Jaebum

Something felt wrong. Jaebum couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

Everything was going well. His grades were in a good place, his test scores promising, and his future heading in a good direction. His boyfriend was as adorable as always, and he'd befriended the new transfer student Park Jinyoung, who had proven to be an incredibly lovely person in all aspects. All of his days were sunny and bright, and he couldn't think of anything he had to complain about.

And yet, something felt wrong, somewhere in his life. It felt like something had shifted off track, and now he was going somewhere he hadn't intended to. But he had no idea why he should feel like that. Nothing major had changed. By all accounts, everything was perfectly fine.

He twitched his hand a little, flexing his fingers. Maybe that was it. It was after school, and Youngjae wasn't with him. He'd texted something about having an appointment to go to, and that Jaebum should come over to his house in the evening instead. Ever since they'd started dating, they'd always walked home together, so most likely that was where the feeling of absence came from. Now that he considered it, Youngjae had been making himself scarce a lot more often recently, especially after that incident where he'd run off in the concert hall. He still hadn't explained himself for that, though when Jaebum had asked Jinyoung what he thought Youngjae's deal was, Jinyoung's reaction had been strangely annoyed.

"It's pretty clear what his deal is," Jinyoung had said, frowning at Jaebum. "Don't you think you're acting a little bit out of line?"

"Out of line? About what?"

Jinyoung's look had been vaguely disgusted after that remark, which made Jaebum feel terrible. He really liked Jinyoung. He was such an amazing and admirable person, and smart and good looking to boot. He wanted Jinyoung to think similarly about him, but apparently his lack of awareness was standing in the way of that.

Now that he reflected on it, maybe things weren't so fine. The issue with Youngjae had gone unresolved, and Jinyoung was apparently a bit ticked at him. Also, he still hadn't gotten around to properly asking Jinyoung to join them at the Jazz Fest, which was fast approaching on the calendar.

As he crossed the courtyard, he spotted Jinyoung sitting on the gym steps alone, his mood instantly brightening. These days, Jinyoung had always been running off right after school, and if not, he was with Mark Tuan, the other transfer student. It was hard to get him on his own, which made now the perfect time to talk to him about the Jazz Fest and hopefully get to know him a little better one-on-one, now that neither Mark nor Youngjae were around.

"Hey, Jinyoung," Jaebum said, grinning broadly. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," Jinyoung said. His return smile was a bit wary. "You? Where's Youngjae?"

"Dentist's. Mind if I sit next to you?"

Jinyoung shrugged. Jaebum took that as enough of a go ahead, and sat down beside him.

"Are you still settling in OK?" he asked, glancing at Jinyoung from the corner of his eyes. He really was ridiculously handsome--it was a shame he'd joined their class too late to join in any theater productions. Jaebum would have loved acting alongside him "No problems?"

"It's going as well as can be expected, I guess. In terms of dealing with the other students, I mean. Overall, I've been really happy, so I don't regret coming."

Jaebum frowned. "I'd heard something about people trying to bully you a little? What's up with that?"

"It's nothing. It's mostly Mark they're targeting, and since I'm so close to him, it's open season on me as well. Not that I care. It's not going to stop me from being close to him."

"That's terrible. If you need someone to take care of them for you..."

"What? Are you an iljin who takes out people after school?"

"Uh, not exactly..."

"Then don't worry about it. This is for us to deal with. You should focus on looking out for yourself, and..." He fell silent for a moment. "Um...is it OK if I know that you and Youngjae are dating?"

Jaebum stared at him in surprise. "Wait, how did you know about that? We've been trying to keep it on the down low considering everything."

"I'm sorry. I know it's private. It's just that when Youngjae looks at you, it's like the sun is pouring out of his eyes. That kind of thing is hard to hide. I'm sure most people don't notice because they don't want to make that kind of assumption, but...well...I can understand how Youngjae feels, so I can see it clearly."

"What do you mean?"

"It's Mark." Jinyoung reached into his pocket and pulled out an orange bit of stone and began playing with it in his hands, much in the same way Mark was always playing with his red stone. "I'm in love with him."

"O-oh?" Jaebum asked, completely caught off guard. To his surprise, his initial reaction was disappointment, which deeply unsettled him. Why should he feel disappointed that Jinyoung was in love with someone else when he, also, was in love with someone else? He must be interpreting his senses incorrectly. Of course that wasn't the issue at hand. Maybe he was just having a hard time envisioning someone like Jinyoung with someone like Mark. But that was also an incredibly wrong way to think. From what Jaebum had seen of Mark, his occasional strangeness didn't negate his good nature, and of course, he did seem to particularly like and feel comfortable with Jinyoung. It was pretty stupid to assume that he himself would make a better boyfriend for Jinyoung when Jinyoung clearly enjoyed spending time with Mark more. Nevermind the fact that he shouldn't be thinking of what kind of boyfriend he'd be to Jinyoung. He already had a boyfriend.

As Jaebum thought it out a little more, his emotions kept shifting. The emotion that had felt uncomfortably like disappointment began to subside a little. Perhaps he'd gotten a little too swept up in his admiration of Jinyoung and had become needlessly possessive because of it. Jinyoung being in love with Mark was a good thing, if it made him happy. And if Mark had someone who loved and understood him, that was also a good thing. There was absolutely no reason at all to feel anything less than happy for them, and little by little, he could feel the well wishes building in him where they had been resistant before.

