34 I’M SO COLD AND I KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO GET BACK TO YOU

(last chapter)

“Still I say, there’s a way for us.”

- On My Own (Les Misérables)

They have not known each other for a very long time but Minho feels like the entirety of his friendship with Kibum has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. And what is unfolding before Minho’s eyes right now is definitely ugly.

Since Minho met Kibum, there’s always been a tinge of sadness in the latter’s eyes, and Minho believes it isn’t just noticeable to many because it is overshadowed by Kibum’s glamorous appearance. Kibum has that quality about him; he can look ravishing even in a tracksuit or regular pajamas.

So even without knowing what happened, Minho was filled with sympathy when he saw Kibum rushing towards him earlier. Kibum was in his usual practice clothes that are casual but looks especially stylish on him, only this time he looked utterly wrecked. Minho then realized that it is Kibum’s bearing that makes him look stunning all the time. And only inner turmoil could be responsible for the pitiful-looking Kibum that ran to him and almost collapsed on the marble floor had Minho not caught him in his arms.

“He was gone when I woke up,” Kibum struggled to say between sniffles.

Minho wants to hate Taemin. He’s stifling the compulsion to punch jerks that hurt the people he cares about. However, Minho spotted Taemin when he was escorting Kibum out of the hotel and realized that the boy didn’t really leave. He was lingering and probably processing his emotions because Taemin looked muddleheaded. Taemin wasn’t aware that Minho was stealing glances at him from behind his dark sunglasses.

How many times did Minho have to deal with a drunken Kibum, who screams Taemin’s name from the top of the hill where they usually park Minho’s car to relax and drink beer? How many times has he caught a sober Kibum watching Taemin’s music videos, stages, and interviews on YouTube? And there was even one time when Kibum was drunk AND watching Taemin’s videos. When Minho asked him to stop, Kibum laughed sinisterly and said, “Before I started working for SM, I watched Taemin’s videos so I could somehow get to know him. This is me going full circle, isn’t that beautiful? I’m watching these videos to forget him this time!” The logic of a drunk who’s in love and unable to get over someone.

So, yes, Minho really wants to hate Taemin. But Kibum has only ever said good words about him… that Taemin is the nicest, gentlest soul he knows in spite of being the fiercest stage performer. Minho also got a good look at Taemin when he was leaving the hotel with Kibum, and he is certain that Taemin was definitely crushed. Minho sees Taemin around SM, and every feature on the boy’s face seems to always manifest glee. He has a smiling face even when barely smiling. But in that moment at the hotel, Taemin looked like a different person to Minho. It’s as if the boy aged ten years overnight.

Minho wants to say something about this to Kibum, but the second they got inside the van Kibum begged him not to ask him anything or bring up Taemin.

You need to know he’s hurting too, Kibum. But I will tell you this another time.

--

As the van enters the nursing home compound, Kibum silently prays that Heekyung is lucid despite knowing how much of a rare occurrence that is for someone in the advance stage of Alzheimer’s. He is willing to exercise his faith because he needs his mother right now. He needs her to hold him and tell him that he will survive this, just like he did all the disasters he has experienced in his barely thirty years of existence. Nevertheless, Kibum is glad that the cynic in him had acknowledged that it was wishful thinking to walk inside Heekyung’s room and find there the woman she used to be. It made his disappointment less brutal. 

Heekyung’s default position, which is sitting on her bed frozen, doesn’t stop Kibum from throwing his arms around her and sobbing on her shoulder. His mother may only be physically present, but feeling her warmth and smelling her familiar scent draw out the child in Kibum that has no concept of reeling in emotions.  

After a good cry, Kibum feels the exhaustion in his bones so he sits down properly beside Heekyung and leans his back on the headboard. He finds comfort in their clasped hands and in the silence between them.

When Kibum adjusts the pillow to support their lower backs better, he sees a book tucked under it and pulls it out. Great Expectations. He is stunned for a moment. It can’t be that one.  He flips it open and something drops from between the pages. It is the postcard from The Peninsula that Kibum sent from Tokyo.

Lee Taemin,

“Are you up for an English lesson tonight?”

Too bad you are miles away.

Merry Christmas, Superstar!

xx

Kibum absentmindedly browses the book until his mother snatches it from his hands.

“No! Pretty boy book!”

--

Taemin doesn’t know if Haru’s arrival in Seoul is divine intervention. He is grateful for the distraction but he started having second thoughts about this when Haru dragged him to LG Arts Center for the opening day matinee of Jesus Christ Superstar, of all musicals.

Come to think of it, it is Taemin’s fault that Haru developed a deep interest in musical theater. He talked about musicals non-stop during their rehearsal breaks (another proof of his incapacity to move on from his past, or more accurately, from Kibum). Still, the timing of this feels like a sick cosmic joke to Taemin.

