"It's funny how I got exactly what I want

I'll try to have some fun some other time.

I thought money was enough, it's just a temporary rush

I'll try to go find some other high."

 

Jaemin and Jeno has been fighting nonstop for the past few months. The latter didn't know why but he would easily get irritated at whatever the younger boy does. He just can't seem do anything right. It came to a point where Jeno won't want to go home and spend his late nights at a bar flirting at whatever comes across his way.

 

Nights would come that Jeno comes home super drunk and smelling like another person. Jaemin would still be waiting for him, swallowing his tears until at least he gets his boyfriend cleaned up and resting in bed. After that, Jaemin would sleep in the couch, crying himself to sleep.

 

This became their routine until finally, Jeno has had enough... or so he think.

 

Jen❤: Jaemin, let's meet later after work. We need to talk.

 

That was all Jeno said in his text message but it already break Jaemin's heart. He's just Jaemin. No baby. No Babe. No Nana. Just Jaemin. The day that he's been afraid of has finally come. No matter how long he's been preparing himself it would never stop his heart from breaking into a thousand pieces.

 

It becomes too difficult for Jaemin to concentrate at work. He goes home early and starts to pack his luggage and returns his things to his old apartment. He braces himself for what is to come when he arrives at the café where they first met.

 

"Have you been waiting long?" Jaemin asks as he takes a seat across his boyfriend.

 

Jeno shakes his head. "I just arrived a few minutes earlier. Do you want to order something?"

 

Jaemin thinks about it. "Sure." He agrees even if he doesn't really want to eat or drink anything.

 

"Two Iced Americanos please." Jeno says to the waiter. He sighs as the server leaves. "Jaemin..." he finally starts.

 

Jaemin grips the sides of his chairs tight. "Just say it, Jeno."

 

"I'm sorry." Jeno lowers his head.

 

"Don't you love me anymore?" Jaemin tries his best not to shake.

 

Jeno bites his lower lip. "I-I'm just not so sure anymore Jaemin. We've been fighting nonstop for the past few months. It got so bad that I didn't want to come home. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person but now... I always get so stressed that I want to drink till I pass out. I-I'm just not happy anymore."

 

Jaemin chuckles sarcastically. "What about me? Did you think I was living in a ing paradise these past few months? Have you even thought about what I've been feeling? You think you drink till you pass out? How do you ing get home? Fighting every day and every night, finding the strength to hold on even though you go home drunk as smelling like another girl or another boy? You don't think I notice? I'm not stupid Jeno. But I chose to hold on. I chose to love you even though you made it very hard for me to do just that."

 

"I'm sorry." Jeno lowers his head once more, finally feeling guilty.

 

A few tears finally escapes from Jaemin's eyes but he quickly wipes them away. "I don't want your sorry Jeno. I never wanted anything but a life and a future with you. All I wanted to be was the one that makes you happy."

 

"I used to want that too Jaemin." Jeno finally feels a stab in his chest. "But things changed. I'm just not happy anymore."

 

Jaemin scoffs. "I can see that Jeno. I'm not blind." The waiter finally returns with their drinks and as soon as he leaves, the younger boy stands up. "Goodbye Jeno."

 

Isn't it ironic? They ended things at the place where they started everything.

 

Jeno watches as Jaemin leaves the café with his head down. He finally got what he wants, didn't he? He's been wanting his freedom for a while now and he finally got it. It was what he wanted, right? But why does he feel empty looking at the untouched iced Americano across him.

 

Not wanting to feel anymore sadness because of Jaemin, Jeno drives home as quickly as possible. But when he arrived, he begins to panic. Thinking that Jaemin is still there packing his things, or worse, what if his things are not there. When he slowly opens the door, all the light are off. There's no trace of Jaemin anywhere nothing but stillness and quiet inside his house. Jeno looks around and all picture frames of him and Jaemin in the living room are nowhere to be found. The ones displayed in their bedroom are gone too. The closet that used to be full of their clothes are now half-empty. It took 15 minutes Jeno to drive home and to see the house as clean and as empty as when he arrived means that Jaemin already packed his things even before they met at the café. He already saw what was coming.

 

Jeno feels that stabbing in his heart again. He doesn't know what was causing this and he sure as hell doesn't want to come home to a place as cold as his. He picks up his phone right away.

 

"Renjun, are you free tonight?" Jeno says as soon as someone answers the phone.

 

A bunch of cars can be heard from the other side. "Yeah. Did you finally get dumped? I'm free later."

 

"Not exactly but yeah I'm single again." Jeno says as cheerfully as he can even though he feels quite the opposite.

 

"Oh damn! I guess Jaemin finally got tired of your whiny ." Renjun teases, not knowing that the younger is feeling confused as . "We're gonna get our party on later. Pick you up in two hours."

 

Renjun and Jeno arrive at the usual club they usually hang out at and as usual, it's swamped with party goers looking for a good time. They're looking for a good time as well. But for some reason, today feels so different for Jeno. He didn't want to be in this place. He can't erase the memory of Jaemin's pained expression from the café, or the feeling of the cold and unwelcoming home greeting him earlier.

