Neither of them talk about the kiss in alley nor implication of it to their relationship. They were afraid if they said out loud it would became reality and something that they couldn’t even face when they were asleep. Sungjong at least, he himself could admit it to himself that he was afraid.

His gut told him that this is going to be bad but his heart refused to feel anything but happiness. They walked in hand to Sungjong dorm gate. It was quite long journey but no one mention it . They walked really close together, sometimes their hand brushed to each other, sometimes they would link their pinky fingers for few seconds.

“I will call you later.” Myungsoo said once they arrived at the front gate. Sungjong didn’t want he leave, but he knew it was impossible for them to stay that long. They were a student after all, they needed to study and they had another obligation.

Yet, with Myungsoo was an oasis for Sungjong emotion after a long suffocating pain that he experienced these few years. Sungjong watched until Myungsoo’s silhouette disappear from his sight. When he could no longer see Myungsoo’s back, Sungjong walked toward his own room.

The loathing feeling didn’t disappear altogether but for tonight it was bearable. He no longer dreaded the time he sleep, because he knew at least Myungsoo wouldn’t think he is a disgusting human being. 

For a while Sungjong felt everything will be okay.

***

Sungyeol could feel happiness radiated from Myungsoo body, because he was a nosy person of course he would ask him, “What happen to you?” 

Myungsoo grinned too wide for Sungyeol liking, “I am just happy.” 

“And why is that?”

 

“Because Sungjong doesn’t hate me.” Myungsoo had nothing to hide. Of course he wouldn’t tell that he kissed Sungjong but you know, there’s nothing wrong to tell his reason of happiness. Sungjong made him happy.

 

“You know man, you are in deep .” Sungyeol said after long pause.

 

Myungsoo frowned, “What do you mean?” 

 

“You are so ing in love with him and you don’t even realize it.” Sungyeol said.

 

His first reaction was to deny, Myungsoo was man of action, so he did just like that. “No I am not.” 

 

Sungyeol rolled his eyes, “I am your friend ever since you still wet your bed, I know you.” He sat on the bed and lifted his leg. “Let me tell you something from my keen observation.”

 

Sungyeol wasn’t a smart person initially but he knew Myungsoo better than anyone else. For him, Myungsoo was as transparent as clear glasses, it didn’t take long for Sungyeol to figure out how much Myungsoo liked this Sungjong kid. He had this obligation to tell him. 

 

“You smile every time you call him, you pick him up from his school, you skip photography club to walk him from school and the most important thing, you have this look of someone murder your dear cat when he avoided you.” Sungyeol ended his passionate exposition with finger pointed to Myungsoo.

 

Myungsoo couldn’t refute because what Sungyeol said were true. He didn’t know how to deny it anyway, what could he do when Sungjong makes him happy just by existing in his world? But somehow there were part of him that feel embarrassed to admit it in front of Sungyeol.

 

“Do you find me disgusting?” He revealed his fear.

 

Sungyeol tilted his head the shook it, “No I don’t. Love is love anyway.” 

 

“But you always say that real men loves big s. I thought you will find me disgusting to like another boy.” Myungsoo pointed it out.

 

Sungyeol shrugged, “Well, I thought I would to,” he said it bluntly, “But then I don’t. I think as long as you are happy, you can do whatever you want. I like big s, but I wouldn’t force other to do so.” Sometimes Sungyeol could be wise and thoughtful. “But I think it’s a hard path you choose to walk.”

 

“Are you just quoting a book?” 

 

“Unfortunately, I do read. But anyway, I don’t think it will be easy to have relationship like this in Korea. You have to make sure your family okay about it.” He laid back to his own bed. Sungyeol closed his eyes but kept talking, “I think most of parents would be heartbroken to have gay kids.” 

 

The last statement hit Myungsoo hard. He never thought about his parent reaction. It had always been him all alone. When he chose to get closer to Sungjong his only thought was his happiness. Until now, he selfishly clung to the residue of happiness that he experienced this evening.

 

Perhaps, he should never tell his parents about this so he could be this happy forever. Perhaps he needed to  wait longer before revealing his relationship with Sungjong. Whatever it was, all would be okay.

 

***

 

 Everything that is too good would end anyway. Sungjong never really thought about that statement. That words  often said by people but no one ever really realizes its value until it proven by reality. Sungjong, of course, just a ordinary human being. He needed to realize that words by his own experience.

 

For these months, he was happy. The happiest moment ever since he was born. Perhaps because of it, he lowered his guard down, greedily quenching his thirst for love and affection that he got from Myungsoo.

 

The further distance he got from his family, the happier and lighter his feelings. Of course, he couldn’t avoid his family forever. He needed to go home for Chu-seok or Korean Thanksgiving day.  Myungsoo would go home too, so there was no reason for Sungjong to stay at school dorm.

 

His mother scooped some rice and put it on Sungjong’s plate, “Why don’t you come back every weekend anymore?” She asked.

