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He never felt like this before. The rain was howling outside and every now and then it was hitting against the window. He couldn´t tell what exactly he should feel. He is sure in moments like this he should be angry, desperate and especially hurt. Maybe he should cry but he couldn´t. Not a single tear found it´s way down his face. All what´s left is emptiness. He felt nothing and he knew it. Deep inside him he knew a part of this was also his fault. 

,,Where were you?´´,Jiyong´s voice trembled.

They hadn´t looked at each other. Seungri was avoiding his eyes but he could already recognize his expression of guilt. The tension between them was growing but all you could hear was the rain outside and the drops of water hitting the floor of Seungris wet clothes. No answer yet. They both remained in uneasy silence. But even though he knew where this man before has been, he could not feel anything. 
Maybe he just didn´t want to feel anything. Maybe it would hurt too much.

Seungri was nervous. He bit his bottom lip and continued to avoid Jiyongs eyes. His hands trembling, his eyes were looking into nowhere behind Jiyong. His breath was unsettled and uneven. His hair was soaked and he couldn´t tell if he shed tears or if they were remnants of the rain outside. He looked at Seungri, his boyfriend for more than four years and saw a man at his worst. 

,,Where were you, Seungri?´´

No answer. Jiyong waited for a few secods before he took a deep breath and took one step forward his boyfriend. He looked at his neck and he contracted the eyebrows as he saw, that Seungri still had the necklace on ,which he gave them for their 3 years anniversary. But he could also see the red marks on his neck ,which weren´t from Jiyong. Covered by his necklace.

Seungri winced as he finally looked in Jiyongs face. 

Jiyong felt nothing. He wasn´t even angry. And Seungri could see that and the fact that Jiyong didn´t scream at him or cries or kissed him made him feel like throwing up. The feel of guilt consuming him and Seungri suddenly started to cry. No words left his mouth but Jiyong knew exactly what happended. Seungri crying was confirmation enough. 

They were once so much more than this. So much more than broken piece which were trying to fix each other. They had happy times. They had loved each other and they still do, but the more they loved each other ,the more fights they had. The less they had. The more complicated it got. They were each others first Boyfriends, they only knew each other, they grew up with each other, they fell in love each other. So how did this happen? 

Jiyong sighed. Maybe it was better like this. Maybe they should end up like this. There is no right or wrong when it comes to love. But he hoped that his next decision would be right. Jiyong stepped back again and looked at Seungri ,who were weeping bitterly. Jiyong knew Seungri felt more than guilty and even though Jiyong loved him more than anything else, he had to leave. 

Slowly Jiyong realized the Situation. And he started to feel the pain inside him and the tears which were fighting the way up into his eyes. He wouldn´t cry in front of him. He´d love nothing better than to feel nothing until he got over Seungri. They were a mess. Both of them knew this. Jiyong couldn´t stand it no more. 

,,I will leave now. Write me, when I should grap my things.´´ ,his voice sounded stronger than how he felt. Inside everything was burning, everything hurts and he felt his body trembling as he picked up his car keys and his wallet. He reached out for the door and looked back a last time. Seungri was looking at him with eyes which were screaming for him not to leave and an expression of pain in his face. His black curly hair was falling in his eyes. His white shirt was soaked and you could see his well-defined belly through the now transparent fabric. He wanted to touch it. Like so many times before. 
Seungri was beautiful. But broken. And Jiyong was the reason. This is why he had to leave. 

He snatched all his will and left the apartment. He heard how the door shuts and tears began to fall down on his chest. 
He took his Phone out of his Jeans and called the only one he could trust right now. He couldn´t be alone right now.

,,Hello? Ji?´´, Youngbaes voice was filled with sorrow. No wonder, they had 2am right now. 

,,Seungri cheated on me.´´ His voice was trembling.

,,Where are you?´´

Jiyong couldn´t answer. His tears were holding him back. His breath were all over the place. 

,,Jiyong calm down. I´ll come pick you up,so where are you?´´ 

He tried to brace himself and to collect his thoughts. He has been walking in the rain during the phonecall. 
,,In the park next to his apartment I think.´´ 

,,Alright, I´ll be there in 10 minutes´´, Jiyong heard the car keys in the background of Youngbaes voice and shortly after he hung up. 
Jiiyong sat down on the sidewalk and waited. The intense rain falling down on him and Jiyong hoped it would whitewash him from all the pain. He never felt like this before. And he cried and cried and cried. His tears mixing with the rain. His cloathes soaked and his body trembling from the cold breeze on the late summer night. He remained like this until an expensive car stopped before him and a worried youngbae tried to help him up.

