As if his fate and the universe conspired in one night, Sanha laid restless due to being an emotional mess. He could not help but be awkward toward Minhyuk, as all Minhyuk did made the butterflies in his tummy dance around in joy. He could not even look at Minhyuk for a solid five seconds without his cheeks or ears burning up. Talking also proved to be a difficult task as his words were always lost halfway in the conversation through his stutters. All he could do was force a convincing smile and pray that Minhyuk didn’t notice. It was a good thing that majority of the classes he took up, Minhyuk was not in it .

Daydreaming all day of his knight in shining armor, Sanha’s blissful reverie was interrupted when his seatmate, Eunwoo, snapped him out of his little world.

“Have you done the song writing project? It’s due in less than two months,” Eunwoo whispered as to not get the attention of their professor.

“I have but it’s not done yet. How ‘bout you?” Sanha replied.

“Same as you. I heard from our upperclassmen that our department’s dean plan to make all the class perform in the auditorium and students from other classes can watch if they wanted to.”

“Oh ok. What’s the big deal?” Sanha asked.

“Oh? You’re not scared of performing and being judged by, I don’t know, a large portion of the performing arts department?” Eunwoo said, a hint of fear in his tone.

“It’s gonna be fine, worry granny Eunwoo-y. It’ll probably just be like singing karaoke with a lot of people watching. And besides, all that matters is that I’m better than you and your singing,” Sanha sassily retorted and laughed silently.

“You little piece of sh-”

“Ehem,” Eunwoo was cut off when their professor had spoken and all the attention of the class was on both of them, as he said those last words a little to loudly. The both of them apologized for their disturbance and the class continued. Though after all eyes had diverted from them, Eunwoo kicked Sanha under the table, getting his revenge at the other’s teasing.

*

Saying that he wasn’t scared previously was a different story to what he was now. Suddenly having feelings of anxiety rush through him, Sanha focused his days on composing his song. Up until his last class with Eunwoo that day, he was able to think of ways to improve the foreign misplaced chords into smoother ones. But one problem had hindered him from the very start; the lyrics. Sanha didn’t know why but as hard as he could, thinking of lyrics that would fit perfectly to the song never came up. He knew the feelings he wanted the song to convey yet he couldn’t verbalize them into beautiful words.

He would continuously write a jumble of words he would like to use in his song but only to crumple it up and throw it blindly to the trash bin after. He thought that maybe it was just a lack of inspiration and so he went everywhere and anywhere that some considered areas which emit inspiration and sit there to write some random phrases and thoughts. It proved to be unsuccessful as all it did was diminish his writing pad. And for the remainder of the month’s days, he would repeat this little unfruitful routine.

Why is this so hard? Ugh.

*

Getting tired and frustrated of thinking of his song composition project, Sanha took a break from his messy workplace filled with crumbled papers scattered across the floor and couch. He took a deep breathe before lying on his couch and stretching his arms and legs. It was a Saturday, which meant that he was less than four weeks closer to the presentation of his work. Thinking about it stressed Sanha out. Trying his best not to frustrate himself more, he diverted his thoughts on anything. And as if his mind lit up a light bulb, Sanha reached for his phone immediately.

“Ya! You doing anything today? Wanna come over my place?”

- Yoon Sanha

Sanha had his hands full with the song composition project that he didn’t really hang out with Minhyuk as often as they did before. It was also another thing that it wasn’t a Friday, which meant no classes wherein they would see each other. Sanha suddenly missed Minhyuk.

Five minutes passed and Sanha was still staring at his phone for a reply. He typed another set of words in hopes that the other would respond.

“Or we could talk? I don’t know. I’m bored.”

- Yoon Sanha

He tried to put his phone down for a second and give the guy the benefit of the doubt as Minhyuk may be sleeping or doing something important. But he immediately picked it up just to disappoint himself that there was no new notifications. Fifteen minutes had passed and Sanha was still intently waiting for a reply. Then fifteen minutes turned into thirty. It was an hour in when Sanha didn’t notice that he started to doze off, still his phone in his hands.

