanted what they had, and ached with the frustration that he and Jaebum had hit a stopping point before they'd ever had the chance to taste it. They'd never reach the forever Mark and Jinyoung were heading towards. They would always be stuck in their final year of high school, never moving forward.

 

That was what he was thinking of when his eyes fell on the crowd of people assembled to witness Mark and Jinyoung's commitment and the first face his eyes fell on was that of Im Jaebum standing awkwardly on the fringes as everyone else chatted amongst themselves.

 

He released a noise like an animal in pain, part shocked, part wounded, and yet part overwhelmed by the traitorous joy in his heart that was delighted just to see his face after so long a time. He'd changed his hair a little and his face had matured, but in many ways, he was still so similar to who he had been, and Youngjae's heart ached with the urge to run to him and throw his arms around him and beg him to never go away from him again.

 

His mind, however, was at a complete loss as to how and why this was happening, and it couldn't bear for Jaebum to notice him while he was a gaping mess, defenseless and caught off guard. He his heel and immediately hurried back to the safety of the dressing room.

 

"Jinyoung," he choked out, practically gasping for air. "Could you please explain to me why Im Jaebum is here?"

 

Jinyoung gave him a pained look. "Mark invited him."

 

"Why would Mark do that?!? Have they been friends secretly for all these years without telling me?"

 

"No..." Jinyoung gestured for him to take a seat since he looked two seconds away from collapsing. "Mark wanted to do this for you, because he thinks you've been unhappy for the past few years, and he thinks having the chance for some better closure with Jaebum will make you happy again. I know it seems strange, but this is his way of showing how much he loves you."

 

"Well, it's a really idiotic way of showing love if you ask me," Youngjae snapped before he could stop himself.

 

Jinyoung's expression immediately hardened. "Don't call Mark that," he snapped right back.

 

Youngjae winced. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

 

"I know." Jinyoung took a breath. "Youngjae. Mark has a hard time expressing his love, OK? Sometimes he can barely even say it to me, and I'm the most important person to him. It's even harder when it comes to someone like you. He doesn't know how to say to you that you're important to him without expressing it poorly, so he feels like he has to show it. And to him, the best way of showing it is by giving you what he thinks you need to be happy. And in his mind, what will make you happy is Jaebum. That's all he was trying to do by this, all right? He's putting the ball in your court and Jaebum's, and what comes next is up to you. You won't be forced to do anything."

 

"Other than the part where I'm apparently supposed to play 'In Love With You,' a song I wrote about our first kiss and losing my freaking ity to him IN FRONT OF HIM, right?"

 

"You don't have to do that, if you don't want to. You can actually leave the venue entirely if you want to. Or I could tell Jaebum that there's been a change in plans and he needs to leave. Whatever you want me to do."

 

Youngjae placed his hands over his face, trying to collect himself. What did he want to do? It felt like his entire body was protesting the thought of sending Jaebum away. No, he couldn't do that. Jaebum would know why, and would probably think him a coward for it. And considering the sincerity of Mark's gesture, it would feel equally rude just to throw it back in his face just because it was slightly misguided.

 

Couldn't he just be an adult about this? Couldn't he greet Jaebum maturely and finally put it behind him once and for all so it would stop hounding him every moment of his life. Wouldn't that be the right thing to do?

 

"What if I talk to him," he whispered faintly, "and it winds up being terrible and painful and my heart breaks all over again?"

 

"Then I will thoroughly punish Mark and then send him over to grovel to you for forgiveness and offer to pay for one month's rent on your apartment in compensation?"

 

"Hmmm." Youngjae sighed. "I...I suppose I can try. It would be nice to prove to myself that I can do this. I've been hung up on it so long that maybe it would really be better to lay it to rest. That was what I tried to do when we broke up, but...I guess it didn't work the first time."

 

"Just do what feels right to you, all right? Don't feel pressured by me or Mark. We just want you to enjoy a happy day with us." Jinyoung reached over and patted Youngjae's arm. "Think you can go back out there? Mark's probably getting worried that I ran off on him at this point."

