"I've been taught that love is beautiful and kind, but it isn't like that at all. It is beautiful, but it's a terrible beauty, a ruthless one, and you fall—you fall, and the thing is you want to. You don't care what's coming, you just want who your heart beats for."

— Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

 

"Yixing, you have to promise me."

He eyed her questioningly. She wasn't smiling anymore like she was two minutes ago. The commiseration that once filled her facial expression was now replaced with solemnity. But her eyes betrayed the serious ambiance of her features for he could see a bit of sadness in them. It was almost as if she was begging him; whatever it was that she wanted him to promise her, she was pleading him to keep it regardless of what was to happen in the future.

The rustling of the trees averted his attention from Soyeon. He glanced around, surveying the trees and the cloudy sky before turning his gaze to nowhere in particular in the park. He noticed the place had gotten more crowded than when they arrived. Unlike those people who had only come to enjoy the breezy autumn weather, Soyeon frequented the park as it was one of her favorite places in the world. And Yixing, well he was there because of her. He took a deep breath, savoring the fresh air and the moderate heat from the sun. It was indeed a good day.

"What is it?" He asked as he gazed back at her. The mere presence of Soyeon made the day even better. He didn't mind the noises caused by an almost crowded place at all. When he's with her, he seemed to forget about his surroundings and all the bad s thrown in his life. It was as if he was in another dimension, a world so serene he didn't ever want to leave. She made everything better although she's unaware of it. She had no idea how just sitting beside her could save him.

"Promise me you won't fall in love with me." Yixing laughed the second Soyeon said this.

"What?" She exclaimed as she hit his arm. She looked down on her lap and started twiddling her fingers anxiously. Right then, Yixing knew she felt utterly uncomfortable with what she had said to him. She didn't like being misunderstood because she was afraid it would cause people to make a negative misjudgment on her disposition. And there's nothing she hated more than being entitled to some trait that was absolutely not her. So once she felt like her words or actions were misinterpreted, she would give a profound explanation just so she could save herself from being misapprehended. This, he knew so well.

She looked at him with her face flushed and said, "I just don't want what happened to Min Jung to happen to you too."

Called it! He shook his head and snickered in the process. Silly girl, always treated me like I'm everyone else. Didn't she know that it was the last thing he could ever do to her?

"You have no idea how bereft he was. He looks like he hasn't been sleeping and eating properly. He looks...lifeless. He said it himself. He told me he's lost and that he doesn't know how to go on with his everyday life when Soo Jung had been a huge part of it. It's heart-wrenching, Yixing. I almost teared up right there. But I forced myself not to because it would look like I was the one who lost a very special person and you know how judgy people can get." She darted her gaze across the park and looked at two children running around, chasing each other. For a brief moment, she smiled, seemingly forgetting about the conversation that had her heart tugged in sadness.

Yixing smiled as well, but not at the two adorable kids laughing out loud as they chased each other. He smiled because Soyeon did. It was a reflex, an automatic gesture caused by her compelling beautiful smile. Oh how glad he was that she often showed it.

Soyeon looked back at him, and almost instantly, her smile turned into a sad one. "I don't want that to happen to you, Yixing. I don't want you to be inconsolable because of me. I can't rest peacefully thinking that I will be leaving you desolate. Just thinking about it hurts."

"But you're different from Soo Jung, Soyeon-ah. Your health is doing fine," he told her. That was true. Soo Jung had cancer whilst she has a con heart disease.

"Soo Jung unnie's health was doing fine too." That was also true. She was doing well but her cancer came back, and it dramatically deteriorated her health, giving her only a month to live. They were both alike — Soo Jung and Min Jung were childhood friends and were very close too. So, Yixing understood where Soyeon's fear was coming from. She didn't want to hurt anyone, especially him.

Although, he never understood how selfless Soyeon could be. She always cared about others more than herself. She would rather choose something that would benefit others than it would her. Perhaps that's the reason why she isolated herself from the world. She never let anyone get too close to her. She made sure there's a wall between her and everyone. So when her illness finally takes her life, no one would be crushed because of her departure. Even towards Yixing, she tried to distance herself from him many times. But she couldn't. Maybe he had become an exception since they have been friends ever since they were just a bunch of kids, way before she became what she was today. And maybe she felt bad about it — for keeping him even though it was clear she couldn't, and maybe that's the reason why she's pleading him to promise her; to lessen the pain he would endure in the future.

When will you for once be selfish Soyeon? It wouldn't hurt to have what you want in life. He wanted to tell her but he knew she would say it would, for she was already hurting just with the thought of it.

"So Yixing please promise me you won't fall in love with me," Soyeon said with pleading eyes.

