“In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.”
- Mignon McLaughlin

The sand opened the hole to my world, me in on my first step. I took another step with the water pushing gently against the side of my feet. It was a feeling of nostalgia, and I couldn’t wipe the small sad smile forming on my face. For I was no longer the same woman who used to linger on this beach and feel at home. Rather, it was of great difficulty my friends managed to bring me to this beach again, even though I stubbornly replied with a curt no.

I withdrew my feet from the waters, feeling the cold chill of the night breeze. Retreating, I settled for the lukewarm sand tiredly. Upon visiting this special place was more tiring than I had anticipated. I shied away from the water, reminded by the countless hours spent playing in them. Watching the stars without a care, we shut out the reality and lived in our own little fantasy until reality forcefully yanked us back out into the world. He was my prince and I was his princess in our little fairytale; sadly, we left something unaccounted for and with a rash decision and a final stab with our knives, our world broke apart.

The waves rippled along the shore and I wrote my name in the sand. The sand felt foreign against my body and I lay down on my side in the dry sand after my little walk. I was beyond repair - mentally and emotionally. Once upon a time, this beach had meant everything to me. And now it merely brought back memories I swore I could never return to, let alone allow myself to reminisce.

The sun was beginning to descend, a mix of red and orange highlighting the cloudless sky. My hair covered my face as the wind blew in, carrying away the bitter tears that were beginning to cascade down my cheeks. Time continued to peacefully run while I was caught in the memories I refused to recall but without a doubt, reminded of. I could hardly remember when the last time was that I cried; had it been days, months, or years? The chill of the wind didn`t bring cold. It brought a sense of insecurity and unfamiliarity, like I didn`t belong here.

“Yah Choi Cheonsa, what are you doing here?”

His warm yet alarming voice eluded me and I turned around to see the faint silhouette of his body.

“Myungsoo… Is that really you?” A soft whimper escaped my throat.

A smile crept up his lips, and it irked me that I couldn’t run up to him and hug him right then and there. His perfect visage glowed in the shimmering sunset. His chocolate brown eyes emitted a strong yet soft presence. His sweater fit nice and snug on his body but a loose strand hung low on his sweater, taunting me to pull at it. Lugging behind him was what I presumed to be his guitar. I rolled my eyes in a playful manner, noticing the smirk behind his face. Yet the sheer reality of him being here on this beach was enough to make my stomach flop a few somersaults.

Stepping slowly towards me, he sat in the spot in the sand next to me. Carefully and cautiously, he lifted the delicate guitar from its worn out case. Myungsoo closed his eyes in ecstasy and began strumming the guitar to a very familiar tune. I couldn’t quite place what it was but it washed an infinite amount of relief over me. The sand began to glimmer much more and the waves began to glow from the reflection of the moon.

Yet it was the sad melody that brought bittersweet memories.

The music stopped for a brief moment and I could feel Myungsoo’s gaze on mine. That brought more tears to stream down my face and I couldn’t find a way to stop them. His hand reached out to wipe the tears tracking down my face and his gaze softened. It spoke of sorrow, regret, and something I realized that I didn’t want him to ever say - sorry.

It had been my own fault to so carelessly throw my man away. I hadn’t been the only one in wrong though; he began his habit of visiting his ‘co-worker’ more often than needed, leading us to our demise. I had always known two plus one never equaled everything. Someone would always be at the shorter end and soon I realized that person was me. The vivid memory of grasping him tightly from behind - as if such a small action could hold him back - had been the last contact I had with him. His every movement and contour was forever engraved in my mind, if not, lingering.

The urge to slap his hand away was great but the warmth of it reminded me so much of all the memories buried under the sandy beach. His hand made me think back to many intimate moments between us, things I was never able to forget. As if it made matters worse, more tears began to brim my eyes. Yet Myungsoo didn`t flinch at all; he merely chuckled. Continuing to wipe the endless raindrops my tear ducts produced, he gazed into my eyes, searching for something.

“How have you been?” He started slowly.

“Fine.” My reply came out curt and much coarser than I had imagined. I shocked the both of us but he continued to caress my cheek.

A wave of silence pulsed through the air. The only sounds made were the clashing of the waves against the rocks. The sun had set, welcoming in the darkness that was soon to take over the sun’s job. My heart hammered against my ear, my brain filled with thoughts of ‘he’s here. He’s really here, in front of me right now.’