"That's great," Jaebum said at length, and he felt like he said it sincerely. "Really. Have you told him yet?"

"Not yet. I'm not really sure how he'd react to it, to be honest. But I'll find a way to tell him properly soon." He turned to Jaebum, his eyes serious. "Hey. Can I give you a piece of friendly advice?"

"Sure?"

"Ask Youngjae out properly to the Jazz Fest and leave me and Mark out of it. Make it a spectacular date for him for just the two of you, and make sure you both remember the reasons why you love him. Because I know you do. Be sure to make it right with him before it's too late."

The 'before it's too late' sounded incredibly ominous to Jaebum before he realized that the deadline for purchasing tickets was coming up. It struck him suddenly how right Jinyoung was. It had been too long since he'd gone out properly with Youngjae. And the Jazz Fest last year had been so incredibly fun for the two of them, one of the most magical nights of Jaebum's life. Why had he even wanted someone else to tag along, he wondered? Of course, it would have been fun to hang out with Jinyoung, but how could anything replace the utter joy of spending every moment focused on Youngjae and walking home with him in the same cloud of magic they had the year before?

Feeling incredibly odd, Jaebum said his goodbyes to Jinyoung and began walking home. Something felt even more wrong than before. It felt like he was snapping out of a drunken stupor and slowly realizing all the stupid things he'd done while under the influence. Something had definitely been off in his reaction to Jinyoung being in love with Mark, he knew he wasn't just imagining it. He knew in his heart of hearts that recently there'd been this part of him that had been dazzled by Jinyoung and internally toyed with the idea of being with someone like him. It had been interesting to wonder about, and perhaps a part of him had been curious if it would ever actually be possible in reality. It was like how some of the girls in his class told their boyfriends in all earnestness that they'd cheat on them with their favorite celebrity, as if it was OK to take advantage of that kind of chance-of-a-lifetime with someone just dazzling enough to somehow make it internally justifiable. But how could it ever be justifiable to love someone and still choose someone else? And now that he was thinking about it clearly, he didn't actually want to date Jinyoung, because dating Jinyoung would mean he would no longer be dating Youngjae.

Youngjae. The thought of him sent a foreboding shiver down Jaebum's spine. He hadn't realized, had he? But no, that couldn't be possible. Jaebum had barely even realized how weird he'd accidentally gotten over Jinyoung, so most likely Youngjae didn't know. That would be a relief--Jaebum already felt terrible enough about it now, but it would make Youngjae feel ten times more terrible if he knew.

Of course things are still the same with me and Youngjae, Jaebum thought determinedly. I'd never choose anyone else over him. I'd never care more about anyone else. But the unsettled feeling still hounded him. Was everything really still the same when it all felt so incredibly off-kilter? Where had he gone wrong and made everything so unnatural like this?

He resolved to take Jinyoung's advice. He'd arrange his date with Youngjae. He'd get his head on straight. Everything would go back to normal. Everything would be perfectly fine.

0

Around six o'clock, Jaebum headed over to Youngjae's and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, the door was being thrown open, and Youngjae greeted him with a radiant smile, so wide it looked verging on painful. "Jaebum!" he said, grabbing him excitedly by the hand. "Come on in. I have something for you."

Barely waiting for Jaebum to kick off his shoes, he dragged him into the dining room. The table was decorated with candles and the Choi's nice set of china, and Youngjae had some pasta cooking on the stove and something baking in the oven--lasagna from the smell of it. His dentist appointment excuse had been a ruse. He'd spent the afternoon planning a dinner date for them instead.

Jaebum turned to him to thank him and plant a grateful kiss on his smiling lips, but was stopped suddenly by something in Youngjae's expression. His smile was wide, but there was something about it that seemed a little wavering and forced. But the biggest problem were his eyes. The look in his eyes was one of the saddest things Jaebum had ever seen, made all the worse by the fact that he was so used to looking into Youngjae's eyes and seeing nothing but love and joy there.

"What is it, sunshine?" he asked, gently Youngjae's cheek and feeling the wave of unease increasing as Youngjae flinched back just perceptibly.

"What is what?" Youngjae asked in a determinedly bright voice. "It's been a long time since we've done something like this. I wanted to do something nice for you."

"Are you sure?"

"What's there to be sure about? Do you not like it?"

"Of course I like it," he said. "But..." But if this is a date, why do you look like you'll start crying as soon as you stop smiling?

"No buts," Youngjae said firmly. "None of that today. Just...let me have this one thing. Let me have an enjoyable evening that's just about us and no one—nothing—else."

He knew, Jaebum realized immediately. He knew about Jinyoung, he must have figured it out somehow. That was why he'd gotten so upset in the concert hall, because Jaebum had been talking to Jinyoung. He'd been paying attention only to Jinyoung even though Youngjae had been playing their song, "Looking for Someone."

He immediately wanted to explain himself to Youngjae. To assure him that it was nothing, that it was already over, and that something that could die so easily wasn't anything to begin with. But wasn't it something, after all? Wasn't the fact that some part of him had let go of Youngjae and reached out to someone else indescribably wrong? Wasn't the fact that he'd let Youngjae see that side of himself and hurt him with it without realizing he was causing the one he genuinely loved pain entirely unforgivable?

