Part 1 of 2
Society AlleySungjong knew he has sickness when he find watching boy is more interesting than peeping on girls underwear. He was on sixth grade when his best friend Kai and Taemin snickered as they saw Krystal underwear but Sungjong found it disgusting so he went to the toilet and threw up. When Kai and Taemin asked him why he lied that he is sick.
The sickness was growing when he saw the older boys unwittingly flashed him their junk during his swimming lesson. The older boys laughed it away as Sungjong who was jealous of their bigger private. Sungjong felt overwhelm shame as he got into his parents car.
When he laid in his bed, he couldn’t forget the picture in his mind and something stir in his mind. Guilty and ashamed of his own thought Sungjong kneeled down and prayed profusely. He knew this was so wrong because what he had been taught ever since he was young. Men supposed to like women, because god created men and women as couple. Sungjong felt dirty and guilty, he felt his self worth dropped into the deepest pit of hell.
That night he cried himself to asleep.
God didn’t answer his prayer. When he was 13 the real hell happened. His parents enrolled him to all boys school. He found it hard to resist the temptation especially as the teenage hormone started raging in all over his body. Sometimes he found himself awakened in the middle of the night by dream he wasn’t supposed to have. He was afraid to get asleep in case he had the same dream.
It was on his fourteenth birthday when he got home from birthday bash Kai and Taemin threw for him, he remembered how they played truth and dare so Kai dared Taemin to kiss him as joke. In the surface, Sungjong pretended to think it’s disgusting but at home he reminisced the kiss.
That night his dream raged over his mind, and no matter how hard he prayed he couldn’t subdue his desire. For the first time, he touched himself with the image of his best friend. After the lust and hormone subsided the shame crashed upon him. The guilt was too heavy for his teenage self to bear. He felt dirty and worthless.
He ran to toilet bowl and throw up all the food he had during the party and he cried in the bathroom floor until dawn. He only moved himself because his parents would be so disappointed if they found him.
He couldn’t bear his parents hatred if they knew about his secret. So he vowed to himself that he would never tell anyone about his sickness. He would bear the sickness by himself until he found the cure. Hopefully, soon because Sungjong couldn’t live like this longer.
“Sungjong, we have to go to church. Are you ready?”
***
Myungsoo had been told that he is lucky born in his family. He was bright kid and handsome. He always this cute so people loved him naturally. His parents always taught him to respect everyone he met. His parents also taught him it’s more important to treat other like you want them to treat you.
So he grown up well.
And Aual.
Why? Because he never find girl interesting. Of course, he had one or two girlfriend but he never wanted to hold them or to kiss them. And then why did he accept them? Well, the only reason was because he can’t say no.
“You should just say no.” Sungyeol his bestfriend said.
Myungsoo sighed, “Yes. Tell me you can say no in front of all of the student.” He retorted.
He always got dumped in the end. The reason? The same reason that he felt so reluctance to kiss them. He found them just not…desirable. Well, yeah that’s just exactly what he felt. They lack of something.
At senior year of high school he knew what all the girl lacked. The thing between their leg. It came down to him as epiphany when the first time he saw a beautiful angel from the neighbor school. The neighbor all boy school was having some sort of festival. He was walking from the school to his home when he saw the angel got pushed down by bigger student.
Myungsoo was ready to help the angel but somehow the angel didn’t need help. The angel kicked his opponent right into the crotch, Myungsoo had to flinch because of the bloody scream from the opponent.
“You ing little !!” the bigger boy curled up into ball.
The angel stood haughtily, “I am not a !!” the angel yelled. “You shouldn’t call me that!” the angel looked so magnificent but somehow his voice laced with denial.
“Yes you are. There is no men who look like you.” The boy screamed, “You kick like girl!!”
The angel gritted his teeth, but then he kicked the boy again, the boy screamed, “Try to hold me down again. I will sic you to the rabid dogs in shelter.” The angel walked away from the scene.
The boy yelled some profanities, then mumbled, “It’s not my fault you look like girl and begged to get with dancing like .” Myungsoo flinch with the harsh and crass words.
