Soyeon looked intently at her reflection in the mirror, checking out her appearance. She wore a pink sweatshirt and black pants with her hair tied in a bun. The sweater hung loosely on her body, making her look like she had been sick for ten years. Strands of her baby hair flew all over the place that made her bun looked odd. She hated it. Her body features never seemed to suit any outfits she tried to wear. She hated her pale skin and thin frame. And most especially, she loathed her hair. They seemed to have a mind of their own because whenever she brush it in one line, it would go in another direction. So she always had to do several attempts of tying it just to make it look presentable.

"I might as well become Medusa." Finally giving up on her third attempt, she pulled the tie, her hair fell to her shoulder as she did so. "I hate you, hair," she uttered under her breath. She took the small bottle of moisturizer from her dresser and applied the emollients on her face. She made sure to add more so that it would last longer in the cold weather. Even though she disliked her face, it didn't mean she wouldn't take care of it.

And as much as she wanted her appearance to change, she never wore makeup. Her reason was that she didn't know how and she had no intention of enhancing her skill. The last time she tried applying makeup, she ended up looking like a worn out clown. So she gave up. And she never really liked the idea of it. It was temporary and besides her laziness, she never liked temporary things. She preferred permanency, things she could hold onto for a very long time. Perhaps, it's the reason why she hated herself so much.

So she never understood why Yixing liked her. She definitely had nothing to offer him or anyone really. All she was was a temporary, frangible thing disguised into a human form; a ticking time bomb that would soon explode, wounding anyone who's near enough. Like makeups, she would soon fade away from the depths of the Earth and there was nothing she could do to change it.

She glanced at the clock, she only has three more minutes before she had to leave for her medical checkup. Letting out a sigh, she gazed back into the mirror. This would do. It's not like my appearance would ever change anyway.

She grabbed her backpack on the floor and the cap on her bed before she headed out. As she stepped outside her dorm, a wave of pain rushed through her chest as she was reminded of that night, a night so delightful that ended in so much heartache.

"Soyeon-ah, please forgive me. I couldn't keep that promise."

"What do you mean?" She had asked him then.

"I think.. I-I like you. I'm sorry. I tried to prevent it, believe me. But I couldn't, I can't. I'm sorry."

She couldn't forget the look Yixing had when he told her. He was so full of sorrow and everything about him screamed that he was utterly exhausted. She remembered standing frozen on the spot, absorbing his words full of sadness. It was as if he was begging her to let him go; to set him free from her grasp. And that's when it hit her then as she remembered looking at him intently, she had caused him to be like this. She's the reason why he was hurting, and the fact that he apologized for his feelings crushed her.

When Soyeon didn't utter a word, Yixing studied her face. A mask of bewilderment and apprehension plastered her facial expression. Panic rose in his chest.

"Please don't worry. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to return my feelings. I just.. I needed to tell you because it's been weighing on me for a long long time. And I couldn't take the heaviness in my chest anymore," he said, hoping he had explained it properly.

From her frozen state, Soyeon twitched at his account. "H-how long have you been keeping this?" She stuttered as she asked.

"Don't worry about it, Soyeon. I'll be fine." Yixing uttered, brushing off her question as he looked down to his feet.

"Yixing," she called out to him, her voice was firm. This had caught his full attention. "Answer me, please. How long have you been keeping this? Did it start—last year?" The last words struggled to slip out through . She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if he started having these feelings last year because that would mean she was the most wicked person ever for asking him such favors.

"No. I don't know exactly when I started having these feelings. All I know it's been a long time," he replied, gazing at her. She still had the bewildered and apprehensive expression on her face. He sighed, suddenly regretting his decision of telling her the truth. He should've kept it inside. He was doing okay all these years, so what happened? Maybe he had hit his limit.

"Please Soyeon, I'm begging you not to worry about this. I'll be okay."

Soyeon walked on the sidewalk, her hands were tucked into her sweater pockets as she tried to keep warm. It has been a week since Yixing's confession, and yet his words rang in her ears clearly as though it was just yesterday. She let out a frustrated sigh. How was she supposed to just let it go? It was a huge deal! He had been feeling like crap for so long because of her and he just told her not to worry? Of course, I would! You pabo!

For the past week, Yixing and what happened that night flooded her mind. How was she supposed to face him? What would she tell him? She mentally scratched her head. She was given seven days to come up with what she was going to tell him and to prepare for the day's arrival, and yet she had nothing. Not a single word. And she's not ready to face him at all.

