“I like you.” Those words still rang on his mind, haunting him with the image of burnt and tired eyes resisting to break into tears. He could still hear the stifled cries during his hiding beside the wall that lead to the staircase. It was a mistake to stay and take a peek on the boy’s state. It made his heart shatter to see the once cheerful and reliable person look so defeated and broken. As much as he wanted to go and hug the boy, his body just completely froze.

“Earth to Minhyuk. Hello? Are you listening?” completely zoned off, the voice that called him shocked him and brought him back to reality.

“Huh? What?” Minhyuk replied to Bin who had been talking for the past twenty minutes or so. Two months had already passed since Sanha had confessed to him. The days felt much more colder as the winds carried the lowing temperature of Seoul, transitioning seasons of falling leaves into lifeless trees. Both of them were in the university’s cafeteria as there was time in between their previous and next classes.

“I said the others wanted to do basketball practices this weekend. You going or what?” Minhyuk wasn’t all interested and just nodded as a response to Bin. Bin continued to talk about whatever and Minhyuk halfheartedly listened while playing with his half eaten food. Although he tried his best to really listen to what was being spoken, his mind was going off to another place. Minhyuk just sighed as he recalled the scene all over again in his head.

*

Deciding whether you should follow what your heart or mind was hard. Although his heart screamed the very name of the person he missed and wanted to see the most, his mind said otherwise and kept the thought of giving time for the other to recover. He basked all day on whether he should go to him or let him be. But he wasn’t the one to have a say on the matter.

He was glad that he had a subject where they were enrolled together, although the other wasn’t really showing up to the class anymore. Despite this being the case, Minhyuk still hoped that maybe the boy would attend the class every time. And luckily, one day he did.

Sanha looked so pale and lifeless. Minhyuk felt guilty but at the same time felt relieved to see him. He was about to wave to him to signal that the seat next to him wasn’t taken but Sanha didn’t even bothered to bat his eyes onto him and just sat on a random unoccupied seat.

It was stupid of him to think that everything would magically be the same again after the passage of some time. It was foolish, he knew, but he was desperately missing the other so much. How much it affected him on the other’s absence he had never been able to fathom. All he could think about was how he regretted how he acted that day. But even if some omnipotent being gave him a second chance, he wasn’t really sure what he would’ve done better to change this outcome. He wasn’t even sure what was wrong with him and why he cared so much. He kept engraving in his mind that it was because he didn’t want to lose a dear friend. But, no matter how much convincing he did to himself, his heart told a different story.

For the rest of the day, he stared into nothingness and let the mess that is his emotions speak in different tones in his mind and heart.

*

“Sorry I’m late,” Bin said as he hurriedly fixed his bag onto the bench. They were in one of the cafes near the university campus. A small room colored in light grey paint and encapsulated a few light mahogany tables, complimentary chairs and benches, and various decor of pastel paintings and vintage items which gave the whole place a retro vibe to it, complimenting with the smell of brewed coffee. Bin had texted Minhyuk out of the blue to go and have coffee with him, to which Minhyuk agreed to as he had nothing better to do.

“It’s ok. I just arrived myself. But I did order ahead. Hope you don’t mind.” Minhyuk waited for the other to respond and Bin signalled that he was ok with it. Three seconds later, Minhyuk’s name was called by the barista. He stood up and took their orders. He gave one to Bin after sitting back to where he had once sat. Bin took a sip and made a puckered expression.

‘What? You don’t like it?” Minhyuk said, shocked at his initial reaction to the taste of the coffee.

“Ok Minhyuk. We really need to talk,” Bin started, ignoring Minhyuk’s question.

‘What about?” Minhyuk asked cluelessly as he sipped his hot cappuccino.

“About this,” Bin said circling his fingers on Minhyuk. Minhyuk raised one of his eyebrows in confusion. He didn’t know what Bin was talking about and he wasn’t sure if he should take offense on it or not but he decided to do the latter.

“Minhyuk. You need to wake up,” Bin said. Minhyuk, getting quite annoyed and confused, responded, “I’m wide awake thanks to this cappuccino.” Bin sighed and looked at him with disappointment.