 

Sungjong swallowed a guilt that start to raise from his stomach, he couldn’t just say that going home made him feel worthless, he couldn’t tell them that he is happier without them. So, he lied, “I’m sorry, Eomma. It has been busy at school. So, I spent most of my time in public library.” With Myungsoo.

 

“That’s fine,” His father said, “You need study hard if you want to enter good university. What university you want to attend Sungjong?” 

 

Sungjong gulped, “I haven’t thought about it yet. If it possible, I want to study abroad.” He said.

 

“Abroad? But that would be too far from us.” His mother shook her head in disapproval. “We didn’t know what would happen to you out there.” 

 

“Don’t be like that, dear.” His father pacified her. “We let Sungjong attend dorm school, and see him now? He became real men. He can be independent once he enter the society.” 

 

“But you see , he seldom goes home. I am afraid he won’t even call us when he study abroad.”

 

“May be that’s because, Hyung has girlfriend.” Seon-kyu, his brother chimed. He was silent before but he also had this mischievous streak in him.

 

His parents attention focus on him. Sungjong felt guilt started to pound in his back. His heart beat faster than usual.

 

“Really, Sungjong?” his mother asked.

 

Sungjong shook his head, “No.” he denied it.

 

Seon-kyu raised his brow, “If not girlfriend then what? Boyfriend?” he teased.

 

Sungjong’s heart dropped to the ground. Did Seon-kyu know something? His lower back started to sweat, he knew he became several shade paler. He wanted to hide himself as the attention hadn’t shifted from him. He was afraid that his family would catch him.

 

“Seon-kyu, don’t joke like that!” his father rebuked Seon-kyu, “It’s not funny. Your brother would never do that. We teach him better.” 

 

Sungjong didn’t know whether he should cry or relieve. He was grateful that his father mistook his horrified expression as rejection but at the same time he knew that he could never tell them that he had a boyfriend. They would hate him. Sungjong never wanted to be hate by his own family.

 

Sungjong spent the dinner with silence, as the lie he told became heavier. He knew it would be the last time, his mother saw him with affection if he ever tell them he had boyfriend. But, sometimes Sungjong still had this glimmer of hope that his parents would change their mind. 

 

That small hope moved him to ask his father one evening, “What is wrong with man like man?” 

 

They sat down in veranda after they visited his grandparents. His grandfather just preached how disgusting the society right now, about how homouality was an obscene act that ruin the structure of society. How man should only with a woman as God had predestined them. How a man should never lay down with another man.

 

“Sungjong.” His father said patiently, “You hear what grandfather said, it is not natural.”

 

“But what if they feel that way ever since they were born?”

 

“They should fight it. It is a sin, sometimes the sin temptation is hard but we need to be strong and courageous to fight the sin tendencies. You couldn’t give it into temptation, that’s what Satan wanted you to.”

 

Sungjong felt that words crashed any hope that he held into. Their family was Conservative Christian, they would rather die than to change a new way. Sungjong’s heart tumbled mix reaction. He wanted approval from his parents, he wanted his parents loved him even though he loved man. He wanted them to accept him.

 

Should he love a woman so he would never sin against God? If god loved everybody why couldn’t god love him as he is? Why did god have to give him this disease?

 

“Remember Sungjong, we should never do the disgusting thing that god hates. Even though the society changed we should never compromise God’s words.” His father added.

 

That night for the first time, Sungjong lied to Myungsoo by saying that he sleep early, that night for the first in the longest time, he kneeled and prayed to god. He wanted the way out, he wanted the hurt disappear. He wanted to be normal, why couldn’t he? That night, Sungjong forced himself to be excited seeing woman body.

 

That night his body rejected the image, and he ended up with vomiting all his stomach content. He felt sense of failure when he felt nothing but disgusted by himself when at the end he needed to imagine about Myungsoo to get excited. He cried himself when he forced himself to imagine he with another woman.

 

He cried because he felt he cheated on Myungsoo. He felt he is lying to himself. He wanted to be free, he wanted to let everyone know how much he loved Myungsoo, and he couldn’t be made to do another way, he didn’t want to anger god? He didn’t want to hurt his family what should he do?

 

***

 

Myungsoo knew something happen with Sungjong when he saw him after the Chu-seok holiday. Sungjong’s eyes were swollen, he avoided eye contact every time Myungsoo talk to him. It pained Myungsoo a lot to see this type of Sungjong again. He missed the angel who could stand against the bully, not some hesitant version of Sungjong.

 

Myungsoo didn’t know what should he do? He wanted Sungjong to be happy, not sad. He wanted Sungjong smiling again. It killed him to see the laughter died in his eyes. Myungsoo really needed to think on how to make Sungjong laughed again.

 

Myungsoo was in the dark room at his house on weekend as he develop some picture he took in these past month. His hands were busy but his brain was busier to find an idea to make Sungjong laughed.