She didn't realize she was standing outside her cardiologist's office until the door was opened. Dr. Lee poked his head behind the door and raised his eyebrow at her, probably finding it weird that she was standing in the middle of the hall. "Ms. Song, please come in. Let's get started," he greeted.

Soyeon nodded and smiled, her cheeks reddening in embarrassment. Once inside, she greeted Dr. Lee as she bowed to him and sat in her usual seat. And having spent many times in the office throughout her life, she instantly noticed the change her cardiologist had made in the room. "New cabinets, Dr. Lee?" she asked naturally, smiling once again.

Dr. Lee chuckled and nodded. "Yes, it's about time. The old ones were as old as me."

Soyeon only snickered at his exaggeration.

Dr. Lee has been her doctor for as long as she could remember. Along with a few doctors, he worked closely with the orphanage Soyeon was from. He was one of the few good doctors whose intention was to only help people regardless of what they receive, and she was lucky enough to have met him when she was young.

"How have you been? It's been quite some time since we last saw each other," Dr. Lee said, glancing at her as he read through some documents in his hand.

"Ne, it's been awhile, I've been busy adapting with so many changes this year that's why I haven't been visiting much. But I'm doing good. Thank you for asking," Soyeon replied, being as polite as always. And Dr. Lee beamed at that.

"How's your new place? Are you settling into university well?"

"It's better than I expected. People in the university are very kind and welcoming. I share a dorm with another literature major and we're like best friends now." She chuckled.

"The people at the orphanage told me you've forgotten about them, even Yoori-ssi. And I told them we should host a pity party because we're on the same page." He chortled.

Soyeon chuckled, joining Dr. Lee's laughter. Although she knew he was only teasing her, she felt a bit bad. She didn't mean to forsake the people who she actually treasured a lot. It was just that this year had been tough for her - with her turning 18 and entering university. She could no longer depend on the orphanage to house her and provide her basic needs. So she worked six days a week and only having one off day in which she spent resting at home.

She didn't even have a home. The orphanage offered for her to stay until university started, but she refused. She didn't want to use up their resources and deprive someone who needed it more than she did, even though she knew it would be hard to find a decent place with cheap rent. It was hard enough to provide for her food and clothing with the little pay she received every month at the book cafe she was working at, she also needed to maintain her healthy lifestyle Dr. Lee had instructed her to have, and not to mention her medical checkups and medicine. The orphanage used to provide all that for her, but now she's on her own.

Nonetheless, everything turned out well. Yixing's mother offered her to stay in their house in Seoul. She refused at first but Mrs. Zhang insisted, giving her excuses like the house was always empty and was only occupied whenever they visited Korea. And although her medical expenses were no longer covered by the orphanage, Dr. Lee made sure she still paid only 50% for her medical checkups. Yixing, her Yoori unnie, and the orphanage were there for her as well, supporting her in the new phase of her life.

Soyeon was really glad she had met these good people in her life. If it weren't for them, she wouldn't be able to be where she was today. She treasured them a lot. And that's why guilt lingered in her chest as she sat in her usual seat in her cardiologist's office. She took a mental note of gathering her act together and start making time for the people who actually mattered.

"Okay, so I trust you don't have any complications in terms of your health correct? No nausea, headache or anything?" Dr. Lee asked, commencing the medical checkup. He had his notebook and pen ready.

"No," Soyeon replied as she gently shook her head and smiled at her doctor knowing fully well that she would instantly call him if she felt anything odd in her body. They have that special bond.

"Okay, that's good," he uttered as he stood up from his desk and went to one corner of the office where a bed was placed. He motioned for Soyeon to sit on it. "Let's examine your heartbeat," he announced as he grabbed the stethoscope dangling around his shoulders.

Once Soyeon was seated, Dr. Lee placed the small disk-shaped resonator of the medical instrument against her back, where her heart rested. The moment the circular metal touched her skin, she slightly jerked from the coldness of it.

She sat still, waiting for her cardiologist to finish examining her heartbeat. She closed her eyes, her mind drifting off to Yixing. She wondered where he was and what he's currently doing. She wondered if she should send him a text message about her checkup today or should I call him? Usually, when he's not around, he would message her right after she had gone to the doctor, but now she doubted he would after what happened the previous week.

Dr. Lee asked her to take a deep breath, which is timely for her because that's exactly what she wanted to do to lift off the heaviness she felt on her chest. She could feel her heart pounding on her ribcage as she held her breath. She could feel it getting faster and faster and suddenly, it went slower until it was back to its normal rate. It's almost as if it was hypnotizing her. Then when she let out the breath she had been holding as her doctor instructed, she grew tired.

