“What?! No way!” Ae Ra gasped, her eyes wide with disbelief. I chuckled at her silly reaction and simply shrugged. “Dang! I actually liked the guy for you. He’s made it farther than your other victims too. Nine months isn’t a joke. Why didn’t he hang on longer?” Min Kyung said with a humph. When we’ve finally made it to our regular spot in the school courtyard, I set my things down with a roll of my eyes and an amused sigh.

My friends are seriously more affected about this than I am. They’re saying that it was such a waste what Chanyeol and I had. They said that it could’ve still been helped if I did something about it. I scoffed at their claims, finding it completely absurd.

I mean, it’s not like we broke up or anything. We weren’t together in the first place. Chanyeol had every right to stop seeing me because he was getting too impatient. Big deal! This is how my trial round works. It’s like those free trials for apps you need to pay for. A guy asks me out, I agree but I won’t officially become their girlfriend until they’ve proven themselves to me one year later.

Sure, I can totally act like your girlfriend. But to some extent only and they should never try something stupid like kiss me on the lips or sleep with me. That’s a big no, no. I want them to be good to me and I want to be respected for my condition. That was the only way I can be sure about them. And really, this isn’t just for me. It can be for the guy as well. They can test the waters, see if they really do want me.

While the other two were still busy grumbling to each other, I just stayed silent and took out my materials for studying. I’ve just opened my text book, about to start reading when Ae Ra turned to face me and blurted out, “This trial round of yours isn’t working, Cheon Sa. You’ll grow old alone!”

I let out an exasperated sigh. “Ae Ra,” I started, turning to face her as well. “I told you. This is the only way I can be reassured! Remember, I—” Min Kyung quickly held her hand out. “Okay, okay. We get it. You got your heart broken severely by your first love,” she interrupted, knowing full well I was going to repeat the same old story again for the nth time as if they’ve never heard of it.

“And ever since, you don’t want to trust guys so easily anymore. You’re traumatized by it so you came up with your stupid trial round, yada, yada, yada,” Ae Ra continued, waving a dismissive hand. “But c’mon, we all knew Luhan was a prick. You were just turning a blind eye because you were so—” She so dramatically paused and did air bunnies as she continued saying, “—in love with him.”

“Basically, it was all your fault!” She shrugged and I gawped at her. “What the actual ? Are you really my friend?” I scowled and turned away, aggressively flipping through the pages of my book. “I am! That’s why I’m telling you the truth!” I refused to listen or even look her way, pouting as I mumbled, “Whatever, okay? Just leave me alone if this is what I want.”

Ae Ra rolled her eyes hard while the calmer one, Min Kyung just sighed exasperatedly. Silence fell and the two of them finally moved to get their own materials out. I was in the middle of highlighting a sentence from the book I was reading when Ae Ra suddenly groaned and said, “You’re so annoying! I hope you meet someone that’ll get rid of your stupid trial round for good!”

Min Kyung and I blinked at her in surprise, not expecting her to suddenly burst like that after being quiet for so long. There was a slight pause but then we ended up laughing. She couldn’t help but laugh along with us too. “But seriously though.” Min Kyung wiped an invisible tear and said, “I wish for the same! This trial round must come to an end.”

Ae Ra then stood up from her seat with her arms stretched up high and her head looking up at the sky. “Heavens, hear our plea! Give our Cheon Sa a man who fills her heart with glee that the curse of her trial round will stop and flee!” I faked giving her a judging look then shook my head at her fondly. “Great. What a poetic genius you are, Ae Ra.”

Ah, what is college without a part time job to give your broke some extra money? I hate it at times because I could really use the time to study and do my papers but my parents aren’t that rich. They can only give me enough and although enough is perfectly fine, I’d also like to lessen their expenses so that I’m not much of a burden to them.

So here I am, working my shift at a coffee shop a block away from school. I’m normally a fast paced and focused worker but today, I’m a little out of it. My mind is still on my conversation with the girls from earlier for some reason. It’s not that I was having second thoughts about the Chanyeol issue. He called it off, I accepted it without a problem. I guess it was what Ae Ra had said.

It was my fault my heart got shattered, my fault I have trust issues. I hate to admit it but I did turn a blind eye. I knew he was playing with me. I knew he was cheating on me, that he had lied to me for nearly two years of our relationship but love is a magical switch capable of shutting down all your rationality. You end up believing lies, telling yourself that he could never deceive you like that or do anything bad because he loved you.

He said so. I heard it loud and clear but back then I didn’t know how hollow those words were. Maybe the first few months, they meant something but after that? I didn’t feel the sincerity. It felt forced almost, like it was a mere routine. He didn’t show me he loved me. He didn’t make me feel like he loved me either but I hung on to his words. I clung onto them like they were my lifeline.

I was such an idiot. I caught him cheating. I saw him with another girl, his tongue down and yet, I was still the one who said we shouldn’t break up. I thought he would say he was sorry, that he had made a mistake and he’d never do it again but he didn’t. He told me I was ing stupid. He said he’s never met a girl as naïve and imprudent as me then he just left. 

He didn’t even properly say he’s breaking up with me. He was just… gone. He didn’t come to see me anymore. He blocked my number and all social media accounts. He disappeared like a bubble. So ever since then, while I was at my lowest point, when I felt like I couldn’t live anymore from the pain in my ribcage, I have been cautious with boys.

A little too cautious, I might say. I kept saying I have moved on from everything but every time someone comes along and tries to go out with me, a surge of hatred courses through my veins. I’m reminded of that bastard Luhan and I just suddenly become intimidating and mean to them.

I see to it that they know I’m hard to get, that they have to put in extra effort or they’ll get nothing out of me. I’m cold at times, I can be uncaring and I can be closed off. That was my way of protecting myself, my defense mechanism. And really, I want to be more practical too. Why should I invest in something that isn’t certain?

I’m not going to be in a relationship if it isn’t going to last long anyway. I w