11,800 words

SIX

A set of noises from downstairs pull Baekhyun from his sleep. His eyes blink open and he’s greeted with his pillow, hissing in a deep breath through his nose as he tries to figure out what he can hear. There’s something clicking, some sighing and , and Baekhyun’s heart smarts before he remembers last night. Right. Chanyeol is here. And he kissed him.

Baekhyun whines and his eyes fall closed. What was he thinking? He rubs the sleep from his eyelashes with one hand and flops onto his back, glaring at the popcorn ceiling with contempt. What was he thinking? Baekhyun facepalms. He was thinking about how much he wanted Chanyeol. How much he likes him. What’s the point in denying it anymore? That doesn’t put him in the clear, though. He doesn’t know if he’s ready for where this is going, for what it means. Chanyeol deserves to know.

He washes his face and brushes his teeth before he heads downstairs, taking the steps slowly so Chanyeol won’t hear him coming. The under stairs cupboard is ajar, evidence of Chanyeol’s attempts to awaken the circuit. That was probably what he heard when he was waking up, the groaning implying that they’re still without electricity. Hopefully it’ll be fixed in a couple of hours. Baekhyun can’t work without it.

Chanyeol is in the kitchen now, face buried in the fridge with sparse shelves and souring food. Baekhyun watches him from the hallway as he takes out the milk and finds a glass from the cupboard, baggy t-shirt sleeves hanging loosely around his upper arms and letting Baekhyun ogle at his tattoos. There’s no real order to their placement, kind of like a patchwork design, and he wonders whether Chanyeol plans on filling in all the gaps. Chanyeol with sleeves is definitely something Baekhyun can get on board with.

Chanyeol must sense that he’s being stared at because he looks up and immediately finds Baekhyun’s wondered eyes. He looks fresh in his just-woken-phase, something Baekhyun greatly envies. Baekhyun has crease marks from his pillow imprinted on his cheek and grease in his hair that he hasn’t had chance to wash yet. Chanyeol, on the other hand, somehow looks like he’s just come out the shower.

“Hey,” Chanyeol says, grinning from ear to ear. “Milk?”

He guesses they’re having milk because tea is a no-go. “Sure,” Baekhyun breathes as he pushes himself off the wall he was leaning on, heading into the kitchen past the lounge doorway and taking a seat at the dining table. “Is the power not back on yet?”

“No, it’s not,” Chanyeol replies, not looking at Baekhyun but quirking his head to help project his voice over his shoulder. He finishes up pouring the milk and crosses the kitchen to deliver it.

“Thanks,” Baekhyun smiles. “I should have some cereal somewhere,” he adds quickly. “The cupboard by the fridge, I think. Seeing as we can’t cook anything.”

Chanyeol gathers everything and brings it all to the table. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what to do about what’s in your fridge. It might start to go bad if the power doesn’t come back on soon.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Baekhyun shrugs, helping himself to one of the bowls Chanyeol brought over and pouring some cereal into it. “It should be able to last a little longer.”

The dining chair doesn’t scrape against the floor when Chanyeol pulls it out to sit down. Baekhyun sees everyday how mindful he is and likes him all the more for it.

“We should talk,” Baekhyun says softly, not pouring milk into his bowl just yet.

Chanyeol stops mid-gesture, cereal box tipped up in his hand, and looks across at him with wide eyes. He looks hesitant, like maybe he was hoping to have a trouble-free breakfast. Though Baekhyun knows that if he doesn’t say things now, he’ll convince himself to talk to Chanyeol later and then the moment won’t be right and he’ll delay even more. It’s a bad circle, so the sooner the better.

Chanyeol nods, sets everything down, and gives Baekhyun his full attention. “We should.”

Baekhyun runs his hands along his thighs to wipe them of the cold sweat that’s gathering there. He doesn’t really know how to start, which is novel seeing as he’s the one who suggested talking in the first place. He knows he should be direct and clear, even at the expense of a couple of nerves. This is his life and his wellbeing they are talking about. He’s going to take it seriously.