By the time Sanha woke up, it was already time for dinner. The first thing he did when he woke up, of course, was to check his phone. Still no reply. Sanha was saddened by the lack of response and just decided to get something to eat outside, leaving his phone out of spite.

*

“Settle down everyone,” the professor told the students.

Majority of the students of the class were causing a loud commotion as the professor presented to them that their song writing project was to be performed with not just their class but with others too. Frankly, Sanha did not really care. All his anxieties on performing his song in front of a live audience had died down already. What he cared about and what ran through his mind was Minhyuk and how he saw him less those days.

A few days had passed by since Saturday and the only text he got from Minhyuk was “What do you want to talk about? Sorry, I was kinda busy” on Sunday evening and he never heard from him again. Sanha didn’t have the energy then, and now, to reply. Sanha couldn’t pinpoint what he felt. He missed the boy but he was also mad at him for not replying. He knew it was petty but knowing it was didn’t help him stop feeling it nonetheless.

“That’ll be all. You can go now. Don’t forget to turn your final drafts a week before the performance date” Sanha was far off the ground that when the class responded in unison, he was startled and was awoken from his thoughts. As he snapped out of his reveries, he saw that majority of the students are already picking up their things and leaving class. Myungjun approached him and told him to get up already as they have to get to their next class. He did so but not before saying something under his breath and sighing.

I miss Minhyuk.

*

Producing no real results with his song writing, Sanha decided to go watch the basketball practice match with Eunwoo on Friday afternoon. Since both Bin and Minhyuk are varsity players of the university’s basketball team, Eunwoo was easily persuaded to go with Sanha.

They sat on the middle row of the faded blue bleachers facing the teams who were getting ready to start playing. The basketball team was notoriously popular to freshmen students as all of the members of the team were good looking and so, the bleachers were halfway full even though it wasn’t a real match.

Before the game started, Bin was able to catch sight of Eunwoo and Sanha from afar. Bin started waving to their direction and Eunwoo, who was feeling giddy and slapping Sanha, waved back. Minhyuk, who was beside BIn the whole time, only saw them after and looked at Eunwoo and rolled his eyes. His eyes went to Sanha and Minhyuk smiled coolly and waved to him. Not knowing what to do or why his cheeks was burning up, Sanha diverted his eyes. Minhyuk found it weird and furrowed his eyebrows but couldn’t question it any longer as the team captain instructed all of the players to start the game.

With the game on play, the audience got hyped up and would scream whenever their favourite player would score a point. Eunwoo was one of the loudest; shouting and cheering for Bin whenever he would successfully shoot and dunk, while also being annoying and scolding whenever someone hit Bin unintentionally. Bin didn’t seem to mind. In fact, if Sanha truly put a finger on it, Bin actually liked Eunwoo’s cheering.

Being a contrast to how Eunwoo acted, Sanha was quiet and observant. At the first half of the game, his focus was on Minhyuk. When Minhyuk scored some points, Sanha would have butterflies in his stomach and would feel very proud of Minhyuk. Sanha would blush and feel shy at thinking how hot the guy looked as he ran around the court with sweat.

Although Sanha was enjoying the sight in the first half, it didn’t quite turn out as fun when it was on the last half. Through the game, Sanha noticed how truly close Bin and Minhyuk are. They didn’t need to talk orally to communicate how they would position themselves and pass or shoot the ball. The both of them would also high-five each other when one of them scored and would give physical encouragement like touching one’s shoulder. It made Sanha be on a weird, unpleasant mood. He couldn’t watch the match any longer. It made him uncomfortable for some reason.

“Where are you going?” Eunwoo said as Sanha stood up from his sitting.

“Going home. I need to finish my song,” Sanha replied as an excuse.

“You’re not gonna watch till the end? It’s ending soon,” Eunwoo said but Sanha did not reply back and just started walking away from the basketball court. It was very unusual of him to be like this but Eunwoo was too engrossed to the game that Eunwoo didn’t followed him.

What is this feeling?