Myungsoo didn’t directly greeting the angel, he walked exactly 10 steps behind him. Then it happened so fast, the angel hurdled down and his shoulder was shaking. Myungsoo wanted to see him but he heard some soft chant from the angel lips, “You are not a , you are not homo. You are not gay.”
The angel was so weak after the huge show of braveries. Myungsoo thought he would crumble by single touch, so Myungsoo didn’t touch him but instead he watched him get into the bus. After that he sat awhile in bus stop as he was thinking about the angel.
That night for the first time, his dream took shape of one exact picture. He saw his angel in his dream with fiery eyes but instead fighting another boy that fiery eyes directed to him.
Myungsoo woke up with hard body, for the first time in his life. He touched himself by imagining another men exactly the same angel he met that afternoon. He washed his hand and changed to new cloth.
But to his luck, his roommate slash best friend woke up, “Dude are you seriously with me in room?” Sungyeol looked traumatized for life.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” he asked his best friend.
“It’s kinda hard to sleep if you heard ruckus in the bathroom and actually your best friend is .” Sungyeol had always been blunt. He felt no inhibition to censor his words.
“Good.”
“Good it’s not good, dude. It’s gross.” Sungyeol didn’t bother to hide his disgust.
“Well, if I can tolerate your snoring and sleep talking for years, I think you should learn to tolerate me.” Myungsoo felt a pleasant thrum in his body. He didn’t have time to contemplate why the angel happen to wake his desire.
Sungyeol laid back to his bed, “So you never do this before, what did awake your sudden uality?” he asked curiously.
Myungsoo wanted to tell him but he knew somehow it wouldn’t sit well on Sungyeol as Sungyeol always said he is real men, and Sungyeol was avid fan of girl with huge s. Or may be it just didn’t sit well for Myungsoo himself because he was kinda confused too.
“Nothing, just feel like it.” He turned his back, and put the pillow above his head. He had time now to think why the angel appeared in his dream. May be because of his shining looks or because he threw punch like a warrior but his gut said that it’s all because of the fragile shoulder that beg to be protected.
***
Everytime he went to church with his family, the more guilt he suffer. Sungjong wanted to stay at home but his parents wouldn’t let him. Sunday morning after the mass Sungjong escaped to small coffee shop at the corner of the street. He just wanted to go away from his family, his shame was unbearable.
“Hey Sungjong! What are you doing here?” he saw Taemin wore apron and greeted him with goofy smile.
Sungjong frowned, “Didn’t our school forbid us to work part time?” he asked back.
Taemin grinned, “Well, not if it’s your family business. Come on I’ll show you something interesting.” With heavy steps Sungjong followed his best friend. It felt so foreign to see Taemin in his apron. He looked more mature that his actual age.
“I learn to make some coffee.” They hurdled near the coffee machine. “And some art.”
“You want to be barista?”
“Nope. But I want to study abroad, I heard that we can find a good part time if we can make good coffee.” He explained. Study abroad? The concept was foreign to Sungjong. His parents forced him to study hard so he can enrolled to Prestigious University in Korea.
May be if he went to other country, he would feel less guilty. The ideas started to seed in his mind. He touched Taemin elbow, Taemin suddenly jumped. “Uh Jongie. Don’t touch me that way.” Taemin said nervously.
Sungjong didn’t understand. Taemin, Kai and he were so accustomed to skin ship. They had known each other ever since kindergarten. Why suddenly Taemin reacted that way? Then a voice whispered in the back of his brain.
May be Taemin knew about your dream. But it was impossible right? It happened three years ago.
“Why?” Sungjong voiced out his question.
Taemin rubbed his neck, “It’s…kinda weird right? For men to touch another men. My father said it could indicate they are gay, like you know Hong Seok Chun.” Taemin tried to look anywhere else but to Sungjong, “And it’s repulsive.” He looked right in to Sungjong eyes.Suddenly Sungjong fear became reality.
Someone knew. Taemin knew about his disgusting secret and he didn’t bother to hide how much it disgust him. Sungjong felt some sort of asphyxiation, he choked his own saliva, the panic arouse. He needed to get out.