How could he have done it? How could he have betrayed Youngjae so carelessly? It was bad enough that he had done it at all, but that he had done it while Youngjae had tried to reach his heart with the song that had been the soundtrack to their falling in love had been truly disrespectful. What was wrong with him? Out of all the things he could have momentarily forgotten, how could it have been the most important moment in his life: the moment he had first met Choi Youngjae and started falling in love?

0

They'd met three weeks into their their first year of high school, entirely by accident. Jaebum had been wheeling a cart full of costumes down to the theater department as a favor to his dramatic arts teacher, and one of the wheel axels had broken while he'd pushed it, causing him to lose his grip on the whole thing and sending it tumbling down the ramp he'd been taking it down. It had hurtled right past the theater department before toppling over to the ground in front of the concert hall entrance.

Jaebum had scrambled to get all the costumes back on their hangers, but had paused upon hearing some piano music coming from the concert hall. The melody was simplistic and not particularly showy, but there was something pure and deeply familiar to it, something that drew Jaebum in without him fully understanding why. It felt like each note was calling out to him, asking him to step forward to meet it.

And so he had. Setting the costumes aside, he'd walked through the concert hall doors so he could listen closer. It was then he'd seen the figure at the piano, haloed by the bright lights above him and pratically radiating a warm glow as he caressed the keys of the grand piano. That was the way Jaebum always remembered him from the moment: beautifully angelic. The pianist hadn't noticed anyone coming in and kept playing uninterrupted, his eyes closed and his whole body swaying into the keys, as if he was also under the spell of the music. Jaebum came and closer until he was right at the piano and could see the stranger's face in all of its soft and sweet detail, the slight upturn of his lips as he played, the hair that fell against his eyelids and tickled against his long lashes.

Jaebum hoisted himself on top of the piano as the piece reached its close, and the pianist at last opened his eyes. In the instant their eyes met, Jaebum knew something was going to happen with this boy. Either he was going to be his future boyfriend, or he was going to be a terribly harsh rejection. But he knew something was going to happen because he had never in his life gazed into eyes that seized his entire body quite like that.

"Who are you and why are you sitting on my piano?" the pianist asked.

"Is this actually your piano? Did you personally drag it in here?"

"The school's piano," he corrected himself.

"I'm Im Jaebum, and I'm sitting here because your song invited me over. I want to get to know it." He leaned in, looking at the pianist more closely, admiring the fine details to him. "Did you write it?"

"Yes...?"

"All right, then let's start with the songwriter. What's your name?"

"Choi Youngjae. And by the way, you're acting so creepy that I'm considering calling school security. Just an FYI."

Jaebum laughed, surprised and pleased by his frankness. "Look, Choi Youngjae, I'm here for your beauty of a song. Don't stand in the way of our mutual attraction. I want to know all of its secrets. Starting with what it's about."

"What do you mean?"

"What's the story behind the song?"

"Does it have to have a story?"

"Do musicians just sit down at their instruments and decide 'I'm going to write music' with no concept of what story they want their music to tell? If so, then I've suddenly lost all appreciation for classical music and think all composers are total sell-outs."

Youngjae smiled faintly. "Well, I can't tarnish the good reputation of classical musicians. It's about looking for someone. That's actually the name of it, too. Looking for Someone."

"Oh? Who were you looking for?"

"No one in particular."

"That would make them incredibly hard to find, wouldn't it?"

"I suppose." This time, Youngjae was the one leaning into him, studying his face closely. "But there are so many people in the world, that it's hard to find almost everyone, anyways."

"All right. Forget about 'who' then. Why are you looking?"

"Because I think everyone in the world has another half. Sometimes it's another person, sometimes it's something they're passionate about that fills them up the rest of the way and gives them meaning."

"And that's what you're looking for?"

"Aren't we all?"

"Fair enough. I suppose I am too, since your song yanked me in here like this. You know what, Choi Youngjae? I bet you wrote the song for me, didn't you?"

"I didn't even know you until just a few minutes ago."

"Maybe. But you wrote this song about someone you were looking for. And I have good news for you about that. You don't have to look anymore. Because you just found me."

Youngjae looked at him in fresh amazement. "You...how do you survive with that much cockiness?"

"Mainly by faking it. But the way you were appreciating my face a few minutes ago helped."

"Well, I think it would be hard to complain about your face. It's the rest of you that's a little sketchy."

"In what way?"

"In a grease-oozing kind of way, to be honest."

"This is the only way I know how to flirt."

"You should research a better way, no offense."

"Why should I when this way already seems to be working? Just look at that cute little smile on your face."

Youngjae slid his hands to his lips. "Cute?"

"Yup. You're on a world class level. Plus you're talented and write beautiful songs and have my new favorite eyes in the world. Want to go on a date?"

"No. I want to stay here and practice my song."

"Can I stay here and listen?"

"You can do whatever you want."

He reached down to touch the keys again, filling the room once more with the beautiful, searching melody. This time he didn't close his eyes, but fixed Jaebum in his gaze as he played, seemingly assessing him and piecing the different parts of him together. Jaebum's mood sobered up a little, and he regarded Youngjae seriously. He didn't mind playing, of course, but he didn't want Youngjae to think he was just fooling around for laughs. Whatever sentiment was working its way through him was both light and incredibly earnest.

