Sungyeol stared at Kai’s blog posts, wondering how that person could even cope every day. He sighed, and began to type up a comment:

When you think about it, people feel what you feel. Doesn’t that make you less alone?

He waited for a reply, but it never came.

<:>

Sungyeol was surprised when someone tossed a new tube of ointment on his lap. He looked up, and saw Hara, who was already standing beside him.

“What’s this for?” he asked softly.

“A replacement,” she answered. “I’m clear now, right?”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Clear? What do you mean?”

She raised her eyebrows, and crossed her slender arms. “I don’t have to pay you back anymore.”

Sungyeol scoffed. “You didn’t owe me anything in the first place.”

“Just take it,” she replied. “So that I’ll feel better.”

“Then what about me?” he asked. “Don’t you think that you’re making me uncomfortable by doing this?”

Her eyes sharpened up, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she proceeded to her desk and waited for the bell to ring. Sungyeol then realized that Goo Hara was the type who hated to be indebted to other people. He learned that her pride was what drove her to not speak out and to stand with confidence despite the things being said about her. He found it sad and noble at the same time, because he was aware how destructive pride could be.

“You,” Sungyeol began, loud enough for Hara to hear. “Nothing bad is happening to you, right?”

“People are bound to meet misfortunes one way or another,” she answered. “You don’t have to mind me anymore.”

“But I saw it,” he pointed out. Hara froze, and her face paled up. Her grip on the pen she was holding began to tighten so much that her blue veins started to protrude from her milky white skin. “Do you bruise easily?”

“Don’t mind me anymore,” she seethed through gritted teeth.

Sungyeol glanced at her, and didn’t bother to reply anymore. He sighed, and pulled out his headphones.

<:>

It was their English period when Sungyeol felt that his seatmate was struggling. He was a mediocre student all in all but his English skills were exceptional. Maybe it had something to do with his hobby, which was reading and writing. Their teacher was explaining away and when he glanced at Hara, she was blankly staring at her textbook with those deep eyes of hers. He noticed how her hand which held her pen was trembling, and after a few moments, her eyes began to glisten and her lips started to quiver.

A resonating snap then filled the quiet room, causing everyone to look at Hara. Sungyeol’s eyes widened when he realized that the pen she was holding earlier already broke into two.

“Goo Hara,” the teacher called out. “Is something wrong?”

She looked up at him with her unwavering stare. She blinked once, and tears threatened to emerge from her eyes.

“I’m fine,” she choked out. “I’m sorry for disrupting, Sir.”

<:>

Sungyeol decided to spend his lunch period in the library. He couldn’t be bothered to go to the crowded cafeteria or to even hang out with Daeyeol and his friends, despite his dongsaeng’s invitation. In the library, it was quiet, and time seemed to stop for him. The distinct smell of books and varnish coming from the mahogany shelves entered his senses, making him feel nostalgic. He smiled a little to himself, and proceeded to go to an empty desk when he noticed Hara, sitting in a corner with papers sprawled on the table in front of her. Her eyebrows were beginning to meet out of sheer concentration and her lips were pursed, much to Sungyeol’s amusement.

He looked around him, and seeing that they were alone, he decided to approach her.

“Antony and Cleopatra,” he began. “Do you think they love each other?”

Hara paused, and her eyes traveled from the desk to his face. “Why are you here again?”

“Are you okay now?” he fired.

“I’ll be okay once you leave me,” she snapped.

“Then I guess you’ll feel miserable this lunch period,” he returned with a smile. He wasn’t really mischievous, but his dongsaeng might have influenced him in the past years of his life.

Hara sighed, and began to gather her things. Sungyeol stopped her by weighing down his arm on the paper she was yet to touch.

“You were about to cry earlier,” he pointed out in a serious tone. “And the pen even snapped.”

“It’s none of your business,” she breathed out. “Get your arm out of my notes.”

“If you’re struggling with English I can always help you.”

“I don’t need it.”

Sungyeol pondered for a moment, and said, “You know…sometimes being dependent is good, too.”

“It would be best,” she murmured. “If you don’t take notice of me anymore.”