Taemin knew and he would tell others the he would tell his parent. He couldn’t take it. “I need to go.” He said hastily and ran outside the Coffee shop. Overwhelmed by his own anxiety Sungjong failed to notice the turmoil in Taemin’s eyes. How nervous Taemin as he scratched the place which Sungjong touch.
Sungjong ran until his legs strained. He lost one friend because of his disgusting secret, somehow Taemin knew that he appeared in his dream. Taemin thought he is repulsive human being, he knew it. He knew he is defect men, he should never been born to this world.
He wanted this stop right now. Whatever this name.
He felt his breath was getting shorter, he should stop running before he passed out. Taking the turn to secluded alley, Sungjong crouched down to catch his breath. He realized his cheeks were wet not of sweat but tears.
***
The second time Myungsoo met the angel was in the some alley with same fragile shoulder again. This time Myungsoo didn’t stop himself to get close to the angel and touch him. He gave him tissues and squatted next to him. “Are you okay?” he asked.
The angel nodded, “Thank you.” He said softly. Even his voice was divine sounding. Myungsoo felt gravitated toward the angel more.
“This is the second time I saw you in alley.” With his lacking social skill, Myungsoo told him honestly.
The angel eyes widened, “When did the first one?” he asked.
“Err…” Myungsoo was in dilemma whether to tell the same crying scene or the fight one. But as boy he knew that the angel would prefer he knew about his fighting so he opted for it, “When you said you will sic a boy to rabid dog in shelter. If he tried to hold you down again.”
The angel tensed against the wall, it seemed he wanted to runaway, “And you still want to talk with me?” he asked.
Myungsoo shrugged, “He deserved it.” He said, “and he is wrong. I think you are beautiful.” He looked right into his eyes. The most beautiful eyes Myungsoo ever see. Myungsoo might lack of social skill but he knew when he said the right thing when he saw the angel eyes softened.
“No one ever call me beautiful. Men prefer to be called handsome rather than pretty.” The angel muttered. His words contradicted his expression. It pained Myungsoo that noone ever called this angel beautiful.
“Well, I would rather people call me beautiful rather than hideous.” He joked.
The angel chuckled. “Yeah.” His laughed chimed to fill the alley. Myungsoo knew he should feel a bit weirded by their meeting place. Who had a nice chat with source of your wet dream in the alley, but right now he didn’t really care. He was giddy to have this angel talked to him.
“My name is Myungsoo. Kim Myungsoo.” He extended his hand. Hoping this angel wouldn’t mind to tell his name to stranger in the alley.
“Sungjong, Lee Sungjong.” The angel who has the name right now, shook his hand. Myungsoo felt electricity from his palm. A chemistry ran through his whole body and he sure Sung Jong felt the same.
That night Myungsoo has a name for his dream, instead dreamt about abstract angel, he dreamt about a boy with beautiful eyes and name. Funny, the dream should be , wet and dirty but he dreamt something about passion and love making. The sweet voice and shy smile.
He felt complete.
***
Sungjong didn’t believe in destiny or whatsoever it called but when he saw Kim Myungsoo again he was so happy. They arrived at the same bus stop and Myungsoo waved to him. They talked about weather and stuff before Myungsoo asked his age.
“So I am one year older than you. Call me hyung.” He urged him.
“Why suddenly I have to call you Hyung? we are just fine without honorific .” he replied.
Myungsoo tilted his head, “Because it’s the custom. And I think you will be very cute when you call me Hyung.” He said.
Sungjong rolled his eyes, “You saw that I want to sic someone to Rabid dog, you still think I am cute. You are weird.” He blurted out.
“My best friend said I am weird too, but I think you are cute when you call me hyung.” He said before moved closer and squeezed Sungjong cheeks. Sungjong couldn’t help but blushing with the presumptuous behavior. He knew that he should get angry but her nerve shut down as his heart beat faster than normal.
He shrugged Myungsoo’s hand off, “Fine I’ll call you hyung. Stop squeezing my cheeks already.” He said with pout, seeing Myungsoo didn’t budge he sighed “Hyung please stop it already!”