During the second listen, Jaebum fell more in love with Youngjae's song. He could get a taste of him in it, the feeling of a good straightforward heart seeking something that would fit perfectly with it, like two pieces designed specifically for each other. He wanted more than anything to be that sought after piece, the only one who could fit snugly into the empty spot. He wanted Youngjae to be the one to fill his own empty spots. It was too early to say for sure if either of them would be so lucky as to find the answer of a lifetime in each other, but he at least wanted the opportunity to find out.

Little by little, Youngjae's face slipped into a grin as he played, and seeing that smile, Jaebum couldn't help smiling back. Jaebum's smile made Youngjae's smile widen, which then made Jaebum's do the same, and suddenly they were both laughing, shivering in delight at this unexpected feeling of connection coming out of nowhere.

"I like you," Youngjae said suddenly, continuing to play. "You're refreshingly simple through all the grease."

"Are you calling me an idiot?"

"Not at all. Though you are some kind of stupid right now. Stupidly infatuated maybe."

"That seems like a fair assessment. So, how about that date?"

"You're a first year high school student with no car and probably no money. What kind of date could you take me on?"

"....um....walking...you home?"

"All right, then. You can walk me home, provided you cut it out with the flirting."

"But how else will you know how much I want to get with you?"

"Your eyes will tell me. Let your mouth tell me other things. Things about you. Things that don't make me want to cringe and feel embarrassed on your behalf."

Jaebum shook his head in amusement. "All right, then. Meet me in the courtyard after school, and I'll promise you a cringe free walk home. Can I get a promise from you, too?"

"Maybe."

Jaebum took Youngjae's hand, his expression becoming more earnest. "Don't go looking for anyone else. Like I said, I'm already here."

0

While the lasagna continued cooking in the kitchen, Youngjae ushered Jaebum into the living room. Youngjae's piano took up a big portion of the room, and the Chois often used the piano bench in place of a sofa, so that's where Jaebum took a seat. He could see sheet music strewn all across the stand, one reading "Looking for Someone" across the top. Jaebum winced, his body filling with a sense of self-loathing. He felt ashamed to even be in the presence of that song the way he was now.

He watched as Youngjae took a seat in the armchair across from him, tucking his legs up against his chest. He wished he could figure out what Youngjae's aim with this date was. He didn't understand why Youngjae was making him lasagna instead of throwing dinner plates at his face. At the very least, they should be having a very serious and somewhat tense heart-to-heart discussion rather than a romantic candlelight meal. Jaebum wished he could bring it up, but he had the feeling Youngjae didn't want him to. He hoped this wasn't some kind of attempt on Youngjae's part to win him back, since that would make him feel even more pathetic to have driven Youngjae to such uncharacteristic measures. Youngjae shouldn't have to extend himself to please Jaebum after Jaebum had basically ignored him for weeks straight.

In any case, perhaps expecting to understand Youngjae's motivations was asking too much when he could barely even understand his own. Thinking back to the first year version of himself left him at a complete loss as to how that boy who had spent an entire month wooing Youngjae to the extent of lighting candles once a week at church and begging for divine assistance could grow up to take Youngjae for granted.

"Jaebum," Youngjae said, snapping Jaebum out of his thoughts.

"Yes? What is it?"

"I know you said I didn't have to, but I wrote you another song," he said. "I'll play it for you tonight, after dinner."

"You did?" Jaebum couldn't imagine what a song written about him over the past month would sound like. Most likely similar to a funeral dirge, a far cry from the song Youngjae had written for him in their second year. That one had been entitled "In Love With You," and had been blissfully happy, though interpreted in Youngjae's trademark simple, straightforward style. It had been filled with memories of their first year together, and listening to it never failed to bring a giddy feeling to Jaebum's chest, the same kind of feeling he got whenever Youngjae said "I love you" to him.

"Don't worry," Youngjae said. "I did it because I wanted to, not because I had to. There was something I had to say, so it came from me naturally."

"It's fine, then," Jaebum said, swallowing. "Hey. I was just thinking about the first one. Your first song. Looking for Someone."

Youngjae's eyebrows went up, and his expression became a little guarded. "Yes...?"

"It made me realize. The other week when we were talking, I said something along the lines that it wasn't written about me. I don't know why I said that. I don't know what I was thinking."

Youngjae looked genuinely relieved to hear this, a small piece of the sadness in his eyes dispelling. "I'm glad you didn't forget. If you had, it would have really been..." He trailed off. "Anyways, I'm just glad you remembered. I've been thinking about it recently, too. And while I was thinking about it, I realized that when you think of that moment, your perspective is completely different from mine. You see it only from your eyes, and you have no idea what I was really feeling. Would you mind if I told you, or would you like it to stay a mystery?"

"Wasn't 'this guy is such a creep' basically what you were feeling?"

"Partially. But when I opened my eyes and saw you sitting on the piano, the feeling was a little bit different. I'd written that song with the thought of calling out someone to come to me, so when you were there right when I finished, I couldn't help but think 'Wow. He found me much faster than I thought he would'."

Jaebum stared at him in shock. He'd had no idea that Youngjae's first reaction had even been close to that.

"Then, after you kept talking, THEN I was slightly concerned that I hooked in a creep," Youngjae said, laughing a little. "But the more I studied you and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I was looking for someone to quickly find me and come into my life as if it was only natural since it was the space where only they could fit. Of course a person like that would be stupidly upfront and confident that they were the just right person. I had found the exact kind of person I'd been looking for. That was exactly what I thought."

"Wow," Jaebum said softly. "I never knew."