 

"All right," Youngjae said, rising to his feet. His legs trembled a little bit beneath him, but he squared his shoulders. "I've got this."

 

Grabbing his sheet music one more time, Youngjae walked back out to the main hall. This time, he didn't try to look for Jaebum when he entered. He kept his eyes focused on the piano waiting for him, marched up to it, and took a seat. Doing this would take some measure of courage, and he wasn't that strong. He knew the second he looked into Jaebum's eyes again, his resolve would be lost, and he couldn't bear the thought of showing his heartbreak and weakness after he'd tried to be so strong when saying goodbye.

 

He set up the sheet music and began to play. He hadn't performed this song since breaking up with Jaebum, but his fingers still remembered the proper path to the keys as if it was all second nature to him. The emotions and memories flooded back from the very first note, and it all played back to him like a montage in his mind: the movie theater, the sensuous sounds of "At Last" coming through the speakers, Jaebum's lips on him, being dipped back in his arms on the dance floor, being joined together with his body in a dance of an entirely different kind. It didn't feel sad to remember--in truth, he'd never really put it back to the far corners of his mind like he probably should have. It simply felt unsatisfying, that it had ended the way it did. That the two people in those memories were like two strangers among these crowds of family and friends rather than like the two lovers now clasping each other's hands.

 

When it was all over, he at last lifted his eyes and found Jaebum's face. The look in his eyes was so raw and aching that Youngjae could barely stand meeting it. But he knew in that moment that he wasn't alone in feeling the tempest in his heart. Whatever things Jaebum had done in the past four years, it seemed as if forgetting Youngjae hadn't been one of them.

 

0

 

Youngjae didn't want to avoid Jaebum. He didn't particularly want to approach him either, so he wound up awkwardly keeping an eye on him at the reception, making sure he wasn't either too close to him or too far away from him distance-wise. He at least had familiar people to talk to and keep him looking occupied, unlike Jaebum who could only half-heartedly into conversations with people he didn't know.

 

But when the food came out, he became momentarily distracted and rushed over to fill his plate. He'd been serving himself some pasta when he heard someone clearing their throat and he glanced up to see Jaebum standing across from him on the other side of the table. The tongs fell out of his hands, and his face immediately flushed in embarrassment, unsure of what he would need to do or say to possibly survive this conversation.

 

"Youngjae," Jaebum said in a gentle voice. "It's good to see you again. It's been a long time."

 

"Yes," Youngjae squeaked. He winced and cleared his throat. "I mean, you're right. It's been a long time."

 

"You look good," Jaebum continued. "Really good. You've been doing all right?"

 

"Yes. And you?"

 

"I've been fine." He nodded in the direction of Mark and Jinyoung. "I'm happy to see they made it in the long run."

 

"It's not surprising, though, is it?"

 

"Yeah, I suppose not. You've stayed close to them over the past few years?"

 

"Mhmm."

 

"That's good. They seem like they'd make good friends, the two of them."

 

They'd reached the end of the buffet line now, and it was coming to the point where they'd have to awkwardly decide if they were going to sit together and continue this stilted conversation or go their separate ways already. Youngjae's throat felt painfully dry. There was no way he was going to be able to make this decision for them.

 

Jaebum most likely realized this and took the lead. "Come on, let's catch up for a bit," he said. "You can tell me about school."

 

"Are you sure?" Youngjae asked quietly. "That you want to do this?"

 

Jaebum's expression wavered for just a second. "Youngjae, I haven't seen you since we graduated from high school. The least you could do is tell me what you got your degree in. It doesn't have to be any more difficult than that."

 

Youngjae nodded and followed Jaebum to a table at the corner of the room. "I got a generic degree in communications," Youngjae said. "I couldn't decide what I wanted to do, but I lucked out and managed to get a job anyways."

 

"Oh yeah? What kind of job?"

