it's been a while i know. please read chapter notes! Hope yall enjoy this!

jennie once read a book jisoo had given her for her 20th birthday, she doesn't remember much about it now, but a line had always struck her, something about blood and poetry and how it wasn't poetic, just red. she doesn't know why she's thinking about that now but her internal analysis was making her more sick then ever.

god she wishes her head would stop pounding. 

"whats with the face?" her mom says, face hidden by the vogue magazine she was reading. she hasn't put it down since she picked it up 20 minutes ago, jennie thinks its because she doesnt want her to see her only daughter struggling with a weird disease. none of her mom's friends had daughters who coughed up flowers, that she was sure of. 

"what face?"

"its like you ate a lemon, or your dad's cooking."

"head's hurting."

at this she lowers the magazine a bit, just enough for jennie to see her eyes. 

"well, would be weird if it didn't, you've been vomiting blood for 2 hours."

she sits up, tries to look at anything but her mom's inquisitive eyes. the same catlike eyes she had inherited. 

"i was working on it.. this. this sickness or whatever i just.. i didn't expect for it to turn this bad."

mrs. kim pinches the bridge of her nose and if jennie had been 9 she would have hid underneath the thin white hospital covers in fear of getting caught in another one of her mom's famous scoldings.

"jennie remember what i told you? tell me if something is wrong so we can fix it immediately. i don't want to be interrupted mid-meeting only to find out you're at a hospital in critical condition."

"im not in critical condition."

her mom lets out an irritated sigh, puts the magazine down on her lap so jennie can see her completely. 

"your doctor says that if you dont get surgery within this week, those thorns could grow in your lungs and-" she closes her eyes, breathes deeply before opening them again.  "-just get the surgery, please."

mrs kim grabs the chanel handbag on the table next to jennie's bed and holds it with one arm. 

"im gonna get you some food downstairs." her mom's halfway to the door when jennie says, 

"you're not gonna ask me how i got it?"

she stops, turns her head a bit to the side and looks at jennie from the corner of her eyes.

"i think i have an idea."

she's never been good at decoding things.

***

when lisa walks in the room, eyebags prominent, hair sticking out in different places, she almost throws up. not from the thrill of seeing her, but because of the anxiety.  she wasn't ready, doesn't think she'll ever be ready to have this conversation with her. the thai girl looks horrible and jennie knows she's the reason behind it. 

behind her, jisoo and chaeyoung walk slowly. she doesn't want to face them either. 

"we were so worried." lisa's the first to get to her bed, doe eyes wider than usual as she tucks the baby hairs on jennie's face behind her ear, the heart monitor chimes faster beside her but lisa doesn't notice. 

"im sorry." jennie glances at jisoo, the older girl almost looks angry. almost. jennie says it again, only looking directly at the eldest girl this time. "im sorry."

"jennie kim you're so ing stupid."

jisoo flicks her on the forehead and it feels like an ant bite. not one of those innocent black ant bites though, it defninitely felt like one of the red ones. 

"ouch? im sick perhaps?

"never scare me like that again." jisoo has her arms crossed over her chest and she looks like she's about to give her a long lecture when she suddenly opens her arms and enguls jennie into a tight hug. 

"never ing scare me like that again, loser."

had it not been for her 2 other bandmates who looked like they were about to cry themselves, jennie would have full on sobbed, but she needed to be strong today. if she starts crying now she'd never be able to stop. 

jisoo lets go and chaeyoung immediately takes her place, hugging the girl just as tightly as jisoo had. lisa hasnt left her side the entire time and watches the interaction silently. 

"we heard about your hanahaki, you never told us." 

chaeyoung looks so innocent, so naive to everything that's been happening to her. 

"its not something i want to bother you guys with."

"well we're bothered." 

"how, why, when."  lisa steps closer now, leaning her side against the railings of jennie's bed. she knows that if she could, lisa would jump in and cuddle beside her. 

"its.. its complicated."

"we deserve to know unnie. jisoo unnie obviously knows something already, you owe it to me and lisa." 

jennie looks at the eldest girl, jisoo nods her head.

"i like someone. they dont like me back. thats it."

the younger girls glance at each other unsurely.

"yeah we know, but who?"

jennie's heart monitor spikes up again and this time jisoo is smart enough to cover the thing with her hands. 

"thats the big question isnt it?" jennie chuckles awkwardly and the tension in the room is so thick she could could it with a knife. lisa's sitting on her bed now, leaning against her hands as she patiently waits for jennie to say something. 

"does it matter?"

"duh. you're the jennie kim, what kind of guy wouldn't go for you?"

she really wants to throw up now. partly because of the anxiety, partly because of how close lisa was starting to lean towards her. 

jisoo puts an arm around lisa's neck and gently pulls her away from the bed, the maknae stumbles backward. 

"lis, go with me to the canteen please, im so hungry."

"let go, i want to hear this."

jennie gives her a tight-lipped smile. she knows what she's trying to do and as always she's grateful for it. 

"you can hear it after i buy my chips." 

lisa looks like she's about to protest when jisoo pulls her forcibly by the arm and heads out the door, the thai looks sorry as she lets herself be dragged out and yells something about jennie retelling the story when she gets back.

"you asked what kind of guy wouldn't go for me."

chaeyoung, who was distracted by lisa and jisoo leaving, looks at jennie in confusion. "what?"

"you asked what kind of guy wouldn't go for me." she repeats. "-well, it isn't a guy."

chaeyoung blinks once. twice. doesn't say anything else to make sure she heard it correctly. jennie's hands are shaking from under the covers but she tries to control it. she has to do this, she owes her the truth.

"what?"

"i... i don't like a guy."

chaeyoung's eyes go wide, face switching from a look of shock to a look of realization in a second. 

"it's lisa."

jennie looks away. she doesn't want to see whatever look chaeyoung was giving her. it would be almost too much to bear. 

"unnie.. it's okay. a little unexpected, but i cant say im suprised." chaeyoung takes her hand. jennie  almost cries. 

"how long?"

"too long."
 

chaeyoug squeezes her hand tighter. "and what are you going to do about it."

ah there it was. the ultimate question to a seemingly simple problem. what the hell was she going to do now. she had thought about it and knowing her family, they would push her to get the surgery despite what she wanted. but.

but what about her feelings? what about lisa? all those emotions she had bottled up just evaporating into thin air, she didn't want that. call her a masochist for not willing to give up something that was literally killing her but jennie