"And I'm sorry about that. Maybe I didn't need to tell you that in words. But I should have shown you in other ways. Both of us...we should have figured out how to be more open with each other before..." He fell silent again.

"Youngjae..."

Youngjae waved his hand dismissively. "It's fine. I just wanted you to have my half of the story. It's just my little way of letting you know that I knew it was you from the very beginning, even though I acted like I didn't. I wanted to make you prove it to me. I loved watching you make all that effort and sacrifice all that pride and cockiness you had. But I knew it was you. I knew you were the one."

Jaebum's throat throbbed with all the words that weren't coming out of it. He didn't know what the right thing to say was. He didn't know what to say to get Youngjae to forgive him if he hadn't, or what to say to deserve it if Youngjae already had chosen to forgive him.

Youngjae extended his hand and rested it on his knee, as if to attempt to quiet and refocus Jaebum's thoughts. "Now I want to tell you a little bit about the song 'In Love With You'. I started writing that after the first time we went to the movie theater together. Do you remember that?"

Of course Jaebum remembered. After all the work he'd put into that moment, there was no way he could possibly forget.

0

The movie theater was the neighborhood ghost. It had flooded a few years ago after a historic heavy rainfall, and the owners, most likely lacking insurance, had abandoned it. For reasons Jaebum never understood, no one ever did anything with it. It remained an empty shell on the outskirts of the shopping district, and everyone looked past it as if it wasn't there.

Jaebum had been fascinated by it. It had smelled rancid after the flood, but when time had passed, it made for a good place to hang out on his own when his parents were bothering him or he wanted time to think. There was something eerie about it and all of its vast emptiness, but it was one of the things he liked about it. Maybe it was childish, but every time he stepped inside it, it felt like an adventure.

When he started dating Youngjae, he knew without question that he was going to take him there. If anyone could understand his attraction to the place, it would be Youngjae, who had an adventurous spirit of his own and would have a blast getting spooked by the looming possibility of ghosts. But for the first time, he wanted it to be more romantic than anything. Little by little, he began to prepare it. He filched his mom's supply of Febreeze and sprayed down the cushions to eliminate any lingering odors. He dusted off the light fixtures and threw out any unsightly debris left from the flood or from other squatters dropping by for a secret smoke or drinking binge. He snuck in his dad's LED projector and practiced his timing with the remote to get the scene he wanted displayed on the theater screen at just the right moment.

When everything was finally ready, he'd sprung the idea on Youngjae on their way home from school.

"Hey," he said. "You know the abandoned movie theater a few blocks away?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"I want to take you there. It's been my hideaway for the past few years."

"Really? What do you do there?"

"Not much of anything. I just like the quiet."

Youngjae lifted an eyebrow. Jaebum could read his thoughts on his face: so, if there's nothing to do there but it's quiet, we're going to make out there, right?

Of course they were, but it was going to be a hell of a lot more atmospheric than Youngjae was likely anticipating. They hadn't had their first kiss yet—mainly because they couldn't risk doing it at school, and both were slightly freaked at the moment about the potential of being caught by parents or siblings—and Jaebum wanted it to be a memorable one, something that would truly wow Youngjae. There had been a few times where he'd had an opening to slip a kiss in if he'd wanted, but had held off in favor of waiting for the right moment.

Jaebum led Youngjae into the theater and past the concession stand to where the single screening room was. As they entered, he bumped the lights to the pre-arranged setting he'd set up in the circuit room, the low, moody lights of the theater before a movie began rather than the kind of pitch black where they couldn't see each other properly.

"Wow, it actually smells good in here," Youngjae whistled in appreciation. "Like air freshener."

"Febreeze," Jaebum corrected.

"You...you've been Febreezing the abandoned movie theater?"

"Would you rather I had left it smelling of dried floodwater?"

"I'm just surprised. It was very considerate of you." He turned to Jaebum, his eyes expectant. "So...you're going to kiss me, right?"

Jaebum flushed defensively. "Not just like that!"

"Oh...so we're going to have a 'moment' first, and then you're going to kiss me?"

"How can we have a 'moment' if you've pretty much already ruined it, Choi Youngjae? God." He huffed in annoyance, disappointed that his carefully laid plans had crumbled so quickly. "Let's just go if you're going to be like this."

"Jaebum." Youngjae stepped closer to him, placing a hand against Jaebum's hip. "I think it's cute."

"You're just making fun of me now, aren't you?"

"No. I'm not. I'm so happy you want to make this special. But it already is, you know? Every moment with you is already the most special of my life. You don't have to make a big effort."

"I know that. But I just want..." He looked down into Youngjae's upturned face. "I don't want to give you a single average moment. I want them to be so vivid that there's no way you'll ever forget, even if time passes."

"Don't worry about that, Im Jaebum," Youngjae whispered, his eyes fluttering closed. "There's no way I'm ever going to forget about kissing you."

They kissed there in the center of the theater aisle, wrapped in each other's arms. Jaebum could practically feel the hush of the air around them, the deceptive quietness of the moment that contrasted with the magnitude of its nature. Youngjae was everything he had dreamed of, a sweet warmth in his arms, a thud in his heart, a treat melting deliciously against his lips. It felt like the realization of a perfect dream, one where the details were so fantastical that you couldn't dare to open your eyes lest they vanish in the morning light.

