jongin was never one for love.

sure, he had the occasional crush on a cute girl, or his eyes stayed locked longer than normal on a handsome boy. but he never exactly loved anyone romantically.

he just never found that person.

until, one day, he did.

.

(he didn’t realize that, although he might have found that person, that person never found him)

.

jongin remembers meeting kyungsoo, because how could he forget?

he remembers being with junmyeon, and how the elder had taken him by the arm to meet one of his “great friends.”

the “great friend” turned out to be do kyungsoo, a short guy one year older than him with wide eyes and lips shaped like a heart that made jongin stare a bit too long at them.

jongin couldn’t deny the fact that kyungsoo was the cutest person he had ever laid eyes upon. however, he was also the scariest.

all of that was cleared up too, when it was revealed that the shorter needed glasses for his astigmatism, so he had to glare in order to see. jongin forgave him in no time, and soon after they were the greatest of friends.

.

he should have realized then.

he should have realized that maybe kyungsoo wasn’t like him. that as much as he wanted to believe that those loving glances and caring touches meant something more, they were just nothing.

he should have realized that kyungsoo would be normal, that he would not be as messed up as jongin. he should have realized it sooner.

he should have realized that it was all nothing more but a big mistake.

a mistake that would continue to haunt jongin for the rest of his life.

.

he remembers those times.

the days were he was scared to even look a second longer at an attractive man. the way he often hid himself, hated himself, for feeling things that should not be felt. he remembers laying in his bed, crying silently as he tried to come up with an answer as to why was he different from the rest?

he remembers those times.

but not even that could stop him from loving the boy who managed to find a way into his heart, and stay engraved there forever.

.

for jongin, dancing was always all he could ever rely on. family was too complicated, and friends were too insincere. he rather put his loyalties in something that he knew would never leave him.

(why then, did he decide to let kyungsoo in? what made him different?)

dancing was his escape. it was his haven. it was his oldest and dearest companion. when he the music, and faced the mirror, he let the sounds flowing in the air take over. he didn’t feel his body, or the sound of his steps on the wooden floor, no. he just felt the music, and nothing else mattered.

until one day, all of that changed when kyungsoo started coming over.

then, nothing was ever the same.

.

kyungsoo sang like an angel, jongin concluded after hearing the elder discretely hum a tune under his breath, enraptured in his homework. his rich voice was like honey, warm chocolate, the feeling of silk against your skin. all in all, jongin loved it.

he couldn’t stop begging the other to sing to him, but kyungsoo never relented. until jongin proposed that, in exchanged to hear kyungsoo sing, jongin would show him his dance.

the elder agreed immediately.

.

and that was how the duo of jongin and kyungsoo began. with kyungsoo being the music, and jongin being completely captured by it (him).

they performed here and there, on small parks and local competitions. and although they both loved to win, they loved even more to see the gleam in each other’s eyes as they were praised for being so great together.

jongin should have known, he should known not to interpret anything as more than what it really was.

but how could he not think about kissing kyungsoo when the elder let out beautiful melodies into a microphone? how could he not want to hold his hand when the elder clapped at him after his dance practices? how could he not want to be with kyungsoo after hugging the smaller, and not wanting to let go?

how could he not fall in love with do kyungsoo?

.

and older jongin, going into his thirties, knows that he will never have an answer to that question.

sometimes he would be sipping on a cup of coffee, staring into the small clouds of creme in the cup, and he would remember the color of his eyes.

he would be making supper in the kitchen, and he could almost feel him next to him, laughing in glee as jongin messed up yet again on a simple dish.

and at night, after yet another day, he would lay on his bed, put on earphones, and close his eyes. he would put those old songs they used to perform, and he could almost hear kyungsoo next to him. he could almost feel the warmth of the other. he could almost imagine they were back at the dance studio during those nights, where they would just lay together with one earphone each, and let the music consume them.

almost.

but almost is never enough.

.

 

“hyung, what do you want to be when you’re older?”

“i’m already old.”

“you know what i mean.”

“i don’t know. i wanted to be a singer, or a chef, or... i don’t know.”

“you would be a great singer hyung. and your food is amazing!”

“thanks jongin-ah. but i wouldn’t want to be a singer without you by my side. and we both know you’re going to make it big one day.”

“hyung! don’t say that. i’ll always be by your side. i could never dance without you again, you know.”

kyungsoo had just laughed slightly, and closed his eyes. jongin stared at the other for a bit longer, admiring the slope of his nose, the pale rosiness in his lips, the smooth skin. then, he closed his eyes, and simply laid next to his hyung in the cold floor.

when he was almost sure that kyungsoo was asleep, he quietly said,

“i meant it. i need you, hyung.”

.

kyungsoo never heard those words.

would that have made all the difference?