 

"C'mon Jeno!" Renjun wraps his arms around his shoulders. "We are gonna get super drunk tonight!"

 

Jeno laughs. "Don't we do that every night?"

 

"Yeah, but tonight it'll be different since you my boy are free!" Renjun rejoices. "So... are we gonna start from the light drinks?"

 

Jeno turns serious, so serious that his friend finally notices that there's something wrong with him. "No, let's go straight to the hard drinks."

"Uh.... A-alright." Renjun stutters. "I'll be right back."

 

Jeno looks around the deafening place. Nothing about it excites him anymore. For the first time in a long time, all he wants to do is go home and lay down on his bed. But somehow, thinking of going home in an empty house puts a lump in his throat.

 

"Here you go." Renjun places down a tray of shot glass with vodka and glasses of rum.

 

Jeno gulps the first shot. "No one is allowed in our booth tonight Injun." He says as swallows the alcoholic drink.

 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Renjun looks concerned at his friend.

 

"Nope." Jeno says as he gulps another shot, "I'm fine Renjun. I'm super fine. I mean... this is what I wanted right?"

 

Renjun finally takes his first shot. "Alright. I'll take your excuses for now."

 

The next morning, Jeno wakes up with the usual brain-splitting headache and trying to stop himself from throwing up. He looks at his surroundings and realizes that the room looks familiar but it's not where he expected to be.

 

"Oh, you're awake." Renjun comes in the room with a hot cup of coffee. "Here... you look like ."

 

Jeno grabs the cup of coffee. "Thanks. Why didn't you send me home last night?" he looks at his watch. "! It's late! Jaemin's gonna kill me for not going home."

 

"Jeno..." Renjun's face suddenly fill with worry. "You broke up with Jaemin. The reason why I didn't send you home is because you begged me not to."

 

Realization hits Jeno. "Oh..." his face suddenly falls. "That's right." He scrambles to his feet. "Well, I better get going then. Thanks for letting me crash here."

 

Renjun stops him. "Are you gonna be okay alone?"

 

"Yeah." Jeno forces out a smile, giving him the cup of untouched coffee back. "I'll be fine Renjun. I'll see you later."

 

Jeno comes home and that unwanted feeling is there again. Was it always like this? He can't even remember a time where Jaemin is not in his life. It was the reason he got fed up. There was no thrill in his life anymore."

 

"Stop crying ." Jeno wipes the tear the rolls down his face. "You wanted this. it up. It's probably just guilt."

 

Jeno's life continuously becomes a routine after that; waking up, going to work, drinking himself to sleep and then repeat. Sometimes he drinks with Renjun, sometimes alone in his own home anything that can make him forget about Jaemin. But no matter what he does, he will always be in his mind.

 

"You're staring at his face again." Renjun sighs. "Jeno, I think you should open up about this."

 

Jeno puts down his phone, where he's staring a picture of him and Jaemin. "What's there to open up about Renjun? I was happy with him, and then I was not. I tried fixing it but it still wasn't enough. I broke up with him and now we're here. What's there to talk about?"

 

"Did you really try fixing it?" Renjun uses a voice the younger one never heard before. "All you did was get yourself drunk every night. Making out with anyone that flirts with you at the club. Going home and leaving Jaemin to clean up your ing mess. That was definitely not fixing it."

 

Jeno flinches at the older one's voice. "You sound like you have a problem with me."

 

"I do." Renjun grits his teeth. "I really ing do Lee Jeno. Na Jaemin is the purest person I have ever know and you are so lucky that the one he loves is you. You are so lucky that he stuck out for you even after all the you put him through." he takes a deep breath. "Do you know why I tolerate all of your bull? It's because you're my best friend. I want to see you happy. That's why I fully supported you when you broke up with him." He sees his friend trying to open up another bottle of beer and he sighs. "Alright, that's it. We're going out. Get dressed you need a little sun. You're looking pale."

 

Renjun drives Jeno to the café. The café that the younger one now hates. Every place is now meaningless for him. Because it's either he's been there with Jaemin or he's gonna be thinking of going there with Jaemin. 

 

"Renjun, why did you bring me here? You know how I hate this place." Jeno grits his teeth. 

 

"Oh, it up. You wanted to break up with Jaemin, now learn to live with the consequences of your own stupidity." Renjun scolds him. "We're gonna be here for a few minutes. I'm meeting a friend."

 

Renjun pulls a disheveled looking Jeno inside and immediately sees the person he's looking for. 

 

"I hope you don't mind but I also brought along a friend of mine." Yukhei smiles. "He's just at the restroom."

 

Renjun smiles back. "That's fine. My friend needs some sun too. It's been a while Xuxi. How have you been?"

 

"I'm good. I got back from China a few weeks ago." Yukhei answers and sees Jeno slumps his head on the table. "Err... is your friend okay?"

 

"He's going through a bad break-up." Renjun explains. 

 

Yukhei nods in understanding. "Oh..." he sees his friend finally coming out of the restroom. "Hey! Come here I want you to meet someone!"

 

"Hi-"

 

Jeno scrunches his eyes shut tight. "Renjun, we need to go. I'm hearing his voice again. I told you I don't want to be here."

