“a person who you were originally supposed to end up with, but due to a cause of fate or by consequences caused by you, the relationship failed. and as time goes by, you wonder what you and that person could have been, making them the one that got away.”

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underneath many piles of trash and abandoned items, lies a single wooden box that remains forgotten by all but one person.

the box itself is nothing especial. made of cheap material, with the once strong color now faded over time, the box was simple.

but it was the inside that truly matters.

.

a single letter laid hidden within the darkness of the box.

just one envelop, dirtied and crumbled, with neat handwriting on the outside. unopened.

to my only love

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as much as he tried to forget, kyungsoo could never stop remembering the boy who made his heart set aflame, who left him breathless as the music kept playing, who made him dream.

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kyungsoo had been seventeen when he met jongin for the first time.

they had been introduced to each other through a mutual friend, junmyeon, and while there had been a slight misinterpretation regarding kyungsoo’s death stare and jongin’s fear of the elder, it was all quickly fixed once they got to know each other.

they were both young, and that was perhaps the reason why everything would fall apart.

because even though they did not know it, both would change each other’s lives.

.

falling in love with jongin had been easy.

while most people would say that the attributes that made jongin unique were his physical features, with his golden skin and pretty smiles, kyungsoo would always beg to differ.

yes, he loved all of those things. but for him, jongin was unique because of his hahaha laugh. he was unique because of his inexplicable love for chicken, and for how he would somehow always destroy things without meaning too. kyungsoo found endearing how jongin would laugh at the corniest of things, and how he would pretend not to cry during movies, only to end red faced and with a stream of tears.

because everything that made jongin was unique, and just new reasons as to why kyungsoo had begun to love the younger.

because although he never admitted it, he had fallen for jongin as swiftly as the moon comes into the night sky.

but it was not meant to be.

.

kyungsoo had been in his third year in college when he met chanyeol.

they had a class together, music appreciation, and they had been paired as partners for a project.

it was cheesy the way they met, but neither could deny that it had to be one of the greatest things to happen to both of them.

of course, at first chanyeol unnerved kyungsoo a bit, since the taller had a weird smile, which showed all of his teeth and made his left eye twitch. kyungsoo grimaced slightly as he shook hands with chanyeol, but decided to just bear it and get the project over with.

and it wad during that same first day, when chanyeol entered kyungsoo’s dorm only to trip in the carpet and face plant the floor, they had become close.

well actually, it was chanyeol who got close. that guy had no barriers. kyungsoo quickly concluded that when the taller man invited himself to now sit next to kyungsoo in class, and how he now always sat at the shorter’s table during lunch if they saw each other.

kyungsoo would glare at the taller man who resembled a puppy, trying to make him go away, but the elder would never budge. and slowly, over time, day by day, the glares began to lost intensity, until they completely turned into small heart-shaped smiles and shy grins.

by the end of their third year, they called each other best friends. and by the beginning of the last year, they began to date.

unsurprisingly, it had been chanyeol that had asked kyungsoo out. the shorter sometimes would fondly remember how the taller had been stuttering and sweating, nervously swinging his hands around, saying nonsense words until he hit kyungsoo accidentally.

kyungsoo remembered how chanyeol had fallen to his knees, apologizing profusely, and only stopped when kyungsoo kneeled next to him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. kyungsoo had ended with a bruise in his arm, but both ended up with a date, and soon, with a new label.

boyfriends.

.

once upon a time, that word would have scared kyungsoo. it would have made him deny everything, and it would have made him run away.

it once did.

but he was not going to commit the same mistakes he did in the past.

he was not going to let love escape him away.

better yet, he was not going to escape love again.

.

what happened with jongin was what happened with every first love.

it was beautiful for a while. with shy glances and shared memories. it was utterly mesmerizing how they both had fallen so fast for each other.

but it all had to end.

kyungsoo made it end.

and sometimes, he would stare at the night sky, and wish to turn back time. just to see what could have happened.

just to see jongin again.