“Minhyuk. Do I really need to tell you before you realize it yourself?” Minhyuk only looked at him with more confusion, now both eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinting. Bin sighed in disappointment again.

“Minhyuk. You like Sanha, don’t you?” At the statement, Minhyuk was taken aback and almost choked on the cappuccino he had drank. Hearing that name was enough to make his heart flutter and hurt at the same time. That came out of nowhere.

“Where’d you get that idea?” Minhyuk laughed fakingly though it was very obvious. He continued to take sips on his cup, trying to hide his nervousness which he didn’t know why he had suddenly felt.

“Eunwoo told me everything,” Bin said simply. Minhyuk became agitated and asked cautiously, “what did he tell you?”

“He told me Sanha had been crying all week and had no appetite to eat. He also hasn’t been attending some of his classes. He’d basically locked himself in his apartment but luckily Myungjun was able to talk him out one day.” With every words being told, it struck his heart strings and made him hate himself for the thing that he had done. Why are you torturing yourself? You should eat and take care of your health. Ugh I’m such a idiot.

“Eunwoo also told me the reason to all of this.” Bin looked at Minhyuk sternly. It only added to the guilt he had been carrying on his chest for the past few days.

“Why’d you do it Minhyuk? Why did you reject him?” Although Bin’s voice was calm and low, there was power and force to it that made Minhyuk queasy. He didn’t know what to answer and the small silence that followed felt deafening and prolonged. Something in himself surged. He didn’t know why he was suddenly enraged but he felt like he was being cornered and ganged for doing something wrong even though only Bin was there.

“Maybe because I don’t like him Bin? Maybe because I’ve always liked you Bin and I have waited, for God knows how long, a very long time for you to look at my way?”  Words started to flow out of him without control. He didn’t mean to tell all these but it was too late to stop himself.

“No. You don’t Minhyuk,” Bin rejected. “Or not anymore, at least.”

‘How do you know? You’ve always been busy looking at others when I was always by your side for the longest time, patiently waiting for you to look at me,” his voice uncontrollably getting louder as he felt that his heart was not being understood. It was a good thing that the cafe was quite noisy so the people didn’t really noticed.

“Yes, you have. And I will always be grateful for those times. But Minhyuk, it was never love that you felt. You were just comfortable around me. Have you ever asked yourself why you never once tried to confess to me?” It did make Minhyuk wonder why he’d never done so. The sudden rage that fueled his blood was now slowly calming.

“It was because you never wanted to go beyond what our friendship already had. You never wanted to be with me romantically. You’re just afraid I’ll leave all on your own one day without notice, which I will never do Minhyuk,” Bin continued.

“Haven’t you noticed how much you love Sanha? Your smile had always been wider and brighter when both of you are together. You’ve become more talkative and all you could talk about after our basketball practices and classes is how you wanted to go to Sanha and do the stupidest things with him. You, who didn’t care about your class standing, started to work harder academically because you wanted to spend more time with him and impress him. And even today, unconsciously ordering caramel macchiato for me, which is Sanha’s favourite drink.” All the confusion within his mind and heart for the past days slowly unclouded as Bin continued to state his obvious.

“Do I need to say more?” Bin questioned. Minhyuk, dumbfounded at his foolishness to not notice and recognize his own feelings, only shook his head no.

“I… thank you Binnie,” was the only thing Minhyuk could say. Everything was crystal clear now. He was able to hear his heart audibly and loudly now. It screamed the presence of his tall and cute boy. He felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders and it didn’t felt suffocating anymore. But despite the realizations, there was still melancholy in Minhyuk’s eyes.

“What is it now?” Bin asked, quite tired of Minhyuk’s hesitations.

“I… he hates me now. It’s too late,” Minhyuk replied, unable to mask his sadness over those words. Bin only rolled his eyes.

“He doesn’t. You’re both idiots,” Bin said, disbelieved at how Minhyuk was acting. Bin took his backpack and rummaged through his things. Minhyuk only observed the other without question, though it did confuse him what the other was doing. After a while of searching, he pulled a small object from one of the pockets inside his bag.

“Here,” Bin gave the object to Minhyuk. A flashdrive?

“What’s this?” Minhyuk questioned.