 

"If I tell you, you'll make fun of me."

 

"When have I ever made fun of you, Youngjae?"

 

"You're really going to ask that? You made fun of me constantly."

 

"Ah...right. Well, if you survived that, you can survive me doing it one more time, I think. What job could possibly be all that embarrassing?"

 

"Well...there was this group of continuing education ahjusshis in one of my classes. The three of them were fathers and were complete fools over their kids. One of them is an acoustic guitar player, and started writing this children's song for his daughter, and it wound up being really good. The other two are musicians as well, so they got together to form this group to write an album for children, and they were looking for a piano player and vocalist, so..."

 

"You're in a children's band?!" Jaebum asked in delight.

 

"...yes. We got a recording deal for the first album, and it's coming out next month."

 

"That's so adorably wholesome and completely perfect for you."

 

"Shut up."

 

"What's the lead song called?"

 

"The Littlest Monkey."

 

"Awwww."

 

"What about you?" Youngjae asked before Jaebum could ask him to sing it.

 

"I got a degree in business. I also wasn't sure what I was going to do with it, but I used a family connection to get a job as an assistant manager to a young pop solo singer."

 

Youngjae blinked. "Really? Isn't that a big deal?"

 

"Not if you factor in how being a manager isn't exactly cushy or high paying. I'm pretty much just using it as a way to get my foot in the industry so I can possibly shift into production."

 

"I hope that works out for you. I've got some contacts as well since I'm signed with a company, but I'm not sure how interested you are in writing children's music."

 

"Could be surprisingly cute, especially if I can get you to sing something painfully adorable that I wrote."

 

"I take back my offer."

 

Jaebum chuckled. "Oh well. I'll still be first in line to buy The Littlest Monkey anyways." He paused, studying Youngjae a little more closely. "You've lost a bit of weight, haven't you? Have you been eating enough?"

 

"What, are you my mother now?"

 

"No, I'm just showing polite concern. I always liked your little bit of face pudge. Not that you need to have it to satisfy me. Anymore. Or ever." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Please tell me to stop talking."

 

"Stop talking," Youngjae obliged, smiling a little. He was glad that Jaebum still felt the undercurrent of anxiety, even though they were doing their best to talk naturally. "Anyways, I came down with a really bad flu at the end of the semester, and I'm still recovering a bit. I had trouble keeping food down, so the weight loss is from that. I'm trying to get it back up." He pointed to his loaded buffet plate. "As you can see."

 

Jaebum frowned. "You didn't have anyone taking care of you when you were sick?"

 

"Uh, well, I'd feel a little bit childish calling for my mom at my age."

 

"You're not seeing anyone right now?"

 

He'd wormed that question in there so unexpectedly that Youngjae felt taken aback. Of course Jaebum would want to know, since he was also curious about Jaebum's relationship status, but that didn't make it any less awkward to discuss, considering the path it could so easily take.

 

"No," he said slowly. "I'm not seeing anyone right now."

 

"But before...?" Jaebum seemed to be holding his breath.

 

"Not...not really. Jinyoung tries to set me up on blind dates once every few or so months."

 

"That ," he thought he heard Jaebum muttering under his breath. Youngjae couldn't help but snort in response. You're about four years too late in deciding Jinyoung is an , Im Jaebum.

 

"Unfortunately, Jinyoung's idea of guys worth dating is basically 'guys like Mark'. It has yet to result in an enjoyable date on my side."

 

"Really? I thought you liked Mark a lot?"

 

"Not to the extent of dating him, though. We don't understand each other as fluidly as he and Jinyoung do." Youngjae tilted his head, wondering if Jaebum had been bothered by how much Youngjae had relied on Mark after their breakup. It hadn't been romantic in the slightest, but a freshly hurt Jaebum may have seen it different.

 

Jaebum nodded--if Youngjae wasn't fooling himself, he looked strangely relieved. "I see."