He felt Youngjae reach into his back pocket and grab the projector remote, jamming the power button without breaking off their kiss. The projector whirred to life and music filled the empty space, the seductive strings of Etta James's "At Last" from the American movie Jaebum had dug up to provide the BGM for their first kiss. It was the perfect intimate song, and it had just the effect he'd wanted as it began. Youngjae melted further into his arms and their kiss deepened to the extent that it all the breath from Jaebum and left him dizzy.

Youngjae pulled away from him, looking into his eyes with a beautifully joyous expression. "You're such a sap," he said. "I love you."

That had been the first time he'd ever said it aloud, and hearing it made it feel as if Jaebum's heart could burst. He grabbed Youngjae around the back and spun him around in his arms, laughing a little at Youngjae's surprised squeak. The movie scene played on in the background, a gorgeous image of pink flower petals fluttering to the ground.

"I should have been the one to say that first," Jaebum said, setting Youngjae back down on the ground.

"You did," Youngjae said, reaching up to pat Jaebum's cheek. "By Febreezing an entire movie theater. I heard it loud and clear."

0

The timer for the lasagna went off before Youngjae could tell his story, so they moved into the kitchen, Jaebum taking a seat at the table and Youngjae preparing the pasta in a big bowl and setting the lasagna on a trivet to cool before he moved it to the table. Everything smelled delicious. It surprised Jaebum that he'd never had the chance to learn that Youngjae was a capable cook before now. They'd never had the opportunity to make dinner for each other until tonight.

Youngjae poured them both glasses of non-alcoholic sparkling cider, then sat down across from Jaebum. "All right, fill up. I'd prefer not to have leftovers to explain when my parents come back tonight. Eat as much as you want."

"Thanks for this," Jaebum said, nodding to everything on the table. "You didn't have to do so much for me."

"I wanted to," Youngjae said matter-of-factually. "It's one of the things I've always wanted to try doing for you, and I didn't want to miss my chance. Anyways, let's move back to what I was talking about before. That time in the movie theater." He smiled distantly. "As soon as you told me you wanted to take me there, I was pretty sure you were going to try to pull something on me. It's not typical to take your boyfriend to an abandoned movie theater if you don't have something more exciting up your sleeves, I would imagine. As soon as I stepped inside and smelled all the Febreeze, I knew for sure."

"Well, sorry for being such a sap," Jaebum said a little crossly.

"That's not something you need to apologize for. It's one of the things I love about you. You wanted to make me so wild for you that you thought you needed to do all these above and beyond things to leave an impression. Of course that would make me happy, that I was loved to that extent. But I also didn't want you to think that it was something you always needed to do. That's why I teased you about it and kissed you before you could put your plan into action. I wanted to show you that I didn't need it. And the reason why I stole the remote and gave us the moment you had planned anyways was to also show you that I loved you for the effort you'd put in, even though it wasn't necessary."

Tears suddenly clouded Jaebum's eyes as he swallowed his lasagna. It was beautiful to hear about how much Youngjae loved him, but hurt in equal measure as it reminded him of how poorly he had treated that love. What had happened to the boy who had Febreezed an entire movie theater just to give Youngjae a magical moment he'd never forget? How could the boy who had done that turn into the one who hadn't even kissed him properly in weeks because he'd had his mind on someone else?

"Youngjae, I..." Jaebum started to say. Though he didn't deserve it, he wanted to plead to him for forgiveness. He wanted to tell him that even though he'd behaved like an idiot, he still remembered the preciousness of that kiss as if it were yesterday.

Youngjae shook his head quickly. "No. Not now. Right now, I want you to eat your dinner. I want to talk about our happy memories. 'In Love With You' wasn't just about the movie theater. It was mostly about everything after our first year anniversary. Like the Jazz Festival."

"About this year's Ja-"

"No," Youngjae said again, more firmly. "Don't. I... I can't talk about now. We can talk about now when I play you my new song. This time, we need to talk about before." He cleared his throat determinedly. "The red tie. Let's start with that."

0

The red tie had been Jaebum's birthday gift to Youngjae that year--a really terrible gift he'd picked out because he had no idea what a person was supposed to buy their boyfriend in high school. In movies, women were always giving their boyfriends high quality accessories like watches, cologne sets, and ties, and the only one of those within Jaebum's budget had been a tie. He'd splurged on a really nice one from a local boutique and given it to Youngjae with a lot of ceremony at the restaurant where they'd gone out to eat.

"A tie?" Youngjae asked when he'd opened it. "Seriously?"

"It's an expensive one," Jaebum informed him. He didn't blame Youngjae for his reaction. He'd already known it was stupid when he'd picked it out. "Only the best material."

"I can't wear it to school, though. Our dress code says we're required to wear navy blue."

"Well. You'll enter into a company one day, and you'll have the best tie of all the employees."

"Right..." He tilted his head. "Honestly, considering it's you, I was expecting something more... symbolic."

"Like...?"

"You buying a star in my name and telling me I'm the brightest star in your sky or something. Or bribing the school orchestra to play 'Looking for Someone' for you to record and give to me on CD."

Jaebum wished he'd thought of that. Still, what was done was done. He'd already given him the tie, now he just needed to find a way to make it more special.

That was why he'd bought the tickets to Jazz Fest to begin with. Anyone who arrived in jazz or swing styled clothes would be entered into a drawing to win a bass guitar, and he knew Youngjae's red tie would match well with a nice pinstripe vest and fedora he had for a suitable suave look. He hadn't been expecting much to come from attending the event, since he wasn't particularly into jazz, but as long as it gave Youngjae an excuse to wear his pointless gift, it would be worth it.