See, the thing was he wanted to promise her just to make her feel better, but it was difficult. What she didn't know was that he laughed earlier because he didn't think he was able to keep the promise. He couldn't do it when her presence alone made him extremely happy; when he craved to be with her all the time. Is that even healthy? He didn't know and he didn't care. All he knew was whenever she smiled, he always felt this sensation as though he was falling. Literally falling. And the thing was, he didn't mind at all for he wanted it.

He laughed once again, earning him a confused looking Soyeon. He found everything ironically funny, how unaware she was of how she made him feel and how crazy he was about her, and how she was asking him not to feel that way. He shook his head slightly and flashed a sympathetic smile towards her. There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, but Soyeon didn't notice it.

"I'll try," he said as he rolled his eyes jokingly in an attempt to hide the fact that it took everything in him to say those words. If it was a success, she wouldn't know he meant what he said.

"Yah jinjja! You always don't take anything I say seriously. I'm being serious here you know," Soyeon whined, crossing her arms as she pretended she was upset. She even frowned to sell her act but immediately chuckled.

And right then, something tugged at his heart. Silly girl. Instantly he knew he was in big trouble.

It wasn't until one year later when he realized how stupid he had been. He should've just told her right there. He shouldn't have promised her when he knew very well he wouldn't be able to keep it. So now here he was, sitting in front of her in the restaurant they both loved with a heavy weight on his chest. He looked at her intently as she told him what has happened to her in class that day. But he couldn't seem to hear her words. All he could think about was how it hurt just staring at her. The tugging at his heart never seemed to stop whenever he's with her. And when the weight of keeping all his feelings hidden away became so heavy, he couldn't take it anymore.

And that's when he decided he would tell her. He would finally confess after he had sent her back to her dorm. But what if she didn't take it well? What if it would destroy their friendship? She wouldn't let it happen, would she? They have been friends for so long that their friendship already became so sacred. She wouldn't just let it get ruined by a simple matter, now would she? Wait, a simple matter? What am I thinking? Of course, it's not a simple matter. It's a huge deal. But big deal or not, she wouldn't allow it to get in between their friendship. He knew she wouldn't. She's the only person he had ever trust completely. So she wouldn't, she wouldn't.

"Yixing?"

"Hmm?" His attention snapped to Soyeon. He met her questioning eyes with his baffled ones.

"Well? What do you think?" She held out a funny looking drawing of a stickman and stickwoman. It looked like something a child would draw judging from the quality of the portrait. But what made Yixing furrowed his eyebrows in confusion was the way it was drawn — the woman seemed to be bending down whilst the man's head was tilted down in an angle in which he looked like he was staring at the woman's bum.

"Yeah...well, it's nice. It's just that I don't know what you're trying to portray here." He held out his hand with his fingers stretched out as he pointed to the drawing. He gave her a grin which was met by a blank look on her face. Taking that as a sign Soyeon was unimpressed, he took the paper and examined it. "But you know, nice effort! I mean drawing isn't really one of your strengths but it sure looks amazing," he said, giving her a thumbs up.

"Nice try, jackass. This is one of the children's art." Soyeon snatched the paper from his grip and rolled her eyes at him. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Of course I am!" Yixing exclaimed. "Why would you even think that?" He placed his hand on his chest where his heart rests and sighed, acting as if he was hurt by Soyeon's words.

"Right," uttered Soyeon, dragging the word through , indicating her sarcasm. "Then what am I talking about for the past hour, huh?" She challenged him.

Yixing's mouth slightly opened, his eyes widened as he gazed at her. He pursed his lips and quickly thought of how to get out of the situation. "Y-y-yah! What is that drawing even about, man? What are you even teaching the kids huh, huh, huh?" He jerked his head towards the silly drawing and waved his index finger at her accusingly.

Soyeon stared at him for a minute. She grimaced as she tried to contain her amusement. However, when she glanced at the drawing and back at Yixing's horrified face, she burst into laughter. She cupped her face with her hands to hide her reddening countenance.

"Yah!" Yixing exclaimed as he watched Soyeon's head fell on her arms on the table due to her much laughter. He snickered as he gazed at her and when he saw her grimace, his muffled laughter turned into a chortle.

"Huh, huh, huh?" Soyeon mimicked him and even copied his hand gesture, which made the both of them chortle even more. Soon, their laughter turned into a silent one. "Wa my stomach hurts," she uttered in between her chuckles as she clutched her stomach. Yixing's face was already red from laughing so hard.

After a minute or so, they had finally calmed down. Soyeon took the piece of paper on the table and looked at it. "It's supposed to be portraying a kind gesture. The boy dropped his pen and the girl called him and picked up his pen on the ground. But now thanks to you, I will never look at this drawing the same again," she said and chuckled once more.

"It really looks so wrong. You can't blame me," Yixing replied, raising his hands in mock surrender.