 

"Well, since you've gotten the awkward question out of the way, it's my turn now," Youngjae said, steeling himself. "Are you seeing anyone?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Not recently?"

 

"Not since you."

 

Youngjae froze, his heart practically tumbling in his chest. "...not even one date?"

 

"Not even one."

 

"...you're serious? In four years, you haven't..."

 

"Just take it as me learning my lesson," Jaebum said softly. "It's not like I haven't thought about it. I know I should consider moving on, I really do. But I always ask myself first 'Are you still in love with Youngjae? Are you trying to get yourself to fall in love when you're already in love with someone else?' and since the answer has always been yes, I stop myself. I'm not going to repeat the biggest mistake of my life a second time."

 

Youngjae continued to stare at him in frozen shock. He simply couldn't process it. Of course he'd known that Jaebum had been hurt by their breakup, but the idea that he wouldn't find someone else eventually had never crossed his mind. Of course he would. He'd find someone nice and Jinyoung-esque and all of Youngjae's doubts in Jaebum's ability to love him forever would be proven true. The opposite wasn't supposed to happen. Because if Jaebum was truly capable of that type of loyalty and had no intention of falling out of love even if years passed and he never saw Youngjae in that time, then what had been the purpose of breaking up to begin with? If he was going to stay so determinedly in love, what had they been doing spending the last few years of their life apart?

 

Youngjae got to his feet, feeling like he was going to be sick. "I...I...I have to..."

 

"Youngjae," Jaebum said quickly, taking his hand. "Please don't go. At least hear me out a little bit longer. Or if you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it. I just... I've been waiting so long to see you again, and I don't want you to go. Please just stay a while longer."

 

Youngjae sank back into his seat, his body feeling an incohesive tumult of emotion. Was he elated? Was he enraged? Was he angry with himself or Jaebum or with no one at all? He couldn't tell. He simply felt besieged by too much at once, unsure of what to say or do.

 

"You were right to breakup with me," Jaebum said softly. "I had everything in the world, and I threw it away. I realize that now. If I were you, I would have thrown the entire bowl of pasta in my face rather than talk to me again. But I'm glad you didn't. Just getting to hear your voice again...getting to listen to that song one more time... I still remember everything, you know. I'll always remember it. Everything about you is imprinted inside of me, and I can't take you out. I don't want to. The way Mark and Jinyoung looked at each other today, like they would only ever truly see each other for the rest of their lives...that's how I feel about you. I wish it could have been us today. I wish I hadn't ruined the future where the two of us made it to this point, too."

 

Youngjae felt like he couldn't breathe. He wanted it so badly to be true. And yet he was still so afraid of trusting again. He knew what loving Jaebum could do to him. He knew the height of love, but also the height of pain. To experience one, he'd have to risk the possibility of experiencing the other.

 

"I didn't know how to tell you this without seeming pathetic," Jaebum continued. "I was thrilled when Mark reached out to me to give me this one more chance, and I don't want to blow it now. I hope this doesn't hurt you or make you angry, because that's the last thing I want to do. But I just want to let you know that as soon as I saw you again today, I knew for sure. My heart hasn't changed in the four years we've been apart. I love you and want you more than I ever did back then, especially now that I know what losing you is like. So...if there's a chance for us, you only have to say the word. And if not..." He bit his lip. "I'm glad I could see you one more time looking beautiful in my gift." He reached out, gently brushing the fabric of Youngjae's red tie, the anniversary gift from all those years ago. "And that you didn't forget about me either."

 

Without thinking, Youngjae reached out to grab Jaebum's hand before it withdrew. He took a breath and opened his mouth to speak.

 

---

 

Jaebum

 

"Come with me," was what Youngjae said. He rose to his feet, nearly every inch of his body trembling, and pulled Jaebum out the doors of the reception area and back to the main room where the fold out chairs from the ceremony were still set up. He dragged Jaebum all the way up to the piano and sat down on the bench, gesturing for Jaebum to sit on the lid.

