"Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle."

Chapter Three

Super Junior Dorms; 11:12 p.m

January 2

It's a strong feeling of despair and grief that's washed its way over and throughout the dorm. There's the old saying 'you could have heard a pin drop', which can easily express the silence that's consumed most of the dorm. Everywhere but the bedrooms are silent, due to the muffled cries from the various Super Junior members. They're all feeling the grief of hearing about what happened earlier, all equally worried about the condition of Yesung and Siwon.

The only members occupying the front portion of the dorm are Leeteuk, Heechul, and Eunhyuk, the rest having dispersed throughout the dorm at their own times. The first was Ryeowook, who couldn't stand the atmosphere the moment he entered the dorm, already with tears in his eyes from crying the majority of his car ride there. The moment Leeteuk broke the news, Ryeowook was a sobbing heap on the floor, and if it weren't for Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun he would have stayed there for who knows how long.

Ryeowook wasn't the only one who had broken down in tears after hearing the news of Yesung. Every member except Siwon, who had already drained his body of all tears, had eyes filled with the liquid, cheeks streaked with the salty substance and shirts stained. They each needed a shoulder to cry on, who for most of them had been Leeteuk.

He felt obligated as there leader to help be their driving force in recovery from the racking sobs, even though he had some of his own to release from their crushing hold. It wasn't until Kyuhyun took Donghae away from him and Heechul proceeded to wrap the eldest in a tight embrace that he let the tears fall. The liquid covered the two but neither seemed to care or just chose to ignore it, rather focusing on the main matter at the moment: each other.

Even though Leeteuk is the leader, that didn't stop Heechul from feeling just as obligated to take care of his only hyung in the group and to make sure he had his own shoulder to cry on. After what seemed like moments, but in reality was minutes, Leeteuk carefully broke away and sat himself down on one of the barstools in the kitchen, followed closely behind by Heechul. It's the closest spot to the front door, in case the police decide to show back up during the night.

Leeteuk doesn't exactly know why he's so anxious to stay near the door but, for some reason, his mind and body are both telling him to stay close. Maybe it's the thought that an investigator or officer will show up with some type of lead in the case, maybe their manager to check on the grieving boys, or just maybe Yesung himself. It's a long shot, but one can still hope, even if the hope is small. With the minimal amount of the lower dorm he physically saw he can't assume anything about what happened in there. Before half a dozen officers swarmed him earlier that evening when he tried to sneak in, he was able to catch a quick glimpse inside the dorm, having noticed an abstract array of police tape, close to a dozen of those yellow police markers seen at crime scenes, and dozens of pieces of furniture carelessly pushed over.

He hadn't mentioned to any of the members about the amount of mayhem present in the lower dorm. Leeteuk doesn't think he's physically or emotionally capable of bearing the news.

Just the thought of Yesung being injured in some way shakes Leeteuk to the core. Never in his life did he think he would ever have to face a reality where one of his brothers is kidnapped and physically harmed. Leeteuk has seen more than enough kidnapping stories on the news the past years to know how grim of a reality it truly is. Even without knowing the true statistics with these sorts of cases, he knows most don't make it out alive. 

He's been brushing those sorts of thoughts aside and also telling himself for the past few hours that Yesung is way stronger than anyone believes, that he's stronger than whatever sort of son of a decided to take him away from his family. But no matter how hard one tries to block it out, there's always going to be that one voice. The voice that says he's dead, that's he's been murdered and most likely dumped in some grimy alley miles off. The voice that suggests trafficking; that Yesung's already been sold off to some bidder looking for some self-enjoyment and doesn't care who he destroys to reach it.

The voice leaves Leeteuk with tears in his eyes and multiple trails already cascading down his face and to his chin, where they fall off to collect on the cold marble countertop. It's a silent struggle to muffle his cries, but evidently, this catches the attention of Heechul whose only inches away. The sound's enough for the second eldest to understand what's happening and before Leeteuk can release his next poorly muffled sob, Heechul's arms are already wrapped tightly around the eldest's shaking body. Knowing he's lost his struggle, Leeteuk lets the tears and soon choking sobs burst forth like water in a dam, the entirety of the countertop underneath him now coated in salty tears. 

He can feel the soothing circular motions on his back, knowing it's Heechul's subtle way of letting him know that he's there and isn't planning on leaving anytime soon. Leeteuk's sobs only increase as Heechul's hold tightens, something that, at any other time, would have caused him to push the younger off. He's never been one to accept physical affection when he's upset, but now's a time of grim reality. His brother has been taken and the pressing feeling of Leeteuk never seeing the singer again overcomes him, turning his choking sobs into desperate cries. 

A sudden burst of energy, Leeteuk doesn't know from where, overtakes his tender emotions and without consent, he's standing from the barstool and pushing Heechul off of his back roughly into the barstool he was seated on. He feels the hot tears continuing to stream down his face and dip off the point of his chin as he stands there as still as a statue, feet halfway between the kitchen and living room. His hands are balled into tight fists, which he doesn't even remember forming. The rage that has consumed his delicate emotions is raw and all he wants is to race from the dorm and find someone, anyone, to hit. He wants someone else to feel the pain that has consumed his mind that evening. He wants those who went out on the streets that evening to drink, to party or just have a fun time to feel bad for Leeteuk. He wants all those who are happy to realize that he's not the only one.

Not the only one that has to suffer from pain as unimaginable as this.

