writer: paula1988 . beta:  galexyii

Title (2/5): I stared at the title for a long time after I was done reading all the current chapters that you have. And it saddens me that I can’t think of any connection between it and the whole story. It is highly probable that these ‘confessions’ are something that will be told later. However, the fact that the story already has six chapters and there is no hint of secrecy or clue that might lead to them is disappointing. Considering the title, I would assume that the ‘confessions’ would be a very huge thing, not only to Jihye but the people around her as well, meaning that it is major to the plot. Something as important as these should be hinted and developed from the earlier part of the story. If you indeed have mentioned or hinted them in any of the six chapters, I would say that they’re not clear enough for me to grasp. I’m not sure of what these ‘confessions’ and the secrets that she holds are all about. The good news is that, despite the long (and somewhat unrelatable) title, it does function in attracting a reader’s attention. This is mostly because of the mystery and curiosity of finding out about the ‘confessions’ and how they are important to the socialite’s daughter.

Poster/Background (3/5): The poster and background are okay. Since you’ve mentioned that it has abuse and , the ones that you have are able to portray the themes well. Nevertheless, the chapters that you have right now do not evoke or display the themes (yet). The writing is not as depressing/serious as I thought it would be when I first saw the poster and background, but the themes indeed do. Regardless, they’re still pretty and simple.

Description and Foreword (4/10): I like and don’t like it at the same time. Your description is somewhat bland but enough to inform readers of what to expect. It is simple and easy to read but also doesn’t excite or catch my attention. The description sounds like other stories with similar plot and characters. You end it with a statement that says “but with the price of fame set to haunt her, she has no clue what to do with her newfound fame.”, which is quite weak. You might intend to rouse a reader’s curiosity of how she’ll deal with her fame, but it might not work for all. You don’t give reasons on how she’s more relevant than other rich people nor do you give reasons for readers to care about her besides for her beauty and popularity that most rich people possess. I’m glad, however, that you did a bit of a twist (which in my opinion is not very impressive but okay) about her desire to be a “normal” girl at the very beginning, contradicting her situation (which could be a reason to care). This is possibly the one thing that might intrigue a reader in finding out more about her because she doesn’t seem to favor what she has.

**Tips: You could also include some quotes or dialogues to make it more interesting.

Plot (12/30): There’s a number of significant events that contribute to the plot, and I could see where the story is leading to, which is good. The thing is, I’m pretty sure we are still far from the main plot, despite your story having six chapters written. I’m not sure how you plan your writing considering your story contains of short chapters; therefore, it appears like a lot of things but it’s actually not. You’re building the plot by constructing sequence of events that will lead to the major plot, which I believe is Jihye’s popularity and how she deals with it, as well as blooming romance between her and the subject(s) of her love interest. Now, I will focus on some things/events that I think are not making sense and/or irrelevant.

First, I think it’s questionable that Jihye works as a waitress (Chapter 1) when she’s already very rich. I thought it was because they left their fortune behind as they moved to Paris, thus the need to have a job. But then it was revealed that she has a butler at home. The probability is she has her own very reasons to be working as a waitress, considering that she was born with silver spoon and it’s very unlikely for her to do that. Apparently, there’s no solid explanation given as to why she’s working except for it being something a “normal” citizen would do. Her worries of getting a job when she is in Korea is also unreasonable as she could be working with her family if she really wants to work, instead of ‘hoping’ to get one. I think it’s unnecessary and has little relevance to the story, unless you’re able to explain it.

Secondly, it’s never possible for them to be staying at BTS’s dorm, even within a short period of time. Sejin is a manager, someone BTS work with, not a family. It also involves privacy when it comes to this. It is more plausible that their short stay is at Sejin’s family. It should be his mother’s house instead of BTS’s dorm because she definitely wants to meet the woman her son is marrying. Even if Sejin no longer has a mother, it’s just unthinkable to stay there as it’s abusing the privacy of the artists he’s working with. I understand that her meeting with the members of BTS is very crucial to keep the plot going, but it should be planned better in the sense that it has to be logical and gradual. You can take your time and try to arrange it carefully instead of rushing their meeting.

Another event that I’d like to mention is about their stay at the hotel, which again, I find not necessary. The fact that they abruptly sold the house before their flight to Korea and stay at a hotel is also a bit weird. There’s nothing that happen during their stay there that can contribute to the plot except for, perhaps, the event in which Jihye models for the photographer (Chapter 3) when she’s wondering outside. I really hope this event has its own reason/significance in later chapters, or else it’ll be pointless.

The popularity of her family is also emphasis many times. You repeatedly remind the readers of their status, which is important as it relates closely to the main plot and the conflict Jihye will be facing later. However, it’s a bit disappointing that your portrayal of this popularity is not believable. Even with the brief explanation in Chapter 3, I don’t understand why their family is such a big issue and why everyone cares. You don’t really show how and why they are important figures. They are constantly being followed around by paparazzi when they’re in Korea, which in my honest opinion, is included and frequently pointed out mainly to give reasons for Jihye’s fear/discomfort of cameras and publicity. That is to raise a reader’s sympathy for her when she’ll become famous later as it is “not what she wants”, but it doesn’t. I don’t feel sympathy for her, because if this is something real big to her (something that she fears since she was very young until now and is the cause of her distress), I don’t see how she’ll able to change that in a brief time period. In my opinion, you’re forcing the idea of their status too much, and while I’m aware it is part of the plot building, it just doesn’t add up.