“Just listen to it when you go home,” Bin replied. He was now fixing his bag and stood up. Minhyuk, perplexed, asked the other, “Where are you going?”

“Home. That was all I wanted to say to you,” Bin started to exit from his chair and went to the other to rub his shoulders and then punched it with a little force. “Fix your sht Park Minhyuk. Everyone’s rooting for you. Go get your Sanha back. Fighting!” Bin comforted the other. Minhyuk only smiled at him until he exited the cafe, admiring and thanking him for helping and clearing his mind. As expected of his best friend, he always had his back. Thank you Binnie.

*

As he twisted the doorknob to reveal his apartment, he briskly removed his shoes by kicking them off and wandered around his bedroom to find his laptop. As soon as he spotted it on his bedroom table, he quickly set it up and turned it on. It took a few minutes due to an internal software update and Minhyuk grew impatient with every second. He rammed his fingers to the keyboard in a fast pace to type in his password once the update was done. He swiftly inserted the flash drive into the usb port. He didn’t know why he suddenly grew nervous about what it contained. His heart started to pound a little faster than normal.

The screen displayed the contents of the flash drive. Two music files. Pointing the mouse into the first music file which was titled Because I’m A Fool, Minhyuk quickly reached for the earphones placed near the table and plugged it in.

Oh… This is the one he sang that day. Minhyuk closed his eyes as he took every word sang inside him. That day replayed on his head. But this time, he was able to make up what the song was meaning to convey. His face was clear and within reach. Minhyuk was able to see it now; how he sang every word so beautifully but cautiously as though he was afraid it would break into nothing, how he looked so nervous and vulnerable yet strong and resolved, and most of all, how he stared into him and only him as he continued in trying to say the words his heart had been anxiously hiding.

*

Tears come rolling down Minhyuk’s face as the song gradually fades. He felt so stupid for not being able to realize it earlier. He treasured every moment with him; from the ecstatic and bright mornings to the quiet and gloomy nights. He remembered it all; how he found the boy really cute and charming, how peaceful and beautiful he looked while he slept on his shoulder that bus ride home, how the boy would look at him with loving eyes when Minhyuk did something stupid, how mesmerizing his smile and laugh was and how it filled Minhyuk whenever he did. Everything about him was now embedded in Minhyuk that he couldn’t ever imagine a world without him.

Now that his emotions was sorted out, it was loud and clear what Minhyuk was supposed and wanted to do. Feeling vitalized, Minhyuk thought of how he could win him back.

This time, I’ll make this right. This time, I’ll run to you.

*

Cold winds blew through the dead grass and trees of Han River. The once lively and luscious surroundings now carried a beauty of withering. Both of them stared into the rich blue waters of the sea, one feeling on thin edge while the other looking gloomy, as they both sat on a bench. Minhyuk opened his mouth only to have no words fall out of them. So, he just closed it. Why is it so hard to form words? Minhyuk asked himself internally.

A while back, Minhyuk asked - more like begged - Eunwoo and Myungjun onced he saw them on campus to help him talk to Sanha. Both Myungjun and Eunwoo looked at each other skeptically. In the end, with Minhyuk’s annoying perseverance, he was able to convinced them. And so he told the two his plan. Once the two heard it, they seemed excited and so on board with him that they immediately texted Sanha, asking him if he was busy at a certain date. And now, the whole thing is in play.

“Sanha...” He wasn’t sure if he was heard as his voice came out faintly. His heart was beating in a fast pace which didn’t help with the nervousness he was feeling. It seemed like the other didn’t hear it as he only continued to stare into the body of water. Or maybe he did and he just ignored it. Minhyuk sighed. He didn’t know what to do and it was stressing him out. Sanha was right there beside him yet he couldn't put into words all the things he wanted to say.

Not wanting to feel frustrated any more, Minhyuk tried his best to calm down. He closed his eyes and started to hum. After what felt like a minute of humming, he felt much more relaxed. Once he opened his, he was shocked to see the other looking at him with surprise.

“What?” Minhyuk asked cautiously while also blinking a few times.