 

He hung the last picture he develop, a smile tugged his corner lips. That was Sungjong picture that he took before Chuseok. Sungjong was standing near Han River bridge. It was their first time to walk around outside the school environment, Sungjong’s expression was neutral but his eyes were sparkling in happiness, had he known about it Myungsoo would take him as soon as possible.

 

Sungjong had the most beautiful pair of eyes Myungsoo ever encountered in his life. He believed he would never meet someone with the same eyes in this lifetime. His eyes were a windows to Sungjong’s soul. The pure soul who believed in everything, the sweet soul whom you wanted to cherish.

 

Myungsoo didn’t realize he had spent more than twenty minutes staring Sungjong’s picture until his brother, Moon-soo clapped his shoulder, “Wow she is so beautiful. Girlfriend?” 

 

Myungsoo almost jumped and he slammed the picture to the table. “Moon-soo don’t sneak out behind my back like that!” he cried out. 

 

Moon-soo shrugged, “I didn’t. You are just too preoccupied by this Noona picture to realize your own brother existences. Well, I am not blaming you, she is beautiful.”

 

Myungsoo loved his brother, he was the cutest little thing ever. From the very first time he saw him as a baby, Myungsoo felt happy. He got someone to protect, to take care of. Someone who looked up at him. Right now, he was a bit annoyed with Moon-soo because not only he got Sungjong’s gender wrong but also he found him beautiful. Although the latter reason was stronger than the former.

 

“This beautiful person is a Hyung not Noona.” Myungsoo decided to clarify Sungjong’s gender rather than to address his jealousy.

 

Moon-soo shocked, “You liar, impossible.” 

 

“I know him.” Myungsoo stated.

 

Moon-soo looked at him, “Then you are disgusting.”

 

“Why?” 

 

“What kind of boy watches another boy like you? I get it he is beautiful, but you don’t have to watch him like that.” Moon-soo didn’t bother to cover his disgust.

 

Something inside Myungsoo wavered. He had never seen this type of reaction before, Sungyeol who he dubbed as the manliest friend he ever had said it is okay. So unconsciously Myungsoo assumed everybody would feel the same. Moon-soo reaction gave him hard slap on reality. Would his parents said the same?

 

Suddenly he remembered Sungyeol’s words that most of parents would be so heartbroken if they know his children was gay. Myungsoo was definitely one. He couldn’t deny that he found the opportunity to get intimate with Sungjong exhilarating. 

 

“Are you saying I’m disgusting?” Myungsoo couldn’t help but to play it off as joke.

 

Moon-soo shrugged, “Only if you were gay.” 

 

Before Moon-soo or Myungsoo could react with the statement, their father called Moon-soo. “Moon-soo let’s talk.” Their father face showed some kind of disapproval. Did he hear their conversation. Their father smiled at him, “The boy in your picture is beautiful. You took beautiful picture of beautiful person.”

 

His father was kind but would he still act the same when he knew the person in picture appeared in his son dream? All of the dream, from the sweet and romantic dream down to dirty and hot one. 

 

When his father and Moon-soo left, Myungsoo concluded he wasn’t ready to tell them about his relationship with Sungjong. Myungsoo didn’t have much time to contemplate in that thought as his phone rang loudly. Sungjong’s name flashed on screen. 

 

Myungsoo couldn’t help but to smile when Sungjong said he wanted to meet him. Well, he couldn’t tell his parents yet but he was happy Sungjong wanted to meet him. Myungsoo took the pictures he develop and put it in the brown envelope. 

 

He still had 1 hours before the time, so he went to the stationery near his house to buy Photo Frame. He put the picture inside and asked them to wrap it with the most beautiful wrap paper they had. 

 

The clerk boy looked at picture, “That person is so beautiful.” He said. “You take the picture like that person is your whole universe.” He exclaimed in adoration. “It’s a beautiful picture.”

 

Myungsoo grinned widely, he was proud to show it. “Yes it is. The person inside the picture is more beautiful.” 

 

Myungsoo thanked the clerk boy, he even got flower for Sungjong. He hoped Sungjong would smile again. Myungsoo saw Sungjong from the far away. He sat in the park bench with his head down. Whether it was the scenery, or the forlorn figure but Myungsoo felt Sungjong was the loneliest people on earth. 

 

The sky started to get darker, the air became chillier, but Sungjong hadn’t moved an inch. His fragile shoulders slumped down like he carried the world on his back. Myungsoo felt his chest constricted with pain as Sungjong sighed heavily. He was tired. Myungsoo’s eyes stung when he heard soft whisper from Sungjong mouth saying everything will be okay.

 

***

 

Doing the right thing is always hard. 

 

Everyone would experienced it, Sungjong decided to do the right thing. The right thing meant he should never meet Myungsoo again. He should never have contact with Myungsoo anymore. Perhaps by doing so, he could forget all the dream he had. Perhaps the dream would be lessen, his sin would be forgiven.