“So, yesterday was… uh…” His initial word to use is ‘unexpected’, but as he runs the sentence over in his head he realises that it wasn’t really unexpected at all. His pause causes Chanyeol to hang his head, and Baekhyun panics trying to find a word to fit. Enjoyable? Surprising?

“Okay,” he eventually sighs, “let me start again.” Chanyeol leans back on the chair and meets his eyes again, looking on with a hint of fear. “I wasn’t really anticipating what happened last night to happen.” . That didn’t make sense. “I—I was surprised.” He winces. “I—Chanyeol, I don’t really understand what it means. Not fully, anyway. I can only guess at how you feel and it’s confusing the hell out of me. But more than that, I don’t know how I feel. I believe I do like you. I think you’re amazing, frankly. It’s just, I don’t trust myself to… to not it up. At the moment.”

Chanyeol stares at him blankly, and Baekhyun shrivels under the attention. “How would you it up?”

Baekhyun has never heard Chanyeol swear before, the way his deep voice cuts into the syllable. Imagine him making that noise in bed— “What I’m trying to say,” Baekhyun says a little too loudly, trying to drown out his thoughts, “is that I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. For another relationship. If that’s what you want. And it’s going to be really awkward if you don’t want that because now you know I’ve been thinking about it and—”

“Baek, it’s okay.”

Baekhyun inhales suddenly and looks up, Chanyeol smiling at him with understanding. “It’s not, Chanyeol. I’ve been so unfair to you. I must have made you so uncomfortable all those times I freaked out.”

“Okay, I’ll put my hand up and admit that you confused me quite a bit. Or a lot,” he chuckles, making Baekhyun feels simultaneously worse and better. Yes, he hurt Chanyeol, but at least he’s taking it on the chin. “I will also,” he takes a deep breath, dropping his eyes for a moment before he returns to gazing full-force, “put my hand up and say that I like you. It didn’t happen straight away, but it kind of happened over time and the feelings never went away. They just got stronger.”

Speechless, Baekhyun gawks at him. What the hell does he say to that?

“I…” Baekhyun stares at his trembling hands. “Chanyeol, I don’t want to commit to anything when I don’t know if I’m completely over my ex yet.” Chanyeol deflates. “It’s not that I want him back, Chanyeol. He cheated on me.”

“He cheated on you?!”

Baekhyun smiles wanly. “When we broke up, he told me it was partly because he wanted to be with someone else. And me, like the idiot I am, went on his social media a week later and found him celebrating a three-month anniversary. So…”

He can’t look at Chanyeol’s face anymore. There’s pity, concern. Baekhyun doesn’t want to relive everything he’s tried so hard to put behind him. It is reassuring, however, that Chanyeol has said he didn’t catch feelings straight away. They’re not pity feelings, in that case.

“I don’t think I would be half as affected if he just—”

“Treated you with respect, maybe?” Chanyeol finishes his sentence for him and Baekhyun turns to him in surprise. “Sorry,” he then chuckles self-consciously and wipes the nape of his neck. “I don’t want to pressure you, Baekhyun. Not if you don’t feel ready.”

Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol’s tattoos, following lines until he’s calmed down. “I want to try this,” he admits quietly. “But I can’t guarantee that I’ll be a hundred percent there. And I don’t expect you to wait for me at all. That would just be cruel.”

Chanyeol presses his elbows against the table and leans over. “Baekhyun, I’ll be fine with whatever you decide.” He sounds so sincere.

“You’re just saying that.”

He cracks a genuine smile. “Maybe a little bit, but I can promise I won’t be angry or hold a grudge or anything. We can just stay as friends if that’s what you want.”

Stay as friends? How can they go back to being just friends after they kissed and Baekhyun’s heart jumped ship? He releases an anguished breath and looks at Chanyeol squarely. To some degree, Chanyeol is everything Baekhyun looks for in a man. He’s listed the reasons why in his head time and time again, but for once, the list only has one thing on it. One, single, lonesome bullet point that speaks decibels above the rest. Why is Chanyeol everything Baekhyun looks for in a man?

Because he’s Chanyeol.

He feels ridiculous, maybe a bit naïve too, but he can confidently tell that he’s not lying. This is what he wants. He may never be ready. The time is now. Baekhyun cringes, but in another breath and smiles across at Chanyeol.