The whole event wound up being a lot more fun than he'd thought. There were numerous band and solo singer performances, and Youngjae ate it right up, gleefully singing along the jazz standards and bopping his head to the infectious rhythms. He'd particularly loved the solo piano performance of Duke Ellington's classics, and Jaebum had been happy to see him happy.

And then, when the night was coming to an end, they went to a swing performance and the impromptu dance-off had happened. It had been incredible to see the crazy moves some of their classmates had been capable of, but Jaebum had been more enraptured by the joyful look in Youngjae's eyes as he watched. He got so much energy from the world around him that it made him light up from the inside and appear even more stunningly beautiful in Jaebum's eyes. And yet all the same, he tended to stay on the fringes and let others do the shining while he just soaked it up. Jaebum was the only one who ever saw him haloed in the spotlight, showing all that he was capable of. And in that moment, Jaebum just wanted to let him shine and let the world be blinded right along with him.

And so, without hesitation, he took Youngjae's hand and yanked him into the center of the circle. "What are you doing?" Youngjae asked in surprise, suddenly looking nervous.

"Swing dancing," Jaebum said with a grin. "Come on, do it with me."

Dancing came far more naturally to Jaebum than it did to Youngjae, so he took the lead, grabbing Youngjae's hand and moving him into a twirl before spinning him closer to catch him in his arms and dip him back. Youngjae's face immediately lit up in amusement, and Jaebum grinned right back. Their classmates were cheering them on, not knowing they were watching a pair of lovers instead of a pair of school friends, and Jaebum reveled in the freedom of it. He lifted Youngjae back up and spun him in his arms, staring up into his radiant face and wondering how one person could contain so much happiness inside of themselves that it was able to slip out and touch others so easily.

He set Youngjae back down, finishing off by playfully grabbing his red tie and tugging it forward. "iest tie in the world," he murmured in Youngjae's ear. "And you're the proud owner, you lucky boy." Youngjae laughed and smacked him on the arm as another pair of dancers came and took their place.

They'd held hands all the way home, laughing together and stumbling around in a haze of bliss and silliness, singing and dancing and smiling until their cheeks hurt from it. When they reached the abandoned theater, Jaebum abruptly pulled Youngjae inside, keeping the lights turned off as they walked through the lobby.

"It's late," Youngjae pointed out.

"Yes, it is," Jaebum said.

"Just wanted to establish that."

"It's been established." They went into the dark theater, and Jaebum immediately pushed Youngjae into the wall and started kissing him.

"Mmmm," Youngjae murmured, grabbing Jaebum's shoulders. "You've been wanting to do that all evening, right?"

"Yes." Jaebum moved his lips to his jaw, pecking along his flushed skin and down to his neck.

"Ah! It's the red tie after all, isn't it? It's been your weakness all along. A Jaebum-aphrodisiac. That's why you got it for me."

"You talk too much, Youngjae," Jaebum informed him before kissing him quiet, pressing him harder into the wall. His body felt like a blazing inferno, different than how it had ever felt before. He grabbed for the tie in question, pulling it off from around Youngjae's neck.

"After all that work you put into getting me into it, you're just going to take it off?" Youngjae asked softly.

"Yes."

A smile slipped across his lips. "Good. That was the gift I wanted from the start."

0

"I wrote 'In Love With You' when I got home that night," Youngjae finished. "Or at least the first bars. My mother yelled at me for playing piano when everyone else was trying to sleep, so I had to finish in the morning. I still wish I had been able to finish it while it was all still fresh."

"It still came out perfectly," Jaebum said.

"Yes, but I still can't help but wonder how it could have been. But we'll never have a way of knowing. It already took the path that it did." He rose to his feet. "My parents will be coming home soon, so I'll worry about the dishes later. I think...I think now's the time for me to perform my new song. Now that we've both remembered."

He brought Jaebum back to the living room and gestured for him to sit in the armchair while Youngjae took a seat at the piano bench. Jaebum could see him trembling as he lifted his hands to the keys, but he took a deep breath and steadied himself, closing his eyes. His fingers found the notes for him by instinct, and the song began.

Somehow, it was the most sorrowful thing Jaebum had heard in his life. There was happiness woven in to each bar, and yet every note was touched by grief and loss, as if haunted by an awareness that happiness was fleeting and would one day disappear. The memories would linger, maybe, and provide some measure of lasting comfort, but they would bring pain as well, both a blessing and a curse. Those were the kind of feelings Youngjae seemed to be evoking in his performance.

It struck Jaebum as he listened that the melody called back to the melody of 'Looking for Someone,' while taking an opposite emotional tone with its forlorn, regretful notes. Where 'Looking for Someone' had felt like a call into Youngjae's life, this one was saying something entirely different. It wasn't an invitation. Not one to stay in his life nor one to be let back in for one more chance. It was a bittersweet send off.

And it's written about me, Jaebum realized in growing horror. This is the message he wants to give me. Not 'Looking for Someone'. Not 'In Love With You.' This one is 'Saying Goodbye'.

Youngjae wasn't going to forgive him. Today hadn't been about winning him back or making him see the light. In Youngjae's mind, it was already too late. Their relationship had, as he'd said, already taken the path in this direction, and there was no turning back.