 

He knew it was the right thing but the possibility of not seeing Myungsoo again hurt him more than it should. He felt the world condemned him but Myungsoo was his saving grace. His life line. The life line he would cut deliberately. It was hard for Sungjong to breath, but he knew with time he would heal.

 

The pain would lessen his sin would be forgiven. 

 

Sungjong wanted to numb the pain right now. The pain was just too much, he would let go all the little happiness he had. Sungjong felt his shoulder got heavier but it got warmer. A soft skin touched his cheeks. Someone hugged him. He knew this warmth, the familiar scent who would make his heart beat in happiness.

 

Tears pooled in his eyes, his throat constricted. Something hit his heart hard making his body hurt a lot. When Sungjong saw a bouquet of baby breath and peony in front of his chest, the first sob left his mouth. He raised his hand to cover his mouth but the tears wouldn’t stop.

 

It hurt so much to leave this person. The person who gave him small ray of hope in his darkest night. The person who made dreaming about loving him is blessing not curse. Sungjong didn’t know how could someone meant too much for him in short time.

 

“Open this.” Myungsoo whispered. They didn’t see each other face yet. Both of them reluctant to see the pain in their face. Sungjong didn’t want Myungsoo to see his crying face. With shaking hand Sungjong tore the gift’s paper. It was a frame. 

 

Sungjong didn’t know someone could hurt him with gift but Myungsoo did. It was too beautiful, it was him. “He is the most beautiful person in my whole universe.” Myungsoo said.

 

Sungjong wasn’t beautiful, he was disgusting, he was a sinner. Sungjong’s tears couldn’t be stopped it flowed to the frame. Wetting the surface of the glass. How could Myungsoo see him as the most beautiful person? 

 

“I am not,” Sungjong denied him.

 

“You are,” Myungsoo tightened his hug. His arms engulfed Sungjong’s body. “You are the most beautiful person I ever see, the purest soul on earth.” Myungsoo voice was low and soft. “When I first saw you I thought you are an angel.” 

 

Pure? Was he still pure? Sungjong was anything but pure. If he was so pure he wouldn’t have this body, if he was pure, he should love a girl not a boy but if he was pure like that he wouldn’t ever meet this wonderful person named Myungsoo. Could he be happy with anyone but Myungsoo?

 

Sungjong’s selfish desire wanted him to stay forever with Myungsoo. May be it’s okay to love him. May be it will be fine to think loving Myungsoo isn’t a mistake. He was happy with Myungsoo, was it wrong for Sungjong to have this little happiness in his life? Even God condemned him, could he be this happy for a while? Was it okay to have this boy beside him?

 

He knew he should leave Myungsoo, he should forget him but he couldn’t. Not when Myungsoo was the only person  who think he is beautiful and pure. He wanted Myungsoo for him. 

 

Sungjong held Myungsoo’s hand that placed in front of his chest. He lifted his hand and kissed his palm. “Thank you, thank you.” He whispered.

 

That day under the dark sky of Seoul, Sungjong shared another soft kiss with the boy in his dream. He felt the storm brew in the horizon but he could push the bad omniscient feeling into the back of his brain. He didn’t want to think anymore, he wanted to be accepted. He wanted love that Myungsoo showered him.

 

The day he should leave Myungsoo was no longer that day in Sungjong mind. It was the day when he decided he would love the boy who thinks he is pure confidently. Because if he didn’t love Myungsoo, he couldn’t love himself. He wanted to love himself too. He hadn’t felt this loved ever since he discover he is a sinner.

***

 To love some one confidently you need to be brave.

 

It had been long time since he visited Taemin the last time. It took more time than he expected to reconnect his connection with him. Taemin  was the one who called him first and asked whether they could meet or not. It took him by surprise to see how thin Taemin had became. 

 

“I’m going to move to Australia.” Taemin said. 

 

Sungjong couldn’t let out the right words but Taemin said something that he never expected. He thought Taemin would be the last person on earth who said this. “I’m in love with Jong-in. Do you think I am disgusting?” 

 

“I don’t. How can you never tell me?”

 

“What to tell Sungjong? I’m in love with my best friend whom I know since elementary school. I am in love with a boy.” Taemin chuckled bitterly. “Do you remember our last conversation?” 

 

Sungjong nodded. He remembered how Taemin felt repulsive when Sungjong touched him. He thought gay is disgusting. “That time I started to realize I like boy better than girl. And then Suddenly I find Kai so attractive.” He said. Taemin pointed his chest, “It’s hurt a lot Sungjong when you are in love with someone who you know will never love you.”

 

Sungjong felt indescribable pain when he saw Taemin’s goofy smile was no longer on his face. His face contoured with pain. “Have you told Kai?”