*

No. This can’t be happening. I’m just mistaking myself. This isn’t what it is.

Four days had already passed since the whole walk away scene Sanha did. Apparently after the game, Minhyuk was looking for Sanha when Eunwoo went to them and not even Eunwoo could tell him where he truly went. Minhyuk also flooded his notifications and text messages in the passed days, asking what’s wrong and if he did something wrong and if he wanted to hangout on a particular day.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Sanha was now in the library, hiding himself with piles of books arranged like a fort to cover his face. He needed some type of peace and quiet so he decided to make the library as his sanctuary. Today, he skipped English 101 just to avoid seeing Minhyuk. He didn’t have the guts to see him. Sanha felt stupid for getting jealous of his interactions with Bin and how they both looked good with each other. He also didn’t want to see Bin. It wasn’t because he was mad or anything; it was that he felt ashamed for getting jealous and destesting the other for such a petty reason.

It was about five in the afternoon when Sanha left the library in a cautious manner, trying his best not to encounter any of the people he was avoiding. He hung his head low, avoiding possible eye contact if ever he saw any one of them. It resulted to him bumping the glass door of the building as he exited. He winced in pain for a second and lifted his head to now see his directions properly. Much to his surprise, as he pulled one of the glass doors, he caught sight of Minhyuk outside. He retracted his steps and was about to resort to hiding inside again but Minhyuk caught sight of him and grabbed his hand.

“Hey! Where have you been? Why weren’t you in class?” Minhyuk bombarded the former. Sanha couldn’t think of an answer. He was too focused on the hand that held his, making his mind go blank and his heart swell. He tried his best to form words but all that came out was “I didn’t feel like it” which was partly true.

“Wow. Yoon Sanha, the cutest guy on campus, being all bad and rebellious,” Minhyuk jabbed. Sanha felt his face flush and so he playfully slapped Minhyuk. Minhyuk only laughed, still holding Sanha’s hand.

“Come on my rebellious cutie. We’re going to be late,” Minhyuk stated as he started speed walking while dragging Sanha.

“Wait. Where are we going?” Sanha questioned, taking his attention away from their interlocked hands for a second.

“To the cinemas for a date,” Minhyuk said and winked before continuing to speed walk his way out of the campus. Sanha’s mind went blank again but his heart started to race faster now.

Date?

*

On the way to the cinemas, all Sanha could think was the last word that came out of Minhyuk’s mouth. It circled around his thoughts and made him feel things. He became nervous. His knees felt weak and wobbly all of a sudden. His heart jumped up and down and felt like it was ready to jump out of his body. He tried his best to make a poker face even though he knew he looked weird as his cheeks showed a pinkish shade. Sanha thanked the gods as Minhyuk was too occupied texting someone to notice the human mess beside him.

They arrived in the cinemas twenty minutes before the movie. Apparently, Minhyuk had bought the movie tickets in advance that day through his phone and so they proceeded to buy some popcorn and snacks. On the counter, Minhyuk ordered three large popcorns and three colas, which Sanha found odd but didn’t really question any further when Minhyuk offered to pay. Sanha thought; Maybe he was just hungry? but Sanha couldn’t really form coherent words to be able to question the boy anyway so he just helped in carrying the food. Sanha was still too occupied in his mind of what was happening and if it was just a dream because it felt really surreal.

“Over here! What took you so long?” Sanha snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Minhyuk call someone from afar. He concentrated to the figures which oddly looked familiar. Much to his surprise, he recognized them right away when they were walking much closer to them. Eunwoo and Bin? What are they doing here?

*

Looks like Minhyuk forgot to mention to Sanha that it was a double date. But Minhyuk did have an ulterior motive with this unexpected meeting. Minhyuk learned from the past days that apparently Eunwoo and Bin aren’t really together and they were still dating and that the two are in a complicated status right now. Thinking it was his last chance to bag his friend back to him and end his unrequited love for Bin, Minhyuk had been doing his best to flirt with Bin and make him look his way. Minhyuk said this all to Sanha when he dragged him five minutes before the movie to the bathroom to tell his plans.

