Note: This chapter was got inspiration from the "Master In House"  episode 28. The episode had many dialogues and phrases that I think suit with my story flow. I hope all the similiarity will acceptable to the readers! Thank you for reading :))

 

I had text Sungjae that we will meet at Grammos Hotel. Right after coming back from the concert venue just now, I immediately taking my stuff and drive away to hotel. This place is our usual port where we always meet each other or spend our times together.

 

Once I entering the hotel room, I took a shower and change my outfit to stripe sweatshirt and short pant. 10 minutes left before Sungjae will come, I decided to wait for him at the swimming pool just outside our room. I take a seat beside the pool and dip both of my leg into the water. I looking around at my surrounding that look so stunning. The dim lightning from the neon lamp along the pool give its romantic aura. Besides, the clear water of swimming pool give its more bright and peaceful atmosphere. I closing my eyes try to feel the refreshment and its serenity. When I deeply fall into my daydream, I felt someone present beside me. I opened my eyes, looking at my side and handsome figure greet me. He look so fine as usual with his simple black tshirt and short pant. Following me, he also dip his legs into the water. 

 

I let the silent conquered us as we both immersed with the view infront of us. The reason I want to meet Sungjae tonight because I want clearing up any misunderstanding between us. I know he was affected with what happened today. He deserve to know the truth and I decided to be honest with him. 

 

After awhile, I took a glance beside me and stare at it quiet long time. Notice he was being stared, he turned his head to me. "Why?"

 

I shooked my head. "So.....are you curious why Hyunsik hyung brought me to Huwon these evening?" I asked him and he nodded.

 

I turned my head looking at the deep water before continue, "For once in my life, I experienced abnormal feeling of nervousness and anxiety today" 

 

I can feel he start to gaze at me intently. "Today is the first performance without Eunkwang hyung. I don't know if you feel the way I do because to me, the absense of Eunkwang hyung give me a big impact. Everyone know how he always helping us boosting up our energy, giving an encouragement and cheering us up everytime we need to perform. I guess I relied on him too much all this time that make me left insecure out of sudden. On stage feel so different without him" I chuckled at my last statement. 

 

"To be honest to you, ever since Eunkwang hyung enlistment had announced, I'm constantly haunted by anxiety and concerns about different things at different depths. It getting worst by today so this is the reason why I called Hyunsik hyung to tell him about my problem. I turned to Hyunsik hyung for advice" I paused awhile and try to look at his expression. He look just calm listening to me. "Because of that, Hyunsik hyung bring me to Huwon to calm my mind and gain my energy back. Unexpectedly it work on me" I said grinning at him. He just still in silence without uttering any word. Maybe try to give a space to me blurting my heart out. "I'm only realizing now the weight of responsibility and pressure I've had to endure after Eunkwang hyung gone"

 

After awhile I goes silent don't know what to say anymore just expecting a respond from him. 

 

"A few years ago I had experience those kind of feeling. Those feeling that make you suffocating and vulnerable." Sungjae begin to speak without looking at me.He continue after knowing I pay my all attention to him. "I had this kind of obsession where I wanted BTOB to become successful and get the recognition that we deserve to the point I start to develope my anxiety. I think my anxiety stemmed from wantimg to do a good job. I wanted to do a very good job so we could acknowledge by public. I'm most anxious when I'm not doing anyhing. My anxiety will haunt me ceaselessly. You know how long it take for us to be where are we right now? It take us even more than 3 years to get our first win" He said while looking at me with expression I can't describe. 

 

I nodded before he continue, "Those years gave me hard time. I'm struggle by myself. So one day, Eunkwang hyung called me. I got surprise when he actually notice about my problem. He request me to talk to him in person because he said I need to share not to endure alone. So that time I told him everything. I even crying a mess infront of him" Despite a dark, I could see his bitter smile when recall his past. 