He wanted to wipe Myungsoo smug smile but somehow he felt happy. He felt normal when Myungsoo touched him. After Taemin’s harsh rejection, Sungjong felt he needed every warm touch from another person. Myungsoo was so bright and warm, it was a welcome touch. He wanted to bask in Myungsoo warmth longer.
“Well, it’s not even hard, right?” Myungsoo asked again.
“No.” he answered.
“Hey, how about if we exchanged phone number, may be we can hangout some time.” Myungsoo offered. Sungjong didn’t know whether he should do it or not, but somehow he wanted to get to know Myungsoo better. He found no harm of exchanging phone number so he gave the phone number.
That night Sungjong told himself not to wait for Myungsoo phone call. The older boy just asked it because of courtesy, but still, Sungjong tossed and turned in his bed several times before he closed his eyes at 10. He had already given up the hope that the older would call him. He should have known better than to expect someone to do as he wish.
The second night, Sungjong had to swallow another disappointment as the phone hasn’t been ringing since morning. He tried to ignore it as much as he could while opening his text book to prepare tomorrow lesson. He had this feeling that Myungsoo wouldn’t see him again.
Sungjong was proved wrong the next five second when unknown number call him. After exchanged hello, Sungjong couldn’t help but to smile as Myungsoo said something, “I don’t know when I should I call, I don’t want you think I am a stalker if I call you yesterday. So I think today is right.”
Sungjong laughed then admitted shyly, “No problem, hyung. I’m waiting for your call.”
***
After the late night phone call, Sungjong didn’t know when it became their habit to talk until the midnight. Talking with Myungsoo made him happier than before. Myungsoo was an attentive listener, he also told a good joke and he respond well from everything that Sungjong said to him.
Sungjong felt lighter than before. He prayed that his sickness wouldn’t come and destroyed all the happiness he felt right now. He needed this type of elevated feeling to help him endure the day to come. The days of guilty, shame and sin. Sungjong felt he sleeps better after their phone call every night.
Because Myungsoo made him feel happy, Sungjong agreed when he asked him to go to coffee shop with him one day. It was weekend, Sungjong should go home but he knew that he would rather go out with Myungsoo than torture himself with guilty conscience.
Myungsoo wore black T-shirt and Cargo pants. It wasn’t fashionable at all but somehow Myungsoo rocked it well, and Sungjong liked it a lot. He waved his hand cheerfully and his smile made Sungjong’s lips curled up too.
“Have you waited so long?” Sungjong asked.
Myungsoo shook his head, “Not that long. You looked good today.” He said shyly.
Sungjong didn’t want to look so dress up, but he also didn’t want to look too sloppy. So he decided to wear his normal cloth, after all people always compliment him with his fashion choice.
“Thank you.” Sungjong accepted the compliment, and he felt obligation to do the same, “You are not bad too, hyung.”
Myungsoo beamed in happiness, “Thank you. I fought with Sungyeol this morning, he said I looked bad. I should wear blue jeans instead, but you know this is my favorite pants.”
You should hear Sungyeol, whoever he was. Sungjong wanted to tell him that but decided it wasn’t the time yet. He didn’t know Myungsoo that well, he should restrain himself to give harsh critics about personal preference like fashion.
“Should we go?” Sungjong asked.
Myungsoo brought him to a small coffee shop with homey feeling. The owner was an old man with the help of two waiters. The coffee was standard and the dessert was even so, but the atmosphere and the feeling that the shop invoke within you made you feel safe and secure and comfortable.
Sungjong saw the old hearth near the corner, above the hearth there was a picture of woman in her twenties. Beautiful and somehow classic. Giving the visitors nostalgic feeling. The woman face was blanked but you can see kindness from the haunted beautiful eyes.
“Who is that woman?” Sungjong asked Myungsoo.
Myungsoo shrugged, “They said she is the owner deceased sister. The owner really loves his sister so he hung her picture here.” Myungsoo explained it. Somehow it was sad to lose your family member, but Sungjong wondered if someday he were gone, would someone keep his memorial like this?
“That must be good to have someone who loves you enough to keep your memories alive.” Sungjong said. His smile was fleeting and laced with hidden sadness
“I like to take picture.” Myungsoo said out of blue. “I think it is really cool to capture every precious moment in your life.”