 

"I haven't written a song over the past few years," Youngjae said in a tremulous voice. "Or at least nothing deeper than a funny song for children. But this year was different. I had so much inside of me that I couldn't hold it in anymore. So now I want you to listen. And I'll tell you one more story, one that you didn't get to share with me in person."

 

Holding Jaebum's eyes, he began to play the new song. Jaebum had missed his playing in their years apart, and had already been moved to tears from hearing "In Love With You" again after such a long time. As always, there was something about Youngjae's music that spoke to his soul in the way no other music did. This song was no different. It evoked the loneliness of the past years, the deep moments of self-loathing and regret, the sheer despair of experiencing a heartbreak that never lessened or got better with time but just kept cutting and cutting you over and over again.

 

But through all that pain, he could feel something that resonated with him even deeper: a fierce desire to cling to love no matter how much it hurt. The unchanging love for just one person which loneliness and self-loathing and regret and despair couldn't shake. The thing that had kept Jaebum holding on for all this time was right there in this song that Youngjae had written for him.

 

Youngjae held his eyes as he played, letting Jaebum see the emotions as they passed across his expressive face. There were some he was responsible for, some he still owed apologies for, but for the most part, there was very little resentment in his emotions. He wasn't blaming Jaebum. He was simply laying it all out and letting him know that this was how he felt. These were the cards they were playing with.

 

Something's going to happen with this boy again, Jaebum realized upon seeing that look in his eyes. Either it's going to be forever, or it's going to be never. I just don't know which one he's going to choose. All I know is that I can never go halfway with him again. It has to be all in or fold.

 

When the song finished, Youngjae set his hands in his lap, clasping them tightly. "From the day I sent you away until this day right now," Youngjae said in a soft voice, "I have never for a single second stopped loving you. I think about you in the morning when I wake up. I think about you at night when I go to sleep. On each and every date Jinyoung made me go on, all I did was think of you and how none of those guys would ever be able to make me feel what you made me feel. I thought of you and thought of you until this song built up in me and I couldn't contain it anymore. I thought of you in every note of it. I thought of how I couldn't stop loving you and how I wished you could be with me and how much every moment felt empty because you were no longer there. I thought of how I did this to myself, because I knew from the moment I said goodbye that this would happen. I told you that when I saw you sitting on my piano for the first time just like you are now, I knew you were the one I was calling for. And when I fell in love with you properly, I knew that I wasn't going to find anyone else. You were the only one who was going to fit."

 

"Then why did you send me away?" Jaebum asked. "I know you didn't trust me, but... I could have proven myself at your side instead of away from you. It would have been so much easier on us."

 

"I'm not a strong person, Jaebum. And I thought it would be harder to endure living with the anxiety of you falling out of love with me again than it would be to live without you, as long as I still had our memories. But I wasn't strong enough for that either. I can't be with you if you're not serious about me. But I can't be without you." He took a deep breath, tears collecting in his eyes. "I thought...I truly thought you'd find someone else. I thought you'd stop loving me and this would be only my burden to bear. Why didn't you stop, Jaebum? Why...why didn't you give up on me?"

 

"Why are you yelling at me for being in love with you, Choi Youngjae?" Jaebum asked gently, his cheek. "Shouldn't that be a happy thing?"

 

"But...but...we wasted all that time...we had to be apart so long...all because I was so sure-" He was cut off by a choked sob. "I was so sure you were never going to be able to love me forever. I was...so...so...sure. And now...you're telling me I was wrong?"

 

"Sssh, sssh, please don't cry." Jaebum moved down to the piano bench, wrapping Youngjae in his arms. "Don't regret it. We learned important things in those four years apart, things we may not have learned if we'd always been together. We learned what it feels like to lose each other and how much we need each other to be happy. This time, being wrong is a happy thing. Because I'm going to be together with you from now on. I'm never going anywhere again. And I'm going to love you and treasure you without fail for every day of our lives, all right? So stop crying, OK? Everything's all right. Everything will be fine."