“Maybe if we take things slowly, I’ll be okay.”

Chanyeol grins from ear to ear. “You mean that?”

He takes Chanyeol’s hand in a bold move and squeezes his palm. “I do.”

“And this?” Chanyeol raises their joint hands. “This is okay? I can hold your hand and everything?”

Baekhyun stops to think, no words coming to mind with Chanyeol’s thumb brushing against his fingers. “Yeah, boundaries,” he murmurs. “So,” his eyes flicker back to Chanyeol’s, “hand holding is okay. And kissing. Cuddling too, I guess?” It’s embarrassing saying it out loud; it feels like they’re young teenagers in their first relationship with their parents breathing down their necks. But Baekhyun just wants to be sure. He can’t rush himself into something he’s still up in the air about.

There will always be doubt in his relationships now. Is he good enough to keep someone? Will they want to stay after the first hurdle? Is he worth the rough patches and the fights? He wants to believe that Chanyeol is different. That Chanyeol would never do what Sehun did. But Baekhyun used to think that about Sehun as well. He never saw their relationship ending. Granted, he couldn’t see where it was going either, but he never thought it would implode in the way it did. Baekhyun wants to be prepared for anything. Confirming their mutual feelings for one another comes before jumping into bed without clothes on. Baekhyun won’t be hurt a second time for the same reason.

“That’s fine with me.” Chanyeol squeezes his hand.

And suddenly, Chanyeol is his boyfriend.

Wow.

Chanyeol snorts, and Baekhyun’s face flames when he realises he said that out loud.

“It’s probably a good idea not to tell everyone yet,” Baekhyun says after clearing his throat. “You know how they can be.”

Chanyeol nods in understanding, continuing to beam at him.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Baekhyun shies away, turning his face away to the kitchen before focusing on his cereal and finally pouring the milk into his bowl.

“Just thinking,” Chanyeol teases, squeezing his hand a final time before he too starts eating his cereal. “Do you think the power will be back on soon?”

Baekhyun wonders whether his crunching is too loud when he eats, spooning cereal into his mouth and struggling to chew it down to answer Chanyeol’s question in time. “It’ll probably be a while yet.”

“Want to continue our Monopoly game?” Chanyeol asks suggestively, poking Baekhyun’s ankles under the table with his toes.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Sure, but I want to do a walk of the village first. Just to make sure everyone’s alright.”

“No problem.” Chanyeol nods along and reaches out for his hand again.

Hopefully, things will be okay.

♡♡♡

Nothing really changes after that. They continue to spend almost all day together like they’ve been doing for the past few weeks and cook for each other more often than not. Chanyeol is the better chef out of the two of them, probably because he spent so many years cooking for himself in university. Baekhyun loves watching him work over the stove. The way he chops vegetables is unfoundedly attractive. The steady movement of his tattooed arms, the way his hand holds firmly onto the knife. It’s alluring.

Out of the regular, one thing does change. Baekhyun can kiss Chanyeol whenever he wants to, sometimes causing dinner delays and distracting him from work. It’s nothing short of perfect.

It only took Baekhyun a few days to feel like kissing Chanyeol was normal. It was weird at first, sort of awkward and uncertain, like their boundaries were still undefined and they weren’t sure what was okay. But it soon became natural – mainly because once the dam broke, Baekhyun realised he’d been wanting to kiss Chanyeol for a very, very long time.

In the next week or so, Baekhyun finally finishes all twenty of his Christmas cards. He reviews them, tweaks them, then adds his finishing touches, and just as he’s exporting them all ready for emailing, his front door opens downstairs. In a neighbourhood like theirs, it’s safe to leave the front door unlocked, so Baekhyun doesn’t bother with his key when he’s home.

“Baek?” calls Chanyeol, an immediate smile creeping across Baekhyun’s face.

“Up here!”

His heart thumps in anticipation as Chanyeol ascends the stairs. His mind counts the sounds of his footsteps from one to thirteen, each step building the anticipation that’s making his heart rocket into lightspeed. Chanyeol appears in his doorway ruffling his wet hair, the rain outside perfect weather for both painting and appreciating a wet Chanyeol, who kind of resembles a poodle that’s been splashing in one too many puddles.

