Genre: Angst / Romance / Fluff

Characters: You X Kyungsoo

There was a comfort in his arms. It was thick and warm and it coated your skin with sticky honey that wouldn’t have been easy to shake off even if you tried -- which you didn’t. The weariness of the day must have worked against you; you gave in to that comfort so easily and your eyes were closed as you let it have its way. You let it have you, for just a moment. Just for the amount of time it took for the tears to stop falling and for the shaking inside of your chest to quiet down.

Kyungsoo held you securely within his arms and the steady stream of hopeful promises that flowed from his lips had hushed in time for your breathing to even out. Could he feel the erratic beating of your heart through his chest wall? Did he know about the longing? It was a powerful spell that took hold of you whenever you let your guard down. Your heart coveted him and it ached on each downbeat with the denial.

With your eyes closed, you could feel the exhaustion in your bones so much more. It was magnified and you let your balance shift just a little, just enough to borrow a little bit of his substantial strength, he had so much to spare and you were so very tired tonight.  

You heard him whisper your name and it pulled at your sleepy mind enough for you to hum in response.

“You should sleep,” he said and you nodded your head. You would sleep. He would leave you for his own bed and you would settle for the warmth of your hotel blankets. They paled in comparison to his arms; they were so much less than him.

Nonetheless, they covered you as they were made to do and you were pulled under the surface.

And you heard his voice. It sounded crystal clear and he was singing a sweet song. One he sang for you countless times on the phone in the middle of the night, in the middle of your nighttime when he had the sun; keeping it safe for you, he said.   He had learned the English version for you. You remembered the first time he sang it for you and it was as close to a promise of forever as you were ever going to get. Hell, it even said the word forever right there in the song. The lyrics were a vow and they were yours. He was never going to let you go for the rest of your life. It had been right there the entire time and you...you hadn’t realized how significant those words were at the time as he sang them to your sleepy mind and you drifted off.

That song...that sweet and soft love song he once sang only for you was now amplified as it was fed through the enormous sound system that sent it through the ears of countless fans who sat enraptured by his beautiful voice. The volume was loud enough to vibrate against your chest and you stood just off of the stage holding your clipboard and wired up with the mic and earpiece, just off in the darkness where you could just make out the shape of his face as he held the microphone to his mouth. You were close enough though that the dark irises of his eyes made their way to brush against your own as he sang and you could feel the intent.

In this arena filled with thousands of his fans, Do Kyungsoo was singing a love song and he was looking at you as he did it. He was looking at you for too long now, you could feel the flush against your skin, on the back of your neck and over the skin of your scalp and the focus of his eyes did not shift away from your face despite the small shake of your head you gave him, urging him away from this. Quickly and before someone notices, look away, you fool.

The song was reaching a crescendo and you lifted your hands to lay over your face. It felt hot and embarrassed at this display. You hoped and you prayed that no one else noticed this. Maybe from the outside observer he merely appeared to stare off into the crowd with no destination in mind as he sang. Maybe no one else could see the steady eye contact he held and the look of pure adoration on his pretty face. It was dark over here and you held your clipboard tightly over your chest like a shield as if you could block the unwanted attention of the curious eyes that began to glance your way as one by one, curious heads turned and looked in the direction he was staring. He was singing this song to someone. They were beginning to realize this.

Why were they looking? Could they even see anything? It was so dark where you stood.

You had taken your eyes off of him up on the stage for only a moment. You had to look away, the eye contact was too burdensome, but when you looked up again, when you found his eyes again you saw more than just a stare. His hand was lifted and his finger was extended and he was pointing at you.

This was why. This was why they looked. This was the reason for all the eyes to search and all at once you felt the gaze of thousands of people land on you. It felt like being crushed by an anvil. The oxygen was out of your lungs and you gasped noisily when a blinding white light hit you in the face. You felt the heat from it. A spotlight flared and illuminated you where you stood alone with your little clipboard offering absolutely no protection from the eyes and judgment of thousands. The only thing you could do was lift it up higher to hide your face when the arena cameras turned to film you.

The song was ending. It was the final line. Kyungsoo’s voice expertly caressed the last sweet words of the love song and at the end, where the lyrics should have ended he added an extra word -- no, not a word, it was your name. It was your name. He sang your name into the song and you peeked out from behind the clipboard toward the big screens behind the stage and you saw your face there. Worried and embarrassed. The hot spotlight heated you and pooled beads of sweat gathered over the surface of your goosebump-prickled skin. You saw yourself on full display; caught in the horror of this as a sinking feeling deep in your stomach pulled hard against your insides. No! This was bad. This was worse than just bad; this was dangerous.

Why would he do this? Why would he do something so public; something so reckless; something so stupid? Was it an act of desperation? His last-ditch attempt to win you back? To show you how much he loved you? Didn’t he know this was suicide?