 

"Eunkwang hyung told me, as an idol, we want a respect and validation from the public. But getting to that point will probably take a lot longer than you're expecting . It'll happen when you're not even thinking about it. After putting in about 5 to 10 years of hardwork, it'll come to you like a gift." Sungjae constantly looking up at me while I'm too immersed with his story. "It really resonated me. Eunkwang hyung's advice make me realize that I was probably anxious because I pulled myself too hard to get there. Since then, I stopped questioning myself, 'will things go well or not?' Rather than that, I start to create my life motto, "Do enough". When you go too far, it becomes "too much". If you don't go as far, it becomes "too little". Be the right man in the right position and be confident"

 

After that, Sungjae looking straight to my eyes. We stare each other for awhile. He reach both of my hand and squeezing it. Now he turned his whole body toward me and put our hand on his lap. He lock our eyes while he speak. "People at our age tend to have concerns regarding low confidence. Whether you or me, we both experience this kind of concerns" As he speak, I could feel Sungjae tighten his grip into my hand "Irunie....I know you capable in doing anything you want. You just need that confidence in yourself. Even without Eunkwang hyung, you can do it. More important, you're not alone. You have me and other members too. Grip us when you are weaker. We will give you support endlessly so you will not fall. I just want you to know that I always beside you. I believe in you"

 

Sungjae sound so sincere and daring in comforting me to the point I feel like to burst my tears but hold it back as much as I can. "Don't be too worry. I hope you can always think and talk about your struggle with me. I love you" Sungjae whisper softly that make my heart flustered. Then, he close the distance between us and brushed his lips against mine gently. I could feel his overflowing love toward me through his kiss and somehow assuring me everything gonna be fine. He grabbed my nape to deepen our kiss. It was full of emotion that somehow we are comforting each other. When we were both out of breathe, he break our kiss and stare at me intently "If you're feeling anxious again, please looking up at me. I'm here with you" 

 

I nodded. "Thank you. I really appreciate it"

 

He give me a warm smile. Soon, he stand up and offer me his hand to help me stand up "Let go inside. It's getting cold. I don't want us to get sick"

 

I smile to him before grabbed his hand and wrapped my hand around his waist as we go inside. "You said you had anxiety. Did you have overcome it?" I asked as it wondering me.

 

"It's been almost seven years since I've performed on stage, but I still get nervous and feel uncomfortable which is why I stare at the floor a lot when I'm on stage. However I have my own way to handle it" He grinning while looking down at me. 

 

For some reason, I start to laugh as I know what the lame technique he will use everytime before they perform. At first I thought it weird but now I getting used to his habit.

 

Despite of me laughing at him, he continue, "Apparently, when you touch other people, you will find yourself feeling less nervous"

 

"So from now on you can hold my hands or even hug me everytime we need to perform" I interupt. 

 

Remain unbothered he continue "Surprisingly, it gave you the same effect when you did it to yourself. Usually I will patting myself and saying 'It's okay Sungjae. You can do this. You are all grown up. Everything will be fine. Fighting!' right before the concert" He told me proudly like he is the most genius person on earth "It might be just placebo effect, but it really helps, you should try it too"

 

"Why would I do that? I have you with me" I look up at him and show him my angel smile. He make an annoying face and let go of me. "Let's go to sleep. It's getting late already" He said as he settled himself on the bed totally ignoring me. 

 

"Come here" He bid me to come to his side. He look so inviting that make me smile widely and quickly climbing the bed beside him. I snuggled into his embracement until no space between us. Then he kiss my head sofly "Good night"

 

That night, I could feel his warm that wrapped up my whole body.

 

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Sungjae's POV 

 

Soon I wake up, Ilhoon's angel face greet me with the morning sunlight reflect on his face. He look so much like a baby when he sleep soundly. Adoring the view infront of me I staring for awhille and kiss his puffy cheek before I got up from bed.

 

I straight to the toilet to wash my face and brush my teeth. While waiting for Ilhoon to wake up, I take my time on the couch that placed facing Ilhoon. As I got nothing to do, I reached my phone and opened my sns. As soon as I open my instagram, I saw a picture of me and Ilhoon selfie that was took a week ago. It was 'ilhoonmj' who post it. I scrolling to see the caption of that photo and make me frown even harder. 'ㅅ ㅈ ㅎ'? 'What it does even means?' Out of curiousity I try read the comments to find the answer. Well sometimes melody can be quiet genius. I amazed with their skills to the point I think they could be detective for some reason. But, it could make me goes creepy too.