"Have you fainted recently? Or do you feel on the verge of fainting?" She opened her eyes as she heard her doctor spoke.

"No," Soyeon muttered, her lips slightly pursed and eyebrows creased as she looked at her doctor confusingly.

"Hmm.. Okay. We have to do some tests now just to be sure your heart is doing well. Is that alright, Soyeon-ssi?" Dr. Lee looked at her and smiled reassuringly.

Soyeon nodded and chuckled at his question because it's not like she had a choice. Regular physical tests were required for someone who has a heart defect like her.

After an hour of undergoing various tests, Soyeon was beyond exhausted. All she could think about was getting some lunch and finally head back to the dorm to sleep.

After she had said her goodbyes to Dr. Lee, she went to the nearest eatery and ordered a simple meal with lesser of anything that would harm her heart. She sat at one of the tables beside the window as she waited for her food to arrive. She was gazing outside, her phone on the table in front of her as she built the courage to send a message to Yixing. Why is it ten times harder to send a simple text? She wondered, getting frustrated with herself. But then again she thought about Yixing, who's had it worse than her. After his confession, awkwardness sparked and grew, creating a gap between them that didn't exist before. And they both knew it.

She picked up her phone, unlocked it and went to the messaging application. She clicked on his name and started typing.

Hey. I'm okay. Thanks for asking.

Too bitter. Deleted.

Hi Yixing. How are you? I have just finished my appointment with Dr. Lee.

Ew, too formal. Deleted

Yo. So are we not gonna talk to each other?

'Yo'? Really? Deleted.

I miss you, Yixing.

Soyeon stared at the phone screen, suddenly the heaviness on her chest earlier began to weigh on her again. She placed her phone back on the table and sighed, feeling like Mt. Everest had abruptly dropped on her.

A young waitress approached her with the food she had ordered. Soyeon looked up and smiled at her. "Gomabda," she uttered, she took her phone as the waitress put the plate of food on the table. She was about to delete the unsent message for Yixing when she saw a bubble with three dots in it, indicating that the person in the message box was typing.

"Ahh!" She exclaimed, impulsively throwing her phone towards the direction of the waitress. The girl jerked in surprise as she stared at her customer with wide eyes. She had almost dropped the glass of water she was holding; water was dripping from the cup, wetting her hand and the table. The phone landed on the floor, almost hitting the girl's foot.

"Omo! I'm so sorry!" Soyeon immediately stood up, helped the waitress and grabbed her phone from the floor. As she checked her phone for dents and cracks, the girl who served her looked at her like she was the craziest person she had ever seen. Soyeon noticed this, so she flashed a ridiculous grin that didn't do justice to her crumbling reputation.

"A spider dropped on my phone," she said as she made out what seemed to be a laugh but only enunciating the word 'Heehee'.

Realizing she had made her situation worse, she slowly turned behind. That was so embarrassing! She closed her eyes and bit the insides of her lips—it almost looked like a grimace—as she smacked her palm on her face.

Then she turned around with a sheepish grin plastered on her face. "I'd like to take this to go please," she muttered to the young waitress and pointed at her food on the table.

The waitress took her food, not breaking her wide eyed gaze on her, and quickly went to the kitchen. Soyeon sighed. She could feel all eyes on her as she dropped to her seat. She raised her hand on eye level and opened her phone, revealing a new message notification. She didn't even know why her hand was shaking nor why her heart was beating incredibly faster than she thought it could when she tapped on the message.

 

 

Pabo: How was your checkup?

Suddenly she felt a strong urge to cry as the overwhelming emotions stirred in her chest. He remembered! He still cares! She was so happy, she couldn't contain the wide grin on her face. It might not do good to her already stained reputation in the eatery but she didn't care.

With shivering hands, she struggled to type a reply.

Me: Same ol', same ol'. How's working for your dad?

 

 

Pabo: Same ol', same ol'. Hey, guess what?

Me: Haha. You're currently pregnant?

 

 

Pabo: What even......no.

Me: Then?

 

 

Pabo: I'm going back to Korea tmrw! Wanna meet for dinner?

Me: It's about time. You're missing a lot on your 2nd year. But sure, I'd love to! :)

 

 

Pabo: Great! I'll pick you up at the university! See ya! :D

Me: See you, pabo.

With her racing heartbeat, she turned off her phone and gazed out the window. She took a deep breath, feeling the cold sensation leave her shivering hands as sweat warmed them. Then she smiled a small smile as relief washed over her.

Everything will turn out okay, in the end, nothing has changed.

But why was her heart beating so fast?