Fortunately for him, he has become a true lover of musical theater. So when the curtains part for act one, the excitement kicks in and Taemin sits up straight, as though he isn’t at the front row center of the theater. Beside him, Haru is elated that her date is finally showing signs of life, for she has been wondering about Taemin’s downcast demeanor since he picked her up from the airport.

--

Kibum arranges the flowers he bought in the mint ceramic vase on his breakfast table. He cannot believe that he wanted to die yesterday morning and yet today he woke up in such a good mood that he headed out to Hongdae to buy his favorite ciabatta bread from Café Bonjur, a to-go cup of aged drip coffee from Philo, and a bunch of pink hydrangeas from Harry’s Flower Market.

When his inner dabbler of a florist is finally satisfied with the arrangement, he sits down and stares at it… or more like right through it, because what Kibum is actually seeing is the face of the receptionist at his mother’s institution during their conversation yesterday.

After finding the book he gave Taemin (his first ever gift to him), Kibum rushed to the front desk and inquired about his mother’s recent visitors. Ahn, the receptionist, showed him the visitors log in the desktop computer. In the five weeks that Kibum was in Japan, Taemin visited Heekyung at least twice a week.

“Lee Taemin came here often. He said you’re in Japan for work so he’ll be checking on Mrs. Kim himself and will be keeping her company…”

“We can tell that his visits make her happy. She laughs a lot and she cooperates with us when he’s around. Sometimes Taemin even helps us feed her or administer her medication. He makes her watch videos on his tablet and sometimes he reads to her until she falls asleep…”

“His last visit was after Christmas. He gave all the staff presents and told us that he demands a Christmas gift in return… He asked us to promise that we would take good care of Mrs. Kim.”

The sound of the door buzzer startles Kibum and causes the water pooling at his eyes to drop as heavy beads down his cheeks. He carelessly wipes his tears off and jumps up from his chair to get the door, but in his haste he twists his ankle and lands on the wooden floor with a loud thud.

“Kibum? Are you in there? What was that noise?”

Kibum groans in response to Minho, who happens to be his visitor. Well, not really a visitor since Minho lives two floors down in the same building, which is why he and Kibum often go to SM together when they have similar schedules and why they leave events together (making people assume that one goes home with the other).

“You’re decent, right? I’m going inside now.”

Minho punches in the lock code and immediately flings the door open. He rushes to Kibum, who is still on the floor clutching his ankle. He helps Kibum up and supports the latter’s weight with his arms until they are both seated on the couch.

“What happened to you? Wait, were you crying? You were crying even before you fell on the floor, weren’t you?”

“I’m fine, Ming. And before you worry again, I wasn’t crying out of despair.”

“Okay. Then tell me what’s up. You were a wreck yesterday morning.”

“I found out something yesterday. I know I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but I have a feeling that what I’m feeling is right? It’s… it’s hard to explain. Especially after the stunt he pulled yesterday. I’m going to tell you but you’re not allowed to yell or laugh at me. If you have to pick one, yell at me. Don’t laugh because it isn’t really funny. How to say this? I… I think… Well, you see, Ming, I suspect that--“

“Taemin still loves you.”

“--Tae… wait. Are you making a wild guess or was it obvious that was what I was going to say?”

“No, Kibum. I’m telling you that Taemin loves you.”

--

It was one riveting scene after another, and Taemin is living in Israel at the time of Christ this very moment. Until that troubling yet tender scene wherein Mary Magdalene is watching the sleeping Jesus.  He is suddenly hurled back into his world. The song is too familiar to Taemin. And so are the emotions encapsulated in the verses.

I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days, when I've seen myself

I seem like someone else

I don't know how to take this
 

Taemin now understands more why Kibum sang this song for him. Listening to it now feels like every line is a stake being driven into his chest.  Kibum has never outright rejected him nor has he ever treated Taemin coldly, much less harshly. He simply stayed on his side of the world in a careful attempt to keep Taemin’s from crumbling.

Superstar. Kibum fondly called him this on more than a few occasions. It all makes sense to Taemin now. Just like him, Kibum was caught off guard and he struggled in defining what he felt. Kibum had been afraid but he was never cowardly. He held on but was never covetous. Ultimately, Kibum’s downfall was not knowing what to do with love when he found it because he believed loving Taemin is much bigger and more complex than just loving someone.

Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this

What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position
I'm the one who's always been

So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so

I never thought I'd come to this

What's it all about?

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope

I'd turn my head, I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know

He scares me so

I want him so

I love him so

“I love him so,” Taemin blurts out, catching the attention of Haru, who shoots him a questioning look but immediately turns her focus back on the stage.