The sinking in your stomach hit a bottom and you felt nauseated when the panic rose up fast in the back of your throat.

The arena was awash with a sound -- a collective gasp. Thousands of people shocked at once. Their dumbstruck faces all watching you, all watching him. Your co-workers, the other members, everyone with ears and eyes all peaked around corners and out from behind curtains to gawk at the truth and Kyungsoo stood on the center of that stage alone with his eyes smiling — so in love — and his song finished; his moment made public.

And then it began. The first shouted boos from the crowd started from one or two corners of the arena but they spread like wildfire through the flood of people and the noisy anger was staggering and overwhelming in an instant.

And his face, the sweet face he wore which had held such a wide and pure smile; oh, it changed. You watched his face crumble before you. From the corner of your eye, you saw a wave of anger. A group of people lunged forward and brought with them chaos and disaster. Screams and cries were muted and muffled as people, so many people surged forward toward the stage, toward where he stood elevated like a god on a pedestal. And the look in his eyes was disappointment. It was crushed hopes and then it was genuine fear.

As quickly as it appeared, you lost your spotlight. The air cooled around your skin and it was a refreshing change as your darkness enveloped you once more.

But Kyungsoo’s spotlight, it burned brighter than ever. He had two, then three, then six from all corners of the arena shining all at once and he took a step back as his hands fell to his side and the mic went clattering to the ground with a noisy boom that echoed throughout the arena.

There had been barricades. There had been shouting of security guards toward the crowd, but the thousands of angry faces overwhelmed and you watched as they mounted like ants and climbed over one another and they climbed up, up, up, their relentless hands reaching and grasping. They weren’t faces anymore. They were just madness. Nails and teeth and vicious grabs and Kyungsoo took another step back from the commotion, but from the other side of the stage, where the security guards had simply stepped aside with little to no resistance at all came another wave. It came from behind his back. He hadn’t seen them coming for him at all.

You saw arms first. So many arms, reaching up from beside the stage, powerful and strong and they reached for his body. They ripped at his clothing with tight fists. They grabbed for his hands and pulled hard and his balance was thrown before his scream was heard over the roar of the crowd and in an instant, he was gone — right before your eyes he was gone.

He was fully enveloped and consumed and the spot where he stood on the stage sat empty. A spotlight illuminated a single abandoned microphone on the floor and the trembling inside your chest made you weep and scream and cry. The sound hardly reached your own ears over the deafening cacophony.

You opened your eyes and felt the wetness coating your face and soaking your pillow below your head. Your own hands reached up into the empty space above your hotel bed and trembled as they grasped at nothing.

They had taken him.

They had hurt him.

Because he loved you.

You sat up, blinked twice and then twice more to clear the fog in your eyes and wiped at the wetness on your face with fingertips that still trembled from the dream.

It took you only a moment of heavy breathing to recognize your hotel room. You remembered checking in. You remembered the hectic work day and then the disaster with your phone and then you remembered the door — the one that linked your hotel room to Kyungsoo’s — you sat up straighter and pushed the warm covers off of your bare legs. It was colder in here than you remembered, but you had fallen asleep rather abruptly last night. You didn’t remember plugging in the loaner cell phone and setting it down on the bedside table but there it sat, fully charged and ready for tomorrow’s busy day.

Kyungsoo must have done this before returning to his own room to sleep. He would’ve brought the charging cable from his own room to charge the phone for you and you inhaled a deep breath to rid yourself of the uncomfortable feeling that came along with the realization that he must have trotted back and forth between the two rooms, busy with this little task as you slept soundly and unaware in this bed. These actions felt very intimate and that uncomfortable feeling was confusing you with how it shifted and swelled and warmed you from the inside. How could such an uncomfortable feeling be so warm? You had been used to feeling quite empty. Perhaps this feeling felt too full to be at home inside your body.

Because he loved you.

The remnants of the dream still pulled hard at your chest and you inhaled a deep breath that trembled as it inflated your lungs. Your feet were on the floor and you were pushing yourself up with a glance at the phone to check the time. It was after 4am. You’d been sleeping for a few hours at least. He would also be sound asleep by now.

As you rounded the foot of the bed you could see the wood of the door and your steps paused to see that it had been left open. Yours sat completely open and you could tell by the slight light coming from inside his room that he had also left his door open.

The floor was carpeted but you walked light and slow regardless; careful not to make a single sound as you approached the open doorway of his hotel room. You might have even been holding your breath when you placed a careful step out of your room and into his room.

There was little difference between the two rooms. The decor was an identical, although reversed, layout. Even the chilly ambient temperature was the same and you shivered quietly; remembering how he liked to sleep in a colder room than you did. He got hot at night and shed pants before sleep when the temperature wasn’t cold enough. You hadn’t minded the chill in the air when you had his body heat with you under his covers.