 

While scrolling, I can't hold my laughter when see the comments. There are too many assumptions that they make it funny to me. There are even some of them squealed excitingly because of this picture. It make me smile widely for knowing me and Ilhoon were so well loved.

 

The noise that I make actually woke Ilhoon up. He rubbed his eyes like a baby and look at me with his blank stare seemed like confuse to see me laughing. "Did I wake you up?" I asked with still remaining laughter. I stand up from the couch and sit beside Ilhoon.

 

"Why are you laughing? Have you become crazy already?" Ilhoon asked me with husky voice.

 

"No hyung....Your post in instagram...ㅅㅈㅎ what does it mean?"

 

After thinking for awhile, Ilhoon answer half wake "It doen not have any meaning"

 

"Huh?"

 

"I post it last night and I'm too sleepy to even thinking for any caption. I just wrote it unconciously"

 

I looking at him unbelieve. Minutes ago I feel excited for no reason to see the caption despite the fact that Ilhoon said it does not have any meaning? 

 

I don't want being a jerk to feel hurt about it so I let it go and want to act cool.

 

"You are so tactless!" 

 

Ilhoon just smile to see my reaction. Soon, he get up and straight to the toilet. When he get out, he still smiling at me.

 

"Why?" I asked weirdly

 

He just sit beside me without saying anything. I didn't left my gaze on him and just wait him to speak.

 

"I see your post yesterday" He turned his head at me "What about the rainbow? Do you have anything to say?"

 

His question make me want to avoid the eye contact "You figure it yourself"

 

Suddenly I heard him chuckle beside me that make me turned my head around.

 

"Sungjae.....I'm Jung Ilhoon and I'm smart" He said proudly. "You post the picture of rainbow because you feel sad I was together with Hyunsik hyung instead of you. And the two emoticon of rainbow in the caption means you wish I have beside you to watch the rainbow together. Am I right?" Ilhoon look at me to comfirm the answer.

 

'Wow he pretty smart' I thought. Since he answered correctly, I nodded slightly. Satisfied expression draw on his face.

 

"About my post.....can you figure it out? The caption have nothing to do since I just wrote it down unthinking. It's about the picture itself. I will give you hint. It's related to BTOB song"

 

I was taken aback at that time when Ilhoon want me to find the answer. I was off guard that suddenly my mind become blank and I can't think properly. I lost all my concious that make me just stare at him blankly. "It still early in the morning and you make me thinking? Sorry but I can't think of any relevant at the moment. You can just tell me directly" I faking the laugh to cover my embarrasment because of my dumbness. 

 

"I thought you are genius!" He laugh at me more like teasing. 

 

Out of sudden, he start to rap,

 

"I can finally live when I breathe with you

I can’t snap out of it, my eyes are closing

I just want you to know

I’m the real one that you’re looking for

Let’s place our worries and anxieties over on the other side

Now I’m going to pick up our photos

And place them in your hands

So they can be seen wherever you go

Tell me you can’t live without me"

 

He stare at me that make me want to react to the song. So I carry on with Hyunsik hyung's part

 

"I can’t live without you, it has to be you

No matter how much I think about it, it’s you for me

I don’t want to regret, I love you

Cause you are the only one"

 

Then we scream at each other

"You’re the only one for me!"

 

We burst out laughing together with our cheeziness. 

 

"Crazy" I heard Ilhoon said under his breathe.

 

"So what about the song? Care to explain?"

 

"I have nothing to say about it because I explain through the song" He answered arrogantly.

 

Sometimes he can be quiet annoying especially when he showed me his arrogant side.

 

"Thank you for last night. You give me a lot of strength. A day that goes by from now on will be so meaningful" Suddenly Ilhoon speak up while looking at nothing in particular.

 

I smiled at him warmly "The fact that you called me to talk about your anxiety and concerns about such matters last night is proof that you trust me and love me unconditionally. I'm the most appreciate one"

 

Then he turned his head to me "Because you are my one and only"