“What’s the difference?” I asked him. “Between the love of your life, and your soulmate?”

“One is a choice, and one is not.”

—  ― Tarryn Fisher, Mud Vein

It burned.

As if lava had replaced the blood that was running through my veins. The snow-covered ground that had dampened my clothes did nothing to soothe the ache that I had bestowed upon myself.

I had sinned, and now I was paying the price.

According to Kübler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief people normally go through.

Denial. It had been my greatest weakness, for I knew I loved Him with every single cell in my body, but he wasn’t the only one I had deep feelings for. I refused to admit how much he meant to me and had affected me in such a short amount of time. It was unfair for him to just barge into my life and rearrange everything I thought I knew. Even if the world seemed brighter when he was around, my eyes had grown accustomed to the dim monotony of my everyday life.

Anger. I was mad at myself, at fate, and our Gods. Were they blind to see my heart had belonged to another long before I knew what the word soulmate signified? My heart, ripped in two when they decided to cast their arrows and condemn me to this downward spiral of confusion and despair.

Depression. It came and went like waves in an endless ocean. I was drowning in what-ifs, without any strength left to paddle myself to shore. The hopeful, encouraging voice that had kept me going in this ed up world had been placed on mute.

Bargaining. Every memory from childhood to present, stained by a scarlet letter of shame, that people deemed immoral right off the bat, with no time to justify my actions. How could something so wrong, feel so right? The way his lips felt, moist and warm filled me with joy when I was all alone. They were familiar, they felt like home, yet the Gods were not on his side. We both were aware of the risks we had set ourselves up for as our relationship deepened, and it hadn’t phased me one bit at the time. I would’ve gone against the God of hell myself if it meant I could be by his side forever. Of course, that was until I met Him, my soulmate.

Acceptance. It hurt but it was inevitable. He had come in like a storm during a drought. Every single person in my life felt like a mere speck of sand, and he.. he was my desert.

The dark “0”(zero) on my palm was proof of how real all this ing mess was, yet I somehow managed to skip back to the first stage as my soul was now in an endless loop of grief.

The white snow fell against my cheek in a slow continuous rhythm, as my ice cold tears created a path down my face. I was freezing to death I knew it, but my weakened heart had lost the will to beat.

I had lost Him.

-  Before I had Him  -

The breeze that blew in through the cracked opened window had me wrapped in a 3 layered blanket burrito as my body trembled. The ticking of the clock on my wall made me anxious as I waited for his shadow to sneak in, bringing along his warmth. My trembling body had been waiting patiently for 30 minutes and there was yet to be any sign of him. A ‘thud’ against the frame of my window pane had me jumping up to my feet desperately. His light golden brown hair popping in through the window as he pulled himself across the threshold of my room. My arms circled his waist in a needy attempt to fill in the gap between us as quickly as I could, in fear of him uttering a sentence I have come to fear ‘I found my soulmate.’

Tonight was not the night though as his lips found mine excitedly as a smile formed on his face in between kisses. Relief from my response to him was obvious as his hands roamed my body. We had spent 2 days apart, the longest we had gone without seeing each other in a while. As soon as our lips broke away from one another, I tightened my hold on him as he rested his chin on my head.

“I missed you so much” the deep timbre of his voice whispered only loud enough for me to hear.

“I missed you too” I replied as my eyes traveled to my hand, the pink tinted 50 unchanged. It was a foolish wish of mine that one day as my eyes landed on the man I have come to love the fire within me would burn and mark us as soulmates as if fate had gotten it wrong all this time. No, it wouldn’t happen. I knew it, but I could hope, wish, and pray. Regardless of this, I knew one thing for sure: I would love Tae my whole life….marked fated or not.

I was only five years old when I first crossed paths with that rectangular smile of his. I knew he was nothing but trouble, yet my little feet chased him around as if he was the sun itself. He was funny and bright, but from a very young age completely reckless.

Kim Taehyung and I were alike yet opposite in many ways, my cautious nature going down the drain as soon as he extended a hand pleadingly my way and asked me to follow him. The adventures we skipped through while we were hand in hand were cherished memories that slowly grew into something more as the seasons flew by, witnessing us grow from coloring book fanatics to pimpled teenagers and finally to young adults who resented the laws that had been established way before our birth.

The laws of our world were complex, but there was no one to blame but ourselves. Chaos and destruction by Earth’s population had enraged the Gods who had in exchange cursed us all, blackmailing us with our biggest weakness: Love.

The mark appeared on our palms on our twenty-first winter, at the strike of midnight welcoming the new year. Taehyung had held me in his arms tightly that night as the painful sting of the flame burned our skin in sync, leaving in its path a tender pink scar with a “50” on the center of my left palm.

Disappointment had cursed through our veins, as we both cried and held each other, rocking ourselves to sleep. Fate had not deemed us fit for one another, but our stubborn hearts dictated otherwise. The fact that our scars were a dull pink instead of a charcoal black would not come in between us. That morning as I awoke to the rapid beating of his heartbeat as he ran his slim fingers through my hair, I knew that no matter what happened in the future I would always love Kim Taehyung.

Taehyung’s chest was warm and inviting as I laid my head against it. His arms circled my waist as he pulled me even closer into him. His scent awakened my instincts as my lips met his warm skin trailing a path of soft nibbles and kisses all the way from his collarbone to his plum soft lips.

He rested his palms against my cheeks as he absorbed himself in the heat of the kiss, and just as fast as it had started it had ended. Taehyung’s side smile made an appearance, but in his eyes, there was a clear sign of worry.

“I was scared” he whispered as his eyes looked down not able to meet mine.

“Me too” I replied right after. Every time he was away for more than a few hours a sense of panic flowed through my veins. The feeling of loss was already present and I had yet to lose him. I grasped onto him tighter not wanting to let go as if the physical attachment could be projected onto the soulmate curse that had befallen upon us mere humans.

“(Y/N),” he whispered into my hair softly as his deep voice soothed my oncoming nerves, “Let’s go out. I think you need a breather and these four walls are acting as a shield to the beautiful sky full of stars that is waiting for you outside”

The sound of yelling coming from my upset mother downstairs traveled up the stairs as it echoed through every corner, my soul ached for a temporary escape from this hell hole I deemed to be my home.

I turned to face Taehyung whose face had gradually grown nearer to mine allowing me to appreciate the light brown specks in his chocolate brown eyes. He pecked my lips leaving a sweet taste in my mouth as a s