 

Taemin sighed and looked at the sky. His eyes followed the smallest movement of cloud, “I did.” He said. He smiled, “That’s why I want to move to Australia. I was brave enough to admit I like him but I will never be strong enough to live with his rejection. You know, he refuse to even look at me right now, he said I’m disgusting.” Taemin chortled. It was an ironic laugh.

 

Sungjong’s heart clenched painfully. It pained him a lot to see Taemin’s insincere laugh. Taemin continued to smile, “But I am content, at least I can tell him I love him.” 

 

Taemin had always been his friend but for the first time in his life Sungjong saw Taemin as a great person. He had Myungsoo, Myungsoo didn’t think he is disgusting. Sungjong couldn’t imagine how much it break Taemin’s heart to have someone you love think you are repulsive. 

 

“I want move to England, but it is too far.” Taemin stated after long pause.

 

“Why England?”

 

“Because England legalized same marriage. I can’t be with my first love but that doesn’t mean I should my whole life as a lie.” He said confidently, “But England is too expensive so I decided I should go to Australia. It will be easier there than here.” 

 

Once Taemin decided something he would act decisively. Sungjong wished he could have Taemin determination and gut, probably it would take him life time to act like Taemin. Leaving his family? Sungjong never thought about it, for him family was one of the anchor of his life.

 

“What about your dad?” Sungjong asked. 

 

Taemin’s Father and Sungjong father were pea in the pods. The same conservative man who worked hard to raise their family even after economic crisis. They were good man with strong faith to God. 

 

It didn’t need genius to figure out Taemin’s father reaction after he lifted his long jeans to show blue-greenish mark on his calf. Some of the skin torn and wounded pretty bad. It was a miracle Taemin could walk without limping. 

 

“To love someone freely has consequences. Some of it I can bear.” Taemin words slapped him hard on face. 

 

“Doesn’t it hurt?” 

 

Taemin shook his head, “It did, but when the second strike hit me I realize even I die I couldn’t change. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be made to change who I am. You know the last thing I want even if my father hit me till death is to love someone without judgement.”

 

Sungjong was a coward. He couldn’t even accept that he loved man not a woman. He wanted to love woman even though he had Myungsoo in his life. Taemin who had no one to run to, even could bear the shame and beating to be himself. He even got rejected by the person he liked. 

 

It was never healthy to compare yourself to others. Taemin and him were two different people but Sungjong realized that he could never be the same. Even it was sin, there was nothing in this world that could change him. He could live in lie and be miserable for whole his life or he could just admit it to everyone.

 

Sungjonb knew he would never able to tell his family soon. Even he couldn’t even promise to tell his family next year. He for the first time, didn’t feel so ostracized from his friend. For the first time he had someone to share the same burden as him. He made peace to himself.

 

He still felt conflicted about loving Myungsoo but at least he could accept it that to love a boy is okay. Some people did. Taemin did. Taemin who had been so brave to come out from his closet to show the world who he was.

 

Sungjong reached Taemin’s hand then clasped it. He then made his own confession, he told Taemin about Myungsoo. He didn’t divulge in how magical it was, it wouldn’t be fair for Taemin but Sungjong wanted him to know that they were not alone.

 

“Someday, we can tell Republic of Korea it is okay to love your same .” Taemin vowed.

 

Sungjong chuckled, it was kind of ensuring to have someone who that confident as your ally, “How about just to live happily?” he suggested.

 

Taemin nodded, “That’s why we should move to Australia.”

 

Sungjong laughed but he kept Taemin’s words in his heart. The long for freedom was nestled in his deepest mind. It would take him years to be confident as Taemin but he was getting there. He took baby step right now.

***

Sometimes world doesn’t let you take Baby step. Sometimes fate would deliver your problem like huge stone boulder slid from Mountain cliff. Sungjong didn’t expect to go home just to face his brother cried on the sofa, and his mother heartbroken face and his father disappointed gaze.

 

Sungjong knew it was definitely his fault because her mother slap landed directly to his left cheeks. “Eomma.” 

 

“Don’t call me Eomma again!” his mother broke down. She sobbed painfully, this was the first time Sungjong saw his mother crying like this. “Why you do this Sungjong?” she asked.

 

Sungjong felt his world started to crumble. He could hear the voice of his world started to break down. He had the hunch what had happened, but he had this tiny faith that it wasn’t things he imagined. His hoped shattered when his brother opened his mouth.

 

“I saw you! You kiss another boy!” He pointed his finger to Sungjong. His face stained by tears.

 

Sungjong shook his head. Impossible how could it be?

 

“Don’t deny it!” His father took out a cell phone on table. “Can you explain this Sungjong?” He showed him the screen. It was a picture in my space.

 

It was a blur image, but Sungjong recognized people in picture. He could see his head titled and half of his face covered by Myungsoo’s head. Myungsoo’s face was unseen but people would definitely recognized sungjong.

 

‘Woah Dae-bak I caught our school kiss a boy.’

