"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."

Chapter Four

Super Junior dorms; 7:09 a.m

January 3

"Hyung... Heechul-hyung, you need to get up."

Heechul's groggy mind only faintly registers the distant voice that calls his name, too consumed by the need for sleep to respond. His thoughts remain in a state of confusion as he tries but fails to clear it up. His effort to reach out to the voice fails and Heechul begins to fall back into his state of slumber before the familiar voice shakes him away once again.

"Come on hyung, you have to get up... Heechul-hyung!"

The voice gradually gets louder and by the end the person is practically yelling at Heechul, managing to shake Heechul out of his slumber as his eyes open wide and head snaps in the direction of the voice. His eyes land on the disheveled form of Donghae, who's standing in the middle of his room directly at the foot of his bed. He's holding a pile of clothes in his hands Heechul notices through blurry eyes, and only seconds later it's thrown onto his bed at his feet.

"You need to get dressed hyung. I already picked some clothes out for you and Kyuhyun is finishing up with making breakfast. We'll be leaving for the hospital soon."

Donghae turns to leave the older's room but I stopped by Heechul's voice.

"Where's Leeteuk at? Did he already get up?" Heechul precisely remembers going to bed late last night, or rather early this morning, with Leeteuk at his side. With Eunhyuk and Ryeowook's help last night, the three managed to calm Leeteuk down enough to get him to go to bed. He was of course still a tear covered mess, but it was nothing Heechul couldn't fix with some more reassurance and tissues- an entire box to be precise.  The two were inseparable earlier, so it's understandable for Heechul to wonder where the eldest went off to so early and with so little sleep.

"Oh, he left around six to get to the hospital. I guess he got a call from the hospital about Siwon that he woke up not too long ago. He woke me up when he was getting dressed but when I tried to go with him, he made me stay back to make sure you got up to look after everything. Everyone is still... I guess you could say out of it. It's been so gloomy this morning... I hate it."

Heechul takes in Donghae's words as the young singer struggles to even just hint about Yesung as he speaks, feeling the raw emotion cascading out of his mouth with every word he says. Being the hyung he is Heechul acts fast, motioning for Donghae to come over as he lightly pats the open bed beside him. Donghae respects the actions of his hyung, who woke up not even two minutes ago and heads for the open bed, sitting down on the warm blankets as Heechul carefully pulls him into his embrace.

"Donghae, I know you've been acting really strong this last night and morning, but it's okay to let your emotions out. No one would judge your actions because we're all going through the same mess right now. And... it's so much better to be around others than to be alone, don't you think?"

Heechul awaits a response as he softly rubs circles into the younger's back, but as the seconds tick on and he receives zero response, Heechul glances down with still sleepy eyes, just then taking notice of the light shaking from Donghae and the muffled gasps for air and cries, due to his face being nuzzled up against the elder's arm. Heechul instantly recognizes this as Donghae's way of opening up, even if he's trying to do it discreetly, and awaits no one's instructions to pull the younger tighter and move his head so it's no longer being suppressed into Heechul's arm, but now lightly resting up against his shoulder.

"It-It's just no-not fair hyung! I-I wan-want things to ju-just go back t-to how they were! I... I-I want Yesung-hyung ba-back!"

Heechul can feel his own tears welling up as Donghae releases his feelings, the need to release his own pushed aside tears coming fast. He holds off though and pushes the salty tears back, all for Donghae's sake. For Heechul, a hyung for most members and pillar for all, to openly express his grief in front of his dongsaeng would be like telling him that Yesung is as good as dead. He could never, would never, do that to any of s. Even if it turns out to be nothing but false in the end, Heechul needs to maintain a sense of hope for as long as he can.

"I know Donghae, but we need to stay strong. Every single one of us is feeling the same as you are right now, but it's no good to get so worked up. You could make yourself sick, and Yesung wouldn't want that.