,, Ji,´´ ,he said as he looked into jiyongs eyes. ,,Come on.´´

As soon as he sat on the passenger seat he closed his eyes and fell asleep. This night he dreamed nothing. 

,,What do you mean he´s nowhere to be found? He can´t just leave as if nothing is going on!´´ Youngbaes voice stops for a few seconds before he continues his call.
 
,,Daesung. I know. But Ji. I´ve never seen him like this before. ´´ Youngbae spoke a little quieter as soon he mentioned his name. 

,,Try to find him Dae, please.´´ ,he sounded really worried. Seungri was also Youngbaes friend, of course he would be worried, even if he knew Seungri has done some really terrible to his best friend. 

,,Okay. Call me as soon you know something.´´ 

A pause. Jiyong hasn´t even noticed that he held his breath until now. 

,,Okay thank you Dae, really. Bye.´´ 

He heard a sigh and Jiyong decided to keep his eyes shut. He don´t want to hold conversations right now. He wanted to do nothing and forget and sleep the wholde day, because as soon as he is awake he thought of last night, he thought of black hair and dark-brown eyes with long lashes and dark circles under them. He thought of the pain in these beautiful eyes and apparently Seungri left. He knew this would happen. All Seungri could do was running away. 

Seungri left. He felt how his heart broke another time, but he knew it would be better like this. It should be like this, they could be really happy again ,but Jiyong couldn´t help but feel pain and disappointment as he heard youngbaes words. It king hurts. He never knew he could feel like this. WIth these thoughts he drifted into another dreamless sleep.

A few hours later he woke up. He wanted to sleep but the thought of a cigarette to release some stress started to be burdensome. So with a sigh he decided to open his eyes. The first thing he saw was the window and the still falling rain outside. He  felt a twitch at the corner of his mouth. The weather knew how he felt. He tried to move a bit and realized that he wasn´t in his own bed. He looked around in this familiar room to recognize it was Youngbaes bedroom. 
Everything hurted. He stood up and looked into the mirror on the wall. 

He looked like . His hair stood in all directions, his eyes were swollen and you could see big dark circles under his eyes.Unfortunatly they reminded him of some certain pesron and his heart cringed at that thought. His lips were dry his nose had red margins and he really had to shave his face again. But even though he liked to take care of his appeareance, Jiyong couldn´t care less. 

With slowly steps he searched his way into the living room and saw Youngbae on the coach watching some cooking-show. 
,,Hey´´ ,Jiyongs voice was sore. 

Youngbae looked at him and he could see the sorrow on his face. Youngbae stood up and went to him and he expected him to ask him what happended and how he felt and what Seungri said ,but all Youngbae did was to caress him. He breathed in and recognizd Youngbaes familiar smell and again he felt tears crawling up his eyes. God, he felt so weak ,but he didn´t want to cry again.

They stood like this for some time. Jiyong didn´t know how long but when Youngbae stepped back he felt better. 

,,Thank you´´ ,Jiyong said with a small smirk on his lips. Youngbae really wanted him to feel better. 

,,You´re hungry?´´,Youngbae asked happily trying to brighten the mood. Jiyong shook his head. He wanted to smoke a cigarette first before anything else happens. 

The next few days have been irritating. He´ll stay at Youngbae´s for some time until he finds something new and fitting for himself. Youngbea tried everything to make him feel better. He cooked a lot for him because he thinks Jiyong is way too thin. Moreover he stayed with him a lot. Watching movies, playing games or just talking about random stuff, everything that´s distracting, he is thankful for. But he can´t avoid the topic Seungri forever. Jiyong knows that and Youngbae knows that as well. Seungri is a part of their band. Hell, they normally see each other almost every day during their promotions.

,,You know, Seungri hasn´t reappeared yet.´´ They sat on Youngbaes couch watching some action movie without any romance in it. Jiyong couldn´t stand romance. His friend hasn´t looked at him, continuing to look on the Tv before them. His eyes reflecting the light of the explosion in the movie. Jiyong sighed. He looked at and saw the worried look on his face. The eyebrows contracted like he´s thinking about something incredibly complicated. Then he concentrated on the Tv again. 

,,He´ll come back. He has to.´´ Jiyong said soft. As Youngbae looked at him he saw nothing but pain in his eyes.

At night you could hear the rain.