Taemin wants to hug Haru for bringing him here. He looks back at everything that has happened since he and Kibum parted ways, and now Taemin has clarity. He knows what to do… well, no, he doesn’t, but he knows what must happen—

Kibum must see and realize that it isn’t Superstar Lee Taemin that he loves. He is just Taemin… the boy who learned to live off the stage because of him.

--

Between his discovery of Taemin’s visits to his mother and Minho’s revelation that Taemin didn’t abandon him at the hotel, Kibum cannot decide which is the more viable proof of Taemin’s affection.

It doesn’t really matter, though, because there’s a sparkle in Kibum’s soul which he hasn’t felt in a long time. And tonight, at the New Year’s party Jonghyun organized (which is also in honor of his Jinki’s return), Kibum will talk to Taemin and tell him how he feels. He doesn’t care if Taemin no longer has romantic feelings for him. It’s enough for Kibum to know that Taemin still cares about him. He wants to thank Taemin for the kindness he extended to his mother. Kibum also wants to tell Taemin that he wants to be in his life… as a friend, hyung, or whatever, even pro-bono English tutor and interpreter. He just wants to be around to take care of Taemin because living without the boy has made him feel hollow for such a long time and he’s had enough.

But if Taemin loves him the same way he does, then Kibum will fight for them. For real this time. If he has to speak up for the two of them in front of the management, so be it. Kibum has enough savings now and connections. He can fund his mother’s hospice care and medical expenses. And if SM threatens to destroy Taemin’s career, Kibum can ask Minho for help since he is good friends with the infamous celebrity lawyer, Choi Kang-Seok (Minho isn’t known as ‘the hyung collector’ for nothing). Kibum is confident that he and Taemin can afford to pay the man if it gets to that point.

But Kibum still wishes he could reason with the executives. Besides, being an idol made Kibum discover a new talent of his— negotiating. He has never signed a contract on the spot because he often made demands that necessitate revisions. In other words, Kibum manages to get what he wants. He doesn’t know if management is merely factoring in his great sacrifice when he agreed to ditch Taemin. But the important thing now is that both his wit and tongue are sharp enough to use against the manipulative executives.

“Kibum, are you ready?” Minho is back at his doorstep; they are heading off to the New Year’s party together.

“Come in. I’m just waxing my hair.”

“Woah. You really dressed up to get your boy back, didn’t you?”

“Shut up. I already wore this to a fashion event a few months ago. I haven’t worn it again since I got it back from the dry-cleaners.”

Kibum is wearing a plain white top under a brown leather jacket, white trousers with pleats at the front and sides, and white sneakers with brown shoelaces. Minho glances at his own shirt and jeans combo and shrugs.

“I’ll go back to my unit and grab my Balenciaga jacket. Wait for you at the parking slot. I don’t want to look like your errand guy.”

“You think Taemin will like my outfit?”

“Let me think… what were you wearing the last time he was with you? Oh yeah, nothing!”

Minho ducks just in time to miss the tub of hair wax Kibum throws at him.

“I won’t make pasta for you to bring to your girlfriend’s family ever again!”

--

After the musical, Taemin and Haru head to Kloud at the Mercure Ambassador in Gangnam, the venue personally picked by Jonghyun for the New Year’s-slash-reunion party he’s throwing for Jinki and his closest friends.

Taemin buttons his jacket when they reach the Mercure. He is wearing a black suit with a pattern of white outline stars all over. He knew he was going to see Kibum tonight and he thought it would somehow make a good impression to be in the sponsored outfit he wore to Charm’s runway event last fall. Kibum is good friends with the Charm’s people, so when they called Taemin on the phone and asked him to grace the show in Kibum’s place (since the latter was doing a magazine photoshoot overseas at that time), he immediately said yes. Never mind that fashion shows are as interesting to Taemin as the stock exchange channel on TV. And although he was initially bored out of his wits watching the models catwalk down the runway, Taemin eventually found himself smiling as he recalled what the brand manager told him on the phone…

It was Kibum who actually suggested that we invite you to represent the music scene in his stead. He said your height is average but your figure is better than most male models’. I think he even used the word ‘perfect’.

Taemin is desperate to compensate for their last encounter and he hopes that his wardrobe choice succeeds as a first step.

Before he opens Kloud’s main door, Haru grabs Taemin’s wrist.

“Taemin, before we go inside, can I ask you a favor?”

Taemin turns to look at Haru, surprised at the look of uncertainty on her face. All this time he has only seen Haru as confident, self-assured, and a woman who knows what she wants. Even in their dance rehearsals, Taemin admires her for always taking the lead even if he was the star of the show. She strikes a perfect balance between calculated and spontaneous, but she is definitely in control and not once has she delivered anything short of perfect.

Something tugs at Taemin’s heart seeing Haru looking like she’s on the verge of losing her bearing.

“Of course, Haru-chan. Anything. What is it?”

“Kiss me.”