This must have been why your room felt cold. His thermostat was working overtime to cool both rooms.

Despite the obvious parallelisms, walking into Kyungsoo’s hotel room at 4:19am as he slept soundly on his bed with his back away from your approaching footsteps, it felt like walking into a completely different plane of existence.

You only needed to see him; to calm the storm in your soul brought on by the nightmare. You only needed to witness his safe and sleeping face with your own two eyes. You would only look.

You would only see; you would not touch. You would not kiss and you would not weep to see him safe and sound. A single look would do.

He slept in the middle of his bed, curled over to his side with a pillow wedged between his knees. He often overworked his body and his muscles would ache from the constant exertion. He slept this way when he was very tired. There was a space on the side of his bed, plenty of room for you to sit beside him as he slept and you moved in slow-motion; careful not to make the bed dip or rock as you did it. You only needed to look.

Kyungsoo slept. His black hair laid flat over his forehead with bits in the back fluffed by his pillow. His lips were parted as he breathed in and out through his mouth. His breathing was even and slow. He did not move when you sat down and you watched the steady rise and fall of his chest with an ache in your fingertips and that annoying longing deep within your chest. He slept and you craved. He breathed and you yearned.

His forearm was uncovered by the blankets. The smooth skin was taught and thin over strong muscles that sat relaxed and your fingers felt too cold and itchy all on their own. He was real. He was safe. You’d already verified this with your own eyes yet that urge for warmth and connection was as strong as any other desire you had ever felt in your life -- all of the desires you had given in to in the past, oh god, you had a bad track record by now -- you reached your hand out to him and he was warm and he was alive. The blood pumped through his veins and warmed the skin that your fingertips explored.

The contrast was shocking. Your hands were cold and you heard an inhale from him. You felt the tensing of the muscles under his skin that sat below your hand and you were so cold and you were still so tired. The nightmare had robbed you of the peaceful sleep your body needed.

With his first inhale came a sound. A soft and confused groan that made you pull your hand away. You hadn’t intended on such a disturbance. You hadn’t meant to touch him. But you had (that was your weakness winning again) and he made another sound as his hand moved; he reached. He turned over and he reached and you felt caught. Quite literally, you felt his hand wrap around your wrist and his sleepy eyelids pulled open to see you sitting on the side of his bed in the middle of the night; uninvited, unexpected, and yet unforced.

“Are you okay? What happened?” His voice was thick with sleep but he pushed through it, forcing his eyes to open as he tried his hardest to wake up. The hand that had wrapped around your wrist released you and he rubbed his own face roughly with his fingertips pressing over his sore and tired eyes. “What time is it? Do we have to go?” His sleepy mind was trying to make sense of this sudden awakening and you shook your head with a small frown of your lips.

“No, it’s not time to get up yet,” you confessed, but he was already sitting up now. He let out a low groan again, still fighting hard against the sleep.

“What happened -- come here,” he was shifting in the bed and he reached for your arm again, this time pulling and oh -- oh, he was very warm. He was all of the warmth you craved and you needed and his smell was inviting and familiar. “Come here, baby, did something happen?”

The lowness of his voice was heady. It was a salve. It would save you for sure.

It was a drug. It was a dirty habit you really should quit already, but...

He moved the blanket aside and you recognized the invitation to come into his bed. He would share his warmth. He would speak softly, only to you, with that voice and he was safe and he was real and you were---you were so cold and you were so tired.

“I had a nightmare,” you confessed into the darkness of this room. You felt the smallness of yourself. A silly girl spooked by demons in the night, you sought comfort and pacification. There was a street lamp just outside of the window on the opposite wall and it shone just enough light for you to make out the features of his face. He was beautiful. He blinked at you; sitting up on his bed and you sat up, resisting the small tug he gave your arm until you simply did not want to resist anymore.

He pulled and you sank and felt the warmth of his body encircle you entirely. You were pulled under. You never stood a chance with how empty you were feeling and how warm he was. Your chest against his chest; his body your cocoon.

“A bad dream?” Kyungsoo whispered into your ear and he rubbed hot palms over the skin of your arms and over your back. You hadn’t even realized how cold you were until he began thawing your ice. “You’re so cold,” he said as he lifted his legs and wrapped them around your bare ones.

“You were hurt, in my dream,” you said softly, but the warmth felt too good to keep your eyes open.

“I was?”

“Mhmm,” you hummed into his neck where you had tucked your chin. “You disappeared and you were hurt and I couldn’t do anything about it. I could only watch it happen.”

“It was just a bad dream. I won’t get hurt and I won’t go anywhere. Stay here and go back to sleep.” his voice was slowing down as he spoke and you recognized the comfort of the embrace that threatened to pull him under. His hands slowed their rubbing and you tried to breathe comfortably from your spot below his neck with minimal success. It was too tight here, and the air was hot.