 

"I missed you so much," Youngjae whispered into Jaebum's shirt as he leaned into him, accepting his embrace. "I felt like I could die from it."

 

"I know, I know," Jaebum said softly. "Me, too. But I'm here now. I'll always be here. I won't let you down."

 

Jaebum continued to hold Youngjae as he cried, pressing his cheek against his soft hair. It felt like he was holding a miracle in his arms, one that he needed to cling to for dear life. It had never been a certainty that he'd find his way back. In those years apart, he'd agonized over it every day, the likelihood that Youngjae would never take him back, and that he would find someone else to fill the space inside him and discover Jaebum hadn't been the one he was looking for after all. He felt like a fool sometimes for clinging so insistently to a love that had already said its final farewell to him.

 

But Youngjae had been clinging to it too. Even apart, they had loved together. It had never truly been over for either of them at any point.

 

He held on to Youngjae until his tears were dry, then loosened his arms so Youngjae could look up at him with his damp and splotchy face. "Jaebum," he said in a surprisingly strong voice. "I'm betting everything on you. You know what that means, right?"

 

"I know. I'm never going to give you a reason to mistrust me again. You'll never have to worry about me falling out of love for a second of your life."

 

"Good. And for my part, I won't doubt you. I won't waste all our time questioning what could happen. I'll just trust we'll take the right path this time, now that we both know better."

 

"And I'll do my best to be worthy of that faith." He ran a finger down Youngjae's cheek. "I'm not going to give you any more reasons to cry, sunshine. I missed your smile so much."

 

"Me too. I feel like I haven't really smiled in a long time." He sniffled. "But I don't know if I can do it now, with my face a mess like this. It won't be pretty."

 

"I don't care. I'll love it all the same."

 

Youngjae grinned then, a deep and genuine smile that made Jaebum's heart roar to life after the long period of isolation. He smiled back, delighting in the beauty of the moment, the pure joy that came with being together with the person you loved. He'd never take it for granted again, not even for a second.

 

"Welcome back, Im Jaebum," Youngjae said, tracing Jaebum's jaw with a light touch. "You found me again."

 

"It's good to be back, Choi Youngjae. Thanks for waiting."

 

He leaned in and kissed him on the lips, welcoming the long awaited return of the much missed feeling. He tasted different than he had before--there was so much different now that they'd have to spend their time getting caught up on. But for now, it was enough to feel the familiar feeling of love and excitement rushing through him at the touch. There was no "At Last" or preplanned sense of occasion, but he felt it just as deeply as their first kiss. He knew it was the first of a new chapter that would lead to a whole lifetime to come.

 

---

 

Jinyoung & Mark

 

"Well," Jinyoung said, closing the crack in the door they'd been peeking through and leaving the couple to their privacy. "You were right."

 

"What was that?" Mark asked. "I didn't hear you."

 

"You just want me to say it again, don't you?"

 

"Yes."

 

"I decline." He reached out to grab Mark's hand nonetheless. "Thanks for today. I know you didn't think it was necessary, but I'm going to frame our certificate and hang it on the wall and stare at it every day and just bask in the glow of having you as my life partner."

 

"And yet still complain about me every chance you get, correct?"

 

"I don't want you to get too egotistical," Jinyoung said with a smile.

 

"Naturally. And I wouldn't call our ceremony today unnecessary. I do very much like these rings we settled on." He lifted his jasper ring up to admire it. "And to think most men settle on plain silver or gold."

 

"Most men don't commit their lives to rock nerd geochemists." Jinyoung lifted up his own colorless scheelite ring. "But are you seriously suggesting that the best part of today was the part where I gave you a new form of your favorite stone?"

 

"Not at all. The best part of today is the best part of every day: getting to be with you. Although I won't deny that getting to spread the joy to Youngjae and Jaebum was an added bit of pleasure."

 

"Still this is the last time I'm ever going to let you get involved in matchmaking."

 

"As if your efforts to set Youngjae up weren't the ones seriously lacking in direction."