Sungyeol stared at Hara, and seeing that she wouldn’t budge, he gave up. He lifted his arm and she carried on taking her notes and arranging them in a single bulk. She shoved her things in her canvas backpack and stormed off the library.

He looked up at the modern white ceiling which clashed with the dark tones of the room. He wondered if it was normal for human beings to want what they can’t have and pursue what they shouldn’t pursue. He wondered why after hearing Hara’s refusal of help, his urge in getting close to her got stronger. It amused him in a bizarre way. The more Hara distanced herself away from him, the more he wanted to grab a hold of her and unravel the mysteries she kept from the world.

<:>

“Hyung!” Daeyeol called out, that dismissal in the afternoon. He was holding a basketball.

Sungyeol heard his voice, and so he craned his neck to look at his dongsaeng. “What is it?”

He stopped, and showed Sungyeol the ball. “I’ll go and play basketball for a minute,” he explained, grinning. “I’m going with my friends. Can you tell Mom I’ll be a little late?”

“Yeah, sure,” the older one answered. “Take care on your way.”

“Thanks, hyung!” Daeyeol exclaimed. “I’ll see you later!”

Sungyeol smiled a little and watched his younger brother run towards his waiting friends by the main gate. He looked up at the pale, January sky and inhaled the crisp air. Spring was coming, and for some reason, Sungyeol anticipated the warm sunshine and colorful flowers that would pop out from the once frozen ground.

He looked straight ahead again, and paused when he caught a glimpse of Hara, already walking briskly, with her hair bouncing behind her with every step she made. Sungyeol’s wanderlust and curiosity kicked in, so like a cat, he decided to follow her.

<:>

He tailed her from a safe distance, hiding in every nook and cranny he could find whenever Hara took an occasional glance in his direction. His eyes were fixed on her back, and he wondered why he was doing something like this on a whim. It wasn’t like him to follow girls in a cold afternoon, and it wasn’t like he felt something intimate towards Hara. He was purely curious as to what kind of girl she was outside school.

Soon, the alleyways became unfamiliar, and the sky became darker. He wondered how long she would carry on walking and out of paranoia, Sungyeol even suspected that Hara was aware about him following her. His suspicion cleared out, however, when she stopped in front of a convenience store. He hid behind a post and when she entered, he decided to wait for her shift to end in the coffee shop opposite the store she was in, since he didn't feel like going home yet.

Five hours later, she exited the shop. In a rush, he wore his scarf around his neck and threw his coffee cup in the bin. It was already dark, as it was already ten in the evening. Still, that didn’t stop Sungyeol from following Hara.

They were a few good meters away from the store when Hara paused. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough tailing me around?”

Sungyeol froze, but didn’t reply. She scoffed, and added, “Sungyeol, I know you’re there. I saw you from the very beginning.”

He blushed, but stepped out of the shadows anyway. “Why didn’t you say anything then?”

Hara looked back at him, and shrugged. “I was curious as to how long you’ll put up with this.”

“Interesting,” Sungyeol returned.

“Haven’t you had enough?” she asked.

“Do you live around this area?”

She sighed, and continued on walking without even bothering to answer his question. Sungyeol took a step forward, and she paused again. In a snap, she turned around and stared him down with her honest eyes.

“I know you’re lonely, but don’t go following random people around,” she warned.

“Who says I’m lonely?” he returned.

“Walk away now, Sungyeol,” she said. “And don’t tail me in the future.”

The both of them looked at each other in the eye, and being aware that Hara meant business, Sungyeol nodded and walked away.

<:>

“Is Daeyeol here yet?” Sungyeol asked, the moment he entered their house.

“Not yet,” his Mom answered, as she walked out from the kitchen to greet her son. “And where have you been?!”

“I was with a friend,” he said. “Daeyeol’s with his friends, by the way. They’re playing basketball.”

“All right,” she replied. “Have you eaten yet?”

“I’ll eat later,” Sungyeol returned. “I’ll just go upstairs for now.”

“Sungyeol-ah,” his Mom blurted out.

He looked at her, and asked, “What is it, Mom?”