 

"You two know each other?" Yukhei asks the boy next to him, who nods at him.

 

Jaemin forces out a smile. "Hi Renjun."

 

Jeno looks at his friend, his head still glued to the table. "Renjun, let's go please. I'm hearing Jaemin's voice again. Please, let's just go. It sounds too real."

 

"Jeno..." Jaemin finally calls to him, forcing him to raise his head and sees the person his heart has been looking for.

 

Jeno chuckles. "I must be losing my mind. Now, I even see him in front of me."

 

"He's real Jeno." Renjun finally speaks even though his eyes still show the shock. "He's really here."

 

Jaemin sees how much of a mess Jeno is looking at the moment; eyes that looks like it needs sleep, hair that needs to be combed up and a body that needs to be fed. 

 

"Yukhei, can we go home please?" Jaemin finally looks at the boy next to him again.

 

"Home?" Jeno says a little louder. "You two live together?"

 

Jaemin didn't like what he heard in the boy's voice. "And what do you care who I live with? Have you forgotten who wanted me to leave?" he feels tears threatening to come out of his eyes. "Yukhei please... let's go home."

 

"Alright." Yukhei agrees when he saw the pain in the younger one's eyes. "Renjun, let's catch up some other time."

 

 

Jeno watches as Jaemin leaves him again at the same café as he did a few weeks ago. But this time, he didn't want him to. And he certainly didn't like it when he's walking away with a pair of another man's arms are wrapped around him.

 

"I need a drink." Jeno declares as he stands up.

 

"Jeno, I think you should slow down." Renjun tries to stop him.

 

Jeno balls his fist. "Are you ing coming or not?" he growls.

 

Not wanting to leave him by himself, Renjun agrees and accompanies Jeno to a bar who immediately downs himself with alcohol. He continues to watches Jeno destroy himself but what can he do? The boy didn't see how much of a treasure he had with Jaemin and now he has to live with that. 

 

Renjun steps into the bathroom for a bit but when he comes back, Jeno was nowhere to be found. He could only think of one person to call at the moment.

 

"Jaemin?" Renjun says as a form of greeting."

 

"Renjun?" Jaemin sounds surprised since they never really talked during the time that he was with Jeno.

 

Renjun bites his lip. "Look, I'm really sorry to bother you but I need your help. Jeno's missing."

 

"WHAT?!" Jaemin exclaims. "What do you mean he's missing?!"

 

"We're at the bar, I was watching but I stepped out for a bit and then he was gone. Can you please help me find him?"

 

Rattling of keys can be heard from the other line. "Alright. I'll call you as soon as I find anything."

 

Jaemin gets inside his car as fast as he can. Damn Jeno for making his life complicated. 

 

"Where the are you?" Jaemin bites his lips as he searches for his ex-boyfriend.

 

Jaemin first tried at their old home, the one he left. No one was there. The whole place was a mess but no sign of Jeno, next is his office but the security guard told him that there was no one is allowed to go in anymore, he tried Jeno's office but still nothing until finally he gets an idea. 

 

Jaemin drives to the place where everything started and ended, at the café. And true enough, he sees Jeno lying down by the door since the café is already closed. He gets out of his car and sighs deeply.

 

"Jeno..." Jaemin calls, but no answer. He crouches down so he can shake him awake. "Jeno... wake up. You shouldn't be here. It's cold."

 

Jeno groans. "Jaemin..." his body feeling weak. "I need to tell Jaemin..."

 

"Jeno... you're drunk... You need to go home." Jaemin holds his wall tight.

 

Jeno holds Jaemin's shoulder as he looks at him, but the younger one can see that Jeno doesn't really see him. He probably doesn't even realize that Jaemin's the one in front of him.

 

"Renjun..." Jeno begins again. "I need to tell Jaemin..." tears finally makes his way out of his eyes. "I need to tell Jaemin I'm sorry. I need to tell him that I never meant anything I said that day. I need to tell him that everything was my fault. I thought I needed some thrill in my life and I thought having him in my life is stopping me from having that. I need to tell him that I should've tried fixing things with him. Jaemin..." he sniffles. "Jaemin needs to know that he's the most perfect person that I've ever known and that I'm the stupid one for not appreciating everything he's done for me. I need to tell him that he's still the one that makes me happy. That I still want a future with him..." At this point Jeno's cries are loud enough for everyone to hear, luckily for him no one but Jaemin was there. "And most importantly.... I need to tell Jaemin that I still love him and that I'll always have him. I need Jaemin in my life Renjun-ah. I need Jaemin back. I want to have Jaemin back."

 

Jaemin stays silent at Jeno's confession. He knows Jeno is reckless when he's drunk but he's never lied. And to hear such things from him caused him nothing but confusion. They were supposed to be moving on from each other but no matter what they do. Something just makes their paths cross each other.

 

When Jeno woke up the next morning, he realizes that he's back in his house, lying down on his own bed. The place looks familiar but it doesn't look as dirty as he expected. A wet small towel is placed on his forehead and by the bedside table is a cup of coffee and a note.

 

"Let's talk. 4pm. The café. - Jaemin"

 

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끝...

 

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