“Hey,” Chanyeol says airily as he comes in, taking his phone from his jeans pocket and tossing it onto Baekhyun’s bed.

“Hey.” Baekhyun spins on his chair to face Chanyeol, wanting him to lean down and kiss him in greeting; it’s something they’re not doing yet, another one of the things they’re unsure about. Their supposed boundaries have made them cautious of one another, Chanyeol’s immense respect for Baekhyun’s personal space arguably a tad overkill. It feels good to be respected so consistently, but it would feel even better for Chanyeol to kiss him hello and goodbye. Seeing as they pretty much act like a married couple already (not including the separate living spaces) it wouldn’t be too outrageous.

“What are you working on?” Chanyeol asks as he comes over. Baekhyun reluctantly swivels back around to face his monitor, just as Chanyeol plants one hand on the back of his chair and the other on the desk by his keyboard. He smells good today. And he’s within kissing distance.

“I actually just finished!” Baekhyun cheers, shifting tabs and allowing Chanyeol to get a good look at one of his designs.

“Woah,” he gasps, leaning closer until his chest is pressing against Baekhyun’s shoulder and Baekhyun has fluffy black curls in his face. “You really are amazing!”

Baekhyun grins broadly and gazes softly into Chanyeol’s eyes when he looks around. He’s practically screaming kiss me with every molecule of his being. Every breath gets lighter with suspense, and he stares down at Chanyeol’s mouth just to prove it. Thankfully, Baekhyun doesn’t actually have to scream at Chanyeol for him to get the hint. They kiss and it makes him feel content, to the point where he runs a hand through Chanyeol’s hair just to stop him from pulling away – it’s a little gross though, as his hair is still wet from the rain. Although, the rain itself smells good on Chanyeol. The angle of their kiss is a little off, seeing as Chanyeol’s head is tilted, but despite that, it still feels good. Everything with Chanyeol feels good.

“Shall I show you the rest?” Baekhyun asks once he’s put a centimetre between them, and Chanyeol is eager to agree. He pulls up Baekhyun’s painting stool and perches beside him, his chin sending tingles down Baekhyun’s arm because it’s so close to touching his shoulder. “Okay, so this is the first one I made…” He shows Chanyeol the one of the deer by the frozen woodland pond, the one of the robin and the one with the stockings over the fire. There are ice skaters, carol singers, both set in the Victorian era as they’re popular with the public, then there are dripping candles, one of children building a snowman and holly leaves. There are others, ten others, and Baekhyun shows them all to Chanyeol proudly as he gasps and praises each one.

That’s one thing he’s noticed about Chanyeol – among the many other great qualities he possesses. He’s always genuine. He doesn’t compliment people just to make them like him. He compliments them because he means it. And the approval, irrelevant to how easy Chanyeol may be to please, makes Baekhyun’s heart sing.

“You’re so talented,” Chanyeol breathes in amazement, eyes only leaving the screen for a moment to show Baekhyun his astonished expression.

“Which one is your favourite?”

“Hmmm,” Chanyeol takes the question very seriously, “the one with the sleigh, definitely. The way you did the frost and the snow is really… Wow…”

Baekhyun bites his lip to stop himself from smiling too much. “It’s easier on Photoshop than on a canvas,” he replies modestly. Chanyeol shoves him a little and finally rests his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“Don’t play yourself down,” he says quietly, still admiring the pictures on the screen.

They decide to make dinner together later, working in tandem in the kitchen. By no means are they attempting something gourmet level with their basic cooking skills. Spaghetti bolognese is just fine. Chanyeol chops the peppers while Baekhyun stirs the mincemeat in the bottom of the pan, watching it sizzle from a dark pink to a light brown. Chanyeol is telling him about who he’s been giving car rides to as they cook, divulging Baekhyun with tales of Maggie’s suspicious rendezvous with a younger man.

“She asked if I could hang around Edgebank while they went back to his place so that I could drive her home as well. She was only there for about an hour and a half. Makes you wonder.”