I gulped the lump in my throat in nervousness and a sense of anxiety and anticipation.

“Is it really you?” I inquired dubiously. It was a childish question, seeing as how he was beside me. He nodded and lay down in the sand in front of me. Unconvinced, I touched every part of his body I was familiar with: his face, his cheeks, his chest, and his hands. The latter chuckled at my actions and grabbed my wandering hands from going any further. I could feel a slight squirm from him under my touch, sending an uncomfortable feeling to my stomach. Had he already gotten used to that woman’s touch to forget mine?

“It is me,” he confirmed with a soft hint of sadness in his eyes.

“It is you…” I repeated ever so softly, still unable to register his presence that lingered next to me. Myungsoo nodded in the way I used to love: slowly but tucking his chin in, making his eyes more prominent. I had wanted to open my arms and let him embrace me, but I knew I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.

For the one who belonged in his embrace was no longer me, but her.

The two of us lay in the sand, the darkness hovering above us while we gazed into each other’s eyes. Not in the loving way we used to, no. It was a gaze that held many bottled up emotions that words had lost the ability to describe. Had it been only the two of us and had we been a little more careful, we wouldn’t be so close in distance, yet so far in love.

Regret washed over me and secretly I had wished he had felt the same thing.

A cold sea breeze rolled over us, causing me to shudder. On instinct, Myungsoo brought me closer into his chest, something he often did when we lay on the beach like today. It was warm and gentle, but his embrace felt like a stranger’s. I was no longer accustomed to it, nor did my body want it. The logic and conscience in my brain screamed for me to squirm away, but my heart told me to stay.

Continuing to shudder, Myungsoo brought his lips to my forehead in a gentle reassuring kiss – something he often did when I was trembling. His magic touch had never left; I stopped trembling within a minute. Yet a thought couldn’t help but cross my mind. Had he done this with her too? My heart and soul felt bitter and was tainted with hatred for that woman. Part of it was for me too.

I looked up into his brown orbs and found him already staring at me. I wish his stare was genuine and actually meant something. Another helpless tear streamed down my cheek and Myungsoo closed the gap between us. I melted in the forbidden kiss that spoke of a true goodbye. A parting kiss, I guess one might say. What made this much more difficult was that this kiss meant a permanent goodbye. We would not see each other again, even if it meant avoiding each other, even if it meant walking the opposite direction if we see each other approaching.

I deepened the kiss, yearning for the taste of his mouth to linger in mine forever. He didn’t hesitate to kiss back and rolled atop of me. A parting kiss turned into a heated make out session, something neither of us was anticipating upon meeting again. It wasn’t until a ring from his phone that brought us back into the harsh reality, causing us to break apart. A silent curse escaped his thin lips, his eyebrows furrowing until he saw who had called. Taking a deep breath, he muttered a few words into the phone, his mouth tugging up into a small smile shortly afterwards. Once upon a time, I had been the one who was given the sole privilege of seeing that smile. Now though, it was clear I wasn’t.

After he ended the call, another tear rolled down my cheek. I knew he was going to take his leave and I would never see him again. His eyes softened at the sight of the tear and wiped them away with his thumb, as if bidding one final farewell. Myungsoo got up to his feet and I got up as well. He sauntered away with his guitar on his back. My stomach tightened, and just like that day, I ran after him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

“Don’t go,” I pleaded. “Please. I can’t do this anymore.”

The latter froze, as if contemplating whether or not he should give me a second chance. But he shook his head, and repeated the same actions as that very day.

“Cheonsa, don’t be like this,” Myungsoo whispered icily. “It’s over.”

Tears streamed down my face and he gave me a moment to cherish this one last moment before he departed from me forever. Finally, he pried my hands away from his waist and let them fall limply beside me. He stalked away in a cool and unapproachable demeanour. As I stood there, I watched his back in the dark sky disappear from my life forever.

Life had always been unpredictable and unaccounted for. It would change right before your eyes and if not, change would slowly be occurring within you. An empty corpse would soon be filled with energy upon meeting the perfect one. Life would present many challenges, testing to see if you are able to overcome them. And if not, it would prove that you haven’t tried hard enough. That was me and Myungsoo; we had been in love but upon meeting a rock in our path, we painfully walked the route back home. In the process, we hurt ourselves beyond mending and created scars beyond burning.

I let one single tear roll down my cheeks, swearing it be the last one for him.

For I was no longer me and he was longer he.