“Really? Can I see it, hyung?”
Myungsoo nodded, “Of course, I will send it to your Kakao talk later.”
And Myungsoo really did. Later, those picture was the only things that grounded Sungjong to the beautiful of life, when all the darkness would started to knock his door. He would pull one of the picture just to stare at it to regain his sense of light and tranquility. When his Demon wouldn’t leave him alone it was the only thing that remain him to be strong enough to keep them on the bay.
***
Days became weeks and weeks became months Sungjong didn’t even realize that talking to Myungsoo every night became routine. Routine but not the boring one, in fact it was the moment he waited the most in the end of the day. No matter how crappy his day was, he knew it would be better after he talked to Myungsoo.
In Myungsoo’s eyes he saw acceptance and sincerity. Sungjong saw his innocence and it was like he was thrown back to the time when he knew nothing about his sickness. The time when his heart free from guilt, shame and fear. Although those feeling was still hovering the back of his mind but somehow with Myungsoo existences he could lock it deep in his brain.
It all went well until one dreadful night after he got home during the weekend for first time. He went up straight to his room to take the phone call from Myungsoo, he felt happy and elated yet when the phone call was over, he was shocked by his mother who stood in front of room door.
“Mom, what are you doing?” he asked nervously.
His mother squinted her doe eyes, the same eyes like his. “Who you talk to?”
Sungjong felt her tone was different but he couldn’t figure it out what was wrong with her. “My friend.”
“Taemin or Jong in?”
“Another one. You haven’t met him yet, mom. He is nice kid.” He nervously explained to his mother.
“Is it the same kid who makes you never go home during weekend?” he didn’t like his mother accusing tone. It was like because of Myungsoo he never wanted to go home anymore. No. Myungsoo wasn’t the reason. Everytime Sungjong came back to his home, he felt like a huge boulder placed on his shoulder. It crashed him down.
“No he is not! I am 16, Mom. It is natural for us to be with our friends more than our family.”
His mother sighed, “I know. But you are good kid, I am afraid that kid would take advantages of you.” She said pitifully, his mother walked closer and held his hand in hers. It was supposed to warm, and It did until another words came from his mother. “You know nowadays lot of thing can lead people astray, I want you to be walking in righteous and upright path. It is really important to choose your friends well. We raise you as our precious son, we want you to have the best life ever. Have a good job, good integrity and later good woman to start family with.”
Sungjong tensed when she said righteous path, his body constrained more when his mother mentioned good woman. What would his mother do if she knew that Sungjong couldn’t imagine himself with a woman. Sungjong became tense and tenser as his mother kept mentioning about his future.
It was never like that. Usually he was just fine with his mother hopeful thinking about his future, but right now he was lying blatantly to his mother about it. He saw him and another man would live together in small apartment. Sungjong felt sick.
“I don’t want to restrain your freedom but I think it’s pretty important to have limit.” His mother ended her talk warmly. Sungjong didn’t have energy to say anything anymore, once his mother walked out from his room he buried himself in the blanket and cried. He knew once his parents know about his little secret, they would never love him the same again.
Sungjong cried himself to exhaustion, and he fell asleep. In his back of mind, he expected that he would have nightmare of his family abandoned him completely but the reality proved him wrong. That night Sungjong did have a dream but instead of nightmare he woke up with Myungsoo image in his head. The memories was still clear in his mind made his body has its own brain as he started to touch himself.
At night guilt was never prominence, hormone clouded all the judgment and lust kept everything on the bay but when the dawn showed his face and the sun started to peek on horizon everything crashed down on Sungjong. He couldn’t even face himself in front of mirror, how would he faced his family or worse Myungsoo?
***
Sungjong was avoiding him. Myungsoo wasn’t genius but he could figure it out that much. What was other reason when Sungjong didn’t pick up the phone suddenly? He even refused to meet him after school at the bus stop. What did he do wrong? Myungsoo had never been avoided like this before. He thought they had already become so close?
Did Sungjong realize that he dream of him? Did Sungjong know that Myungsoo used him as the image when he ? Fine it did sound dirty, but Myungsoo didn’t only want him as the source for his burning imagination sometimes Myungsoo imagined how would they ended up together just watching TV and cuddling. Myungsoo was so happy just by imagining it.