.

chanyeol and kyungsoo’s relationship was stronger than expected.

during their last year in college, they both heard each other play music for the first time. chanyeol fell deeper with kyungsoo’s delicate, but powerful voice. and kyungsoo could not look away from chanyeol’s face when his fingers played the piano, a display of multiple emotions crossing his facial expressions at once.

they kept singing and playing together, and that just made them closer than before.

two years after graduation, when they each worked now, chanyeol as a music producer and kyungsoo as a vocal coach, they decided mutually to take a new step in their relationship.

within a month, they had rented an apartment together.

soon enough, all of their stuff laid claim in various spots of the apartment, effectively marking it as their new home. kyungsoo had filled the kitchen with as many baking ingredients as he could afford, and chanyeol had taken a whole bookshelf just for all his cd’s and records.

the walls were covered with pictures and different memories. chanyeol would pin everything he found worthy in their walls. pieces of music sheets. sappy poems they tried to write to each other. pictures kyungsoo would take of chanyeol, and those rare photographs where kyungsoo would allow the other to take him just one picture. they even had the paper of the project they once did in college stamped to the wall, as a reminder that it was that assignment that brought them to this moment.

in short, they had made a home for each other.

and within chanyeol’s arms, kyungsoo forgot all about a young boy who had once held his hand in a dance studio, and taught him how to become the music.

.

chanyeol was the sun. he was the blooming of flowers and the rise of dawn. he was the early sips of coffee and the never ending stream of smiles. he was the unique laughter and soft warmth and the comfort that everyone needed and wanted.

but jongin had been the moon. he had been the silver light cascading from the skies and the stars that guide you through the path of life. he had been the night itself, appearing as a dream that often made you wonder if he was real.

and kyungsoo had always been a dreamer.

.

but life is not a dream.

it’s a puzzle meant to be solved. a game meant to be played.

and yet, kyungsoo still dreamt.

.

they had been laying on the floor of the dance studio where jongin practiced the day that it happened.

kyungsoo had his eyes closed as he felt the cold of the floor seep through his thin shirt. but he dealt with it as he listened to the music in the background, a soothing ballad with lyrics he had to memorize for an upcoming local performance with jongin.

and so he simply listened to the music, and he failed to listen when jongin sat up abruptly next to him. he didn’t hear when the younger got closer to him, and only opened his eyes when he felt the other’s breath fanning near his cheek.

he opened his eyes, and was greeted with jongin being close to him, too close. their eyes met one another, and never once moved away. they only let go of their gaze when they close them, and closed the space between them.

for those few seconds, kyungsoo was in heaven. he was in a paradise where all his dreams were full filled. he was in a utopia where he had no fears for the future, no fears for the present.

for a few seconds, everything was perfect.

but kyungsoo had to ruin it.

he was the one who broke away. he was the one who stared terrified at jongin. he was the one who hurriedly picked up his stuff. he was he one who ignored the call of “hyung” coming from the younger. he was the one who didn’t turn back to face the other, to see the pain and heartbreak littering across the dancer’s features.

he was the one who ran away.

.

the more he thinks about it, the more unsure he is.

chanyeol made music, often with the help of a guitar or a piano or his own deep voice. he made music of all forms, ballads, sonnets, raps, or simple rhythms that he always managed to change into masterpieces. because anyone could see that chanyeol was a genius, and kyungsoo would forever be grateful to get to experience this side of the taller man. but for kyungsoo, his favorite times had always been when the elder played the piano for him, staring at the younger fondly as he sang lyrics often made by chanyeol himself. it was his favorite moments in life when they sat side by side on the piano seat, one playing and one singing, but both creating something new.

but then he remembers how jongin had been music itself. how the tanned man would not hesitate to let the melodies flow through his veins, feeling every beat, every pause, every rhythm. because kyungsoo could never forget the way he always moved his body like the waves of the sea, soft, smooth, but also sharp. because jongin would always look the most beautiful when he would close his eyes, and let the music guide his every step. because for kyungsoo, he always felt euphoric when he sat behind the dancer, singing old classics while jongin let his heart be shown raw to the audience. because together, they could feel every melody. because together, they were the music itself.

.

and the thing is, he loves chanyeol. he adores the goofy man that never fails to annoy him, but make him smile nonetheless. he feels blessed every time the older shyly smiles while presenting him a song made just for kyungsoo, a secret that would remain just between the two of them. a promise to never leave. because the mornings are always the best, when he wakes up to a pair of arms around him, and slight snoring from the other. because he simply loves to see how chanyeol’s eyes always light up whenever he sits down at the kitchen (their kitchen), almost as if he’s still surprised that kyungsoo has the patience to keep making him breakfast. because having chanyeol compliment his cooking, his voice, his whole person never fails to make him blush, and to thank the heavens above for bringing this man into his life.

because honestly, it is easy to love chanyeol.

the only hard part is forgetting about the person who once made his life mean something. 