The rage is an isolating feeling, forcing Leeteuk's tears to continue streaming down his face no matter how many times he wipes them, just allowing fresh trails to follow. His mind stays swarmed with the endless thoughts that have consumed  He knows releasing this anger is the only way to calm down his body and mind. If not physically, then verbally.

A loud, raw cry leaves the hold of Leeteuk's mouth and consumes the room in its desperate noise, Leeteuk's attempt at finding even an ounce of tranquility through his pain. Leeteuk won't miss the chance and will grasp onto the calmness, the unknown tranquilness, for his life, wallowing in the feeling and hopefully bring his mind to ease. It's a reach, for Leeteuk to feel okay during this time of pain, so he finds it highly unlikely.

The cry consumed the remaining energy present in the leader's body. As the cry subsides his body begins to sink, knees roughly landing on the hardwood below. With the leave of the anger and energy, the worst of his sobs disappear as well, leaving him crying softly to himself as he kneels on the ground.

The soothing touch is back within seconds of Leeteuk's sudden calm, Heechul having been frozen in shock the entire time, and Leeteuk accepts it fully this time, leaning into the warm touch of his brother. All he can think of is Yesung and how he wouldn't want s to be acting like this because of him, especially his only two hyungs in the group. It needed to be released though, and Leeteuk feels proud he managed to escape the emotions he was just swarmed in moments ago.

"I-I'm s-so so-sorry... Yesung..."

It's only four words, but they're enough to almost make Heechul go rigid, his small circular motion on Leeteuk's arm would have stopped if he didn't remember the task at hand. Heechul can't even begin to imagine the amount of despair, grief, and blame his leader must be feeling at the moment, if his sudden meltdown wasn't enough. All Heechul knows is that Leeteuk needs someone. Going through this type of pain alone is never good, and Heechul makes it his goal of the evening to make sure these pressing feelings on the leader's mind subside into a slight linger, at least for the night so he can get some sleep.

Just as he's about to try and speak to Leeteuk, he turns around at the sound of a quiet cough. Behind him stands Eunhyuk, who he had forgotten about due to the events, with a blanket draped over one arm and in the other arm's hand, another's fingers laced through his own. He meets the sad eyes of Ryeowook but notices the soft smile present on his lips. Ryeowook is strong.

The younger steps forward next to Heechul and kneels down, arms reaching out to fold around Leeteuk's torso. He feels the sudden shake from the eldest due to the new physical contact but just a few more soft motions are enough to calm him back down. 

Eunhyuk appears on Heechul's other side, the small blanket now unfolded and grasped in Eunhyuk's hands. He delicately drapes the soft fabric across Leeteuk's shoulders, making sure it won't fall off his body. On his other side, he can feel Ryeowook reposition himself around the blanket but is back and wrapped around Leeteuk's torso in seconds. 

Eunhyuk is the first to make the risky move towards Leeteuk's hand, but the latter does nothing at the sudden contact except turn his head slightly in the dancer's direction. Eunhyuk presents a warm smile for Leeteuk when they meet eyes and Heechul can't hold back his smile as Leeteuk maneuvers from Ryeowook's grasp so he can wrap himself around Eunhyuk.

It's a good sign for Heechul as he now knows Leeteuk is mostly back into the right state of mind to think straight. He won't blame Leeteuk ever for what he did moments ago because he knows it was all in the moment. Emotions that get bottled up inside of a person going through grief can have some of the worst effects. Heechul can relax a little more now knowing Leeteuk was smart enough to let those pained emotions out.

He hears a slight whimper from beside him and turns to notice Ryeowooks's downturned expression, upset by Leeteuk's leave. Being the hyung he is, Heechul wraps an arm around Ryeowook's waist and pulls him close, allowing the younger to nuzzle into the warm embrace for the time being. He knows they'll all have to eventually leave the ground to go to their rooms, or at least the couches in the neighboring room, but for now, Heechul lets them all stay.

For once that evening, there's a sense of calm throughout the dorm, the seemingly never-ending despair now pushed aside for the time being. Heechul's embrace tightens as he releases a sigh he hadn't known he'd been holding in, his own personal feelings put on hold for the moment. He needs to act like the hyung s need.

And as he lifts his eyes to take in the picture of Leeteuk wrapped loosely around Eunhyuk's body, seemingly asleep, and Eunhyuk sitting with his eyes closed before glancing down at the second-youngest, who is also asleep in his warm embrace, Heechul thinks he's doing a pretty decent job at it.

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I've read tons of other stories where an author suddenly stops a story due to block or loss of interest, and I knew from the moment I began writing I would never allow myself to become that. This long period I had where nothing got publish wasn't due to writer's block or loss of interest in this fic. I love writing this story for readers to enjoy, but sadly my life caught up to me. For me, school started and with it brought mountains of endless work, projects, and assignments I could never escape from. My free weekends have been gone for the past few months so I haven't had any writing time. But, I'm happy to say I have worked around that work, even if that means putting some assignments off, so I could write this. I'm actually very proud of this chapter considering my long time away from writing. I would just like to apologize here and now for my absence but I'm back... hopefully. This doesn't mean my school work is gone, there are actually a few large projects coming up, but I will try my absolute hardest to work around it for my readers.

This doesn't mean I will be updating regularly again though because I really don't know how it will all unfold. I just hope I can write more. Aside from this story, I've been working on a short two-three chaptered fic for NCT because I love them also, and a lot of other groups, so I'm excited for that to get published. Look for that in the coming week and again, I'm sorry about the delay but I'm back hopefully here to stay!