“Nothing,” Sanha replied. Sanha stood up and started to walk around the fields of grass. Minhyuk followed suit and stayed behind him. Minhyuk continually tried to form words while following him from behind but to no avail. Getting disappointed in himself and discouraged, he thought of a new way and enacted it quickly.

“Minhyuk?” Sanha’s voice came out softly and weakly. Minhyuk had run to him and embraced him at the back, causing Sanha to stop on his tracks. Minhyuk leaned his head to the other’s back. His heart started to pound even more violently than before. It felt loud, hearing the sound of his fast heartbeat, but he realized that it wasn’t only his that was what he was hearing. He tightened his embrace to make them closer. Instead of replying, Minhyuk started singing.

Why didn’t I realize then?

I must’ve been crazy for not recognizing you

This world without you

It’s an unimaginable nightmare to me

I hope for everything that you want

My love

Everything is for you

My world

Everything that you hope for

I try only for you

My love for you

He could feel his heartbeat stronger now. This was it. This was what Sanha had always wanted to tell him. This was the song that he was suppose to sing but didn’t. This was the other song on the flash drive that contained his true feelings for him. And now, Minhyuk was singing it to him, trying to tell him the same message he wanted to communicate. He drew every emotion he put into the words.

You’re my only

You’re so lovely

They can’t be concealed

You pretend to be unaware of my feelings

You just need to smile baby

Come a little closer

So that you can tell me

There’s no need to hesitate

Minhyuk was taken aback when Sanha started to sing along, but he continued to sing, now matching his voice.

Baby always I will miss you

I can’t express it

All day and everyday

I want to hug you

I can’t hold it in even for a day

I want to have you so bad

I’ll confess to you now

Stay by my side

As they finish singing the song, Minhyuk added his own words into his beautiful masterpiece, conveying the feelings he had realized a few days back.

Just stay with me

Your vivid gaze when we first met

I can’t forget it

Stay with me

He repeated the words for a second time softly as his voice gradually lowers in volume. By the time it ended, his emotions took hold of him and made him teary eyed. Sanha was about to break Minhyuk’s embrace and turn to him but Minhyuk only hugged him tighter. “Minhyuk?”

“Please don’t turn around. I don’t like anyone seeing me crying,” Minhyuk told him. He could feel Sanha’s body move as he silently chuckled.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I made you cry.” Uncontrollable tears came running down causing Sanha’s clothes to get soakd in his tears. “I’m sorry for not looking at you properly and not being by your side. I’m such an idiot. Can you forgive me?”

Sanha removed Minhyuk’s embrace and lifted his head to see a crying Minhyuk. Sanha smiled at him and wiped his tears. Both of their eyes met. Sanha laughed and knocked the top of Minhyuk’s head.

“That’s for rejecting me Park Minhyuk,” Sanha smiled. “And I forgive you.”

In a moment, Sanha looked away and Minhyuk did too, out of curiosity. The lifeless and quiet night sky started to rain snow. It was beautiful, especially how Sanha’s face lit up at the sight of snow. Though it were only seconds, Minhyuk took it all in his head and engraved the beautiful sight.

“Falling in love with me?” Sanha jokingly said when noticed Minhyuk staring at him. It backfired when Minhyuk responded, “yeah. You look so beautiful.” It made Sanha red. And if it wasn’t enough, Minhyuk said the words that he’d been wanting to tell the other for a while now.

“I love you Sanha,” Minhyuk said, looking into his eyes and trying not to mind the burning sensation he was feeling on his cheeks and ears. Sanha turned away from him and started to take small steps away from him. “Hey! Where are you going?”

Sanha faced him after he got a good distance away from Minhyuk and said, “I can’t take this. This is too embarrassing even if no one’s watching.” Minhyuk laughed and hugged - more of tackled - Sanha so that they were lying on the fields, laughing and looking like madmen. After the laughter fades into silence, Sanha looked at Minhyuk and smiled.

“I love you too.”

Minhyuk felt like the world finally opened up to him. He felt so happy and blissful. He kissed the other’s nose. Sanha giggled and playfully slapped him, feeling very embarrassed even though no one was watching. And for a remainder of time, they both stayed there; lying on the ground embracing each other as the first snow of winter fall toward the new start of their story.