You have a smile that makes the world stop spinning for a second. It also ended me along the way somehow.

-

I started my summer job straight after graduation. Nothing big or grand to brag about, really. It was just a job at the local supermarket, something close to a filler while I applied for a job that I could imagine myself sticking with for a few years at least. A kind of job that wouldn’t make me hate waking up in the morning and at least put some money on the table.

Long story short, I started the job a few days before Christmas (peak season oh lord), a couple of months after a break up, and a few weeks before we happened. Little did I know at that time that I’d walk home holding your hands and laughing into your chest in a few weeks’ time. Little did I also know that somewhere down the line you’d break my heart and tear me to pieces.

You and Yunho were the first two people I met on my first day. You were the broody one, while Yunho was the chatty one who just couldn’t shut up. I didn’t think much of you after the first day. We merely exchanged pleasantries and the conversation between us never went beyond anything substantial. And yet, I took to you because of your smile.

You didn’t smile much, but when you did I could feel my heart hammering in my chest. I’ve never been one to admit this to people openly. Here it goes anyway— Shim Changmin, you’ve got one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever come across and there’s that. (Well, there’s obviously more to that. We’ll get there eventually.)

I would annoy you just because there would be a ghost of a smile shortly followed by that grimace you’d pull. I would say dumb on purpose just to put a smile on your face. It was addictive to a point; your smile. It made the 8-hour shifts so much more bearable. I couldn’t get enough of your smile. I realized that when I would check the roster every Sunday, hoping that I’d get at least 3 shifts with you. Believe it or not, I would go there on my day offs (only if you were working, of course) just to see your face breaking into a smile.

“You love this place, don’t you?” You asked, shaking your head upon seeing me pushing the trolley full of groceries.

“Just because I’m buying stuff to ensure my survival does not mean I love being here, Changmin,” I replied, rolling my eyes just to get at you.

“Surely,” you nodded your head, obviously in disbelief.

“Shim,” Yunho’s voice startled us both, “can you please get back to work instead of flirting with customers?”

“Hey, it’s nothing like—”

“I believe you,” Yunho mumbled, amusement in his voice as his lips were pursed.

You gave me a quick wave before disappearing behind the counter to serve a customer who was pointing at the Chocolate Deluxe Gateaux. Yunho only gave me a quirked eyebrow to which I shrugged my shoulders.

“Before you jump into conclusions, we’re not like that.”

“Like what?”

“You know,” I tried weakly.

“I don’t actually,” Yunho grinned, having fun with this interrogation, “enlighten me please.”

“You know what,” I decided not to play along. I could feel my cheeks blushing for god knows what reasons and Yunho had always seemed intimidating to me. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

“Damn, I was waiting for your explanation,” he called out as I pushed the trolley away. I couldn’t stop grinning to myself for some reasons.

-

I remember sitting on your lab as we waited for your bus and telling you that you had the most beautiful smile. I remember you flashing me a sheepish smile, saying that no one had ever said anything like that to you before. I remember feeling warm and fuzzy inside, thinking this is what falling in love probably feels like.

“I just like it,” I said slowly, breaking into a wide grin. “It just lights up my world, you know.”

“Yoona,” you mumbled softly; your gaze so tender, your smile so beautiful, “you’ve really got a way with words.”

“I’m only stating the truth,” I said, cupping your cheeks and giggling as you pulled me in closer.

“Well, you’ve got a beautiful smile, too.”

“Yeah?” I asked, pursed lips and closed eyes.

“Yeah,” you breathed before closing the distance.

I could feel your lips quirked up in a smile against mine, sending shivers down my body and pulling the corners of my lips up as well.

-

I remember a time when outsiders looking at us having eye contact would be able to tell that we had a thing. I remember a time when your smile— your real and genuine smile, not the ‘how can I help you today’ kind of smile— would be for me (and me only).

I was walking along the sweets section with a basket full of groceries on my left and Tiffany— a best friend of mine who just flew back to Seoul for a visit from the States— on my right.

“So you’re dating your colleague?” Tiffany squealed, attracting curious glances from passers-by.

“Keep it down, Tiff,” I almost hissed, knowing beforehand it was a mistake to let her tag along. Tiffany would cause a scene and demand to be introduced to you in person. Of that, I was sure.

“And he’s two years younger??”

“Please don’t make me regret this,” I literally begged as the guys in Produce were raising their eyebrows at me, especially Johnny with whom I would occasionally go on break with.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just need to know.”

“Yes, I’m dating my colleague and he’s two years younger indeed.”

It wasn’t something I was able to admit out loud until about one month into the relationship.

I was always the responsible one, the level-headed one, the one who’d date someone who’s a few years older and has a stable job. Someone I could imagine myself being together with for as long as forever goes perhaps. No one in my circle of friends thought I’d go for a colleague, let alone a freshman who just got into college. I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve never been one to go into a relationship with someone knowing our forever consists of numbered days.

“You deserve happiness, especially after that guy last year. He was a total piece of —”

Tiffany stopped the moment you spotted me in the crowd and broke into the kind of smile that could simply outshine the stars.

“Oh,” she whispered, letting out an inaudible sigh, “damn that’s a smile.”

You rushed over to us and gave me a quick hug.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” you noted, grinning from ear to ear though.

“Yeah, I was just in town doing some shopping with Tiffany.”

“Nice to finally meet you, Changmin,” Tiffany stuck out her hand, “I’ve heard a lot of things about you,”

“Good things only I hope,” you narrowed your eyes at me while shaking her head.

“So far so good,” Tiffany winked.

“Well, I’m relieved,” you laughed, giving my hand a firm squeeze before rushing back to serve a customer. “I’ll see you later, if you’re still planning to pick me up when I finish.”

I only nodded in a response. I definitely had one of those smiles on my lips, too.

“Damn,” Tiffany mumbled, “he’s got such a damn beautiful smile but it’s for you only. Yoona, I’m so happy for you. Look at your smile, you’re in love and glowing.”

The “in love” part might be a tad bit questionable, but I was definitely glowing. Whenever I saw you, I’d just automatically break into a smile. I couldn’t help it.

-

Your smile stopped having that magic to it. Sadly enough, you stopped having that power to make my lips curl upwards, too.

It was a Monday and Mondays have been known for giving you a bad mood. You pulled a grimace for the whole shift, not saying a single word. You wouldn’t even look at me. My attempts to make you crack a smile went unnoticed.

“Babe,” I whispered, looking around to make sure our supervisor was not around.

You looked up at me, shaking your head slightly. “If you’re going to ask me to smile, I’m not going to.”

“Come on,” I scrunched up my nose cutely. “Just one smile for me, please?”

“Yoona, just leave it. Don’t get on my nerves.”

“I’m just trying to make you feel better.”

“Well, you aren’t. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Okay,” I said, feeling the unshed tears springing to my eyes. “I’m sorry for trying for the last few hours. I’m sorry.”

I stalked off straight after, ignoring the “hey, I didn’t mean it that way”.

I’ve never felt so powerless. The truth is I realized that I wasn’t enough to make you smile anymore. In the past, the mere sight of me would make you smile. On that day, I realized that things have changed and I no longer had that power within me. I used to smile upon seeing you as well, and yet I just felt this heavy stone clenching my chest whenever I did.

-

Shim Changmin, maybe your smile is one of the reasons why we ended, or rather the absence of your smile (of that trademark smile that makes your eyes look a tiny bit softer) is what threw us off balance.