 

‘Eww, it’s disgusting. Isn’t he who dance girl group dance last year?’

 

‘Yah! Isn’t he from our class?’

 

‘Dae-bak!! But really I get this guy vibe from very first time I saw him.’

 

‘Just mention his name already!'

 

>> leave him alone.

 

Sungjong couldn’t continue to read the rest of the blog because his father took away the phone. “is it you? Tell me it is not you!” he heard desperation from his father voice.

 

Sungjong opened his mouth just to find he couldn’t make a single sound. He never wanted to be in this position. He didn’t want to get caught. He didn’t want to let his family know like this.

 

“Answer me!” his father yelled.

 

He tried to let out another sound but his throat clamped up. He was too shock to let out his voice. He had no choice but nodding. His mother cried again, her voice became louder. His brother made sound of disgust, while his father threw his phone to floor. 

 

“Why? Why Sungjong?” His father roared. 

 

His father shook his shoulder, “I taught you better! Why did you do this to us?” he thundered. “You are shameful of human being!” 

 

Sungjong couldn’t squeeze out any answer, his breath was getting harder. He had no idea why he couldn’t breath but he knew his blood became colder, his knee got weaker. He was afraid, scared, mortified and ashamed. He was like a rag doll in his father hand.

 

Sungjong felt detached from his body, his mind blanked out. He realized his father screamed another hurtful words, his mother cried became louder, his brother tone of disgust and accusation. His vision started to get black dots. The oxygen supplied in his body wasn’t sufficient anymore.

 

He fell to the ground and he curled into ball. His vision blurred out, he couldn’t breath. It dawned to Sungjong, he was hypervillanting. The last thing he had his eyes on were the loud accusation tone, the hurtful persistent whisper that he is repulsive and disgraceful of human being, he is sinner.

 

***

 The greatest prison is desire of freedom.

 

These past few day was hazy for Sungjong. He was in his room but he wasn’t in his own body. The screaming and crying didn’t stop just by his fainting incident. It escalated quickly to be name-calling and accusation of his failure as decent human being. He was deserved to be torture in deepest pit of hell. They locked Sungjong in his room without any opportunity to get out, they forced Sungjong to pray.

 

His father called his grandfather, if Sungjong expected his grandfather would have kinder reaction, Sungjong would be disappointed. Fortunately, Sungjong didn’t have that perception. He received his grandfather harsh blow with numb feeling. He flinched in pain as his mother slapped him once more, because Sungjong refused to  deny it.

 

If Sungjong could, he would deny it. But under the harsh judgement Sungjong found himself powerless. The shame, the pain mixed into one ambiguous emotion. He tried to ask for their forgiveness. He asked for their acceptance, he even beg for them to let him be. He was even asking them whether they would love him or not.

 

His father asked to his grandfather whether they should call the priest for praying or not. His grandfather didn’t even mince his words to reject his father suggestion. He said Sungjong was family embarrassment, they should deal with him quietly. 

 

Sungjong’s only consolation in this cold period was conviction that Myungsoo loved him. Myungsoo would never ashamed of loving him. Myungsoo who treated him as his most precious treasure. Sungjong couldn’t call Myungsoo, his phone was confiscated. His parents put his phone in the drawer of his father table. Sungjong was grateful his parents couldn’t open the phone lock.

 

“Let’s send him there!” Sungjong overheard his grandfather voice. “My priest friend opened a rehabilitation for homo. We can’t let others know about this.”

 

“I agree.” His mother agreed. “We should cure Sungjong before it is too late.” It pained Sungjong more than he imagined. His own mother was so eager to send him off. His mother who reluctant to send him to dorm every week, now was number one supporter to send him to a place that Sungjong couldn’t imagine.

 

When his father and brother gave them affirmation, Sungjong knew no one would save him, he would be forced to do something he didn’t want. His heart asked him to run away because it knew once Sungjong entered the rehabilitation he would never be the same, he would be broken beyond repair. His brain warned him about the desire of freedom.

 

Sungjong remembered Taemin suggestion of leaving Korea. Sungjong ran toward his room, he took his passport and wallet. He took as much as money he could get. He swallowed his saliva and took his father’s card. He needed it to live several months outside. He knew he should withdraw money with that card and threw it once he got sufficient amount. He did the same with his card.

 

Once he finished packing small bag, Sungjong snuck out from his house while his family fell a sleep at night. He stared to his own childhood room for the last time. Without realizing tears dropped from his eyes, Sungjong knew it would be the last time he stepped into this house.

 

Sungjong walked away without looking back. He needed to find Taemin and tomorrow he would find Myungsoo. He didn’t know whether he should ask Myungsoo to runaway with him or not, but Sungjong knew that he needed Myungsoo to assure him everything was fine in the end because he had Myungsoo’s loves. He wanted to be saved and cherished by someone. Because Sungjong had no one anymore.