 

"Excuse me, Mark Tuan, but I once put together a match so perfect that they are quite possibly the world's happiest and most loving couple."

 

"And who's that?"

 

"You and me."

 

"Oh, so you're claiming responsibility for that? If it had been up to you, you'd probably still be following me around chirping in that fake upbeat voice of yours about whether I was settling in or not."

 

"I don't want to be judged by the person who refused to talk to me because he was too socially unaware to just tell me outright."

 

"And I don't want to be judged by someone who thought my detailed explanation of jasper was boring."

 

"It was, though."

 

"You only think so because you still have no idea what impure silica means."

 

"How fortunate that I've now given you a lifetime to explain it to me."

 

"Fortunate indeed."

 

"I love you, Mark," Jinyoung said, squeezing his hand.

 

"I love you, too, Jinyoung," Mark said, the words for once coming out of him exactly as he meant them. "This is going to be a fascinating journey, together with you."

 

---

 

Youngjae & Jaebum

 

"Where exactly are we going?" Youngjae wanted to know as they left the venue. There was a night sky of stars overhead, indicating how late it had gotten. Mark and Jinyoung were still inside, slow dancing in each other's arms, oblivious to the passage of time, but everyone else had already left.

 

"I'm not sure," Jaebum admitted. "Where do you live now?"

 

"Are you asking because you want me to take you home with me?"

 

"Or just walk you home, if that's what you prefer."

 

"I live out of town for the time being. I'm crashing at Mark and Jinyoung's new place."

 

"Ah... well, I don't advise going back there. I'm sure they'll be wanting to celebrate, right?"

 

"But where else am I supposed to go? Your place?"

 

Jaebum didn't answer, just gently brushed his knuckles against the back of Youngjae's hand. Youngjae took his hand and squeezed it, and Jaebum exhaled gently.

 

"If I could pick anywhere in the world I wanted to go right now, it would be the theater," Youngjae said after a moment. "But it doesn't exist anymore."

 

"They're putting up some kind of supermarket there," Jaebum said with a grimace. "I went crazy when I heard the news. I tried writing petitions and everything to stop the bulldozing plans, but I was the only one who cared. Everyone else was excited to get rid of it."

 

"Everyone else but one. I was devastated when I heard." Youngjae tipped his head back. "It feels like we're homeless now, almost."

 

"We'll just have to find somewhere new, won't we? A new place."

 

"Pick somewhere that doesn't smell like flood damage this time."

 

"What about Febreeze?"

 

"As long as it's a reasonable amount."

 

"All right. If you have nowhere to be tonight and I have nowhere to be, let's go looking for someplace. Since I'm with you, I'm sure we'll find it quickly."

 

"Really?"

 

"Of course. The things you look for have a good track record of showing up when you open your eyes." He his thumb against the back of Youngjae's hand. "And even if not, there's no person on earth I'd rather spend the night looking with."

 

Youngjae was silent for a moment as he looked up into Jaebum's face, a smile slowly growing on his lips.

 

"What is it?" Jaebum asked, lifting an eyebrow. "You're not going to find anything if you just stare at me."

 

"That isn't true," Youngjae said softly. "It's where everything I'm looking for is." He reached up, brushing his fingers against Jaebum's cheek. "Your eyes don't hurt anymore."

 

"Hmmm?"

 

"I'm back inside them. When you look at me, it's like you're finding me all over again." His smile widened again, full of happiness. "Just remember that you don't have to go looking ever again."

 

"Yes."

 

"I'm already here."

 

Jaebum smiled back at him, leaning into him. "How do you survive with that much cockiness, Choi Youngjae?"

 

"Mainly by faking it," Youngjae said, eyes fluttering closed. "But the way you look at me helps, Im Jaebum."

 

 

A/N: I hope you enjoyed going on this journey with these four! Please let me know your thoughts!

 

And I hope you enjoy all the fics to come next month ;) Stay tuned!