Not only are all of us worried, but so is the company, our families, friends. And soon enough, when the report is released, so will our fans. We're all praying for Yesung to come back to us, and with so much support on our side, there's absolutely no way we won't get him back. But right now we have to stay strong. So, give me a few minutes to get ready and we can head out for some breakfast together before going to see Siwon."

Heechul knows what he said could easily turn into a lie at any given moment, but buttering up everything is so much easier than blatantly telling Donghae the reality of it all. Heechul knows that Donghae is far from being a child, but when Heechul sees the tears stop falling and ever the slightest smile form from his lips, he can't help but wish it was the old days all over again. Back when Donghae was that young, childish person who always found a way to spread his light on any situation and who Heechul would constantly spoil with anything the younger asked for.

Heechul can't stop himself from seeing Donghae as his old self whenever he opens himself up like this, and he'd do anything to make Donghae happy and stop stressing just as his hyungs always do. To bring back that smile of his even in the slightest degree.

Heechul is the one to make the first move to get up, carefully pulling himself away from Donghae as he grabs the pile of clothes that were beside him, taking quick notice of how accurate Donghae manages to piece together an outfit of his liking. He heads for the small bathroom inside the room, head focused and mind now ready to face the troubles of the day, a new sense of accomplishment now swelling up inside of him.

///

The hospital is exactly the same as how Kyuhyun remembers it from those days not too long ago. Barren, white walls and floors,  hundreds of machines wired up and beeping from every direction the group heads in, and noise level stuck at the absolute minimum it can achieve. The only sounds evident through the passing halls being their shoes, the quiet shuffling from the various visitors, nurses, and doctors and those damned machines positioned along every hall. If it wasn't for the grim reality that's forced him here that morning, he would have surely thrown something at one of the machines, the beeping drilling itself inside Kyunhyun's head when all he wants is to be somewhere quiet.

Kyuhyun doesn't realize they've reached the room, too lost in his thoughts to even pay attention to where he's been going and solely relying on his hyungs' feet to follow. His thoughts have been a jumbled mess that entire morning; aside from the machines, Kyuhyun just can't seem to take his mind off the fact that Yesung has really been kidnapped and that Siwon ended up in the hospital. He'd love to collapse onto the ground right there where he's standing into a sobbing mess, but for whatever reason, he hasn't been able to get himself to cry since hearing the news.

It's not that he doesn't care about Yesung, he's an utter wreck on the inside, and it's not like has no tears to shed, they just won't come out. Kyuhyun doesn't know if it's his way of coping with everything that's happened, but he does know the moment he lets the first tear slip it'll be a train wreck from thereon. He spent the majority of his night and morning watching as the others carelessly released their emotions to one another as he remained as unwavering as a statue. It's been a shock to him since that morning that no one's bothered to ask what's wrong and in a way, he's relieved. But it seems like every time he hopes for one thing to happen, the opposite does. The sudden call last night about Yesung and Siwon, his yearning for the tears to fall, and now Heechul, who's approaching out of the corner of his eye.

"Kyuhyun...what are you still doing out here? You're okay right?"

"Oh, ha... I guess I just got lost in thought, but ya... I'm fine hyung. I'll come in soon, I just gotta go... um..."

"Kyuhyun, if you need to talk, we're all here. You haven't been very open about your feelings and-"

"I said I'm fine hyung. I just need to clear my head." With his words spoken rather harshly, Kyuhyun takes this as his opportunity to storm away, similar to a child in the middle of a temper tantrum. What just went down between the two is very close to a child's fit on the youngest's part, but instead of Kyuhyun screaming out his feelings for all to hear he rather would be somewhere more secluded. He knows it was childish to do, and especially no good for his maknae status nor any help for the situation they're all in, but he just couldn't help it.