Your sleepy mind only marginally recognized the danger of your spin. His arms loosened their hold for a moment for you to do it and you found yourself pulled tighter against his body once again, this time with your back against this chest; your against his groin and the lure of his hands over your .

You were both too sleepy for restraint or propriety. His hand opened up over your and you felt the nudge of his hips as he nestled himself tightly against your .

It only took a moment for you to fall into tricky waters. You shifted your hips just a little bit. The long sleep shirt you wore had rolled up and you had to angle yourself to pull it down. The shift of your hips made him move, quite obviously half-hard against you and you felt his hand move from cupping your to land securely over your hip. He pressed your hip down very firmly into the mattress and he held you there. He wanted you to stop wiggling your against his like that.

“Sorry,” you whispered and you heard a small grunt of a response from just behind your ear.

You held still. You didn’t need to test his self-control any more this evening and you were entirely too sleepy to be convinced of much otherwise. After a few moments of stillness, the storm seemed to pass and you were drifting again when you heard a slow inhale from behind you.

It came with a slow brush of his fingers along your hairline and the unmistakable softness of his lips pressed into the skin of your temple.

“Asleep?” He whispered and you opened your eyes to see the flicker of that far away street lamp from the window.

You shook your head and he inhaled another slow breath. It made his chest press up against your shoulder blades.

“What do you want me to do?”

The question felt too heavy for 4:35am the night before a scheduled workday.

You didn’t answer.

“Tell me what you want me to do. I’ve never… I realized that I never asked you what you wanted from me — throughout all of it. I was...I was upset that you didn’t share things with me, that you didn’t just tell me what you wanted but then I realized that I never asked you. Ever. I just did whatever I wanted and then wondered why you never told me anything about you.

“Remember that time I was hesitant about accepting the web-drama while doing the tour with EXO? And what you said to me — you said ‘What do you want to do, Kyungsoo. You should do what you want to do. You’ll do the work. You’ll feel it the most. If it’s what you want, then do it.’  Well, I think now it’s time for me to ask you. What do you want me to do? About us. Because it affects you too. You feel it just as much as I do. You’re going through this — so what do you want me to do?”

This definitely felt too heavy for 4:35am when the shine of the street lamp’s light was interrupted by the steady drops of rain that had begun to patter against the window pane.

“What do you want?

“Do you want me to give up?

“Do you want me to give you up and move on?

“Do you want me to forget about you?

“I can close my door at night and you can stop crying over dreams of me being hurt and we can delete the pictures for good and we won’t have each other’s secrets to keep anymore.

“Tell me what I should do, because I’m lost. I need to know what you want.”

What did you want? You wanted peace. You wanted a happy existence. You wanted him to be healthy and happy above all else and for you, you wanted…you wanted...

It was the question to end all questions. Six months ago the answer would have screamed at you. No, you didn’t want him to move on. You didn’t want him to leave your side. You wanted what he promised in the song. You wanted to be his forever and you wanted him to be yours.

But now? What did you want now?

“What do you want?” He said it again, only this time without the added speech.  

What do you want? It replayed in your head. It prodded you with its pointed tines. This time it felt more direct. Now more of a general question for your hopes and desires and less about how it would affect him when you answered.

“I—don’t know what I want, Kyungsoo. I’ve just been trying to survive for a while now. A lot has changed in my life.”

“Okay, so you don’t know. That’s… that can be an answer.” You could feel his chin over your shoulder as he nodded his head and spoke. “That’s not a yes. That’s not you telling me to give you up, right? You’re not telling me to move on. To forget you, right?”

“That’s … that’s a maybe, right?”

What? If ever there was a grand leap in logic it was happening in this man’s head right now. You let out the smallest chuckle at just how big of a reach he had made with your answer. Well after 4 in the damn morning.

A maybe.

If ever a maybe was flimsy, cheap, and shaky as hell then this was that maybe.

“Ask me what I want.” His voice lifted a bit and your small sleepy chuckle returned to seep out from your lips.

When you didn’t ask right away you felt the smallest nudge as he shook his chest and rattled you just enough to feel it. You had to roll your eyes at the persistence you always knew he had inside of him.

“What do you want, Kyungsoo?” Your delivery was flat and lifeless and you were so damn sleepy as you closed your eyes at the sight of a tiny sliver of sunlight peeking up over the horizon. What in the time did the sun rise in this country?

“You.”

You’d expected it. That didn’t lessen the impact any. Luckily your eyes were still closed and you didn’t have to look into his face as he said it.

“I want you to be with me. I want you to love me again — like you used to. God, I want your trust back. I want a time machine and about ten fewer beers that night. I want you. I want you to come to my house and stay there with me and I want ...just...y-you’re the only one I love. What do you want me to do? Tell me what to do.”