***

Sometimes Myungsoo was stupid but it didn’t mean he is a super idiot that couldn’t figure out that his brother was getting bullied. He tried to ask Moon-soo about it, but Moon-soo shrugged it off like usual. So, Myungsoo did his own investigation, no one could mess up with his brother and got away with it.

 

It didn’t help to ease his mind to know that Sungjong also had been missing for few days. Even when he avoided him, Sungjong always picked up his phone. But nowadays, his phone was off. He couldn’t reach him at all.

 

Myungsoo pushed out all of the worry when he saw Moon-soo walked out from his school with head low. Several boys tripped him, Myungsoo’s temper raised soon, he walked stealthily to the boys who dragged his brother to alley.

 

Myungsoo was still so far but he could hear his conversation, “So your Hyung is homo.” They teased, “I know it is him! We heard from your own best friend.”

 

Moon-soo snarled, “He is not Gay!” he denied.

 

“Really because Your best friend, Sungjoo said so.”

 

Myungsoo knew Sungjoo he was Moon-soo childhood friend. Myungsoo could see horrified and betrayed look from Moon-soo. He must be not expecting his own best friend would spread the rumor. He did tell Sungjoo that the boy in picture was with his brother.

 

The boys laughed, “Impossible, we know your hyung. You still deny it?”

 

“Hey I heard homo is contaminate. If his hyung gay, are you gay too?” another boy started to provoke others. The boys taunted him, “Let’s see if he has ball or not.” They pushed Moon-soo to the wall, Moon-soo struggled but they pinned him to the wall.

 

Myungsoo couldn’t watch it anymore, he ran toward them and growled, “Let him go!” He pulled one boy and threw him to ground. “What are you doing?”

 

The boys shocked, but one of them blurted, “It’s his homo hyung!”

 

Moon-soo hissed in pain but he argued back, “He is not homo!” he screamed.

 

Myungsoo wanted to say he is, but he didn’t want Moon-soo got bullied everyday. If he were to say he loved Sungjong, Moon-soo would get bullied all year long. He would also contradicted Moon-soo words. Myungsoo hardened his heart, clenching his fist inside his pocket. He stared back to the boys.

 

“I am not gay!” He said firmly. His heart wrenched painfully as the next words got out from his mouth, the lie that he was going to regret his whole life. “I don’t know the boy in picture.” 

 

That’s it! The biggest lie he uttered in his whole life. The lie that he didn’t even know the boy who held his whole universe in both of his hand. Myungsoo’s heart suddenly filled with impeccable sadness. It hurt badly right now. He slung Moon-soo arm to his shoulder, to help him.

 

Call it destiny or fate if you want but Myungsoo felt like déjà vu when he saw Sungjong stood in front of the alley. It was like the first time they met each other. That time Myungsoo  saw an angel today he was still seeing the same angel but only with immense pain in pair of his eyes. 

 

Sungjong didn’t get angry, he just smiled and then walked away. Myungsoo wanted to stop him but he realized Moon-soo weighed on his shoulder and the boys in the alley. He watched Sungjong walked toward the sunset, he would explain to him later but in the back of his mind he felt this would be the last time he met Sungjong.

***

 

Loving someone could bless you with heaven or curse you with hell.

 

Sungjong didn’t know he could feel this much pain in his heart. As soon as denial went out from Myungsoo’s mouth. Sungjong felt he was being rejected by his whole world. He kept his dignity but when he arrived to the alley where he had his first kiss with Myungsoo, he couldn’t hold the pain anymore.

 

His legs lost his strength. He kneeled down to the ground, he found it hurt to breath. The pain in his chest was so intense, it burned his heart and lungs. He hardly breathing. Sungjong hit his chest with his palm several time to ease him, he opened his mouth to breath but instead supplying air to his lungs, a sob jumped out.

 

Sungjong covered his mouth with his palm because he couldn’t stop his sob. It hurt so much, the more he cried the more the pain intensified. His memories deceived him about the love and warmth he receive from Myungsoo. It was like a faraway dream and wistful thinking. It was nice illusion but reality crashed him like a wave.

 

Myungsoo didn’t love him. He rejected him like his own parents. He was unloved. He struggled for whose approval? For whose sake he fight this battle? Was it only illusion? Sungjong felt ashamed and worthless. How could someone like him being loved by someone as perfect  as Myungsoo?

 

Just if he weren’t boy he might love boy easily. Just if he were normal then he would never to be hurt like this. Just if…just if he weren’t born at all then would be fine. But he was born as a sinful man who loved another man, a trash who love someone that so perfect.

 

Sungjong removed his hand from his chest because his sobbed couldn’t be hold by one hand, he placed both of his hand to block sound from his throat. He wanted to say to the world that he loved Myungsoo, he couldn’t be made another way. Even when Myungsoo didn’t love him, he still wanted to have confident to love him.