Being confronted by his hyung about not showing any emotions in their current situation, as well as when he's standing outside the hospital room of one of his hyungs, who is injured, makes him seem like a horrible person. But for whatever inner reasoning, Kyuhyun couldn't stand to be confronted. If he would've stayed there by the room, his hyungs could have easily laid all their pent up grief and anger onto Kyuhyun, and the youngest wouldn't have been able to handle it all. His emotions would have surely overwhelmed him, maybe even to the point of him burying himself back into those dark recesses of his mind. It took him months after his accident for Kyuhyun to leave that place and be his old self again, and he doesn't know if he'd be able to do it again.

It's not until he hides in the nearest waiting room, that's thankfully empty, and sits on the closest chair, bringing his head to his hands that he allows the emotions to show themselves. And that's when he finally realizes he's crying. His first ever tears since hearing the news, and maybe his last for the time being. Kyuhyun attempts to push the tears away but only manages to push himself into his mind's recesses, filled with their own senses of fear and security. He frantically wipes at his face with his palms to rid the skin of the salty tears, but it seems every time he wipes them away even more swell from his eyes to coat his face.

"No... NO, stop! Stop crying, you ca-can't cry now! Not here! Just stop crying!". Kyuhyun's hysterical yelling manages to gain the attention of passing hospital workers, who pause or turn back to look through the door's small window at the sobbing man. Kyuhyun doesn't notice the audience he's managed to gain, too consumed by his yells and cries, and doesn't even lift his head when one of the passerbyers, a young and clearly new female nurse, stops and enters the room. The nurse carefully walks towards Kyuhyun and reaches a delicate hand out for the singer's shaking shoulder, stunning Kyuhyun out of his fit as he jumps up out of the seat at the sudden contact.

The nurse looks shocked but tries her hands at verbal reassurance instead, digging up in her head everything she learned in school to do in a situation like this. She was taught that with the right tone and choice of words the person would surely calm down, and she had thought she had done both correct. But Kyuhyun backs away when she talks, a clear sign of fear written across his face, and nothing she says seems to get across to him.

"Sir please, you need to calm down, Whatever it is you are dealing with, we can talk together about-"

"NO! Ju-just leave me alone. Get away from me!" 

The nurse is left in shock when Kyuhyun suddenly rushes forward to the room's wide-open door. He had just briefly noticed the opening, and the audiences outside the door, when the nurse was talking, and he knew that when he got the chance he had to take it and get out of that room. He just couldn't handle that woman even if she was trying to help, and he knew if any of those outside tried entering he would surely lose it. His emotions got the better of him and he just had to get out of there. It was like the walls were closing in on him, ready to consume his mind into believing the worst. His mind was already beginning to do so, and he knew having himself get filled with false hope and reassurance by that nurse wouldn't help.

He doesn't realize he's blindly running down the hospital corridors until he unexpectedly comes into contact with something, or rather someone. The impact from the hit is enough to push Kyuhyun backward to fall to the ground, but he's thankfully caught by the very person that he hit into. With a swift look upwards through teary eyes, he realizes the person he bumped into was Leeteuk.

The two make eye contact with one another, that of which Kyuhyun is the one to break with a quick turn of his head. For whatever reason, Kyuhyun just can't get himself to look Leeteuk in the eyes. The two have never once been awkward with each other and Kyuhyun always finds himself with Leeteuk in a time of need. He views Leeteuk, and Yesung, as the two best in the group to supply the physical and emotional comfort needed during rough times. But that's exactly it, Kyuhyun always went to Leeteuk for advice, for comfort, for absolutely anything he couldn't handle himself. And now is one of those of need when Kyuhyun needs Leeteuk the most, but for whatever reason, he doesn't want Leeteuk.

He wants Yesung, the one person he can't have.

"Kyuhyunie... hey, look at me Kyuhyunie..." The nickname makes Kyuhyun's eyes shut tight and he pulls his body away, but Leeteuk isn't having it. With one swift movement, the older grabs Kyuhyun's chin and as carefully as he can, forces Kyuhyun's face towards his own. Now the only thing stopping the two from making eye contact is Kyuhyun's clenched eyes. Kyuhyun tries to turn away, but Leeteuk has him in a tight grip that stops any resistance in its tracks. 