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kyungsoo doesn’t think about jongin all the time, but his presence still remains inside of his mind.

sometimes, he fondly smiles when he hears a song that he had once sang while the younger once danced. he would sometimes frown at the jar of pickles that he was about to put into the shopping cart, because he remembered how jongin hates pickles. he would sometimes see someone walking down the street, and his steps would falter, because their golden skin or skittish smiles always remind him of someone of his past.

because that is all that jongin would always be.

a fond memory. a “what if”. a thing of his past.

.

a day does not pass where kyungsoo does not think that he doesn’t deserve someone like chanyeol.

because one day, he had received a letter from the mail, a small envelop with neat handwriting on the outside. because that day, he received a letter that made him stagger slightly, lose his breath, and make tears come to his eyes.

because on the outside were four simple words. four words that made his heart ache.

to my only love

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the day he got the letter was also the day he told chanyeol the story of a boy that once made him believe in everything.

they had sat together in the kitchen table, chanyeol holding kyungsoo’s left hand while the damned letter laid in between them. he realized bitterly how this looked, as if it was a choice.

but that was when kyungsoo realized that he needed to open the messily fixed wounds to properly close them. because he realized that he needed to tell this story to let it go.

and so that day, he held the hand of his love while staring at a letter from his first love, and told everything.

.

he narrated the story of two boys, mere teenagers, that fell in love too fast.

he smiled softly when he told the memories that continued to make him smile, how those young boys would become one with the music as one danced and the other sang. he told how sometimes when he sings, he still expects jongin to just come out of nowhere and dance a breathtaking piece.

he let the tears fall when he recounted how it was his own fault that everything fell apart. how he was too much of a coward to just accept what jongin had wanted to give him. how he continued to deny his own feelings, and how he pushed the younger away. how he was scared of himself, and how one day, when it was time to go to college, he never told jongin. he simply left. ran away.

he told chanyeol how he sometimes wonders how things would have turned out to be if he had just been a bit braver, if he had just accepted the life in front of it, and simply lived it. not run away from it.

he told chanyeol the story about the one that got away.

.

and chanyeol never once let go of his hand.

.

“do you love me?”

“yes. i always have. and i always will.”

“that’s all i need.”

.

when those words were spoken, a letter laid forgotten on top of a table.

.

when he finished, chanyeol stood up from his chair rather rapidly, startling kyungsoo slight.

he thought that maybe the elder would just walk away from him, or that he would be disgusted of how kyungsoo never seemed to let go of a boy from his past. but he had nothing to fear.

because chanyeol simply walked around the table, and gathered kyungsoo into a soft embrace. a hug that kyungsoo could easily pull away from if he wished so.

and kyungsoo realized then, that chanyeol was giving him the choice.

he looked back at the table where the letter laid, and suddenly, jongin’s face appeared in his mind. an old memory where the dancer had been laughing at something kyungsoo had done, and how his eyes were tinkling like stars, and how his mouth was set into the sweetest smile possible.

and he still felt chanyeol’s arms around him, waiting. he felt chanyeol’s heat surrounding him, and he could almost hear the taller’s heartbeat from the quiet all around. and that was when he realized that he needed music, but he needed to make it along with the man in front of him. he needed chanyeol’s spontaneousness and loud laughs and constant presence. he needed chanyeol’s songs and cute pouts and honest opinions.

he needed chanyeol.

.

he had never hugged someone as tight as he hugged chanyeol in that moment.

and when he felt chanyeol’s shoulders sag slightly from relief, he smiled. he had chosen right.

because how could he ever leave the love he had right now, for a love that now belonged to the past?

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kyungsoo never opened the letter. he didnt need to. because he had all the love he needed in between his arms, in the form of a fellow musician that was much taller than him, much kinder, and way more than what kyungsoo deserved.

and he didn’t need to hesitate to say that chanyeol was all kyungsoo needed.

.

(but was he what he wanted?)

.

he would never receive an answer to the question that sometimes haunted him, because that day, he buried the letter with many other things of his past in a small closet that they rarely opened. forever closed.

.

and kyungsoo would never see what was inside that letter. he would never see those dances, or hear those laughs. he would never see jongin again.

but as long as chanyeol held his hand, as long as they continued to sit side by side on a piano, making music, as long as the taller could continue to hold him, as long as they continue to enjoy life together, as long as they got to make new memories together to put on their walls, that would be enough.

.

it was in that moment that he realized how chanyeol was his everything. and that was the moment were kyungsoo finally let go.

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he let jongin get away.

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fin