.

the day that changed everything was an ordinary day.

they had been practicing for most of the afternoon in the studio, with jongin repeating the same sequence, and kyungsoo remembering lyrics to a ballad they had chosen.

it was late when they decided to call it a day. they had laid down on the floor, like many times before, and breathed quietly as they heard the soothing music in the back.

but like always, jongin kept his eyes open just a bit longer. this time, he noticed the light freckles on kyungsoo’s cheeks, and the short eyelashes that accompanied his eyes. he noticed perfect flaws, and small details that made his heart ache.

he didn’t really notice he had moved close, closer, to kyungsoo until the elder opened his eyes. they stared at each other.

jongin can’t remember who moved first, but all he remembers is how one second his lips were cold and slightly chapped, and the next they were pressing against kyungsoo’s.

for that short moment, jongin felt complete. satisfied. just with those few seconds, he knew he had found what he had never known he was looking for. he knew that kyungsoo felt the same things jongin had been feeling.

he knew that everything was perfect for those seconds.

but then, why is it that kyungsoo pulled away, his eyes wide in terror?

why is it that he could only watch as kyungsoo, his hyung, quickly picked up his backpack?

why is it that jongin could only feel the tears beginning to fall from his eyes as his mind finally caught up with what was happening, and not with what had happened?

why is it that jongin could only whimper out “hyung” as he watched kyungsoo leave with a part of him that would never come back?

why is it that jongin felt like his whole world had been destroyed when the door slammed shut, leaving him on a deafening silence?

why is that everything fell apart too fast, when everything had been so perfect?

why is that jongin fell in love with do kyungsoo?

.

(that was his first kiss)

.

he knew, seconds after, days after, years after, that he should have ran after him. he should have run. he should have done something.

he should have done anything, instead of just wait for someone who will never come back.

.

jongin never returned to that studio again, just as how kyungsoo never returned to jongin.

even so, they both had left the music still on.

.

he found out, weeks later, that the do family had been planning on moving. and that they officially moved out just the day before.

the day jongin and kyungsoo were supposed to perform the ballad.

(he had missed kyungsoo by just a day. just a day. would things have changed if he had been fast enough?)

.

days, months, years passed.

and jongin still could not forget the boy who made dreams seem easy to reach. he could not forget the boy who sang with stars in his eyes, and with a voice that made him believe in the impossible. he could not forget the boy with beautiful lips and beautiful smiles that made his heart beat faster when he saw they were directed towards him.

he could not forget kyungsoo, the boy who understood his music.

.

closure.

that was how jongin reassured himself to continue writing the letter.

just one letter.

yet, not even jongin could fool himself to say that the true reason he was writing the letter was hope.

when junmyeon had seen him passing by after not keeping in touch, he had gladly given him kyungsoo’s address. and when he asked his old friend how kyungsoo was doing, junmyeon replied, “same as always. still grumpy. but him and his husband seem really happy together.”

husband.

even after all those years, he couldn’t hide the fact that he loved kyungsoo.

with a clogged up throat, he quickly bid goodbye to junmyeon, and walked away.

strangers stared at him slightly, stray eyes that found a man close to falling apart. and he understood why they all seemed to look at him with something akin to pity.

he was almost sobbing in front of the street. the only thing stopping him was his hand pressed against his mouth.

he ran, even as tears clouded his vision. even as he accidentally pushed strangers. he just ran.

.

why is it, that after all those years, jongin still felt pain deep within his chest?

why couldn’t he let go?

.

kyungsoo was like simple things you find to be beautiful in life.

he was like the blooming flowers that rise after a harsh storm, the first sign of life. he was like the flutter in your chest as you saw butterflies awake from their slumber, preparing for their migration. he was like the rays of sun falling through the clouds after a long night. he was like the shinning stars you were lucky to find on a day where the clouds covered the sky.

he was like the burning of fire, so utterly beautiful, and yet, so utterly deadly.

kyungsoo was like those small, hidden things that make life just that much more meaningful.

that much more enjoyable to live.

.

he had debated whether to writing the letter at all for weeks, simply staring at the address with eyes filled with curiosity and melancholy.

but one day, after hearing the ballad they were going to perform, he decided he needed to do this.

for kyungsoo.

and for himself.

.

jongin remembers writing that letter, so long ago. he remembers dragging the pen across the plain paper, scattering it with ink filled with emotions and words never said.

.

 

to my only love

 

. 

 

he mailed the letter the next day.

.

he never got a response.

.

jongin never met anyone else.

his friends set him up in dates. he kissed many girls, fewer boys. he cuddled with the girlfriends and boyfriends that lasted a bit longer.

but he never danced with them. he never showed them the music, the real jongin.

because his only partner had been kyungsoo.

.

in another life, he reassures himself one day, holding the emotions from spilling when he sees two men walking hand in hand to a coffee shop.

even from a slight distance, jongin could immediately recognize the bright smile that always made his heart sing lullabies. he saw the pale skin and shorter height.

he saw those hands he always wanted to hold, holding someone else.

he wanted to run to him. he didn’t want to stay staring like he did so long ago. he didn’t want to give up. he wanted kyungsoo. he still wanted him.

but he also saw how that same beautiful smile was directed towards the other taller man. the one with purple hair and a crooked smile. he saw how kyungsoo’s eyes were filled to the brim with feelings, with love.

he didn’t walk over to them when they began to enter the coffee shop. he didn’t walk over when he heard kyungsoo’s laughter at something the taller man had said.

he didn’t walk over, because he had no reason to.

instead, he walked away.

.

that was the last time he ever saw kyungsoo.

.

(and kyungsoo never saw him)

.

in another life, he reassured himself. perhaps in another life, those smiles will be directed to him. perhaps in another life, that hand will hold his.

perhaps in another life, they will become one with the music again.

.

at least, he continues to smile at the memories he holds dear to his heart. he continues to smile at the moon and stars. he continues to smile at the music.

.

that day, he had finally seen kyungsoo in love, just not with him.

 

.

 

it wasn't enough for him

 

.

 

but it had to be.