Then suddenly he started to disappear from his life. Myungsoo didn’t want it. He just found Sungjong and he wanted to know him more. Sungjong was like a mystery you want to unravel. Like a movie you want to know.
Sick of his bad mood and whining, Sungyeol smothered him with pillow before saying, “Just go to his school and let me sleep already. You crazy bastard!”
“But what if he don’t want to see me?” he whined again.
“Your condition couldn’t be worse than now. Geeze, I can’t believe you acted lovesick puppies.”
“I am not,” Myungsoo denied it. “I don’t want to lose Sungjong friendship! He is like a brother, he is cute.” Myungsoo had to hide his guilty conscience when he said that. Honestly it was the biggest lie of centuries. Sungjong was never a brother for him, he was more like…something that he couldn’t define but very important.
Sungyeol looked at him with weird gaze as if he knew something but refrain himself to say it out loud. Sungyeol rolled his eyes before moved away, “I don’t care what you do about your condition but if I hear you whine once again, I will really smother you in sleep.” He threatened.
The next day Myungsoo stood in front of Sungjong’s school gate after school. He needed to talk with Sungjong, and he couldn’t wait longer. He needed explanation why Sungjong refuse to meet him again. Myungsoo saw Sungjong walked with his head hung low. He wasn’t okay too.
“Sungjongie.” He called.
Sungjong saw him but the expression wasn’t the one Myungsoo wanted. Sungjong face expressed terror and dread, it was like he saw a devil. Sungjong ran away, Myungsoo wouldn’t let him. So he gave him a chase.
Sungjong ran passed the same alley Myungsoo first saw him. Myungsoo thanked all the sport club he ever joined since elementary. His legs didn’t fail him and he caught up with Sungjong. He grabbed Sungjong wrist to stop him.
The sight in front of him punched him right to his gut. Sungjong was crying, his face was all red, his eyes were puffy and his lower lips trembled. Myungsoo didn’t know what should he do, but he knew letting the boy go would never solve their problem.
“Why are you crying, Sungjongie?” He asked.
Sungjong wiped his tears with back of his hand, “Leave me alone!” he said fiercely.
“No, I won’t. Why are you crying Sungjong?” he asked. Who made this angel cry? Myungsoo would give those people lesson. “Are you bullied again?” he asked again. “Who is it?”
Sungjong refused to answer, he struggled to flee from Myungsoo grasp. Myungsoo knew it was only half hearted effort because his grasp wasn’t that strong, Sungjong could just push him away with half of his strength. Myungsoo drew him into his embrace, he pushed Sungjong’s head to his shoulder until Sungjong’s face buried into his shoulder.
“Don’t cry please, it hurts me too.” He whispered softly to Sungjong’s ear. “Who made you cry?”
Sungjong went still but didn’t let go his held on Myungsoo shoulder. He cried his heart out, he clung on him like it was the last time they would meet each other. He poured out every last drop of his emotion and Myungsoo let him.
He cupped Sungjong cheek with his left hand, and used his thump to wipe tears stained cheek. Myungsoo didn’t know why but right now he had this strong urge to kiss Sungjong. Perhaps because of the tears, perhaps because of the nostalgic feeling that envelop them, or perhaps because all of the dream he experience every night.
Myungsoo lowered his head. His lips touched Sungjong’s lips in soft flutter kiss. It wasn’t like hot and wet kiss from his imagination but That kiss made the firework exploded in his brain, and a warmth seeped out from the deepest corner of his heart.
Sungjong went still, Myungsoo was anxious that He would push him, then punched him on the face. Yet, his worry was for naught, as Sungjong’s hand slowly wrapped around his neck and their eyes shut tight. Both of them didn’t deepen the kiss because they wee afraid to destroy any illusion of peace that envelope them.
In this fragile and illusion like moment, Myungsoo was complete. He had Sungjong in his arm, he needed nothing from this world anymore. He didn’t know what would happen next but this was something that Myungsoo knew he would cherish forever until the very last breath of his puny life.
***
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