 

He wanted to scream Myungsoo’s name but that name stuck in his throat instead of Myungsoo names he whispered his own name, “Sungjong-ah. Sungjong-ah. Saranghae. Saranghae.” 

 

That the words he wanted to say to Myungsoo but that was also the word he wanted to hear the most.

 

“Saranghae, Sungjong-ah. Sarang-hae.”

 

From his father, from his mother, from his grandfather, from Seon-kyu, from his friends, and from Kim Myungsoo.

 

 “Sarang-hae, Lee Sung-jong.” 

***

It had been days since he met Sungjong, his phone was still off. Myungsoo couldn’t reach him anymore, he returned to forlorn Kim Myungsoo. His temper was worse than ever, even Sungyeol couldn’t stand him. The last straw was Myungsoo got the information that Sungjong hadn’t attended school since the rumor broke out.

 

Myungsoo went to Sungjong house just to meet Sungjong’s brother who said his brother ran away, and their father decided to disown him because he showed no repentance. Myungsoo was angry, he was furious toward Sungjong’s family attitude. 

 

Yet his conscience nagged him, what right did he have? He even deny Sungjong existences in his life. But he would apologize, as soon as he found Sungjong he would make an amend with him. Sungjong was still missing after three days searching.

 

 Myungsoo couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat. His only focus was to find Sungjong. He couldn’t believe Sungjong just disappeared that way without trace like being swallowed by ground. 

 

One week, Myungsoo was a wreck havoc. He spent his spare time to search for Sungjong, hell, he even skip class to search for him. He had instant meal in order to have more time for looking for Sungjong. He even got insomniac because of worrying about Sungjong well being.

 

Three days later, Myungsoo fainted during P.E lesson. He was dehydrated and exhausted, Sungyeol called his parents to the hospital. When he regained his consciousness, Sungyeol, His father, his mother, Moon-soo looked at him with worried look.

 

Moon-soo was the one who break the silence with huge weep, “I am sorry, hyung, I am sorry hyung!” 

 

Myungsoo was still disoriented but he got Moon-soo meaning. “It’s okay.” He tried to calm him down. He hated it when Moon-soo cry, he was his precious brother.

 

His parents gave him water, when he looked at them somehow he knew they know about Sungjong. “Why you never tell us?” his father asked. Moon-soo was telling them when he was unconscious definitely. Well, nothing could be changed anymore.

 

Myungsoo diverted his gaze to window, “I’m sorry, Appa, Eomma.”

 

His mother cried suddenly, Myungsoo closed his eyes. He knew it his parents would be very disappointed in him. Myungsoo was half expecting them to explode in anger and disappointment, nothing matter anymore. He couldn’t find Sungjong.

 

 

Myungsoo definitely didn’t expect his mother would hug him, “Why you never tell us?” she cried.

 

“Eomma…” He was stunted. He couldn’t think of any respond. They should be angry.

 

His father clasped his shoulder, “Do you think that little of us?” his father asked, “We love you, you are my son. If you love that boy, why don’t you tell us? Bring him home, we will accept him like our own.”

 

Myungsoo looked at his father pain contorted face, “I am gay, I love a boy name Lee Sungjong, you are not angry?” he wanted to make sure, he wanted them to be angry. So he could relieve a bit pain in his heart. If his parents got angry, he would know his love would be impossible and hard, so he would have a bit distraction from losing Sungjong.

 

“Why should we? You are our son. Your uality won’t change our love!” his father ensure him. “We love you, we will love Lee Sungjong too.”

 

His mother nodded, “Love is love, Myungsoo. It’s okay. It’s love.”

 

It hit Myungsoo hard when he looked into his parents eyes and detected no lie in their eyes. The words it’s okay from them crashed him down. He started to weep as soon as his father hugged him, and his mother kissed his head. 

 

He could love Sungjong freely but he screw up. He lost his universe because of his own cowardice. If only he admit it to his parents, he would be able to take him home. They would have a warm place to comeback. They could cuddle in his home,  with his mother made the best kimchi stew. When his father got home, they could talk about business or just play game together.

 

Now he lost that chance because he denied Sungjong existence in his life. It hurt him more by the fact the last thing Sungjong would remember about him was he denying his existence. Sungjong would never know how much he loved him. He even hadn’t utter that sacred vow in front of Sungjong. Now, he would never meet him or talk to him anymore.

 

Myungsoo buried his head into his mother’s arm as he muffled a scream. Painful howl of a boy that destroying his own life by his cowardice. “I love him.” He whispered. “Lee Sungjong. Saranghae.” 

 

“Lee Sungjong Saranghae!” he hoped his words somehow could be heard by Sungjong, He knew it was a vain attempt but his heart rebelled. His feeling was like a dam that broke. He wanted to shout his feeling, so people would know.

 

“Saranghae, Lee Sungjong!  Saranghae, Lee Sungjong!”

***

End.

 

 

 

 

 

love is never wrong or right 

love is love.