"Kyuhyun, just open your eyes and look at me... it'll be okay. Please, tell me what's wrong so I can help."

Kyuhyun knows two things in that moment: Leeteuk knows very well what it is that's bothering the youngest and that it's definitely going to take some prying to get a confession out of Kyuhyun, and second is the fact that what he's engaged in is a losing battle. Kyuhyun wills himself to open his tear-covered eyes, he had only managed to subside the hot, flowing tears just seconds prior. The first thing his eyes land upon is Leeteuk's face. Eyes filled with deep sorrow and lack of sleep evident over them. The dark bags collide with the pale color of his skin, which usually is a very warm tone any other day, and eyebrows are creased downward in clear concern. But over top it all, a smile, small and sad yet warm and welcoming, that tries its hardest to cover any bad signs across his face so only the good is showing. It doesn't work nearly as well as the oldest was most likely intending, but Kyuhyun knows that doesn't matter and the smile is there as a way to tell Kyuhyun everything he needs to hear, even if no words are spoken.

 And that's it. The realization of just how much his hyung cares and that he knows just exactly what to do to get Kyuhyun to open up is enough. The tears return and stream down his face like a river and Kyuhyun only barely notices he's been pulled into a tight embrace with Leeteuk mere seconds after.

It's not just the warm smile that breaks Kyuhyun down, but also that same expression the leader always dons in a troubling situation like this. How he's managing to stay so calm and collected right now, how he pushes away his own feelings of sadness all for the benefit of the other members affects the youngest. He wishes his own could even compare to the strength that Leeteuk holds; his failed attempt the previous evening and that morning of trying to seem strong for the others has only seemed to backfire on himself, along with everyone else. Now he's a sobbing mess in the middle of a hospital corridor, being held by his hyung as he lets all of his built-up tears from the past ten hours finally be released. All because he refused to open up when he needed it most.

"Kyuhyun, it's okay... just breath. We just have to believe in Yesu-"

The youngest doesn't know what comes over him when he hears Leeteuk's words, maybe it's that false hope being thrown at him all over again that he's tired off or it's simply due to the rush of emotion he just experienced, but in a sudden need for retaliation, Kyuhyun shoves his hands hard against Leeteuk's chest and pulls away from the older's embrace, words instantly spilling from his mouth as the tears continue to fall. Ya, he's sick and tired of getting spoon feed false hope.

"NO hyung! It's not okay! I don't know if you haven't noticed hyung but Yesung is gone! He's been kidnapped and we may never see him again! I can't stand all you people telling me it's going to be okay, we'll get Yesung, you just have to believe and have faith in Yesung to come back, don't lose hope... BULL! Stop being one of those people that give out false hope because I'm tired of it! I don't want to be told he's coming back when I know he isn't! You're no better than them al-"

"You think I don't already know that Kyuhyun! I know OK! I shouldn't be trying to tell you all he's going to come back no matter what because, HELL... I have absolutely no idea if we'll ever see him again either! But you, out here wallowing in your own self-pity to even care to see the bigger picture! You just don't understand Kyuhyun... it's so much easier to lie to yourself and be filled with false hope than live with the reality of everything. I failed everyone as the leader last night when I couldn't save Yesung. So... if I continue believing in him coming back okay, then I'll keep myself sane. I have no idea what the effect of this would be on me, or any of us if we found out he's gone forever... I need to stay hopeful or, I have no idea what I'll do to myself..."

Kyuhyun feels like he's just been stabbed in the heart by Leeteuk's words, a confession he never thought he'd hear come out of his leader's mouth anytime soon. Kyuhyun never cared to think that Leeteuk may feel the same way as he does, too consumed by his own racing thoughts and frenzied emotions to even think. There's always more to a situation than you can see, something Leeteuk always told Kyuhyun during their talks, and at this moment, Kyuhyun wishes for the life of him that he would've remembered that before he went on his yelling fit. 

It's a long, tired sigh from Leeteuk that directs Kyuhyun's attention back to his hyung, who continues talking but now in a much softer tone than before.