Jaebum lept to his feet, his head a furious whirlwind of emotion, the strongest among them fierce denial that this could be possible, a screeching chorus of "NO NO NO NO NO!" He went to the piano, pressing his hands down hard on the lid and his eyes staring pleadingly as Youngjae played the last few bars, the agonized "NOs" continuing to rip through his body. "Youngjae," he said, his voice coming out in a terrible croak. "Look at me."

Youngjae turned to him slowly, his face wet with tears. "Jaebum," he said. Every note in his voice was completely broken, cutting like glass.

"Is this you breaking up with me? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

The tears started falling harder, and he released a wrenching sob, his face dropping suddenly to try to hide it. He couldn't say it through his tears, but Jaebum knew the answer. There was no way Youngjae would react like this if the answer wasn't 'yes'.

"Why?" Jaebum said, sounding a little shrill in his panic. "Why does it have to be like this? Why does it have to be 'goodbye' if saying 'goodbye' makes you cry this much?"

"B-because...because..." Youngjae took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut as if to stop his tears through force of will. "Because you don't love me anymore."

"If I don't love you anymore, why does it feel like my heart's being ripped out? I love you. I swear upon my life that I still love you."

Youngjae shook his head. "Then loving me doesn't stand in the way of you falling for someone else. It's still the same. If you love me, you don't love me as much as I love you. Not even close. Because I have never, ever even thought about looking at anyone else while in love with you."

"I'm not going to try and defend myself, Youngjae," Jaebum said desperately. "I don't know what came over me. He's nothing to me, nothing like you. He told me he was in love with Mark, and it felt like nothing compared to what this feels like right now."

"But somewhere in your mind, there's a part of you that still wanted that nothing when you already had me. I wasn't enough. Loving me wasn't enough."

His words tore through Jaebum's heart. They were so deeply laced with pain, and he was the one who had caused it. He was the one who had made his lover so wounded that his seemingly endless joy had been crushed into heartbreak. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," Jaebum whispered, his hands trembling as he continued to grind them into the piano lid. "I don't know how I could have of... there's just no excuse. I deserve every kind of punishment in the world for hurting you when you put your trust in me. But Youngjae..if you still love me and I still love you, why can't we fix this? Why do we have to give up now when neither of us wants to?"

"Because," Youngjae said in between sobs, "because if I let you back in, I'll just be waiting for it to happen again. I'll know that you're capable of finding someone else, and I'll spend the whole time just dreading the thought of having to go through this again. You can't ask me to do that, Jaebum. I'm barely even strong enough for this. I can't do it again. It will kill me."

The worst part of hearing this was that Jaebum couldn't fairly brush his concerns away. Because a year ago, he would have never imagined wanting to be with anyone else other than Youngjae, and yet he had wanted it, however briefly in his mind. How could he promise something he'd already failed on once when Youngjae's heart was the thing he was gambling with? What if inside his heart, he was the kind of weak person who would lose himself and betray Youngjae in little ways time and time again until he really did kill him completely with the pain?

"I just wanted one more happy memory with you," Youngjae whispered, ducking his head. "I wanted to make you remember all the things you may have forgotten. And I got to see the look come back in your eyes when you remembered, the look from before. That was gift enough, Jaebum. You don't have to beg me for forgiveness or hate yourself. I'm just happy you didn't forget. I hope... even if it's selfish, I hope a part of you will always remember."

"I never forgot, Youngjae. You gave me your sides of the stories today. But my sides of those stories are never far from my heart. They'll always be a part of me. You'll always be the very best part of me." He reached out to brush away Youngjae's tears. "But don't look at me with that look in your eyes and call it a happy memory, my sunshine. The last thing I've done today is make you happy."

"But you did. You may not be able to understand it now, but you did." He touched Jaebum's hand gently. "And you'll find someone great one day, I'm sure. I know you will. And I'll...one day I'll try to find it in my heart to look again, too."

Jaebum's heart roared in anguish at this, furiously demanding a solution. No. He already found you, you can't just let him replace you with someone else. You were the one who answered his call, you were the one meant to fit the space inside him. Don't let him write you out of that story.

But the argument rang hollow when Jaebum had been the one to look elsewhere first. He had no right to demand anything from Youngjae. He was the one who had brought them to this chapter.

"So," he said quietly. "This is really goodbye then? You and I...we're not together anymore? I'm not...I'm not your boyfriend after this?"

Youngjae nodded weakly. "Yes."

"I just leave you here like this? Sad and in tears?"

"Yes. I need to learn how to pick myself up. I can't ask you to do it for me anymore."

"But I..." Jaebum started to say before stopping himself. Youngjae was already wincing away, not wanting to hear it. He was done. It was already over, and he didn't want Jaebum dragging it out and making it more painful. And Youngjae was already hurt enough without Jaebum making it worse. He needed to stop. "All right." It wasn't all right, but he didn't know what else to say. "Then...goodbye. Thanks for everything and...goodbye."

"Goodbye," Youngjae whispered with a hiccup. "Don't forget about me. Goodbye."

It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. But Jaebum picked himself off the piano, took a breath, and walked for the door, tears streaming down his face. He carried the memories of happier times with him to keep himself intact until he made it home, then locked himself in his room and completely fell apart.

A/N: So...for all of you who wanted me to make Jaebum suffer: accomplished.

Next week will be...  our 'rock' star Mark