Sanha didn’t really know how to react. His stomach suddenly felt queasy and his entire being felt somewhat weak. But it was a different feeling from what he had felt from back when Minhyuk held his hand. A weird feeling swirling and churning his organs making him somewhat in a nauseous state. His heart beat felt flat and the white walls of the public bathroom felt like it was closing in on him. His heart felt disappointed and he felt like crying but he snapped out of it when Minhyuk asked if he was up for the plan, to which he tried his best to mask his emotions through a fake and convincing smile and nodded.

*

It felt like an eternity for the day to end. During the movie, they occupied the far right row which had four seats in the arrangement of Sanha on the seat near the wall, Eunwoo on the seat closest to the stairs, Bin beside Eunwoo, and Minhyuk perfectly seated beside Sanha and Bin. It was Minhyuk’s initial phase of the plan. Even the purchase of three popcorn was a part of his plan as Minhyuk and Bin shared on one popcorn and Eunwoo and Sanha getting each of their own.

The movie seemed to be very entertaining as all of the audience, including the three, would laugh at some parts of it. But Sanha couldn’t really focus on the movie. He was too distracted at Minhyuk’s cheap moves to Bin, who was oblivious and had his attention to the movie. He would look at Minhyuk “accidentally” brushing hands with Bin as they both take a piece of popcorn, moving slightly closer to Bin’s side and whispering things he couldn’t hear. He couldn’t bare to watch what was happening but somehow, he couldn’t stop staring at them. His stomach still felt queasy and the darkness that the cinema theater offered made things worse. His mind drifted off to a place of self doubt, of self deprecation, of envy, of shame, of indignation and of dejection. It filled his whole being and drowned him. Not noticing, a tear escaped his eyes. It was a good thing that the ending to the movie was tearjerking as almost all of them had their eyes quite puffy from sobbing, enabling Sanha to mask his with theirs.

He didn’t really know why he decided to stay instead of running away when the opportunity showed itself to him. Minhyuk’s plan was still in operation and proving to be quite successful so far. The group ate at a restaurant after the movie. The food looked and seemed to be appetizing as the three ate heartily but Sanha was far deep in a trance state. He lost all appetite and just played around with his food as he continued to watch Minhyuk do his thing. He could’ve stopped Minhyuk’s plan right there but he didn’t know what was stopping him.

Maybe it was the fact that Minhyuk looked happy and how his pearly white teeth showed what he was feeling. Maybe it was the fact that he knew Minhyuk was trying so hard to make things work. Whatever it was, it silenced the poor boy in the corner.

*

Once he had gotten home from successfully hiding his emotions through fake smiles and small chats, he slumped his whole body to the couch, not bothering to move and get dressed. He laid there for hours staring at the ceiling and let the mix of emotion come for him. Hurtful thoughts rang in his mind and his tears dared to escape his eyes but he quickly wiped them as he convinced himself;

Why am I crying? I have no right to cry. And besides, there’s nothing to cry about. He was never mine to begin with. There was never an “us’ to begin with.

But it only made him bawl his eyes out at the thought. He furiously wiped his tears away but they kept coming out like a river.

Stop crying! Stop! This is so stupid. I’m so stupid. Why am I getting worked up by this? I should’ve known this. I’ve known this for the longest time. He has always loved Bin even up till now and that would never change. So why? Why does it hurt? Why am I crying over this?

He let the tears fall freely now, as he tried his best to calm himself and reduce his loud sobbing that filled the four walls.

Maybe Myungjun was right. Maybe I was in love with Minhyuk for the longest time. I should’ve stopped seeing him everyday after the first encounter. I’ve put my heart on guard because of this very reason. I know that he will never chose me over Bin. I know that he only treats me out of pure kindness and that he only sees me as his friend.  I’m so stupid.

He moved to hug himself so that he laid in a fetal position, facing the wall. His sobbing had quiet down to weeping. And soon enough, he fell asleep on the pillow filled with his tears and worries.