"Kyuhyun... look at us. Fighting with each other when we should be comforting Siwon... what happened to us? We both know this isn't what we should be doing. I released too much onto you, stuff that I shouldn't have said to you at a time like this. And, whether you want to hear this or not, you need to stop acting like a child. Running off from Heechul like a three-year-old when all he was trying to do was check on you, that's not like you Kyuhyun...

We've all been worried about you these past few hours, I hope you know. If you thought we didn't notice your lack of emotion, you're wrong... we just couldn't spend all our time making sure you're okay. There are eight of us, meaning seven members for me to look after. But even so, anyone from miles away could tell you've been bottling up your feelings and as your hyung and leader, I can't let that slide. It's no good for your health... it can have extremely bad consequences, so why? Why do it?"

"...Why?... it's a simple answer if you think about it hyung... I stormed away earlier because if I stayed I would've had to open up. If I hadn't run away from that nurse, I would've had to open up. If I would've managed to get away from you just now, I wouldn't have had to do this. Don't you see? I'm a ing mess hyung... my mind is like it's on drugs and my emotions are whack. If I admit my feelings, open up... I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Hell, I even thought if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop... and look at me now, a tear-covered, ing mess! So it looks like I'm right after all... And you're right too hyung, we shouldn't be fighting right now, but since we're here... I m-might as well just let it all out be-before it eats me alive."

"Kyuhyun-"

"NO Hyung! Ju-just let me speak... please... before I can't..." Kyuhyun is a sobbing mess again as he stands back against the corridor hall, body facing Leeteuk's as he stares down at the ground, the warm tears spilling from his eyes to his feet below. He doesn't register the things that happen next, his body sliding down the wall to the ground and Leeteuk rushing forward to take the youngest into another tight embrace, his mind too focused on gathering up everything there is to say. Leeteuk kneels on the ground directly in front of Kyuhyun with his arms wrapped tightly around the youngest. Kyuhyun's head moves almost on instinct to Leeteuk's broad shoulder. The position the two are in isn't comfortable in the slightest, but comfort doesn't matter in a time like this.

"Hy-hyung, I need to see Yesung again. It fe-feels like a piece of us is m-missing with Yesung being taken a-and there's this voice in th-the ba-back of my mind that keeps saying it'll never be filled. I try not to listen bu-but I can't fight it any-anymore... all I've been thinking i-is the worst. Wh-what if the kidnapper tries to do som-something to Yesung, o-or what if he kills him? Th-that can't happen... hyung, I need to be told it won't... The night before it ha-happened, we got into an argument and we ne-never made up... and h-hyung, I never said bye to Yesung that morning, di-didn't even say anything to him! If he dies... I'll h-have to live with the fact that t-the last thing I told him was that he's the worst hyung in the group..."

To put it simply, Kyuhyun's confession is far from what Leeteuk thought he'd hear there. He had zero idea that Kyuhyun and Yesung got into an argument, making him acquire a new sense of guilt for not being the leader they needed. And now knowing that Kyuhyun's anger and behavior that morning were fueled by these hidden feelings, Leeteuk feels horrible for yelling. That wasn't what Kyuhyun needed, it's probably what he's been fearing would happen, and Leeteuk's dumb mind managed to go against his own advice and ignore Kyuhyun's side of the situation.

Even with his ignorance, Leeteuk can't leave Kyuhyun alone, especially knowing how he feels. He needs a hyung and even if he hasn't been acting like the pillar of support they've all been needing, Leeteuk would do absolutely anything for Kyuhyun at this moment to make up for his mistakes.