Baekhyun snorts as he sprinkles some herbs in their food. “Must have good stamina then, her guy.”

Chanyeol smirks at him and Baekhyun smiles through his embarrassment. He can’t believe he just said that.

“I’ll be back in a second. Just going to the loo,” he tells Chanyeol, flashing him a smile as he walks past and jogs up the stairs.

What is Chanyeol going to think of his suggestive comments? He shouldn’t have made a remark like that. Talking about a . And not even Chanyeol’s either. He groans, facepalming, and quickly pees while scrolling through the news on his phone, tucking himself away while skimming an article about rising sea levels and the threat of plastic. There’s a message notification on his top bar, a little sealed envelope, so he taps over to his inbox and frowns at what he sees.

Unknown Number

27th September

[Hey] 14:53

“Okay?” he murmurs, typing out a reply as he idly steps towards the sink.

[Who is this?] 17:33

He shrugs, about to pocket his phone when it vibrates in his hand.

[You deleted my number? Wow.] 17:34

Baekhyun’s heart jolts, stalling on its next beat. He throws a hand out blindly to grab the sink basin for support, afraid that the cold flush which has swept across his chest might be enough to make him pass out. Like he’s been burned, he throws his phone onto the counter and winces as it clatters backwards against the wall like a skipping stone. He can hear Sehun’s voice in his head, reading the text out loud. It has to be him. Sehun. He hasn’t deleted anyone else’s number from his phone in years, and he doubts the ex-boyfriends he had in college and university still have his contact information. Why would they even bother? Why would Sehun even bother now that he has Mr Perfect?

“Baek! Dinner’s ready!”

Baekhyun chokes and looks towards the door, afraid that Chanyeol will barge in and see what’s going on. He can’t let Chanyeol see. What will he think?

“Calm down,” he whispers to himself.

“I’m serving up, Baek!” Chanyeol calls again, his voice still far away.

“,” he hisses, checking his appearance in the mirror and finding a trembling man staring back at him. It fills him with rage that Sehun would even dare to contact him again after what happened, especially in that tone, as if it’s Baekhyun who has made all the mistakes. He almost texts back, asks him what he wants, but he refuses to open a door. He’s not letting Sehun back into his life again. Sehun can cry on his doorstep for all he cares, he’s never letting him inside.

He almost blocks his number – though he’d have to search how to first – but he stops himself. Maybe Sehun just wants his stuff back? Maybe Sehun wants to invite him to his bloody wedding? Baekhyun decides to be an adult. Responsible. He’ll see what Sehun has to say, if anything, and if it’s of no significance, he’ll block his number then. If there’s one thing he’s certain about, it’s that he has no feelings for Sehun whatsoever anymore. Except, maybe disgust. It’s a welcome revelation.

He flushes the toilet and washes his hands quickly, returning downstairs to Chanyeol sitting at the dining table with two steaming plates. “Looks good,” Baekhyun says, trying a smile.

“Everything okay?” he asks as Baekhyun slides into a chair, looking worried and not starting his food.

Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say. Instead, he reaches out for Chanyeol’s hand and tells him everything is fine, refusing to let go and watching as Chanyeol struggles to eat with a fork in his right hand. Watching Chanyeol slurp up spaghetti takes his mind off things -- he’s still attractive even with the sauce all around his mouth. How on earth is that possible?

They watch TV afterwards, settling back into the sofa with some wine Chanyeol brought along. It’s a quiz show they’re watching, and they have a good time shouting out the answers and bickering amongst themselves when they disagree – then finding out that they’re both wrong. Baekhyun stops caring about the text he received. Sehun won’t ever ruin this. Baekhyun won’t let him. It might have been just Baekhyun a few weeks ago, but now it’s Baekhyun and Chanyeol and he refuses to give it up.

It’s dark when he walks Chanyeol home. The days are getting shorter, the sun lower, and around them the leaves are yellowing on the trees and browning on the roads. He goes up Chanyeol’s driveway this time, taking him all the way to his front door and then kissing him on his porch under the censor floodlight. Chanyeol is a good kisser, completely different to anyone else Baekhyun has had. He likes , maybe a bit too much, but Baekhyun doesn’t mind it. If anything, it instills reassurance that Chanyeol does actually want to kiss him, for which Baekhyun is profusely grateful.