---

Minho glances at Kibum as they walk down the hallway going to the venue. He sees a look on his friend’s face that he has never seen before— Kibum looks hopeful. He nudges Kibum with his elbow, teasing his friend who cannot hide his smile.

“Shut up, Minho.”

“Uh, I didn’t say anything?”

“Just… stop it. Whatever it is you’re doing.”

Minho bites his lower lip in an attempt to prevent himself from laughing at Kibum, who’s behaving like a flustered teenager. Kibum sees this and punches his shoulder. They both end up laughing. Kibum’s laughter is prolonged because of Minho’s funny hyena laugh, and he realizes that he’s drawn to people who laugh funny. Ironically, people often say this about Kibum himself. Fans even circulated a video of a duck on Twitter that sounds exactly like him when he’s laughing.

Minho’s laughter comes to an abrupt stop when he sees two figures by the door— Taemin and Haru. Apparently, the couple didn’t hear them approaching (and laughing) because of the loud music blasting from behind the door. Minho turns around and tries to block Kibum’s view with his towering height, but the way his friend is frozen on his spot with his eyes shut tells him that Kibum has already seen the two kissing.

“I just… I just need to use the toilet,” Kibum quietly says before retreating and running back to the main lobby.

Thanks to Minho’s long legs and athleticism, he catches up with Kibum before the latter could go inside the restroom. He pulls Kibum by the arm to face him and grips the latter’s shoulders with his firm hands.

“Kibum, I’m so sorry. I can drive you back to the apartment if you want to go home. I’ll just come back here and tell Jjong you’re feeling under the weather.”

Kibum sighs and surprises Minho with a smile… a weak smile which Kibum hopes communicates sincerity in spite of his sadness.

“No, Ming. I’m not going home. I’m not going to carelessly pass judgment on Taemin like what I’ve been doing all this time. He deserves to be happy with anyone he chooses. It doesn’t change the fact that he cares about me. You know, while I was in Japan, Taemin spent all of his free time at the nursing home to keep my mother company. He did that in secret. So I’m going to stay. I’ve already made up my mind and I’m going to be with Taemin, even just as a friend. I’m going to take care of him, just as I always have before the executives screwed us over. Besides, I actually like Haru. She’s a good match for him.”

“Okay. I’m glad to hear this, Kibum. But why did you run away so fast like you saw a Minotaur?”

“Are you crazy? I’m not a masochist! I’m willing to be a friend to Taemin but I’m not going to torture myself by watching him make out with someone.”

“Oh yeah. Of course. So, shall we? I believe we dressed up for a hell of a party. Well, you more than me. And let’s not forget that Jinki’s back! Back! Back! Back! Back!”

Kibum chuckles at Minho’s silliness. How grateful he is for such a loving, devoted friend. Kibum vows to himself that he will stand by Minho when the time comes for his friend to face the management and announce his engagement to his longtime girlfriend whom they know nothing about. If there’s anyone in Kibum’s book who deserves a peaceful kind of happiness other than Taemin, it’s the fiercely loyal and kind-hearted Choi Minho.

But right now, Kibum is dying to see Jonghyun and Jinki. Kibum has only ever seen an epic kind of love in books, films, and musicals, obviously. Until he witnessed Jjong and Jinki’s romance. There’s a line from Shakespeare’s As You Like It that comes to his mind every time Kibum sees the couple:

The sight of lovers feedeth those in love.

Kibum thinks that no matter what state his heart is in, as someone who knows and understands love, seeing Jonghyun and Jinki together is sustenance. And if it’s inspiration that Kibum needs in approaching Taemin, seeing the couple together again is his best shot at finding it.

--

It is Haru who breaks the kiss, which will definitely go down in her dating history (or in her and Taemin’s case, pseudo-dating) as the most awkward kiss. And what’s even more amusing to Haru is how guilty Taemin looked when she pulled away.

“Haru-chan, I’m… I’m sorry. I--“

“Don’t worry about it, Taemin. I’m not upset. That was—“ Haru started snorting until she finally breaks into laugher, which escalates when she sees the look of relief on Taemin’s face.

“Oh my god, that was bad, Taemin! I suppose New Year’s kiss is out of the question. I’m glad we didn’t wait until midnight. That would’ve ruined our whole year!”

“Thank you for being a good sport about this. I’m sorry if you think I wasted your time. I have no regrets because you’ve become one of my dearest friends, Haru-chan.”

“I’m not really surprised, Taemin. But I like you a lot so I owe it to myself to give it a shot, right?”

“Wait… You’re not surprised?”

Haru looks away because Taemin’s puzzled face is one of the most adorable faces he makes. She knows that she has to start getting over Taemin this very instant so she wouldn’t welcome the New Year with her heart in pieces. But Haru realizes that wouldn’t be the case