7. THE R-WORD

I remembered being unconscious. Just for a few minutes.

But a lot could go down in two minutes, Woo Jiyoung was a living proof of that. I remembered coming to my senses and realizing that I was on the floor. The turquoise chair had been knocked over. It was lying there, on the floor in front of me. Its backrest was against the wooden floor.

I remembered looking up and seeing him on top of me. And as I looked up, I saw my bare legs, spread before him.

At first it hadn’t even came to me. Maybe it was because I was still waking up from getting pushed against the open cupboard. That had caused the wound on my temple. That had also knocked me out.

At that point it had felt unreal. Like it couldn’t be happening. I was one hundred percent sure that it couldn’t be real life, that I must have been dreaming. That, surely nothing like this would ever happen to me.

But when I had looked into his eyes which were shut off by something dark and twisted, I realized that it was really happening. That’s when I had started to fight my way out.

I stared at the faded scratches on his cheek. My stomach was turning upside down out of disgust and fear and I knew I was gonna be sick right there if I kept looking at him any longer. I tilted my head down and froze. My neck turned into stone. I knew what I must’ve looked to any outsider who saw me sitting there. They had to see it in me. They had to see what had happened between us - what he had done to me.

After I had realized what he was doing, I started to scream my lungs out. I screamed so loud that it hurt my throat, like a million knives had been pushed through my neck. I remembered him telling me to shut my face, he sounded so angry. And wasted. Altogether out of it.

He had pushed my hands against the ground. Then he had forced himself between my legs.

And I remembered crying.

Scratching the floor to get my hands free.

And when I finally got them free, I had scratched his face. And pulled my knees up. And that was when I managed to escape from under him.

I felt his glare on my face. It was like tiny little needles were poking me all over my body. I was furious. And I was terrified. But beyond all, I was confused.

Why had he sat down in my table?

I tried to look up but my neck was stiff. I only got to the midway point when I ran out of strength and mobility. My breathing was slowly growing hysterical. I thought I was having a panic attack.

That was when another figure walked over to my table. I couldn’t see who it was. All I could do was stare at the table cloth and the empty glass on top of it.

”Hey, I’m sorry I - ” he started, but his voice faded out when he noticed my expression. ”Jennie?”

I couldn’t speak. Why didn’t the man in front of me say anything? Surely he had something to say? Why else would he sit down at my table?

I tried to calm down my breathing but I no longer had any control over it. What I could do, was stand up slowly while holding on to the table, turn on my heels and walk off. And that’s what I did.

”Jennie, what’s wrong? I’m sorry about the earlier, it’s just a lot to take in, you know.”

I picked up my pace. Why had he sat down there? Didn’t he feel any remorse? Didn’t he have a conscience?

Hanbin caught me up and blocked the entrance door by standing on my way. I still couldn’t lift up my head.

”Hey -”

He placed his hand on top of mine.

I shuddered and pulled my arm away.

It took him surprisingly long to catch on what had happened. I desperately wanted to look up, to see what he was thinking, but my neck wouldn’t obey me. I wanted to see what was going on in his head, like he could see what was going on in mine.

I managed to open my mouth. ”I - please let me out - ”

In a second, he was out of my way. I walked out of the pub.

All my wounds had been ripped open. I was bleeding again. I was bleeding out on the street and I didn’t know how to suppress it. I didn’t know how to patch myself back together. I didn’t know if it was even possible anymore.

I collapsed against a tall apartment building when I felt like I couldn’t breathe any longer. The air in me was running out.

Why… why did he look so expressionless? I wanted to know, why? All I could think of was why?

Why?

I pressed my thighs together, like they could somehow melt into one. I could hear a police car siren.

Time passed. 

I tried my best to breathe. In and out. Just like doing yoga. My thighs felt sore. My neck was aching like I was holding a pile of rocks on top of my head. The pain was traveling around my body, visiting my head, then going down to my legs and my lower stomach. It swam in me like a shoal of mackerels.

Time passed, yet it felt like I was frozen in it. I could hear people arguing somewhere. Someone was yelling. Telling the other one to rot in hell.

I closed my eyes and focused on forgetting.

Time passed.

”I’m here when you’re ready”, a soft voice spoke next to me. There was a good distance between us, I could hear it from his voice. A meter or so.

And when I heard his voice, I bursted into tears.

”The cops took him away.”

I tried to lift my head up. Still couldn’t.

”They wanted to speak to you but I told them you could do it later.”

”I ca-an’t”, I sobbed. ”Pl-ease-”

”You don’t have to, shh”, he said quickly.

I hiccuped and tried to catch my breath. The feeling, it was getting overwhelming. I almost couldn’t bear it. My chest felt like it was about to explode.

I lifted up my shaking hands, reaching towards the familiar voice. And he was there to bury me in his embrace as soon as he knew I was able to take it. The warmth didn’t feel uncomfortable. I buried my face against his shoulder and shuddered. ”I - I f-eel like - I ca-an’t breathe - ”

Hanbin my back and squeezed me closer to him. ”Let’s get inside.”

He helped me up from the ground and lead me through the darkness. All I could see was our feet moving, side by side. He was wearing black vans shoes. I was wearing white sneakers.

I came back to my senses when a door clicked somewhere behind me. The lights were flicked on and I recognized Hanbin’s apartment. He was in the kitchen, filling up a glass of water.

”Drink it.”

I did as I was told.

”And take this.”

I looked at the white pill in his hand. My shaking hand reached to take it.

”It’ll help you sleep”, he said.

I put the pill on top of my tongue and managed to wash it down with water.

Hanbin flicked off the lights in the living room. Then he checked that the front door was locked. All that time, I stood in the kitchen, leaning over the sink incase I’d suddenly get sick.

I listened carefully as he washed his face and teeth in the bathroom. I was certain that he didn’t know how he was supposed to handle all this. Because I sure as hell didn’t. I was surprised that he knew well enough to act pretty normal. It really helped me to come back to this planet again. Just like last time, right after it all had went down. He somehow knew that throwing himself off the cliff wasn’t going to make it easier for anyone. He had to show me, in one way or another, that life still went on. He was brushing his teeth in the bathroom, because that’s what he did every night. That was his way of showing me that life still continued. That all that had happened to me, couldn’t bother me forever. That it was all up to me, whether I would decide to brush my teeth or not.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt him touch my wrist. It was a test to see if I minded his touch. ”Hey.”

The pill was finally kicking in. I felt my neck muscles relax and give in as I lifted my head to look at him. His eyes were tired, but his lips were curved into the most soothing and gentle smile I had ever seen. ”Hey", I croaked.

Hanbin took a deep breath as he looked into my eyes. I had no idea what he was seeing, but whatever it was, it made him look sad. Not the kind of sad that almost looked like empathy - the kind of sad that actually broke your heart.

Then he held my hand and lead me to the bedroom. A silent sound of sniffling filled the room as he closed the door behind me. Hanbyul was fast asleep, curled up to the other end of the bed. I knew why Hanbin had brought me to his place, and not taken me back to my aunt’s.

I knew that at that moment in time, there wasn’t a place where I would’ve felt more safe than here. He knew that. He knew that he was my blanket fort.

It was so dark in the room, that all I could see was a faint silhouette of his body against the window. The streetlights were pushing in through the blinds. I peeled off my jeans and climbed up on the bed. Hanbin took something from under the bed.

He spread out a mattress on the floor and took a pillow from the bed. Then he threw a blanket over it. ”You sleep on the bed, I’ll be right