He misses him as soon as Chanyeol’s front door is closed. He doesn’t want to appear strange, but he stands there for a few minutes as the lights come on in different windows, until he catches Chanyeol walking down the hall into his bedroom. It’s too quiet on the walk home with only his breathing and no one complaining about all the raking they’ve had to do to keep their driveway clear – apparently it took Chanyeol three hours to take care of it all. He enjoys their dumb and meaningless conversations. They’re one of his favourite things.

He’s just leaving the main road when Jongin comes whizzing past on his bike with a brrring of his bell, hitting the breaks so he can stop and say hello. His hair is windswept and there’s a healthy flush to his cheeks. A distressed denim jacket fitted nicely around his shoulders.

Baekhyun looks around at him in surprise, not having expected to run into anyone at this time. By late evening everyone is usually at home preparing for bed or cooped up in the pub growing rowdy with banter. It is a pleasant hour, despite how quiet it is, lights through windows illuminating the roads in the absence of streetlamps. Each time Baekhyun walks past someone’s house he catches a glimpse of their life, whether that be because the curtains aren’t drawn or because the walls are too thin. He wonders what people see or hear when they pass his house, whether they take the silence as loneliness or the lack of life as misery. A few weeks ago, that analysis wouldn’t have been inaccurate at all.

“Baekhyun! Just the person I wanted to see!” Jongin exclaims joyously, unsaddling and removing his helmet to hang it on the handlebars.

“Jongin!” Baekhyun flashes him a smile. “How are you?”

“Good, thanks! I’m just on my way back from Yixing’s. We’ve started watching the new drama on channel one together and it’s really good, Baek. Definitely worth a watch.”

They stop outside Jongin’s house only a few doors up from Baekhyun’s, carrying on their chat as Jongin rests his bike against his garden wall. It’s late, so Baekhyun doesn’t expect to be invited inside. Besides, it’s a nice evening.

“I’ll look it up. No spoilers in the meantime, though.”

Jongin beams gloriously at him, hands busy removing his gloves. “Course not! Anyway, I was wondering if you’d be able to do a night of painting at the youth club! Help the kids make something fridge-worthy. Or, maybe even mantelpiece-worthy. I’ve been running low on ideas recently and seeing as the weather is going cold we can’t do as many outdoor things now. I thought painting would be nice seeing as we have an expert in our midst.”

Baekhyun laughs at the word expert. “Sure, sure. But yeah, that’d be lovely! I’d love to come and do some painting with everyone.”

“Great!” Jongin claps his hands together, face aglow with all the possibilities. “They’re all really well-behaved kids, as you know. Oh, they’ll be so excited now! I can’t wait to tell them! Thanks a lot, Baek! Only problem is we don’t currently have enough paint for everyone.”

“Don’t worry about that. I can go and get whatever we need.”

Jongin looks at him with worry. “Are you sure? You don’t have to! I have a truck so it’s easier for me to head out of town.”

“Nah, it’s alright! Besides, I need to figure out what we’re all painting first. I’ll get everything, don’t worry.”

“Okay, awesome!” Jongin punches the air. “And the council will pay you back for everything as well. Just try not to spend too much.”

Baekhyun chuckles, wowed by Jongin’s enthusiasm. He thinks it’s great that there’s someone so invested in entertaining the kids around here. There’s not a lot for them to do outside of the village events, and even some of those they either can’t go to or find boring. Jongin was the one who first started the youth club when he first moved here, and it’s performing so well that it’s not only the kids that go but the occasional parent as well.

“It’s no trouble at all!” he assures Jongin. “Just let me know when.”

“Alright! No problem!”

“Okey dokey! Have a good night, Baek!” He waves Baekhyun off before he takes both hands to his bike and guides it through his garden gate to stand it by his front door. Jongin is a fan of growing things in multi-coloured plant pots, the last of his summer marigolds fading on his windowsill.

“See you later