“Do you know what’s happening with the sleeping pills in the bathroom lately?”

Sungyeol narrowed his eyes, and shrugged. “I don’t know. What about it?”

His Mom placed her thumb under her chin thoughtfully, and said, “I noticed that it became less.”

“I never touched it, though,” he pointed out. “Maybe Dad or Daeyeol dropped it while taking something else and didn’t tell you. You do know how loose its cover is, don’t you?”

“I guess you’re right,” she agreed. “I’ll go and ask them later on.”

“You do that,” Sungyeol said. Seeing that he was finally free, he ran upstairs and closed the door behind him. He tossed his bag on the floor and rushed over to his shelf which contained the books he had collected over the years. He ran his index finger through the neat line of spines and finding the thick book he was looking for, he pulled it out and flipped it open. It was an old encyclopedia, with its numerous pages glued together on both sides, dividing it perfectly in half. A huge chunk of the glued pages was snipped away at the center, forming a tiny compartment and in there rested a poly bag with the sleeping pills he took from the bathroom, one at a time.

He took one whenever he felt like he wanted to die. Seeing the amount of pills he had gathered, he figured that his suicidal thoughts were something else. He figured that he was thinking about death more than he should have. Sungyeol took in a deep breath, and kept the book in its rightful place.

Exactly, Daeyeol entered the room.

“I’m home now!” he said, grinning. “Hyung, can I borrow your puncher?”

“It’s over there,” Sungyeol pointed at his study table.

“Ah, thanks,” he replied. “By the way, Mom asked me if I dropped some of the sleeping pills earlier.”

“What did you say?”

“I admitted it,” he answered, the grin not leaving his lips. “I did knock it down before, after all.”

“You should be careful next time,” Sungyeol advised. He looked at his brother, and his eyes widened upon seeing how red Daeyeol’s neck became. “What happened there?”

Daeyeol looked at what his hyung was pointing at, and his grin grew wider as he poked his neck. “I was cold earlier so I borrowed my friend’s scarf. I had an allergic reaction. I think it was wool or something. You know how sensitive my skin is, right?”

“Don’t be careless,” Sungyeol snapped.

“I won’t, I won’t,” Daeyeol returned, laughing a little as he waved the puncher in front of him. “I’ll return this to you later on, hm?”

Sungyeol nodded, and his younger brother left the room.

“How was your day, Sungyeol?” he asked himself, when all that he could hear was the droning frequency in his ears and the sound of television from downstairs.

<:>

Blog Post 94

By: Kai

Today I tried to do something that will bring me one step closer to what I’ve always been yearning for. In the end, I chickened out. If only things could be easier, then I can escape this hellhole I’m in.

<:>

Sungyeol read and reread Kai’s blog post. He was surprised, however, when someone commented on the post.

Try to be braver. I’ve the feeling that you’re running away from your problem instead of tackling it head on.

He was amused by this comment, and he became even more amused when he saw the stranger’s alias: Sunshine

Sungyeol then decided to comment as well when he received a private message from Kai:

Mr. Owl, I’ve something to tell you.

He pondered for a moment, and decided to reply on the message, first.

What is it?

Today, I tried to kill myself.

Sungyeol’s eyes widened.

Why would you even think on doing that, Kai?

Because I’m tired.

Can’t you consider what your loved ones would have to get through if they lost you?

Suicidal people are selfish. I’ve long accepted that fact.

Kai…

You’re selfish, Mr. Owl.

Something struck Sungyeol when he read Kai’s reply. Biting his lip, he decided to give a reply.

What made you stop?

Someone followed me.

Sungyeol’s eyes widened, and he couldn’t help but to think of Hara. Why, all of a sudden, did he feel like he was talking to her all this time?

What did you do then, Kai?

I told him to walk away.

Did he?

Yeah.

And you didn’t continue to do what you were supposed to do?

His eyes scared me.

How come?

He made me think that killing myself was something disgusting.

Did he know it?

I think so. I don’t know.

You think you’ll meet him again?

Kai has logged off--

"Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling."
- Proverbs 16:18