30 YOU AND I (part 1)

“I was so happy during the tour. But in a strange, sick way I wished that he’d turn out to be a typical celebrity and I would just end up being used. During that time, I was so used to being hurt and emotionally battered that my life would’ve just went on even after he breaks me. But he loved me back. Taemin loved me back. And suddenly, I didn’t know what to do.”

Kibum pauses to chuckle to himself… a sinister laugh that sounds pained more than anything.

“That’s why when we went out for karaoke with SuJu and EXO, I picked the song I Don’t Know How To Love Him. Because I really didn’t know. Well, I guess I wasn’t supposed to know… because when we finally decided to be together, we found out that we could actually never.”

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope

I'd turn my head, I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so

I love him so

Kibum interrupts himself before the whole song plays in his head.

“Anyway, I’m sorry, Minho. I didn’t mean to bore you with my Shakespearean tragedy. It’s been more than a year and a half. I’m sure he has moved on.”

“And have you?” Minho’s beautiful big eyes are fixed on him and his eyebrows are raised. Kibum realizes that Minho is genuinely eager to know his answer.

--

Taemin is sitting by the counter table, waiting for the takeout Hamachi Sashimi and tuna roll he left in the fridge overnight to lose a bit of coldness. He is in a serviced apartment in Shinjuku.

Taemin has spent more time in Tokyo than in Seoul for the past year and a half. Among his dozens of projects here is a Japanese album with promotional tour. Taemin had personally requested to be more active in Japan for the time being, which is why he is staying in an apartment and not in a hotel. The executives were merciful enough not to ask Taemin why he wanted to be away from Seoul.

SME had been accommodating to Taemin’s requests since that fateful day… the day Jinchae exposed him and Kibum to the executives. On good days, Taemin thinks of the management’s gesture as a kind compensation. On bad days, Taemin believes they’re just giving him enough to hold on to since he still is SME’s most bankable solo act. 

As Taemin drifts off in thought and his sushi thaws out, he doesn’t notice right away that Jonghyun is calling him. It is only when the kettle whistles that he comes to his senses and sees his phone screen flashing.

Taemin: Hyung! Sorry it took me a while to pick up.

Jonghyun: Hey, Tae! I just got off the phone with Mr. Nam and it looks like you have to return to Seoul next week.

Taemin: Yeah, I’m not surprised. I only have two variety shows and one radio show to do and that’s a wrap for my promo.

Jonghyun: Good, good.

Taemin: You know, hyung… that one’s an honest to goodness good song.

Jonghyun: Huh? Song? What are you talking about?

Taemin: ‘Good Good’

Jonghyun: [after an awkwardly long pause] You like his album, don’t you?

Taemin: Like it? I love it, hyung. It’s really good. I just… I just have qualms about it being called Face.

Jonghyun: You don’t think ‘Face’ suits Kibum?

Taemin: O-of course it does. He’s… he has… I mean, we all know he’s got the face. It’s just that I can’t help but think it was Miss Seok who decided on it. That cruel hag.

Jonghyun: [laughs loudly then clears his throat] So how are you, Tae? Before you answer me with ‘I’m okay’, you know what I mean by ‘how are you’.

Taemin: [sighs] I’m a lot better now, hyung. I can listen to his songs now without wanting to stab my heart with a kitchen knife since it won’t be different from how I actually feel.  

Jonghyun: [chuckles] It’s good to know you’re better. And you’re actually joking about it, which is a good sign.

Taemin: Speaking of him… have you seen his new music video?

Jonghyun: ‘I Will Fight’? Of course. Why? What about it?

Taemin: He wrote it for… anyway, forget it. Who directed the MV?

Jonghyun: Ben Mison, the British fella SME commissioned. So what about it?

Taemin: That scene on the rooftop of a high-rise building where he was blindfolded and seemingly reliving the memory of kissing the girl in the MV… whose idea was that?

Jonghyun: Well, I was there during the brainstorming for the MV. Kibum insisted that for this particular song, he’d provide the imagery storyline. Taemin, you are not answering my question. What about it?

Taemin: Nothing, hyung. Forget it. Anyway, I have to eat my brunch. Haru will be here in half an hour to pick me up.

Jonghyun: You’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately. Is there something you’re not telling me, Taeminah? Is this why you’re ‘better’ now?

Taemin: Hyung, as I said, I need to eat and get dressed. I’ll see you next week. Bye!

--

It is a pivotal moment in the musical— the part where the lead character’s estranged wife and current girlfriend are singing out their woes about one man.

Taemin imagines how Kibum portrayed the character of Anatoly in their theater production of Chess The Musical in New York. He believes it’s a convincing role since Kibum is handsome enough to have people fighting and going to pieces for him. Taemin remembers that night in Singapore when he, Kai, and Heechul were practically drooling over Kibum so bad that the shindig ended with a punch on Heechul’s face, a tug of war between Taemin and Kai, and a passed out Taemin in the hotel. Taemin scoffs at the memory, earning him a glance from Haru.

“They’re all so good. I’m glad you invited me to watch tonight.” Haru grasps Taemin’s arm and smiles sweetly at him before turning her attention back to the musical.

No one in your life is with you constantly

No one is completely on your side

And though I moved my world to be with him

Still the gap between us is too wide

The words to the song stirred something in Taemin… something that seems to constrict the air he’s supposed to breathe out. Taemin decides to humor himself once again by wondering if Kibum has admirers, or even lovers, that are currently fighting over him.

Wasn’t it good? [Oh so good]

Wasn’t he fine? [Oh so fine]

Isn’t it madness? He can’t be mine

Didn’t I know how it would go?

If I knew from the start, why am I falling apart?

The thought of Choi Minho suddenly pops inside Taemin’s head. He suddenly imagines himself singing this duet with Minho.

Choi Minho. He and Kibum seem to be inseparable. Choi Minho. SM’s debonair actor who turns out to be multi-talented. As if his dashing good looks weren’t  enough, the man can act, sing, rap, dance, and write lyrics. He collaborated with Kibum for the latter’s first single, “One of Those Nights”, taking over all the rap parts, which Taemin thought was unnecessary because Kibum is a good rapper. Perhaps Taemin’s just bitter.

Minho’s collaboration with Kibum delighted many. Their stages were lauded and the fans have even started shipping them. Sometimes Taemin would search the Taekey tag online just to see how many fans still remember his unbeatable chemistry with Kibum. But what Taemin wanted to know more than this is if Kibum’s bond with Minho is more than professional ties or friendship. Could Kibum be into the overtly manly type now? Taemin knows that Kibum will not be allowed to date another man. But maybe his relationship with Minho is confined in the ual nature so Kibum wouldn’t mind it being brief