"Kyuhyun... I should've realized. I-I'm ignorant and should've paid more attention to everyone that night an-"

"NO, no hyung, please don't blame yourself. It was all my fault we fought... I didn't want to listen to what Yesung had to say when all he was trying to do was help me. I was the one who was ignorant that night and I regret it so much, I just wish I would've apologized...." Leeteuk can feel the youngest's shaking increase as do his tears, causing the eldest to tighten his hold even more to the point where he's blocking Kyuhyun's oxygen intact and not even realizing. He only does when the younger tries pulling away and Leeteuk is quick to let go, Kyuhyun instantly taking big breathes to get his air back. Leeteuk mentally curses at himself for yet another mistake and has his apology already at the tip of his tongue when Kyuhyun begins doing something Leeteuk never thought he'd hear that day, or let alone anytime soon: laughing. 

It's a genuine laugh from the youngest, the sudden noise throwing Leeteuk into a shocked state as he watches the youngest laugh through the still spilling, but slowed tears. 

"Hey hyung!... You tryin' to kill me?!" His words are filled with the youngest's familiar sarcastic joy, but the fact he was just sobbing still evident in his voice. His face is puffy, eyes red, and nose stuffed like he's been struck with a cold. But even so, Kyuhyun has managed to get himself to laugh and Leeteuk couldn't be more overjoyed. It's a large step towards Kyuhyun recovering from this emotional attack, and a small one towards raising the morals of the group back up.

He laughs at his behavior as he resumes contact with Kyuhyun, maneuvering himself into a more comfortable position for the two, this time only having an arm slung around Kyuhyun's shoulder and one hand tightly grasping Kyuhyun's.

"Looks like getting all that off your chest was good after all... look Kyuhyun, we have both been in the wrong this past day. We've made plenty of regretful mistakes, but instead of wallowing in pity over them, let's just, and I know you don't like this, but... let's just maintain some hope within us that they'll be forgiven. We can't just ignore reality as it is... we have to accept it, even if some of us don't want to. Hell, you can easily tell how much I've been trying to escape reality instead of accepting it... but I guess we all have to make some changes with ourselves, for Yesung... ya? Because that's what he'd want."

"Ya... I can't push the thoughts away anymore. I'll have to embrace them... but now I know I'm not alone. I got you and everyone else here by my side through this mess."

"Yah!... so cheesy Kyuhyunie! Who are you and what did you do with my maknae?" Kyuhyun laughs at Leeteuk's remark, making the eldest smile with satisfaction knowing Kyuhyun is already getting better. Not at all close to being a hundred percent because even Kyuhyun said it himself, he's going to have to face those dark thoughts from now on. And even if Leeteuk called it cheesy, Leeteuk's glad Kyuhyun finally realized he's not alone in this fight.

"So, how about we get up off this dirty hospital floor and head back to the others? You haven't even seen Siwon yet... and if I remember correctly, I think he was even asking where you were. Let's not keep everyone waiting any longer."

"Sounds good to me hyung."

The two carefully stand and start making their way back towards Siwon's room, Leeteuk never letting go of Kyuhyun's hand as the two walk down the long corridor together. Leeteuk sneaks a glance over in Kyuhyun's direction and once again can't help but smile as he takes in the much happier and calmer expression on his face. It's an accomplishment for the two of them, Kyuhyun having finally opened up and Leeteuk regaining his sense of leadership everyone needs, but knowing now just how much Kyuhyun had hidden inside of him scares the elder. It makes Leeteuk wonder just how many other members are hiding something inside of them similar to Kyuhyun. But that's a conversation for later when they're all back at the dorms, resting and hopefully recovering after a long day. When Leeteuk can speak to s and finally fully accept his reality, just as he told Kyuhyun to.

He's the leader of an idol group with a member that's been kidnapped and everyone at a complete loss as to why it happened. At first, Leeteuk thought life was to be against them all, to ruin any sense of faith or hope that's still clinging onto them all. False or not, Leeteuk will tell life to off and keep his sense of hope within himself strong. He's never going to give up, and neither is anyone, and the bastard who took Yesung is going to wish he never messed with them, Leeteuk already promising to himself he's going to make the bastard go through hell and back the moment he gets his hands on him.

///

*next chapter is going to be a Yesung based chap(just a small view into what's next)