"You're such an idiot." Soyeon just rolled her eyes at him as she snickered. She put the paper back into her bag and fished out her tissue bag.

Who even uses a tissue bag? Yixing wondered as he watched her take some tissues and started wiping the teaspoon (a habit of hers since she was young) from the dessert set she had ordered. When she was sure enough that it was clean, she took a piece of her strawberry shortcake and ate it. "Wow! This is nice! Too bad you ordered chocolate mousse instead of this," she uttered without gazing at him as she took another bite of the cake.

Yixing snickered. "Chocolate mousse is my favorite dessert."

"I know, but try this. It's really delicious!" Then out of the blue, Soyeon reached out her hand so that the teaspoon was near his mouth. He jerked his head backward a little as he was taken aback by her sudden movement. He looked at the teaspoon filled with a piece of the strawberry shortcake and hesitated for a second. His heart skipped a beat and without realizing it, he had held his breath. She had done this so many times before, but why did he panic a little?

When he had composed himself, he let her feed him the chunk of the cake.

"So, how was it? It's delicious, isn't it?" Soyeon eyed him expectantly, a huge grin was plastered on her face.

He nodded as he gave her a thumbs up.

"Told ya!"

He smiled as he watched her eat the rest of the cake. A few strands of her hair had fallen from her messy bun. They swayed gently following the movements of her head. One landed on the side of her lips and she removed it almost immediately. He noticed her lips had gotten paler than usual. It was probably due to the cold weather and not because of her illness, but he couldn't help but fret. He's always on guard when it comes to Soyeon's health, for he didn't want to repeat the frightening event that happened six years ago.

It was cold that night too. They were in his house watching their favorite show at the time, his mother had left them for a while to buy their dinner when Soyeon started being dispirited. She just stared at the TV screen with a blank expression painted on her face. She had gone paler too. Yixing had asked her if she was feeling okay then. She nodded and assured him that she was just feeling cold and sleepy. He shrugged the worry off and resumed watching the show, not knowing that five minutes later, Soyeon would have a heart episode.

The experience had traumatized him greatly. And he vowed to never let the small changes in Soyeon's behavior and health to pass him by.

Soyeon caught him staring at her and as if she had sensed his distress, she smiled that compelling smile of hers to comfort him. Right then, he knew everything was okay, she's okay. He let out a deep sigh as relief washed away all his worries. He smiled back at her, his heart ached when he did. Was it worth risking everything? If he told her, how would she react? Would she be able to handle it? How would he react? Would he keep his distance away from her? Would it be awkward? There were so many gaps that added to the uncertainty of the near future. And the probability of it being turned to the worse felt higher than it being better.

Perhaps it would be best if he didn't tell her. He couldn't risk losing their valuable friendship over such a trivial matter.

But then there it was again — something tugging at his heart. The heaviness in his chest was no longer bearable. He had to let it out or else he would go insane. He had to tell her. He didn't have any intentions, he didn't even need for his feelings to be returned, he just needed to tell her. It's something that he had to do to remove the heavy weight he had been carrying on his chest for a very long time.

For the rest of the time he was with Soyeon, he was quiet. He nodded and smiled at her occasionally so that she wouldn't notice the sudden change in his mood. Everything was blurred out, sounds were muffled as if he was under water. It seemed like all his senses had idled to cater to the ever growing heavy weight on his chest because that's the only thing he felt at the moment. It burned deeper, and for a second he thought it would cut a hole through him.

He had no idea what happened next or the things Soyeon had talked to him about. He only remembered getting up from his seat and floating for quite awhile. And then the next thing he knew he was standing in front of Soyeon's dorm room. She stood in front of him with a concerned look on her face.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

Yixing stared at her confoundedly.

"I've been calling your name but you're not responding. We've arrived three minutes ago."

"Oh..um, I-uh." Yixing struggled to give an excuse as he placed his hand behind his head.

"Yixing, is there something wrong? You've been off since dinner." Soyeon tried to catch his gaze but he was purposely avoiding looking at her.

"You knew?" He tilted his head down. She knew. I thought I successfully hid it.

"Yes, I do. It was obvious. You're usually attentive during conversations but this time you weren't. You seemed distracted. Not to mention the occasional sad look on your face. Is something bothering you? You know you can talk to me, right?"

Yixing then gazed into her eyes. They stayed like that for a few seconds before he sighed and allowed his facade to crumble down, revealing his true condition. He placed his hand behind his head as the knot in the pit of his stomach became too overwhelming. He clenched his fist to gain control of his nerves.

When he looked up back to her angelic eyes, Soyeon saw the dejected expression plastered on his face.

"Soyeon-ah, please forgive me. I couldn't keep that promise."