Characterization (9/30): It’s a story in progress and it’s not long in term of number of word, so there’s no prominent character development present (except for Jihye - the transition from her childhood to present). The characterization of the casts is sometimes inconsistent, especially Jihye. She is described as someone shy and very pretty, has a traumatizing past and dislike publicity. I could see her shyness and anxiety and you are able to tell the readers these traits quite well in some scenes (and you explained why). Except, perhaps during Chapter 3 in which she gets her photos taken because she is so quick to open up about herself even when the guy is a total stranger to her (which makes little sense). When she is meeting with the members of BTS, she’s very nervous. This is most likely caused by her shyness but her anxiousness is exaggerated, compared to her meeting other people (hint: the photographer guy). It appears to me that her nervousness is actually rooted on the boys themselves (and how this meeting could potentially lead to other things). She also falls into the category of a Mary Sue OC -- the fact that she owns money, born with fame and famous bloodlines, beautiful, can speak a few languages, growing up in overseas, acquaintances with a French soccer player and a son of businessman, soft-spoken and insensible, and people appear to like her for no reason at all besides for her “cuteness” and beauty. Her tragic past also function as part of the plot but more as something that should make readers pity her, which further the idea of her being a Mary Sue character. There’s not much memorable things about her. I can’t relate to Jihye as all I know of her is mostly external and superficial qualities instead of real personality that I can sympathize with. The inconsistency of her mother character is also present. It is improbable that she doesn’t talk and discuss with Jihye about moving back to Korea knowing well of her daughter’s struggle and her hatred of paparazzi that usually flocked them at the country. She is said to love Jihye and want to protect her but she changes in two seconds and forces Jihye to go back with her without considering her daughter’s feelings and opinions. Her action here is against her role of supportive and loving parent.

Other characters beside Jihye, including her mother, are flat characters. They don’t have remarkable roles and appear to be very one-dimensional. At certain point, I feel like they’re not human portrayal in the sense that they’re so lack of depth that humans have. I suggest that you look again into these because they make the story hard to connect.

**Tips: Construct all the characters while keeping in mind of their supposed role, motivation and purpose to make the characters feel alive.

Originality/Creativity (1/5): There’s nothing out of ordinary or exceptionally new in the story. In fact, the story of a rich but shy girl meeting other guys who are going to be her love interest is quite of an overused approach to writing fanfiction. One thing that might differ and add a bit of interest is Jihye’s abusive past as it could result to an internal conflict that will affect the plot.

Spelling, Vocabulary & Grammar (14/15): Congratulation! The writing is clean of any big errors. I’m reading with ease. The language use is easy to understand and very-straightforward. The reason I deduct one point is because some of the words use are too simple and they could be better. But overall, the spelling, vocabulary and grammar are good!

Flow (5/10): The pace of the story is very slow and fast at the same time. It is fast because there is a lot of events happening that lead to another but it is slow as well because it is still nowhere near the conflict yet. I expect more since there are six chapters but I can’t find anything strikingly important that urges me to keep going. Six chapters should be more than enough indicator for a reader to decide whether or not a story is deemed worthy of reading; therefore, it is crucial to not drag your plot too much.

Writing Style (5/15): The writing style is pretty emotionless. It doesn’t put me in the mood. Actions and feelings are told clearly but being told about it and experiencing it are two different things. You don’t infuse readers with the emotion they should be feeling at certain scenes. The writing style is not allowing readers to feel what the characters are feeling, creating a recognizable distance between them and readers. It’s monotonous and it makes the reading experience uninteresting. I’m also a bit distracted about the transition between the flashbacks and dream to the present. In my opinion, it will be more natural if you’re writing them without separating them using brackets. You can make connection between present and past in your writing without making it looks sudden.

**Tips: Perhaps you could use more adjectives to make your writing more descriptive. You might also want to improve your portrayal of Jihye’s emotions and thoughts so they become more accessible for readers to sympathize.

Overall Enjoyment (1/5): I didn’t really enjoy it, but it’s not that bad. I think the story is lacking at many elements, especially the plot and characterization. It could be better, but it needs a lot of attention.

TOTAL: 56/130

PERCENTAGE: 43%

GRADE: D

** Reviewer’s Note: I apologize if I was too harsh and insensitive in my review. You did great, you just need more improvement and experience in writing. Please remember that I’m not discrediting your hard work because I know writing is never an easy task. I don’t intend to discourage you either. I hope you keep in mind that the score I’m giving you is based on my thoughts on the quality of the story. If there’s anything that I might have done wrong in the review and you’re unsatisfied with it, please tell me. Thank you.