29 PLEASE DON’T GO

Think of me

Think of me fondly…

When we say goodbye.

(from “Phantom Of The Opera”)

--

Taemin was only 16 when he started training at SME.

Ten years. Taemin looks back over those years and realizes it has been a career worth slaving an entire decade for— chart-topping albums, hefty endorsement deals, numerous television appearances, sold-out concerts, and millions of fans. More importantly, he was able to buy his family a house. Not an apartment, like what most families in their country call home, but an actual 2-storey house on a huge lot that had been able to accommodate a garage for the two vehicles Taemin bought for his parents and his brother Taesun, and a landscaped garden with a pond and gazebo, where his mother often entertained her friends.  

Taemin is tired, but not in the way that he is ready to throw in the towel; he just feels that he has accomplished enough for other people and he can now afford to be selfish and endeavor something that would personally make him happy.

He scans the conference room, eyes meeting with those of the SM executives’ before he fixes his gaze at Miss Seok.

“You may stop the video. It’s true that Key and I are together. It isn’t a casual hookup. And I intend to keep seeing him no matter what you all say.”

“Taemin, you don’t understand. We already met with Key and he has agreed to break it off with you. Moreover, we are training him for a year, then we’ll launch him as a solo artist here and in the U.S. He sings, dances, acts, writes songs… has a great sense of style, and fluent in several languages. He was born to be an idol. And that face…” Miss Seok turns to the company president, “Maybe we should name Key’s first album Face.”

“No… you must have pressured Key-hyung into agreeing with you. Or did you blackmail him?”

“Taemin, listen...” It was the VP, Mr. Nam, who spoke this time. “Your dalliance with your interpreter has resulted to a scandal. A scandal that could destroy your decade-long career and destroy Key’s chances of ever having one. This will wreck you and your family, Taemin. And I’m aware that your parents are devout Catholics. Key made a wise decision. He doesn’t want your career to be ruined and he accepted our generous job offer. If he succeeds, he’ll be made for life. His mother has Alzheimer’s disease. Do you have any idea how costly that damn disease is? My late grandmother had AD. So you see, Taemin, you don’t really have a choice here. Key is going to sign the contract. There is nothing to fight for, Taemin.”

“B-but what about the video? If Jinchae uploads it, there’s no career for me to salvage and no career for Key to pursue.”

“We’ll deal with Jinchae. He’s a slimy bastard who thinks he can blackmail a giant. He hasn’t uploaded the video because he thinks we’re reviewing his terms, which is basically to pay him off and keep him as your main backup dancer. But the truth is that we can slap him with an expensive lawsuit for breaching his contract, which states that he cannot record or upload behind-the-scenes bits on the job. We can sue him for blackmail too, if he dares to upload the video. Well, actually, he doesn’t have that option because we can hire a hacker to erase everything on his iCloud or wherever he keeps his personal videos. And he will be terminated from SME and blacklisted in all entertainment companies. Jinchae is pretty much over. But we won’t go through these lengths to keep that video from leaking, Taemin, if you’re going to insist on being stubborn about Key.”

--

“Taemin! Tae, wait! Where are you going?” Jonghyun jogs to be able to catch up with Taemin, who is on his way to his car in the building’s basement parking.

“If you’re going to see Kibum, I don’t think it’s a good idea. You’re upset.”

“I’m not going to confront him, Jjong-hyung. I’m going to see his mother.”

“You’re-- what? Why? I don’t think they’ll allow you to see her without Kibum with you.”

“Kibum-hyung told me a few months ago that the institution required him to list two other names in case of an emergency. He doesn’t have a family apart from his mother, so he listed me and Jinki-hyung as emergency contacts and persons allowed to see his mother on his behalf.”

“But why are you going to see her, Taemin?”

Taemin lifts his head to face Jonghyun, and only then did the latter realize that Taemin had been holding back his tears. His face is flushed and the water pooling in the corner of his eyes finally rolls down his cheeks.

“I-I have to do this… I have to see her. I need to see that she’s being taken care of in her illness so I c-could understand. So I could forgive Kibum for breaking his word. I need to know that he left me for a reason I can accept… so I can move on.”

--

Taesun notices that his brother has been sighing a lot uncharacteristically. The Lees are in Jeju Island for two weeks, as Taemin was given some time off by SME as an incentive since he just successfully completed a tour and will be working on a mini-album upon his return. Taemin decides to treat his family to a vacation. Besides, he needed to get away to clear his head… and to purge himself of the desire to be with Kibum.

As Taemin sighs for the nth time, he tells himself that he is meant to live the cliché that love is supposed to hurt… and that the beloved is meant to be lost. Suddenly, Taemin realizes he really needs to stop reading Shakespearean sonnets because as much as it can help him romanticize his pain, it also reminds him too much of Kibum.

“Taemin?” Taesun’s voice disrupts Kibum’s sonnet-reciting in Taemin’s head.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, hyung. Why wouldn’t I be?”

I am most certainly not okay. Taemin wishes he could just hate Kibum and convince himself that he has been betrayed. Perhaps that will help him get over Kibum. Or be so full of wrath, like Circe or Medea of Greek Mythology. He should also stop reading Mythology because, again, it reminds him of Kibum.

“Hey, Taemin. You’re drifting off again. You know, Umma, Appa, and I noticed that you’ve been so quiet. And that you seem to be somewhere else. You even look sad. Are you sure you’re okay?”

No, hyung. I am not okay. I met the most wonderful person and fell in love, but I got dumped. And I cannot even be angry about it because the factors that are keeping us apart are bigger than us. Apparently, love isn’t so powerful, unlike what they say. And, oh, I’m gay, by the way. Or at least I think I am, since the person I fell deeply in love with—and slept with, twice—is a man.

Taemin wants to be honest with his brother, but he does not see the point in rocking the boat. His family loves him and cares about him, but Taemin is aware of their conservative and very Catholic views. Just a week ago, he was all set to fight… to defend his relationship with Kibum against people, including his family, and against all odds. But now that they aren’t together, there really is no point in it anymore. And Taemin barely has any strength in him to carry on a casual conversation these days, so fighting sounds like a frivolous and ridiculous plan that he hatched in the distant past. Besides, Taemin is positive he will never find anyone that can compare to Kibum and his feelings for him, so he might just end up conforming to what his family and society deem as a successful life: having a good job or career and being married with children. 

Perhaps this is the purpose of my existence— to please other people, make them happy. And as long as I keep succeeding at that, I should content myself with secondhand joy.

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